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“ I needed this today,” I say as I lounge in the sauna next to Darby and Bellamy, begging my brain to calm down and enjoy the serenity. But my emotions are clawing their way out.

“Honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you two.” My eyes well with tears as an overwhelming wave of pain and gratitude floods me. I think they know this, but I don’t just mean today…but more importantly, these past two years.

“Aw, babe, we love you,” Bellamy smiles, and Darby gently squeezes my arm. I see the emotion shining in both my best friends’ eyes as they watch me closely, likely unsure of what to say. At twenty years old, not many people know how to handle death. But sometimes it’s not about what you say; it’s about just listening and letting that person pour out all their hurt.

Nate is a natural empath; even at sixteen years old, he somehow knew exactly what I needed. When I saw him at my door today, I can’t explain what I felt.

Relieved. Loved. Seen.

“I hope today helps ease your mind, even if just for a little bit,” Bellamy says, and I see the way her nostrils flare, trying to hold in her own tears.

I smile through my emotion, reaching out to squeeze each of their hands. Thankful to know such true friendships.

So far, today has already been a whirlwind. Even though I’ve yearned for real answers from Nate, I wasn’t prepared for what they would actually be. Strangely, I feel a bit more at peace knowing the truth, but that doesn’t mean I'm not pissed about being kept in the dark. My heart breaks for my mom and what the truths he revealed today did to her at the time. And if I’m being honest, I hurt for Nate, too. I’ve spent so much time being angry with him that I never considered blaming anyone but him. I’m still frustrated with the situation in general, but now I’m so damn confused. There’s a small voice in the back of my consciousness, telling me how selfless of an act it was. If anyone besides my therapist knew my struggles over my mother’s death, it’s Nate. The fact he tried to preserve her memory for me sends a pang straight through my heart.

But was he just going to let me go forever? Did he think I’d never find out?

So many questions. And then the way he’s been with me since arriving in Mountain Ridge just confuses me further.

We sit in comfortable silence as we let the soothing music surround us, but my thoughts have my anxiety spiraling.

“What’s everyone’s weekend plans?” Bell asks, and I’m thankful for the distraction.

“Jackie told me she’ll be home this weekend, so I'm going to head out Friday after my morning class,” Darby says with a dreamy smile on her face.

“I'm babysitting Friday and at The Wolfpack Saturday night,” I reply.

“Aw, man, the boys said they’re going to drive to Georgia for the game this weekend since it's their last chance at catching an away game before hockey gets into full swing. I was going to see if either of you wanted to come.”

“Sorry, boo, I need to work this weekend.” But I’m tempted to call out. For a reason I’m not willing to admit, I want to go to that game more than I probably should.

“Sorry, you’re on your own. Who else is going?” Darby asks.

“Mav, Cash, and I think that was it…” Bell says.

“Tori isn’t going?” I ask, knowing Bellamy’s disdain for Tori runs deep.

“Hell no! That’s why I was all about going with them,” she quips.

Even though she always brushes it off when we try to bring it up, there’s a stark difference in her relationship with her stepbrothers.And I have a strong feeling that even if Tori wasn’t the most annoying chick in the world, Bellamy simply wouldn’t like her because she’s Cash’s girlfriend.

“Well, enjoy the peace then,” Darby laughs, and she’s not wrong. Tori is a lot. She’s loud, quite obnoxious, and very over the top…and not in a good way. Her actions are usually very deliberate and a way to seek out the wrong kind of attention. However, if I saw the way my boyfriend looked at his stepsister, I’d probably be insecure too.

Bellamy stands up, mouth hanging open and panting. “I’m getting hot as hell. Let’s go out into the little comfy area and wait for our massage therapists. Please.”

Darby laughs at her sudden dramatics. “Sure, since you said please.”

“Are we going to discuss the fact that I found you in Nathan Outlaw’s lap?” Bellamy asks, clearing her throat, as we nestle up in a private area of the women’s lounge.

I swat at her arm, where she sits beside me on the plush couch. “You make it sound pervy when you say it like that.”

“Only questioning what I walked in on.” She puts her hands up, but the teasing smile on her face makes me laugh.

“He brought me flowers today, not just any flowers, but my mom’s favorite. Then we went for a walk…”

I proceed to fill the girls in on what Nate revealed to me. Unloading it all, from when I moved away to how dodgy Nate was acting before the night we broke up. Every gritty detail of my father’s indiscretions.

Once I'm done, both of them stare at me with their mouths open.

“Holy shit,” Darby says.

“Well, that certainly explains a lot,” Bellamy says, handing us both a bottle of water from the mini cooler in the lounge. I think his behavior since he’s been here has confused my best friends as much as it has me.

“What now?” Darby asks as she takes a swig.

“It was a hell of a lot to take in, and honestly, I don’t even know…” It’s the truth, of course, because I really don’t know what to do with this information. I’m pissed he didn’t tell me. Deep down, I know he was trying to protect me, but it was something we could have worked through. Something we could have faced together. Instead, he chose to keep me in the dark, and I’ve been suffering the loss ever since. But if I'm being honest with myself, I think my real resentment lies with my dad and his mom. Not only for putting Nate in that position, but for hurting my mom the way they did. There’s no excuse for my dad’s continued adultery, and I’m not sure I can ever get over that.

“Can’t say I blame you. That’s a lot to unload,” Bellamy says as our masseuses enter the room to collect us.

Darby squeezes my shoulder. “Whatever you decide or need to vent about, we’re here for you.”

I smile at them both, then follow my masseuse to my room. I’m hoping I can shut my mind off enough to relax and enjoy my massage. Not sure that’s happening today, though.

I lie on my bed, staring at my phone and avoiding my dad’s calls. Thankfully, he doesn’t call me much, but I guess a day like today gets to whatever conscious he has left. But after what Nate confirmed earlier, I’m considering blocking his number.

And then there’s the text that Carter sent an hour ago.

Carter

Hey beautiful, decide what you’d like to have for dinner, and I’ll pick it up after practice. We can watch any movie you choose… I promise I won’t argue. I'm thinking of you today.

I know I need to respond. It's not fair to leave him in limbo, but he’s not good at this stuff, and I don’t think I have the energy to fake it for him. Wiping the residue from the honey barbecue chips I’ve been eating off on the old t-shirt I’m wearing, I text him back. I’m in full slob fest tonight, and I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

Me

Hey you! Can we grab breakfast tomorrow or Friday before you leave instead? I’m sorry. I have a headache and planning to crash soon.

Then I go into my call log and delete my dad’s calls, not wanting to see them in my recent history for my own mental health.

My finger hovers over Nate’s number in my contact list. I never could bring myself to delete it permanently. His name looks so formal, Nathan Outlaw. I guess that was one of my tactics back then to make him seem less than what he was to me.

The boy who broke my soul.

The boy I loved, even when I wished I could stop.

I scroll down to find another number I haven’t called in a long time. Someone who at one point was like a little sister to me, and even though I regret it now, at the time, it just hurt too much to stay in close contact with her. Part of me wonders if she even wants to hear from me, but I push the doubt away.

The phone picks up, and I hear rustling. “Is this real life?” Willow’s voice sounds through the line, somehow the exact same but also so different. Older.

Unable to hold in a laugh before responding, I say, “Some days, I’m not sure anymore, babe.”

“Fuck, it is you. That same sweet voice.” This time, she nearly whispers, like she’s trying to decide if this actually is real.

“Excuse me, missy. When did you start using fuck in your vocabulary?”

Now it's her turn to let out a raspy laugh. “The day I realized life was full of no fucks to be given.”

I fake a gasp. “My little spitfire turned into a full-on rebel, huh?”

“Total anarchist. And B, I hate to tell you, but I’m not little Willow anymore.”

“Unless you grew a ton since the last picture I saw of you, I’m sure I’ve still got you by a couple inches,” I tease, trying to picture her now; she was always gorgeous. I can only imagine her now, with her big blue eyes, probably a sleek jawline like her brother, and sexy tattoos on her sun-kissed skin.

“Maybe if you’d update your social media, I’d know a little something. Your brother also said you have more ink than him.”

“Social media isn’t for true rebels, babe.” I can almost see her smirk.

“Also, all I really heard there was that you talked to my brother. Tell me about that...”

I feel a blush creep onto my face at her comment.

“I mean, he did show up at my school like an asshole.”

“Funny how that worked out, right?”

I huff a laugh. “I’ve been thinking the same thing. But I’m tolerating him.”

“Same.”

A pregnant silence stretches between us. “How are you, Will? Truly?”

She lets out a little grunt. “I’m ok. Getting there.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your parents,” I say gently, trying to broach the subject.

“It’s for the best. I just want my dad to be happy.”

“Well, he’s already the eye candy of my place of employment.” I leave out the part about my one co-worker I officially never want to talk to again after she told me she’d give anything for the father and son duo to tag team her.

“Fuck, great, so he’s definitely not allowed to visit me next year.”

I can’t help but laugh again, until it hits me what she had just said. “Wait, are you coming here?”

“Yep! Well, the dean said I should be a shoo-in. I’m hoping to get my early acceptance soon.”

I sit up, reaching for the Diet Coke that’s sitting beside the empty taco takeout box on my bedside table.

“I’m so excited to hear that. You should come visit and stay with me so you don’t have to stay with all those stinky boys.”

Briefly, I think about how fun it would be to have her stay with me, Bellamy, and Darby for our last year here if she does get in. Then, an onslaught of what ifs flit through my brain, and most of them involve Nate.

“Bet! I’m actually coming for the next home game.”

An idea comes to my mind. “Do you still like to sing?”

“Of course,” she sing-songs back to me.

I giggle. “The girls and I love Karaoke Thursdays at my work. You should totally come up a day early and go with us to that, then crash at our place.”

“It’s a fuck yes for me. I’ll be there.”

Smiling to myself, I shake my head. “You’re a hellion…but geez, I’ve missed you so much. I feel like we have so much to catch up on. I need to know grown-up Willow.”

“Ditto, babe. I’ve discovered I don’t really like people anymore, just FYI.”

She has me cracking up. “Well, I promise you, you’ll like my people.”

“Speaking of your people, who’s better, my brother or Graves?”

I choke on air at her bluntness. “Shut up. You did not just ask me that.”

An evil giggle bursts from her. “Actually, I have a feeling I know the answer, and I don’t want to know the details. I heard enough through the thin walls of our house when I was, like, fourteen.”

My stomach hurts from laughing. This conversation is exactly what I needed to end this day.

“You’re awful.”

I hear what sounds like a door open before Willow says, “Dad just got home with takeout.”

“Okay, go eat. Thanks for taking my call.”

“Thanks for calling me, Berkley. I’ve really missed you in my life.”

Her fun, easy-going tone fades, and I hear a bit of the fifteen-year-old girl who was devastated when she found out her brother and I had broken up.

“I’ve missed you more than you know. I’m sorry, babe.”

“Nothing to be sorry about, B. Bye, babe.” And then she’s gone.

My desire to call Nate is even greater after talking to Willow, but I stop myself.

I do something I said I’d never do, though. Finding his name for a second time, I unblock his number.

Unwanted excitement thrums through me, and I know this is a dangerous game I’m playing with my heart, but I can’t seem to stop.