Page 13 of Reckoning

Roman pours himself and Ben a drink of whiskey and then puts a glass of water in front of me. I murmur my thanks, taking a sip. I haven’t drank a drop of alcohol. Haven’t been tempted too. Not since it all ended.

I don’t like the thought of losing control. I don’t like the thought of what else could be lurking in the glass. Water is safe. Water is clean. It’s hard to hide a drug in it, it’s hard to disguise the taste.

Roman watches me for a moment and I’ll admit, I keep my eyes down, letting him. He’s still the protective older brother, he’s still looking out for me and I know he has my best interests at heart. Besides, after what we all went through, it’s to be expected that he’s jumpy.

“How’s the therapy going?”

I arch an eyebrow. That’s what he wants to talk about? My eyes glance towards Ben. I might lean on him, I might depend on him, but it doesn’t mean I want him privy to my every secret.

Ben looks back with that same look he always has. One of love. Of devotion. One that says he would willingly die if it made me happy for just a moment. I don’t know how to deal with him. How to deal with his feelings. Yes, I know he’s in love with me - I’d be damned stupid not to notice. But I don’t love him, at least not the way he wants or deserves.

“I can go if you want.” He says.

“Why don’t you go see Lara, I’m sure she’s eager to see you.” Roman replies not looking at him. Just keeping his eyes fixed on me.

Ben gets up, taking the bait because that’s what he does, that’s how he is. He’s the nice guy. The good guy. He’d do anything for me, right?

I wince as that thought hits me. God, I’m a bitch. A heartless, nasty bitch.

“Sofia.”

“Roman.” I murmur as the door shuts.

“Talk to me.”

“About what?” I half snap.

He lets out a sigh. “You burnt the house down.”

I get to my feet, crossing the room, staring out the same window he was when we entered. The view is unbelievable. The sweeping garden looks like something out of paradise. I can see Lara running around, with the nanny chasing her, and then Ben as he approaches them both.

God, they really have sorted their lives, haven’t they? Everything is just as it should be for them. I’m not jealous, I’m not bitter. It’s just hard not to feel something akin to grief when I come here, when I see what I could have, what I could be if I wasn’t so fucked in the head. If I could just love Ben, if I could just convince my heart that he was what I wanted, then I could have this too.

This happiness.

This peace.

Only I can’t.

I can’t love him.

And I hate myself for it.

Roman walks up behind me, staring out at the same picture perfect scene.

“Where’s Rose?” I ask.

“Asleep.” He replies.

I nod. Her pregnancy isn’t exactly an easy one. It makes me wonder how on earth they managed to hide her last so well. But then, her parents locked her away, practically chained her to a bed by all accounts until Lara was born.

“Hastings was here.” He says.

“When?” I ask, turning to look at him.

“First thing. He wanted to talk about you.”

I narrow my eyes. “If he wants to talk about me then he should talk to me.” I snap.