Page 27

MARA

W rapped up in my coat, I sat on the grass under a willow tree. Its wispy branches hung down, tickling the water of a pond before me. Winter was coming, and the air was growing colder, cutting through my jeans mercilessly. But the icy bite felt so much better than the ache in my heart.

“They said I’d find you out here.”

I looked up to see Edith. “Hey, what are you doing out here?”

“Looking for you, girly.” She dropped to the ground beside me, crossing her legs. “Wanna tell me why you’re out here freezing your ass off and avoiding everyone?”

I gave her a half-hearted smile and then looked back out at the water. “Just contemplating my life choices.”

“Uh huh…well, that ought to be quite the book.”

I grimaced, then blew out a breath. “It’s all too much…all the noise, the gossip. I know that’s probably weird, but—”

She lifted a hand. “Don’t say anymore.” She dropped it into her lap. “I know you’re struggling. Life’s been hard on you, especially lately, and I can’t imagine how awful what you experienced in the pit was. It’s not weird that everything would be too much too fast. ”

I tried to smile, but it was too hard to sustain. So I just looked at my hands instead. “I’m sorry, Edith…about yesterday.”

“Mara,” she sighed, “you don’t have to apologize to me. I get it.”

I looked up at her.

She drew up her legs and hugged her knees. “When Giza told my family that my sister was gone, that was hard. I know I was a bitch to everyone around me, too.”

My throat stung, but I fought back the urge to cry.

“I may not understand everything you’re going through, but I do understand some of it.” She bumped my shoulder. “And I forgive you.”

I looked at her, and for the first time in a long time, I smiled. It was small, but it was real. “Thanks, Edith. And I am sorry.”

She nodded, giving me a compassionate smile. “I know.”

We grew quiet after that, looking out over the water as it rippled in a breeze. It was amazing how calm the world could seem while hundreds of miles away, people were dying.

“I see you found your new mini-tab,” she said, tapping it gently.

I stretched out my legs. “Yeah, I found it on the nightstand.”

“I was hoping you’d see it. I meant to point it out beforehand, but…” she dropped off.

I sighed. “Well, thanks for the tab, too, I guess.”

“Don’t mention it.” She turned to look back out at the pond, quiet only for a moment before she stretched out her own legs and leaned back on her elbows. “Do you think you’ll begin training with us again?”

I looked at her but remained quiet. Training.

Training meant donning my role as a soldier once more, but I…

I didn’t think I could. Every choice I had made up to this point had done nothing but bring heartache and ruin to the people I cared about.

I was like a walking tornado, destroying everything. Marissa’s words fluttered through me…

Do not go gentle…

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? I wasn’t gentle.

I was chaos .

And what was more, I couldn’t remain at the Calvernon Estate. This wasn’t my home…it never was. And even if it was, I couldn’t bear to watch Wes and Blondie’s budding relationship unfold before my eyes. It was too painful. There was no love to fight for…Wes had made his choice.

I shook my head. “No.”

Her brows laced together softly. “Why not? You’re one of us—”

“I said no .” My voice snapped and cracked like a whip, and then I instantly winced at my own behavior. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that. I just…I can’t, okay? I’m not ready.”

Edith’s porcelain features contorted into shadows of confusion and hurt, but she didn’t force the issue. “Okay, girly. I won’t push it anymore.”

I offered her a weak smile—the best I could muster after the day I’d had. “Thank you.” She smiled back before looking away, and I did the same as we remained quiet for several minutes. When she spoke again, I could hear her familiar playful tone once more.

“So,” she began, “since you owe me majorly for the stunt you pulled back in Telvia, it’s time to spill the tea.”

“The tea? I don’t have any tea.” Did she want tea? “I can order some if you want—”

She waved me off, exasperated. “I swear to god, Mara, you’re going to kill me. I’m buying you a book of idioms for Christmas.”

I pinched my brows. “Okay, fine, but what does that have to do with tea?”

She waved her hands at me again, more vigorously than before. “Never mind, never mind. Just answer me this…” She leaned toward me, her eyes extremely serious.

I gulped.

“Is he any good in bed?”

My eyes just about bulged out of my head. “ What ? ”

“Before it all went to hell in a handbasket, did you guys, you know…do it?”

“ Edith ,” I admonished.

“Seriously, is he good in the sack?” she persisted. “I’m asking for a friend…”

“No!” I squirmed, uncomfortable with the sudden turn in conversation.

“So it wasn’t good?”

“What? No! I mean he’s fine .”

Her eyes widened with glee. “So you did do it!”

“ No! That’s not what I meant!” I stammered.

A sly grin consumed her face. “So yes? No?”

“Ugh,” I groaned, throwing my face into my hands. “I mean I don’t know . And that’s none of your business, anyway,” I snapped, looking at her once again.

She tipped her head back and cackled, no doubt at my obvious discomfort. “So no boom-boom then, huh?”

My cheeks colored as I smacked her shoulder. “No! And stop it. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“Ow,” she protested, still giggling as she rubbed her shoulder. “Damn, girl. Prison has changed you.”

I gave her the side-eye before training my gaze on my hands and picking at my cuticles. “I don’t think it’s like that between us anymore, anyway.”

“Oh, sure it isn’t,” she mocked.

“It’s not,” I insisted. “I screwed everything up, and after last night…” I blew out a breath. “He doesn’t want me…not anymore.”

She sat back up, curling her legs under her. “And you believe this why ? Because all I know is that that man has bent over backwards to do anything and everything for you. So please tell me why you think there’s nothing going on anymore. ”

I shook my head, eyes tearing at the truth of her words and the pain of what I saw. I trusted Edith. She’d always been loyal. Was there a reason why I shouldn’t allow myself the comfort of her support?

The smile slipped off her face. “Mara?”

I sighed heavily, and then I told her what I saw earlier between him and Blondie.

She rubbed her chin. “So, because Calista can’t keep her hands to herself, you’re going to believe that Wes—who sacrificed everything , might I add—is just going to turn around and screw his ex-girlfriend because the two of you had a fight?

Of course she would be Miss Grabby Hands. Why does that surprise you?”

“He didn’t stop her,” I argued with a bite in my tone.

“And you saw all of this pornographic fornication right there in the hallway?” she asked, cocking a brow. “They just stripped right there and went to town like bunnies on a full moon, huh?”

Bunnies on a full moon? “Well, no—”

She smiled triumphantly. “My point exactly. You saw Calista grab at him and then you saw nothing else.”

“He didn’t deny it,” I added vehemently.

“So? Did he ever actually say they were doing the nasty?”

My jaw dropped for a moment. I paused. And then I snapped it closed. “No.”

She held her arms out. “Well then, there you go. You’re assuming a whole lot, newbie, and you’re getting your pretty panties all up in a bunch when you should be picking out that wedgie and telling Wes you’re sorry for being a bitch—”

“Hey!”

“And then beg him to take you in every position he knows how.”

I buried my face in my hands. “ Edith! Could you have said that any louder?”

“Yes, I absolutely can. Should I?”

“No! ”

She pursed her lips, narrowing her gaze on me for a moment.

“Look, I think you need to have a very clear conversation with him. If he’s done, then let him tell you that instead of you assuming it.

And you need to be square with him, too, Mara.

You’re both in a world of hurt, and the rest of the UFA is going to the dogs.

Do you seriously want to screw up your one shot with him all because you think he’s boinking the blonde? ”

I stayed silent, weighing her words. She had a point…I guessed.

Edith placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

“Calista’s a bombshell, I get it. But you’ve got all the right equipment, newbie, and I more than adequately prepared you with all the right attire.

And that guy cares a shit ton about you, Mara.

I think it’s about time you cut it out with the self-sabotage and stop getting in your own way. ”

My head reeled back as though she had actually slapped me. But she was right. Edith was always freaking right.

“Plus, I know the dude’s got all the right stuff in all the right places. I’ve seen him in those mission jumpsuits.” She kissed her fingertips. “And my compliments definitely go out to the Creator.”

“Oh jeez, Edith. Do you ever power down?”

“ What? I’ve got eyes, don’t I? I’m allowed to look; it’s a free faction last time I checked.”

I chuckled…a real chuckle. Warmth fluttered inside me like the wings of a newly birthed butterfly. It wasn’t much, but it was there, and it felt good.

She looked up at the canopy of the willow, face twisted in pensive thought. “I bet he’s intense in the sack.”

I gawked. “I can not believe you just said that.”

“What?” she asked again, holding her hands out, palms up. “He’s so intense about everything, I figured he would be equally domineering between the sheets.”

I pulled the collar of my shirt up, hiding my head like a human turtle.

“ Seriously ,” she drawled. “I bet he gives it hard— ”

“Edith!” I screamed out at her, jumping to my feet. “I’m done! I’m seriously done,” I rattled off as I started powerwalking down the path back to the estate.

“Where are you going?” she called.

I didn’t bother responding. I just waved my hands up in the air in the universal motion of I’m not doing this as I marched back to the estate.

But the endless cackles of laughter coming from behind me told me that Edith wasn’t even a little mad that I just ditched her. She freaking did it on purpose.