Page 19

N ate opens the door to his ensuite bathroom. “Make yourself at home. I’m going to go warm us up some Hot Pockets for old times’ sake. Pizza or ham and cheese?”

I side-eye him playfully. “What do you think?”

He smiles and tugs his cum-coated shirt off, throwing it in the dirty clothes and answers, “Ham and cheese.”

Biting my lip at the sight of his broad shoulders and ripped body, I nod and close the door behind me. Even with two years apart, it's amazing how much we still remember about each other.

I use the bathroom and wash the smudged mascara off my face. My panties are soaked from the club, so I slip them off and lay them on the side of his tub. There’s no way I was keeping them on for long anyway with how needy I’m feeling.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I still can’t believe what we did in the club earlier. It was so fucking hot and the fact he came in his pants gave me a confidence I didn’t even know I was lacking.

But as I step out of the bathroom, I find myself nervous with anticipation. I slide my Air Forces off beside his football bag. Something catches my eye, and I bend down to examine what appears to be my scrunchie he stole the other day when he showed up at Phil and Tiffany’s. He has it tied to his bag like a trophy, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t love it. When he took it from me, it brought back so many memories. Sixteen-year-old me loved being the center of his world.

I hear the microwave beeping downstairs, and I contemplate going down there with him, but a journal on his desk captures my attention next. I don’t even attempt to justify me invading his privacy. I immediately snoop, knowing this must be where the letters he has left me come from.I open the page to where the ribbon is placed.

Freshmen Year- May 7th

Last night felt so wrong. I’ve never wanted to take back a night in my life so bad.

Well, maybe one other, but the truth would have eventually come out, ruining us anyway.

I thought it would be different. I thought I’d feel relief or satisfaction, at the very least. Instead, I feel fucking ashamed and disgusted. I tried staying present in the moment and enjoying the touch of someone other than my own hand for the first time in almost a year.

In the beginning, the alcohol was enough to take over my senses, but I’ll never forget the moment her brown eyes opened, and they weren’t blue. It hit me like a tidal wave.

So, I closed my eyes and pictured her. Blue eyes, blonde hair, gloss on her lips, my BB. And when it was over and I opened my eyes again, reality slapped me in the face.

How am I supposed to do this? All because two selfish people ruined everything.

I re-read the middle part again, digesting what this entry is referring to. He pictured me when he was with someone else. I don’t know whether to be flattered or sick.

“Berkley, let me explain.” Nate’s voice is suddenly right behind me.

I turn toward him as he sets the food down on his nightstand, rushing over to me as I process what I just read.

“May 7 th … Was that your first time after…” I swallow the lump in my throat. “After us?”

He gently rubs the back of his knuckle down my cheek and nods. “First and only.”

My eyebrows pinch as I try to process what he’s saying. “Like first and only with her?”.

With his eyes on mine, he shakes his head. “No, BB.”

Realization hits me. “How? Why?”

“After that night, I knew I was nowhere near ready to move on. It wasn’t worth it.”

“Because you had to think of me?” I find myself inching closer to him, desperately holding on to every word.

He nods, but the concern hasn’t left his face. “Does that upset you?”

I bite my lip. “I don’t know… In some really fucked up way, I think I like it.”

It's hard not to touch him with how he watches me. I can also admit to myself that while reading that was hard, the woman inside of me who’s absolutely feral for Nathan Outlaw loves that he couldn’t get off without thinking of me.

Reaching between him, I tug the waistband of his pants, bringing him flush against me. His hands find my hips as I speak. “I know how sexual of a man you are, Nate. What have you been doing the past two years?”

His hazel eyes turn almost black like they were at the club. “Fucking my hand and thinking of you. Hence why I came in my damn pants tonight.” Nate moves his right hand around me, gripping my ass. “I’m not exaggerating when I say I was seconds from coming when you were rubbing your ass all over me, but the minute my finger slid into your pussy, I knew there was no controlling it.”

I moan, and we both move simultaneously. In the next breath, our lips are colliding. I almost forgot what this was like. Tongues tangling, teeth clashing, skin nipping…an all-consuming kiss.

The type of kiss that only has one way of ending.

He walks us backwards, and we crash down onto his bed, only taking a breath before our lips are searing together again. I straddle him just like I was at the club, my dress riding up over my hips. With my bare pussy grinding into his already hard cock, we both groan into each other's mouths.

Nate looks down between us, and I feel his cock throb against me at the sight.

“What did you do with your thong, needy girl?”

I roll my hips across his hard dick and moan.

“I knew I wouldn’t need them for long.” Leaning down, I bite his lip. “Plus, they were drenched from earlier.”

“I want to see all of you.” He leans up, tugging my dress over my head. My breasts bounce free, and if I could bottle up this feeling, I would. He watches me with both familiarity and a renewed appreciation. I’ve never felt sexier in my life, from just the appreciation on his face.

“You are so beautiful.” He closes his eyes for a brief second, like he’s committing it to memory.

Shaking his head, this time when he speaks, his voice is full of emotion. “To think I almost lost the privilege of ever seeing this again.”

I gently kiss his lips. “Hey, don’t do that. Stay with me in this moment.”

He runs his thumb over my hip bone. “I’m here, BB. I’m here.”

We kiss desperately again, until his fingers move between us, finding my wet center.

“Fuck. I didn’t think you could get any more soaked than you were earlier.”

Letting my teeth graze the pulse on his neck, I whisper, “This needy pussy wants you inside me so bad.”

“Oh yeah?” The confident Nate I know is back, circling his thumb over my swollen clit.

He slips two fingers into me. “Ride my hand,” he commands as his free hand roams all over my body. His fingers expertly find my G-spot, like he knows my body better than I do.

I completely lose it when he grips the back of my neck, pulling me down closer, causing my clit to rub against the palm of his hand as his fingers move in and out at the perfect pace. My body shudders, and I call out his name as I come so unexpectedly fast, my vision blurs.

“Fuck yes,” he groans, kissing me through my orgasm.

Then he’s flipping me over, laying me on my back, and I watch as he frees his cock. My core clenches again as I take him in.

Nate’s eyes never leave me. He makes a display of circling his thumb and the two fingers he had inside of me around his shaft, rubbing my arousal on himself. I groan at the sight. He’s the sexiest man on this earth, and I’m desperate with a capital ‘D’ right now.

He gives his cock a squeeze, and his eyes roll back in his head. “Fuck, I’m trying not to come before I get inside of you. I need to feel you, but you are my every fantasy come to life.”

His words light me on fire.

“Well then, get inside me, Outlaw,” I tell him breathily.

His eyes narrow on me, and then his knee is on the bed, and he’s lining his cock up with my pussy. One hand on his thick dick and the other on my waist, he rolls his hips into me, my wetness coating his cock even more.

“Shit, I need to put on a condom. I’m sorry. I’m just so used to?—”

He stops himself, but I know what he’s thinking. We never used condoms when we were younger.

“Don’t use one… Just me and you. I want… No, I need to feel you. I’ve only ever been bare with you. If you’re comfortable with it, it’s what I want.”

He doesn’t even respond; instead, the head of his cock presses against me. With one fluid stroke, he pushes the tip inside, making me whimper. “Oh shit,” he moans, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He swivels his hips, and it drives me even wilder with lust to feel him fully seated inside of me.

When his eyes open again, he pushes all the way, letting out a guttural moan I feel down to the tips of my toes. My body happily accepts him, like it's been waiting for this moment for far longer than I was willing to admit.

I see a fire in his eyes, unlike anything I’ve seen before, as he watches himself disappear inside of me. Everything this man does makes me feel so damn special, but especially the way his soul sears into mine, full of adoration, through his hazel lust-filled gaze.

He starts slowly, moving in and out of me with measured strokes, and groans, “You feel unbelievable.”

When I meet his stare, his eyes are glistening with unshed tears, and it truly hits me just how prolific this moment is between us. He leans down to kiss me again. “I’ve missed this so much… Missed you so much.”

I swallow thickly. “I’ve missed this too.”

The feeling of him inside of me, his hands and emotional eyes roaming all over my body, and the impending orgasm have me overwhelmed in the best way. Watching Nate move with so much fervor in his eyes is something I don’t think I could fully describe if I wanted to.

A bead of sweat from the longer strands on top of his head drips between my breast, and he licks it, tongue swiping up to my neck, where he leaves a wet kiss. Fuck, why was that so hot.

My body is more alive than it’s been in two years, and I meet him thrust for thrust, chasing the feeling of ecstasy.

“BB, I’m about to come,” Nate sputters.

“I’m close, so close,” I moan, feeling just as desperate. “Come inside me.”

“You want me to coat the inside of this tight, needy pussy with my cum, baby?” he asks, twisting my nipple, and I’m a goner.

“Oh shit, Nate.” I moan, long and low, as my orgasm starts from the base of my spine, and the second I hear the groan rip through him, our eyes lock, and I come harder than I ever have.

My pussy continues to spasm with aftershocks as I come down from the high.

Nate immediately kisses my lips, down to my neck and the top of my chest. The need to touch me, even in his post-orgasmic bliss, makes me feel incredible.

“That was unreal,” I say breathlessly

“Like it always was with us,” Nate says, standing up and walking into the bathroom. “Were you worried it wouldn’t be the same?” he asks when he comes back out with a washcloth and cleans me up.

The sweet gesture takes me back to our first time together. He has always cared for me in a way I took for granted, until I realized that not every guy is like him.

I shake my head and answer honestly, “No, not one bit, but sometimes I wondered if I created an illusion in my head about how good it was between us.”

He pulls me in to him, placing his chin on top of my head. “I’m so sorry I ever put those doubts in your mind.”

I breathe in his scent. Everything about this night feels so surreal, but one thing I genuinely feel in my bones is that Nate didn’t intend to hurt me.

“I know, but I also have come to terms with the fact you did what you felt was best. You aren’t the villain in this story, Nate. They are,” I whisper, kissing his bare chest.

“Knowing what I know now, if I could go back and change the decision I made that night, I would.”

Leaning back, I look him in the eye. “I won’t sugarcoat things. Something changed inside my soul that day…” I swallow, my voice thick with emotion. Being in his arms feels like all is finally the way it should be, but I also remember how painful the day he left me was. “And I’ve built up some major barricades around my heart since then.”

I see the pain flash in his eyes at my honesty, but I don’t let myself feel guilty. Nate didn’t have any intention of hurting me, but I also can’t help how I dealt with it.

“I understand. I’ll take whatever you give me.”

This man. Who am I kidding?

My barricades are more like hazard cones at this point, and he’s plowing right through them.

Literally.

I bury my face into his neck, and we hold each other until I think of something I’ve been wanting to ask him.

“The journal… When did you start that?”

“My dad sent it to me one of my first weeks in Texas. He knew I was going through a lot, so he encouraged me to write it all down to help me work through everything.” He lets out a chuckle. “At first, I was a typical teenage boy, skeptical at the idea of keeping a sort of diary. But one day, he said to just pretend it was a playbook. It’s only for you to see anyway, so who cares. Now I realize how effective it has been for me. It was the best coping mechanism I could’ve asked for at the time. Honestly, if we—” He clears his throat. “If I ever have children, I will encourage them to write in a journal from an early age.”

The butterflies in my belly multiply at his slip-up.

I smile at him. “I think it's amazing. Your dad is the best.”

“He really is.” He digs into his nightstand and pulls out a stack of journals.

“This was my first one.”He passes one to me, and I sit up, clenching the sheet to my bare chest with one hand and tracing my fingertips over his handwriting with the other.

The Playbook of Nathan Outlaw’s Life

“The very first page is about you. Not sure if it's too much tonight, but if you’re comfortable with it, take a look.” He nods toward the book to encourage me.

Even if it hurts, I want to know. The not knowing and assuming over the past two years has been the hardest part.

I take a deep breath and open the journal.

Freshmen year- August 15th

I finally broke down and tried to call you today. As I suspected, you blocked me. I can’t say I blame you.

It’s so hard when the one person you want to talk to about something is the one person you can’t for so many reasons.

I keep second guessing if I did the right thing. What if my mom and your dad end up together and you end up finding all of it out either way? What if your image of both of your parents is ruined by all this? I think the last piece of my heart will break if that happens.

I will have lost you and you will have lost that.

I’m so frustrated with my mom and your dad. Disgusting, selfish assholes. But I just keep telling myself I did the right thing. I would have never wanted to keep that secret from you, especially while navigating a long-distance relationship. It would have just put another hundred miles between us. And these would have been tainted with lies and betrayal.

My dad thinks I should tell you, but he doesn’t understand that your dad is all you have. He doesn’t understand that you idolized your parents’ love story as a memoir to your mother.

These are the things that keep me up at night.

I miss you so fucking much, BB. I wish my life was like a DVD, and we could just scratch out the bad part, the part where I saw something that changed the trajectory of our love story.

Nate takes the book from me as I process what I just read. My chest aches for the boy I loved so much, who was silently hurting. The next page he hands me is a date easy to recognize.

My birthday.

Freshmen year- March 26th

Happy Birthday to my BB. Today, you turn 19. If you had asked me how I would be spending your birthday a year ago, it definitely wouldn’t have been drunk in my room, avoiding reality.

I saw pictures… Graham said y’all celebrated a day early. He won’t really tell me anything else.

I saw Carter Graves in your pictures. I’m pretending he’s just a familiar face from back home, that there’s nothing more to his arm around you. The alternative would gut me.

You look happy in the pictures with the girls you’re hanging out with now. I know you blocked me, but since Graham was tagged, I was able to see. I loved seeing your genuine smile. In some fucked-up way, it brought me peace today.

I hope you feel your mom’s love today; I know she’d be so proud of you.

I’m pretty fucked up, BB, but I’m trying to get back to the old Nate.

I’m just not so sure I know who I am without you anymore.

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful girl in the world. Speaking of the most beautiful girl… Did you know the beach wasn’t the first day I saw you?

It’s true. I don’t know why I never told you this before. But I saw you on the boardwalk a couple of days before. You had on a purple sundress, and I literally ran into a pole and got ice cream all over myself, watching you smile at people as you walked down the boardwalk. I wanted to talk to you so badly that day, but I looked like an idiot with chocolate ice cream all over me. I searched for two days until I found you lying on the beach in that sexy blue bikini. Nothing was stopping me that day from talking to you.

Sometimes, I wonder if you regret giving me a chance.

I let out a deep sigh, just staring at the page for another moment. My stomach sours at the torment in his words.

Shaking my head and trying my best to keep my tears at bay, I tell him, “Nate, I would never regret that day. No matter what… I mean that with every fiber of my being. Never.”

He gently traces his finger over my exposed thigh. “Thank you for saying that.”

“I mean it. Even on my worst days, I never regretted a second of my time with you.” We just look at each other for a moment, so much love still between us it’s palpable, before I ask, “Can I see one more?”

“You can see them all.” He smiles up at me and opens the journal from the bottom of the stack, flipping through the book until he finds the entry he’s looking for and passes it to me.

April 25th- Sophomore Year

It’s official, I’m going to Mountain Ridge. I’ve known it since the moment they asked me. They have one thing that Alabama and Florida don’t, and she makes the decision easy.

I’m hoping this is fate’s way of kicking me in the ass and giving me one final chance. But another part of me is scared to take that chance because won’t everything we went through be for nothing if she finds out the truth?

Am I willing to be the person responsible for destroying the image she has of her parents?

I’m as conflicted as I was the day we broke up, but one thing I do know is that I’m not giving up on the chance to be near her again. I’ll figure out the rest when I get there.

Let’s just hope I don’t shatter my heart even more than I already have.

My own heart hammers, and I close my eyes. I can feel his chaotic emotions coming off the page in each of these entries.

We were both in so much pain.

His large hand cups my face. “BB, talk to me.”

My mind retraces the words from the first page he ripped out and left on my doorstep when he came to Mountain Ridge. I was so angry with him then, and now I’m seeing all this in a completely different light.

“It just hurts so bad knowing we were both aching for each other.”

Maybe if I hadn’t blocked him, he would have given in and told me.

“Do you think if I had answered that night when you called, you would have told me?”

He shakes his head. “Don’t do that to yourself. None of this was your fault. Do you hear me?”

I nod, resting my forehead against his.

“I’m glad you said yes to MRU’s football team,” I whisper, because I wouldn’t want to go another day not knowing what I know now.

“Me too, baby. Me too.” As he smiles at me, I feel it deep in my soul.

Loud noises from downstairs breakthrough our bubble.

“Call of Duty, anyone?” Maverick’s voice sing-songs.

“The hellions are home,” Nate whispers.

“I’m down,” I hear Willow holler back. My expression mirrors Nate’s confused one, and then we hear Bellamy and Cash arguing over pizza rolls versus taquitos.

“They must have talked the girls into coming back.”

Nate peeks at the time on his phone. “I hope Willow texted Dad and let him know she wasn’t going back to the hotel.”

“I’m sure she did. Even when she stayed with us girls Thursday, she still texted him to let him know when we all got home.” I run my fingers through his hair. “Is it bad if I keep you all to myself up here.”

He smirks. “What’d you have in mind, baby?”

Using my thumb to tug his bottom lip down, I whisper, “If I remember correctly, you were really good with this mouth of yours.”

He lets out a deep laugh and my pussy clenches at the sexy sound.

“Baby, I’d…”

Bam. Bam. Bam . “Berk, don’t forget to use plenty of lube on that pretty little finger of yours.”

I gasp, picking up Nate’s pillow as I bury my face in a fit of laughter.

“Fuck off, Nola!” Nate yells back, but I hear the smile on his lips before he’s laying on top of me, tickling my sides. “See what you started?”

We laugh until he grazes my nipple, and the air immediately shifts again. The lust is back in his eyes, and he bends his head, flattening his tongue and running it from one nipple to the other.

Then he sits up, kneeling between my legs. His hard cock draws my attention until he speaks, “I’m ready to eat, BB.”

He sucks in his bottom lip, and I’m pretty sure I stop breathing with anticipation. One gentle swipe of his tongue from the top of my slit to the bottom, and my body bucks off the bed.

That sexy chuckle is back, and with it is a devilish smirk. “Just to make sure you remember correctly…” He slowly licks his top lip like he’s savoring the first taste of me. “I’m about to eat this pussy till it's dripping down my chin and you’re begging for a break.”

My core weeps at his words. Leaning up on my forearms, I spread my legs wider. “Please, Nate, I need a really good reminder.”