Page 100 of Reckoning

I want to argue, to snap back that most people don’t experience what I have, that even dogs don’t go through the level of trauma and abuse I’ve endured but my words die when I realise he’s lying down. He’s getting in beside me.

“Is this not what you wanted?” He asks, scanning my face. “Me to make you feel safe?”

I blink, feeling my heart race with an entirely different emotion than fear.

“I was actually just looking for a guard.” I reply with a tease.

His lips curl, he reaches out, tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear and murmurs softly. “I can guard you much better if I’m in your bed.”

I can’t think of anything smart to say back.

I can’t think of anything at all.

My mind seems to fixate on something I really shouldn’t want. I really shouldn’t crave.

So I just lie there, waiting for my sleep to take me and when it does, I don’t dream, I don’t suffer any flashbacks. I see nothing at all.

* * *

I wake,hyper aware that Koen is beside me.

I’ve moved in my sleep, shifted, and now my body is pressed right up into his.

As I try to create distance his arm holds me in place. Apparently he’s spooning me. One arm is under my body and around my waist and the other, it’s on my thigh, with his massive hand gripping me in a way that feels tight but not claustrophobic.

I want to savour this moment. To try to make it last for as long as possible. I turn as much as I can, rolling so that I’m on my back and he’s on his side, staring down at me.

He lifts his hand, the one that was on my thigh, and he strokes my cheek lightly. I bite my lip, trying to hold still, but I’m not afraid. I’m still not panicking.

And then I register what’s been poking into me this entire time. He’s hard. And I’m not talking about his muscles.

“Do you fuck other women?” I ask, though that’s not exactly what I’m trying to get at. It’s just he spends all his time either with me, or with his men. When does he get his ‘needs’ seen to? Or is there someone else in this house, someone I haven’t met because half the rooms are out of bounds. I doubt it’s Tia, though my mind flickers to her, no doubt because she’s the only girl I’ve met. Surely he’s not fucking her?

He tenses and the hand that was touching me stills. “Would it make you jealous if I did?”

Yes. Yes it would.

I know that’s irrational. I know I have no right to ask him not to. We’re not even a couple. We’re not together in any meaningful way, and yet it feels like we have something, like we’re more than just two friends.

Besides, didn’t he allude to that? Didn’t he say as much, the night I came here? God, I feel so confused.

“I don’t want you fucking anyone else.” I state, sounding far more confident, far more brave than I feel. Koen could have anyone he wanted, he practically rules the entire underworld of this city, I feel like I’m pushing it, that any minute he’s going to tell me to get stuffed.

“I see.” He says. “So what, you want me to relieve myself from now on?”

My cheeks flush. I hear the words he’s not saying. That I’m not putting out. That I’m not doing anything to warrant such a request.

“You can use me.” I say though it comes out practically as a whisper.

He groans, running his fingers over my lips. “Is that what you want?” He asks. “Me to use you?” The way he says it sounds so much worse. Like I’m just a thing to fuck, and yet I don’t feel ashamed, I don’t feel disgusted.

I nod. I’d much rather that, no I want that. Besides, it’s not like I’ve not gotten something out of this. He’s made me come countless times while I haven’t even seen his dick once.

He slides two of his fingers into my mouth, pushing them as far back as he can. I loosen my jaw, trying not to gag, being as compliant as I can be.

“Would you swallow my come?” He asks. “If I fill up this dirty little mouth of yours, would you swallow it all down?”

I nod but that only makes me gag more as his fingers hit the back of my throat.