Page 24 of Reckoning

It’s easier to just comply. It’s easier not to make a situation.

“But it tastes disgusting now, Mummy.” Lara moans.

Rose gives her a deadpan look that makes even me cringe and then Lara gives in and stops protesting.

“So, you’re going to get your own place?” Ben says quietly to me.

I look across at him and nod. “It’s about time, don’t you think?”

He smiles encouragingly. “Want someone to come house shopping with you?”

I can hear the hope. I can hear the kindness in his words too. He doesn’t want to be pushy. He’s just so desperately trying to support me in whatever way he can. So much of me wants to say no. I should say no. Giving in, being nice back isn’t doing him any good is it? It’s just hurting him.

“Sure.” I say because somehow, for some illogical reason it feels like if I’m careful I can let him down gently. That soon he will give this all up and this way is so much better than carving his damn heart out.

He grins back, like I’ve agreed to go on a date and I wince ducking my head, spooning another mouthful of pancakes, forcing myself to chew, wondering if it might be better if I just choke and end it now.

“What are you grinning about?” Roman asks.

“We’re going house shopping.” Ben says.

Roman glances at me and I shrug. If it wasn’t Ben then Roman would insist on coming anyway. This way I’m not monopolising all his time.

“Have you looked any up?” He asks.

I pull my phone, sliding it across to my brother. I don’t want to admit that I spent half the night unable to sleep, unable to shut the thoughts whirling in my head and looking for somewhere to live felt like the best way of compartmentalising.

“These are nice.” Roman says. “The one by the marina is beautiful.”

I smile like I need his approval but my heart seems to react like I’m a six year old being praised for a shitty piece of art I did at school.

“Might be harder to keep secure though.”

“Yeah.” I reply, staring back at the screen. He’s right. Anyone could sail right up to it. I doubt, despite our wealth, that we can afford an entire navy’s worth of ships to guard me.

Rose gets up, collecting Roman’s plate and piles it up with her own carrying them over to the sink. Technically they have maids, and chefs too, but they seem insistent on keeping themselves grounded. I’m not complaining one bit, I’d much rather it was just us than have a bunch of strangers constantly fussing around the way my father did. Breakfast is always a family meal, cooked by Roman. The rest is more ad hoc. But dinner, they always have the chef cook them dinner unless they go out.

Rose lets out a murmur, running her hand along her back. Her belly is swelling enough now to show she’s pregnant if you know her figure.

Roman is there in an instant, massaging her shoulders, soothing, and her face heats with whatever he says.

I love watching them and I hate it. They’re so happy. They’re so content. They’ve gotten everything they deserve and I know in many ways this pregnancy, though not planned, is like a dream because they can both enjoy the experience together the way they were never able to with Lara.

But watching them, seeing how normal they are, it only reminds me of everything I don’t have. Everything I can’t have.

How can I trust a man? How can I even be near a man inthatway?

Otto’s face seems to stir in my head. I can taste his tongue as he forces it into my mouth, I can smell his sweat as it covers me. Nausea races up and I swallow the vomit because I don’t want anyone else to realise what just happened.

“You okay, Sofia?” Ben murmurs.

“Just a bit of reflux.” I lie. Like that’s it. Like I simply ate too many pancakes.

He glances at my plate, seeing how much is still left there and I think he might say something so I cut across him to make sure he can’t.

“Shall we get ready?” I say brightly.

A micro expression crosses his face and then he gives in and nods.