Page 11

G ently placing the vase of pink roses down beside the apartment door, I slip the letter I wrote her last night in between the stems.

I stand there staring at her door, wishing I could hold her through the tears I know she’ll shed today. Tears I’d give anything to kiss away.

Lifting my fist, I consider knocking, but remind myself she wouldn’t want that. Even though she kissed me last night, the look of regret on her face as she pulled away keeps playing on repeat in my mind. But so does the way her lips felt on mine. So fucking right.

Suddenly, the door is opening, and Berkley stands in front of me. Sporting puffy eyes and a shocked expression as she looks between me and the roses.

“You remembered?” she barely gets out as a sob rips through her, and she covers her mouth.

I instinctively pull her into me. Her head fits perfectly under my chin, just like it used to.

“I’m so sorry, BB.” My heart breaks at the way her body shudders against mine.

A few minutes go by before she settles down. Squatting beside us, she picks up the flowers. After smelling them, a small smile spreads across her pretty face. “Her favorite scent and her favorite color. Thank you again.” She hesitates, then asks, “I was going to go on a run to clear my head, but how about a walk instead?”

“Sure,” I say, way too eagerly.

“Let me put these inside.”

I nod and wait by her door until she rejoins me, and we start our walk in silence. The memory of the first year we spent together on the anniversary of her mother’s death plays out in my thoughts as we make our way toward Ridgeway Park.

Berkley immediately grabs the rope I toss her as I coast up beside the dock. My buoys gently bounce into the small pier as she reaches for my hand and hops in.

The sad look on my sweet girl’s face almost breaks me. I knew today would be hard for her.Her bereavement counselor told her that “the firsts” are always the toughest.

I want to make today the best day I can for her. Full of all the things her mom loves. I was honored when Berkley asked me to take her to Shackleford Banks, one of the smaller islands off Nori Beach, to scatter part of her mom’s ashes.

As I get the boat back in the canal, she immediately throws her arms around me. I keep one hand on the wheel and squeeze her as tight as I can with the other.

“How was breakfast, baby?” I ask. She and her dad had a special breakfast this morning, just the two of them. I invited him to come on the boat, but he told Berkley he would rather have some alone time.

“It was good. My dad made waffles for the first time in over a year because they were her fave,” she sniffles. “He said she wouldn’t want us to live on this earth without chocolate waffles.”

I pull her in between me and the steering wheel, resting my chin on top of her head. One hand on the wheel, the other on her hip. Wanting her to feel the love I have for her, wanting to be the shoulder she leans on during times like this. It breaks my heart that at only sixteen, she’s honoring her mother on the one-year anniversary of her death instead of going to the mall or having a mother-daughter day.

“I’ll feed you chocolate waffles any time you want.” I gently squeeze her side, where I know she’s ticklish.

“Oh yeah?” she giggles, swatting my hand away.

“Yep, they may be L’eggo my Eggo brand until I figure it out.”

That gets a smile from my girl, and I bend down gently, kissing her neck. “Speaking of favorite foods…go peek in the cooler before we pick up speed.”

She eyes me curiously. “What are you up to?”

I shrug and nod for her to go check it out.

Slowly walking up to the head of the boat, she opens the cooler and lets out a little gasp.

“Nate…” Berkley picks the pink roses up from the top of the cooler, tears in her eyes. “How did you know?”

“I listen, baby…every time you talk. I hold on to every word.”

I live and breathe for the smile she gives me. Even on days like today, I just stare at her in awe. The way I love her is so much bigger than I ever understood to be possible.

“Keep looking,” I beam with pride, happy to bring a little sunshine to my girl on such a tough day.

“Oh my gosh, is that a key lime pie from Friendly’s market? Annnd their five-bean salsa dip?” she asks, rummaging through the cooler that I stocked from one of the local markets. It’s a favorite for tourists and locals alike. Berkley and I go there often, and she talks about her mom always stopping there when they’d come to see her aunt before she passed.

“Yep, and I have the chips under the seat. I thought we could have a picnic with a few more of her favorite things.”

The sadness that was staining her face earlier is starting to fade away.

Walking back to me, she says softly, “Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”

“Only during certain times, I don’t think are appropriate to speak of right now.”

She laughs at that. “Well, that too, but seriously, thank you…” Berkley leans up on her tiptoes to kiss me, and I feel it deep in my bones. “Thank you for being you, Nathan Outlaw.”

“Thank you for letting me be here.”

I pull her back in between my legs. “Hang on, baby. Let’s go find your mom the perfect spot.”

We drive out into the ocean and around to the quieter side of the island until Berkley points out a spot. “I think this is perfect.”

She helps me anchor the boat just like she has many times this summer before we hop out and make our way to the shore.

A wide smile spreads across Berkley’s face as she takes in the area. “She’d love it. You can see the horses’ hoofprints in the sand just up the beach.”

I give her a reassuring smile and pass her the ashes she’s been keeping in a small silk pouch.

“Wish your dad could have come; it’s such a beautiful day.”

“I hate the thought of him being alone, but a part of me knows I wouldn’t be able to grieve and embrace the moment the way I want to if he was here. I’d be so worried about his feelings, I wouldn’t take time to focus on my own. It’s something counseling has pointed out and something I’m working on. It’s just hard when I’m all he has.”

My heart sinks for her, for them both. I’m not super close with my mom, but I couldn’t imagine losing her so suddenly the way they did.

“All you can do is take it one day at a time.” I reach for her hand, intertwining our fingers. “Your mom will always be with you. She’s watching over us right now. Eying up all my snacks,” I say, trying to ease her mind and she gives me a gentle smile, squeezing my hand.

“Now let’s honor your mama the way you want to, the way she would love.”

Her confession is the first to break the silence.

“These last two years have been even harder than the first few.”

My heart sinks at her words. She nods for me to follow her over to the bench at the edge of the trail that looks perfectly out onto the mountains surrounding us.

“The happy life I was under the illusion my mom lived was just that… An illusion. I found out the sickening truth Christmas break, freshmen year.”

The hairs on the back of my neck standup… Does she know?

“What do you mean?”

“One thing that always gave me peace was feeling like my mom had a happy life before she left this earth. In my mind, she lived a fairy tale until her last breath.”

I close my eyes. This was a major driving force behind our break up. I never wanted her to lose that vision of her mother.

In this moment, I don’t try to fill the silence because of my own discomfort; I just simply listen.

“The day after Christmas, almost two years ago, a man came to our apartment, beating on the door.”

Was it my dad? No, he wouldn’t have done that to Berkley.

“Do you remember the grief counselor I was seeing once a month in high school, Angela?”

I nod, recalling how helpful that was for her back then.

“Well…it was Angela’s husband, claiming my father was having a full-blown affair with her.”

My eyes widen. I didn’t see that coming.

“Yep. But at first, I believed my dad when he said it was all bullshit, and her husband just didn’t like how close she had become with my dad and me.”She pauses, almost like she’s reflecting back on that conversation. “That was the first lie of many.”

“So I went and stayed with my Aunt Judy for a few days. On New Year's Eve, one of her and Mom’s best friends stayed up late drinking champagne on her enclosed patio. I guess they thought I couldn’t hear them through the screen door, or they were blitzed and didn’t realize how loud they were being, but I overheard a conversation that changed my life and the way I will see my father forever.”

Fuck, here we go. My stomach sours.

“They basically said the accusations were true and of no surprise to them, as my father had affairs repeatedly during their marriage, one of which was the reason they moved away from Nori Beach when I was ten. My aunt even speculated that my dad didn’t come back so that I could be close to her since I didn’t have my mom anymore, but actually with hopes of rekindling an old flame with a woman who was still married.”

I think I may vomit.

“Fuck.” I shake my head, trying to process and consider how to handle this situation. “So, this is why you don’t go back to Nori? Do you ever talk to him?”

“No, he tries, but now he’s living with Angela, and I just have absolutely no desire to see or talk to him. That may be harsh, but I really don’t care.”

Living with Angela explains a lot.

“I don’t think it's harsh at all. Fuck him. He’s ruined too many good things.” And I mean that with every fiber of my soul, especially after hearing all this.

She looks at me curiously, and I wait for the questions, wanting to tell her everything. Originally, I had no intention of even bringing this up today because of how tough I know this day is for her.

But would it be another lie by omission if I don’t?

She stands abruptly, seeming to shake off her emotion. “Let's head back. I’m sure you have stuff to do.”

Wordlessly, I follow her, even though football and school are the least of my concerns at this moment.

“How did you know I don’t go back to Nori Beach anymore?”

I look away sheepishly. “Bellamy may be onto something with the stalker nickname. I actually drove by the apartment multiple times over the past couple of years, but I just assumed it wasn’t meant to be for me to see you. And then my dad told me he heard you never go back.”

“You came looking for me?”

I nod, and she doesn’t respond. Likely processing how fucking confusing my actions are. I don’t blame her.

Again, we walk in silence until we get back to her door, so many things still left unsaid.

“Can I ask you one thing, Nate?” She turns her body toward mine in front of her door, her blue gaze connecting with mine.

“Anything,” I whisper.

“How long did it take you to regret it?”

I feel like Regret is my middle name after everything she just told me...

Tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, I rest my hand on her cheek. “I regretted it before I even did it.”

I remember lying in her bed that morning after barely sleeping a wink. I felt so hopeless, so angry, so out of control.

Tears fill her eyes again, and I am teleported back to that day.

Her head shakes in exasperation as she throws her hands up. “Then why?”

Grabbing her hands, I try to plead with her, growing more anxious by the second. “BB, I don’t want to do this today, of all days.”

“Don’t give me that shit, Nate. Today of all days… I need this! I deserve to know!”

I rake my hands through the longer strands of my hair and blow out a breath.

Relenting, I nod, heart pounding in my ears. “Can I come in?”

She looks down at her Apple watch, then back at me. “Yeah, they should both be in class by now.”

Berkley unlocks the door with a shaky hand, and I follow in behind her. I’m not sure who’s more on edge.

The door opens into the kitchen, where I notice the pink roses sitting in their vase. It’s cozy and feminine, the exact way I envisioned where she would live. She walks over to the couch, moving the plush light pink pillows over slightly for us to sit. Then she turns to me, and I know there’s no more avoiding this conversation.

I swallow roughly, trying to control my emotions before I begin.

“It all started about five days before we broke up.”

Her eyebrows furrow, and I take a deep breath to center myself once more.

“During one of my parents’ fights, I overheard my dad say something to my mom I couldn’t quite process at first.”

“What?” she immediately asks.

“He said…” I wish I could go back and tell her all this two years ago.

Walking in the back door of the house, I immediately stop in my tracks at the screaming coming from the kitchen.

My dad’s angry words echo down the hallway. “This is un-fucking believable. I can’t believe you’re seeing him again. After everything.” I hear what sounds like his hand slamming against the countertop. “Especially not even considering your son in all of this. You are even more selfish than I realized.”

With more sadness in his words, my dad speaks again. “Fucking hell, Jane. Did you really not think about that? He loves that girl so much.”

I hear a huff, then my mom sneers. “They’re just kids, Brian. Don’t give me a guilt trip.”

“Get out of my fucking house!” My dad yells.

Not wanting to see either of them, I sneak back out the way I came in.

Berkley’s eyes trace my face as her brain works through what I’m telling her.

“I contemplated asking my dad for days, but I was almost too scared to know the answer. But then, the morning after the pool party, there was no denying my assumptions.” I shake my head, wishing I could erase the memory from my mind. “I walked out to the kitchen, knowing you’d need a big glass of water when you woke up, but unfortunately, something caught my eye on your back patio…”

“My mom and your dad in an undeniable romantic embrace.”

My gut churns just like it did that morning when I laid back down in bed beside her. I hate the shocked look on Berkley’s face as the realization hits her.

She gasps. “Your mom was the reason we moved from Nori Beach to begin with, wasn’t she?”

I nod. “According to my dad, who I confronted right before I left for school, their affair had spanned over several years.”

“Oh my god.” She leans forward, putting her face in her hands.

“I’m so sorry. I should have told you, but I was scared. I felt like I would still lose you, and on top of that, the idea of the fairy tale you thought your parents had would be shattered, along with the respect you had for your father.” I want to hold her, but I know she needs some space.

“You should have. They ruined her, they ruined us.” Her voice rises with every word. “I FUCKING hate them.”

“I do too.” The whisper sounds as painful as all this feels.

She looks up at me, and I hate the tears in her eyes are because of me. “I remember how off you were that week. I just assumed it was nerves over us being long distance.”

Shaking my head vigorously, I respond truthfully. “I was a coward that morning, using that as an excuse, but I thought I was doing the right thing for you.” I take her hand in mine. “I knew your dad was so important to you after losing your mom, and I didn’t want to ruin the image you had of the man you loved so much. But even more than that, I didn’t want to ruin the happy image you had of your mother’s life before her aneurysm. And I felt like if we were together and I hid it from you, that would be the ultimate betrayal.”

I’d give anything to go back and rethink that decision that changed the trajectory of both our lives.

Berkley starts sobbing, and I drop to my knees in front of where she sits on the couch, pulling her into me. I didn’t think my heart could break any more after losing her, but seeing her like this is killing me.

“I’m so, so sorry, baby. Just never forget your mom had the greatest love ever… Her love for you.” I lift her chin, tears welling in my own eyes at her stricken face. “And take it from someone who loves you and has been loved by you, it's the best thing she could have ever experienced.”

Her chin wobbles, but she slings her arms around me. We hold each other like this for several minutes before she sits back.

Then she puts her face back in her hands. “I’m sorry. It’s so much to process. I’m livid, but I’m also hurt. I feel like they took so much from her. So much from us.”

“The day I left for college, I spewed venom in my mom’s direction, and I haven’t spoken a word to her since.”

“Does Willow know?”

I shake my head. “She doesn’t know it was your dad, but she knows about the affair. She still speaks to my mom at times, but our family is a mess.”

“All because of my dad.”

“It was just as much her fault. They are both selfish.”

She exhales a shaky breath. “I feel sick… This is too much. I think I need to lay down.”

I hate them even more in this moment.

“Can I get you something?” I ask, not wanting to leave her like this.

She shakes her head.

“Please let me do something, BB?”

She lies down, and I barely hear the words she whispers, “Hold me, Nate.”

Wanting nothing more, I do as she says. Berkley fits her head under my chin like she always used to do, and I place a gentle kiss to her blonde hair.

Everything feels better with her in my arms, even if just for a little while.

A couple of hours later, I wake up, Berkley still asleep on my lap. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I realize the meeting to watch game film with my quarterback coach was supposed to start thirty minutes ago.

Gently sitting up, I text him back, letting him know I’ll miss the film because something came up. I really don’t care about the repercussions. Berkley is more important than anything, even football.

I take my time looking her over, wishing I could take every bit of sadness from her heart and replace it with nothing but happiness. It’s so hard knowing that everything we went through was for nothing because her father hurt her anyway, showing his true colors.

And I hurt her too.

The creak of the front door opening startles me, and in walks Bellamy, who slightly jerks back when she sees me sitting there.

But in true Bellamy fashion, she quickly adjusts and hits me with the snark. “Damn, stalker boy, you’re taking this thing to a whole new level. Staring while she sleeps.”

Berkley wakes up at the sound of her best friend’s voice, looking between us with a dazed expression.

“Good, sleeping beauty is up.” She blows Berkley a kiss. “Darby is on her way back. We have massages and pedicures booked at the Grove Park Inn this afternoon.”

“What?” Don’t you guys have class?” Her voice is still thick from her nap.

“Psshh. Did you really think we were going to let you sit in here all day by yourself?” She clears her throat. “Or with your crazy stalker… He was a plot twist I didn’t see coming.”

We both chuckle at that as Bellamy walks down the hallway.

“I’ll get out of your hair. Can we talk again soon?”

She nods, searching my eyes. “Part of me feels like our conversation earlier was a dream.”

I give her a gentle smile. “I wish it was, and that I could rewind time to two years ago.”

Berkley just stares at me until she finally whispers, “Me too,” and my heart soars at that admission.

But her next words quickly take the wind out of my sails. “But unfortunately, no matter whose fault it is, we can’t.”

I swallow my emotions down. “I know.”

“But I would like to talk some more, too.” She stands up, and I take that as my cue to leave.

Okay, I’ll take that. What did I expect? It's been two years, and I just unloaded a shit ton that she hasn’t even had time to digest yet. Plus, she has a boyfriend.

I make my way toward her front door, not wanting to push my luck today. “Have fun with your girls.”

“Thank you. And good luck with Georgia this weekend. If you play like you did this past Saturday, you’ll get the W, no problem,” Berkley smiles, opening the door for me.

“Thanks,” I say, pulling her into a hug, and thankfully, she complies. “I hope I didn’t make today worse.”

“I needed it to truly start my healing process.”

“Well, just remember what I said about her knowing her greatest love in you.”

With watery eyes, she smiles genuinely. “Thanks, Outlaw.”

“Of course, BB,”I say, walking out the door, even though the last thing I want to do is leave her.

I don’t know where we go from here; I just know she’s the only thing I want.