Page 120 of Reckoning

“Maybe if my mother had lived, if she didn’t die so young.” I sigh.

Rose winces, ducking her gaze and that makes me pause.

“What is it?” I ask narrowing my eyes.

“It’s not, I shouldn’t be the one to tell you.” She replies quietly.

“Rose?”

She holds her hands up, like she’s surrendering. “Before we handed my mother over to Hastings she told us that she and Darius had your mother killed.”

“What?”

“They were having an affair, my mother and Darius, somehow your mum found out so they silenced her.”

I should feel more than I do at those words. I should feel pain, sorrow, grief even. Maybe it’s because I don’t remember her, maybe it’s because I have no memories whatsoever, but all I feel is numb. So numb.

When I was little, I’d convinced myself that my childhood would have been better, so much better, if my mother hadn’t died. I have no idea if that was actually the case or just some fantasy I’d woven for myself. Maybe she would have been as disappointed in me as my father was. Maybe it’s better she died when she did, better that I could at least pretend one of my parents would have loved me.

“I’m so sorry.” Rose says.

“It’s not your fault.” I reply. “But thank you for telling me.”

“We wanted to tell you sooner but Roman was afraid of how you might react.”

I can’t help the scowl. I know he meant well but once again Roman has treated me like a victim, like someone that needs to be shielded, to be protected.

Rose studies my face for a moment before taking another sip of her tea.

“We should do dinner, the four of us.” She says. “I think it might help Roman come around to the idea of you and Koen being together.”

The idea catches me off guard. “I’m not sure.” I reply. Besides, from the way Koen reacts when I mention my brother’s name, I don’t think he’ll be happy to be in the same room as him right now.

“Okay, well, maybe it can be just us, you and me.” She says smiling gently. “We can meet for coffee and catch up until things calm down.”

Sofia

When Koen comes back, I’m already in bed. I didn’t eat dinner. I didn’t have any appetite. I just took myself off and decided to curl up into a ball and hide.

I feel him sliding into the bed beside me and I’ll admit, I feel so relieved that he’s here.

“How are you doing?” He asks.

“Great. A real ray of sunshine.”

He grunts back, pulling me around so that I’m now laying on him. I’m once more in one of his t-shirts and he, as usual, is wearing nothing. He feels so warm, so hard, so utterly indestructible.

“Where did you go?” I ask.

He narrows his eyes like he’s considering how much to divulge. “I had to see Hastings.”

“About me?”

“About the videos, about everything that’s been going on.”

“He already knows.” I state.

He doesn’t reply beyond stroking my hair, watching my face like he now knows something I don’t.