Page 6 of Queen of the Crimson Throne (Queen of Blood and Stardust #2)

6

LENNOX

I pressed myself against the closed door—balling my hands into fists to try and grasp some semblance of control as my magic pushed and pulled painfully against my skin.

In the weeks we’d been apart I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering to what would happen when I saw Luka again.

I had imagined it would be in a large group of people—that I would be able to anticipate the scenario.

I would have my mask of High Queen on. I would be prepared. There would be other people around I could use as distractions.

Never in all my planning did I account for running into him on accident.

Or the impact the sound of his voice would have on me.

Or that seeing him again would steal the breath from my lungs as his eyes pierced into my soul, lighting up at the sight of me.

When I heard his voice—I forgot for a moment everything that had transpired between us.

That he had broken my trust.

That he had shattered my heart.

That I was supposed to marry him.

At that moment he was simply Luka again.

My friend.

My heart clenched. My friend. My lover. My Luka.

But he wasn’t my anything anymore.

He was my betrothed in name only.

“Lennox, please,” Luka pleaded from the other side of the door. Every wall I had attempted to build back up over the last weeks threatened to crumble at those two words.

“Lennox, please. I only want to talk to you. Open the door.”

I was tired. I hadn’t slept well on the trip. I hadn’t slept well in weeks . That’s why my control was threatening to slip so easily. It had nothing to do with the male on the other side of the door.

He was silent, but I could still sense him there. I could smell him. I let myself slide to the floor, clutching my knees to my chest with my back against the door.

“I missed you,” he said finally.

I missed you too.

I listened as he moved, his back thumping against the door as I assumed he sat as I did with his back against the door.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to greet you. You weren’t due to arrive until later this evening. I didn’t want you to arrive here alone. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” My voice was rough in my throat.

“Nothing is okay, Lennox.”

He was right.

“How did everything get so fucked up?” he continued. Even through the door, I knew he was running his hands through his hair the way he did when he was anxious.

“We’re two fucked up people.” I sighed. “We were doomed from the start.” I never should have let him in. I knew it would never end well, but yet I had let him in. I was as much to blame as he was.

“Do you ever think about how we almost had it all?” he asked.

I furrowed my brows. What did he mean, have it all?

“Those last days before I left everything was so good. You and I were happy. We were together. We were surrounded by the people we loved, spending our nights drinking too much wine and laughing until our sides hurt before we fell into bed together.”

I shivered at the memory of the nights we spent together, skin on skin as we discovered one another’s bodies. I hadn’t let myself remember those nights or the ones spent with Kara, Luka, Nico, and Declan.

Those memories were now clouded with the ash of my burning city. A city I left unprotected while I relaxed and enjoyed myself. While I let myself get fucked into oblivion.

“We still had the prophecy and the Vanir to worry about, but we were happy and we had each other. When I had you by my side all of those other things seemed so insignificant. With you and I hand in hand I was confident we could do anything we set our minds to. It was supposed to be you and I, together forever.”

Until the stars turned to dust, we had promised.

I could hear the smile in his voice. A smile a small part of me itched to see.

“And then everything got fucked up.” He sighed. “I know I’m to blame for it, and I’m sorry I lied to you Lennox, and that I broke your trust and—” He swallowed. The words left unsaid hanging thick in the air. I broke your heart.

“ I think about the choices I made every minute of every day. In my waking hours, and in my sleeping hours, I wonder what would have happened if I had told you about the potential of us being married from the start. Maybe it makes me a terrible person, but I don’t regret my decision.” That bastard. I’d?—

“If I could go back I’d do it again. I’d keep that secret from you if it meant I got to spend the time we had together. If I had told you, you never would have looked at me as someone you could love. As someone you could choose to be with. You never would have looked at me as someone you could see a future with. You would have only seen me as a pawn in this game you wanted to win. So I don’t regret what I did. I’d do it a million times over. I’d break your heart and mine over and over if it meant I got to see the way your eyes glow when you’re happy. The ways your smile lights up a room. To hear your laugh. To experience what it feels like to be cared for by Lennox Adair, even if it was only for a short time.”

My anger vanished as quickly as it came. Snuffed out like a candle in the wind by his words.

“I know that makes me selfish, but I’m done caring. I’m selfish when it comes to you, Lennox. I have been from the start. You do things to me?—”

He sighed.

“I’m sorry I broke your trust, but I’d do it again. And I will spend every day making it up to you. That’s what I was doing—that’s why I wasn’t there when you arrived. I was out looking for a witch Scribe with the hopes she could help me find Astria’s spellbook.”

He was still searching for the spellbook? Even after Hecate’s warning? Even though we were set to be married?

“I will keep searching for it day after day until I can find you a way out of marrying me, Lennox. I would love nothing more than to call you my wife, but I know that’s not what you want so I’m finding you a way out.”

A tear slipped down my cheek, the first one to slip loose since the day I made him leave. I quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand. His voice was determined, but there was a hollowness to it—a sadness. I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. If I wasn’t already sitting, I feared my legs would give out from under me. I had known Luka felt strongly for me, but this—I had been so cruel to him by ordering him to leave. But I never expected— this . For him to fight so strongly for my freedom to choose who I married. He had the title of High King in the palm of his hands. A title anyone in Lethenia would be eager to take without a second thought .

But not Luka. Would he throw away this opportunity for me?

“Did you read my letters?”

I swallowed. I hadn’t felt guilty for throwing them in the fire until now. “No. I—I threw them in the fire without reading them.”

“I knew the chances of you reading them was a long shot. But I still had to try, Lennox. You might have stopped thinking about me, but I never stopped thinking about you.”

If he only knew—I couldn’t think about him. If I had let myself think about him?—

“Goodnight Lennox.” His voice was thick with emotion. I listened as he stood and took a couple of steps, but he stopped. “Until the stars turn to dust, Lennox Adair.”

Only once I could no longer hear his footsteps did I let the rest of the tears fall.