Page 28

MARA

T he following day, I decided I needed to stop being a chicken and face Wes…

again . The more I mulled over everything Edith told me, the more I knew she was right.

I had jumped to conclusions and accused him of something that may or may not have happened, while torturing myself in the process.

And I had been through enough torture for one lifetime.

Yes, it was true he hadn’t denied it, but Wes was gifted at allowing me to ramble and get myself all tangled up in my own mess.

Some part of me thought he rather liked it, the jerk.

But that didn’t change the fact that I loved him.

And the more I ran through the agonizing memories of the last month, I realized I had never told him.

Imagine that…

Everything we’d been through and neither one of us had said it—those three magical little words. I love you .

It sat on my heart like a fifty-pound weight. Even if it was truly over between us, it was only fair to both of us that he know I cared and truly loved him. After that, whatever happened…well, it would at least be based on all the facts .

After having breakfast ordered to my room, I decided it was time to talk to Wes before I lost my courage. I found his contact on my mini-tab and texted him.

Mara: Can we talk? Please?

I lifted my thumb to my lips and began chewing on my nail. Would he respond? What if he said no ? Would I just message him I love you ? That didn’t seem like a good idea.

Bing!

Wes: I’m busy.

I frowned. Of course he was. Edith said he was working all the time, and plus…why would he want to talk to me anyway after everything I had done?

“So stupid,” I muttered to myself.

Bing!

My heart leaped into my throat as I scrambled to look at my tab.

Wes: My room in an hour?

Mara: Yes. That’s perfect. I’ll meet you there.

Thank you god and bacon everywhere. Now I just had to wait.

***

I’d worn an indented path on the red carpet in front of Wes’s door.

My stomach felt like a pit of quicksand—thick, heavy, and just gross.

But I didn’t run. I just used all that restless energy to pace back and forth, to and fro.

Every agonizing minute felt like twenty, and I kept snapping my fingers, clasping my hands, and making clicking sounds with my mouth—anything to fill the void.

In the hour I stood there, at least two soldiers had marched past me on patrol.

I checked my watch. Half past noon . Wes was late.

I fiddled with my sweater, making sure I hadn’t stained the cream-knitted threads with jam from breakfast. My hands were sweaty.

I hated that. Angst always got to me that way.

I rubbed them on my jeans. God, if he stood me up, I was going to be pissed.

Because if he didn’t show, it was going to be because he wanted me to stand here like an idiot.

He was the freaking president now, right?

He could excuse himself from any meeting he wanted.

Aaand , if he couldn’t, he could at least have the decency to text me and tell me he—

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

I whipped around and felt both relief and extreme trepidation. Like each day before, Wes was dressed in his military garb, making him look rugged and oh so hot.

I tucked my hair behind my ear as I shoved my left hand into my back jean pocket. “It’s fine. Everything okay?”

He stepped up to his door, eyes never so much as glancing at me. “War updates.” He opened the door and let himself in. I followed.

“Anything good?”

Just as I walked past him, he closed the door behind me. “No.”

I bit my lip. Wes the Jerk had shown up for the conversation.

Great. I stepped further into the room and looked around.

I had only ever been in Wes’s room once before, but it was different.

Gone were the tapestries that used to adorn the walls, as well as one of the stone-gray lounge chairs by the fireplace—there used to be two.

His bed looked the same—king-sized four poster, like mine but without a canopy—with steely-gray sheets and pillows, as well as a white comforter that looked so lush, I just wanted to crawl into it.

All the furniture was similar to mine as well.

It was a mirror image of my bedroom, just different coloring and more masculine feeling overall .

“How bad is it?” I turned around to face him, and my resolve melted at the sight of him. He stood like a sentinel, arms crossed, shoulders rolled back, and the same scowl he wore so often with me back at Base Camp.

“What do you want, Mara?”

I would have shivered from the ice he blasted my way if it weren’t for the fact that it suddenly felt like a million degrees in his room. I licked my lips, trying to find the courage I had mustered up earlier. “I-I wanted to talk about…about what happened yesterday.”

He slipped his hands into his pockets. But he didn’t say a word.

Fantastic. He was going to do this to me. How could I forget that Wes was a master at not saying anything useful. I blew out a breath. Here goes nothing…

“I’m sorry for eavesdropping on you and Calista yesterday. Whatever is going on between you guys is none of my business.” I looked at him. Waited for him to say something.

Wes’s emotionless mask of utter perfection was in place, revealing absolutely nothing. But after several seconds of silence, he finally said, “Go on.”

“Um…” Come on, Courage, where the hell did you go?

“Is there more? Or can I go to my next meeting now?” Cold and curt.

I gritted my teeth. I hated when he did this to me. I hated when he became a jerkwad. I could just hear Edith in my head, “Let’s go, newbie. Woman up already! Find those ovaries, rub ‘em together and get to it!” With a quick trill of my lips, I went for it.

“I told you something painful to hear, I know that.” He stiffened slightly, but his mask remained dutifully in place. “And what I told you was the truth…but not the whole truth. I-I left an important part out.”

He cocked a brow, slowly pulling his hands out of his pockets and folding them across his chest again. “Is that so?” Damn, his words felt like chips of ice. How did he do that ?

I rubbed my lips together, feeling my resolve slipping.

“Aw hell,” I muttered. I took a step toward him and ran with it.

“Wes, when Sasha promised me to you, I was going to run, that’s true.

But it all changed that night you asked me to marry you.

You made me the happiest I have ever been in my whole life.

And that night”—I took another step towards him, eyeing his ever-stiffening body—“when I slept in your arms, was the safest and happiest I’d ever felt. ”

His gaze hardened further. The gold shifted to amber, glowing like hot coals. I pressed the advantage. I had to get it out. I had to get all of it out .

“And that night, I knew I didn’t want to run away anymore.

I knew I wanted to stay, to be yours, to live every night like that one, locked in your arms. But I screwed it all up because your dad threatened to use me against you.

So I lied. I did the most horrible thing and lied right to your face.

And I told you I never saw you, that I only ever saw Chase.

And may god strike me down right now if I’m lying to you, but I don’t see Chase, Wes.

I haven’t seen Chase in a long time. I stopped seeing him that day in the infirmary back in the Dissenter Camp.

And it’s been you , just you and only you.

And I’ve been so in love with you but too damned scared that I would never be worthy of your love in return. ”

I inhaled sharply, my vision blurring with tears. My heart felt like it was splitting, contorting, breaking, aching. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for every lie, and every scheme, and every time I broke your heart because god knows I never deserved you to begin with.”

My insides were twisting in fear and angst, because I was dumping it all on him.

And that little voice in my head was screaming for me to stop.

Because what if all of this was pointless?

What if I gutted myself only to discover that Wes wasn’t interested?

But it didn’t matter. I had to do this. He deserved the truth.

I pressed on. “I’m a hot mess, Wes. My body feels strong, and it looks healed, but…

” I sniffed, feeling my throat closing up.

“I’m a disaster on the inside. I’m struggling to hold myself together, and I’m absolutely te rrified of you seeing me for what I really am.

” I choked back a sob. “Because I’m broken .

I’m so freaking broken on the inside. But even if I’m broken, I can at least be honest. I can at least give you what you deserve, and that’s the truth . ”

I inhaled deeply, trying to keep it together, because I was unraveling faster than I could get the words out. “And the truth is, I want you, Wes. I want you, and I desperately want you to love me. Because I…I love you.”

I watched as Wes stood solid as stone—perfectly chiseled marble that refused to give. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t swallow. I couldn’t freaking move as his silence and perfect stillness had my insides wringing themselves out.

And just when I thought it really was over, that I had screwed everything up so bad, there would never be hope for us anymore, I witnessed Wes break.

He crumbled in the most beautiful way, stone giving way as he closed his eyes, his whole body quaking from the force of the emotions within him.

And when his eyes opened once more, they landed right on me, burning so bright I swore they were luminescent.

And in that moment, Wes broke my already broken heart.

“I’ve always loved you, Mara. You were just too focused on everything else to ever see it.” Before I could move an inch, he closed the gap between us, pulled me into his arms, and crashed his lips down upon mine.

It was all I needed.