Page 54 of Queen of the Crimson Throne (Queen of Blood and Stardust #2)

54

LENNOX

I stared at the space that Luka left empty.

Come and find me when you’re ready to talk.

How had I fucked everything up so quickly?

All this time I had been trying to protect myself from Luka hurting me, while he was trying to protect himself from me.

I let his words echo in my mind as I made my way up to my room.

First Astria and now Luka?—

“Lennox, what are you doing?” My sister’s grip was firm on my arm, her fingers pressing into my skin as she pulled me into her room from the hallway.

“Kara?” My brows furrowed as I looked at my sister. Her eyes were blazing. “What do you mean what am I doing? You’re the one pulling me aggressively into your room with no warning.”

“What are you doing messing around with Luka like that?”

My mouth fell open. “I’m not messing around with Luka!”

She crossed her arms over her chest. “The conversation I overheard makes me think otherwise.”

“You were spying on us? ”

“It’s not like you were in a secluded location. You were in the middle of the hallway.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, making myself a mirror of Kara. “It still doesn’t make it okay.”

“You know what’s not okay?”

I looked at the ground, not wanting to hear her answer, but I knew I’d get it anyway. “Fucking Luka isn’t okay. Tell me you’re not fucking him, Lennox.”

“I’m not fucking him!”

She sighed deeply, giving me a look, my look.

“We only kissed,” I admitted. She didn’t need to know there was more than kissing.

She threw her hands up in the air. “Goddess, Lennox. How could you be so insensitive?”

“Insensitive? How does that make me insensitive?”

She turned from me and paced the room, her hands firmly on her waist. “He would burn the realm to ashes for you if it meant you’d be happy. He’d string himself up if it was what you wanted. And you take advantage of that, Lennox.”

“I am not taking advantage of him!” At least I didn’t think I was. Was that what I was doing?

“You know he would do anything for you and you take advantage of him. You’re playing with his feelings, Lennox.”

“I—” My entire body deflated. Everyone was telling me a different version of the same story.

“He loves you, Lennox. You know that, even if you refuse to admit it. He loves you so much he’s willing to sacrifice his own happiness for you. He’s not someone you fall into bed with Lennox. If you need a good fuck so bad, go find someone in the tavern for all I care. But you can’t fuck Luka if you’re not going to go all in with him.”

“I’m not fucking him!”

“You’re not now, but tell me you haven’t been thinking about it? Especially if you were kissing him.”

“I—” I couldn’t lie to my sister.

Kara’s face softened. “Len, I know you love being independent. That you don’t like to rely on others. I know you think you don’t want him, that you don’t need him. But Lennox—that’s the biggest fucking lie I’ve ever heard. You want him. You’ve been a miserable person the past few months without him. You want him Lennox, whether you want to admit it or not. You and Luka are so intertwined—even you can’t separate yourself from him.”

Was she right? No matter how hard I tried to get Luka out of my life I never could. And I didn’t try very hard to remove him from my life did I? What had Astria said? That I needed to accept that what lay in front of me might be what I wanted all along. And Luka was right earlier, I didn’t want to think about my feelings from last night. The lengths I would go for him—it was fucking terrifying, so I tried to ignore it. I tried to ignore the hollow ache in my chest that formed when we were apart, the fear that took over my body when he was taken, and the spark he brought back into my life.

“Len, have you ever considered he might be your mate?”

I froze, slowly turning toward my sister. “You’re not serious? Luka is not my mate. There’s no way. That’s insane. He’s not my mate.”

I would know if Luka was my mate. I would have known the first day I saw him. Or I would have had some inkling since. That’s what all the stories about people finding their mates say.

“Is it that far out of the realm of possibility? Think about it, Lennox. You both have had this pull towards one another since the first day you met. You can’t resist each other. You tried to stay away from each other, but you can’t.”

“Maybe we can’t stay away from one another, but that doesn’t make us mates, Kara. We’re fated together for something else—that’s what Hecate and Astria implied. Not that we’re mates.”

“Maybe you are mates, but they could never tell you. Maybe that’s the future they keep hinting at. ”

“No,” I grit out. “Stop trying to make the future what you want it to be. You’re trying to put thoughts into my mind.”

“You need to stop resisting Lennox!”

“I’m not resisting! I’m being rational! Astria’s tits Kara, you’re infuriating.”

“I’m the infuriating one? Lennox, you’re the definition of infuriating.” She let out a hollow laugh. “You know what Lennox? I’m tired of keeping my thoughts to myself. I think you love him. I think you love him and that terrifies you because that means he can hurt you. Do you know how tiring it is to watch you and Luka resist each other over and over again? Especially since we witnessed for a short period of time what it was like when you were together? You two were magnetic Lennox. I‘ve never seen anything like it. The way you lit up around him—you still do sometimes. I never thought I’d get to see you happy again after Mom, Dad, and Nol died, but I did, and Lennox?—”

Tears welled in her eyes. “Seeing you happy again made all the pain and heartache of the past three years worth it. Everything you put yourself through had a purpose—that you would meet Luka.” She wiped away a tear that fell from her eye.

“You need to decide Lennox. You either need to leave Luka for good, or be with him.”

“I can’t leave him, Kara. We’re getting married,” I said softly.

“So either be clear with him and set expectations that nothing can happen between you two or tell him you love him and be with him.”

“It’s not that easy, Kara.”

“But isn’t it?” she said exasperated.

“Goddess, Lennox, you‘re so stubborn.” She stood and headed towards the door.

“I’ll give you some time to think. But you need to make a decision, Lennox. You’re getting married at the week’s end.”

“You think I don’t know that,” I said softly.

“Don’t be mad at me, you got yourself into this mess, Len. ”

My sister was so much like my mother. I know she’d be telling me the same thing. I know she’d be disappointed in my decisions too—the way I had handled things with Luka. But it wasn’t that simple. I was tied to Luka for the rest of my life. Everyone else made it seem like this was such an easy decision to make.

But what if I let myself fall back into him? We were getting married. If everything fell apart, there would be no escaping him. I’d have to continue to stand by his side for the rest of our lives. But could I live with the opposite? Could I stand next to Luka, pretending not to care about him, pretending I didn’t want to let myself fall into him for the rest of our lives? I didn’t know if I could live with that pain.

The way I looked at it, both options could end in pain. Why wasn’t there an outcome that wouldn’t leave me heartbroken?

Luka all but avoided me for the next several days. We trained but hardly spoke. He left right as we finished, leaving the palace shortly after and not returning until late. I wanted to talk to him—I tried to work up the courage to talk to him, but I lost the nerve every time and before I knew it he was gone. What would I say to him anyway? I still had no idea where I stood—where we stood. Part of me hoped when I finally did talk to him I would know what to say—that I would know what to do. But the opportunity never presented itself.

We are getting married tomorrow.

Tonight there was to be a dinner with all of the monarchs that had arrived for the wedding along with several other important families.

Arlo and Lorenzo would be there, along with Caterina and Endora. The kings from the Aquatic Court, Alon and Ceto, arrived yesterday, as did the prince and princess from the Twilight Court. Nico’s sister was due to arrive tomorrow morning as a representative from the Lunar Court. There would be a representative from every court except the Court of Embers, which was a surprise to no one. They hadn’t left their court in centuries.

My gown had a fitted corset, with sleeves that fell off my shoulders. The dark green fabric, the color of a deep forest, had an iridescent glow to it—like the fabric itself sparkled.

A crown far more extravagant than I typically preferred rested on my head. My hair was pinned up intricately—the pins Gulia had used already poking into my head. When Kara did my hair she was careful to make sure none of the pins poked me.

But Kara and I had yet to talk to each other since our fight.

It had been a lonely few days left alone with my thoughts.

Luka and I were sitting on opposite ends of the table—what felt like a million miles away. All the people I would have liked to have next to me to keep me company were seated away from me, scattered around the table. I would need to make sure I had a hand in creating the seating chart next time. This one felt like a cosmic joke.

The kings from the Aquatic Court were seated on either side of me. Ceto sat to my left, his dark hair was braided in many small braids, each one banded with gold and silver clasps on the end that complimented his dark skin. His large frame made the chair he occupied look small. His husband, Alon sat on my other side, the complete opposite of his partner with his lighter skin and smaller frame.

I didn’t mind conversing with the kings, I would need to make a point to visit the Aquatic Court, but political conversations were the last thing on my mind. While I talked with the kings I couldn’t help but let my gaze travel towards Luka. He looked so happy—so content at the opposite end of the table as he conversed with Caterina and Endora. He didn’t appear to be bothered by our lack of communication over the last several days, oblivious to the turmoil happening in my mind .

As the servants cleared the last of the plates, Arlo stood, glass in hand. I hadn’t had a chance yet to talk with Arlo and Lorenzo, and I didn’t know if Luka had either. But his presence in my home set me on edge.

“Thank you all for coming tonight. We are all so excited to celebrate the marriage of my nephew Luka, and our esteemed High Queen Lennox.” He looked around the table, giving me a lingering look, causing my back to straighten in my chair. “Our intention with this union is to help unite our continent, especially the relationship with the Blood Court and the rest of Lethenia.” Somber murmurs broke out around the table, and Arlo quickly continued, “We have already seen the impact of this union—the Blood Court and the Star Court have never been closer.”

I forced a smile onto my face. If only he knew Luka and I hadn’t talked in days and we were trying to figure out his involvement with my parents’ murders.

Arlo raised his glass. “To Lennox and Luka."

“To Lennox and Luka,” everyone echoed.

Arlo’s toast marked the end of dinner. I placed my glass on the table before standing and making my way to Kara and Luce.

“Hey.” I turned at the sound of Luka’s voice. I don’t know how he had gotten across the room so quickly.

He took another step closer to me, gently placing his hand on my back. “Is this okay?”

I nodded. “How are you doing?”

“Okay.”

“You made it through the dinner, that’s one less thing to worry about.”

“You’re right. If only we could just skip past tomorrow.”

“That would be nice wouldn’t it.”

We both took another sip from our drinks as we looked around the room at the people chatting. We were the couple they were all supposed to be celebrating today, but they all seemed unconcerned about engaging in conversations with the two of us.

Fine by me.

“You’ve certainly kept yourself busy this week.”

A muscle ticked in his jaw. “There were lots of tasks that needed my attention. I think you’re familiar with that.”

“It’s a big palace, which made ignoring me pretty easy.” It was a cheap shot, but I needed it. I needed to let it out or I’d keep holding it in. And holding in my emotions never ended well.

“I wasn’t trying to ignore you, Lennox.”

I shrugged, turning my attention back to the party.

“I told you I needed time. I’ve been gracious in giving you all the time you need, can’t you have the decency of giving me the time I need?” That was the thing about Luka, if I took a shot at him he’d shoot right back if need be.

“You’re right, I—I missed you this week,” I admitted.

He smiled slightly. “You did?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t let it get to your head too quickly.”

He shook his head, causing a lock of dark hair to fall across his face. My fingers itched to brush it away.

“I missed you too,” he admitted softly.

“I’m sorry for how I acted.” I let the words slip out before I lost my nerve. But I needed to say them before we were married. Before we were bound together. “You deserve more than my anger,” I continued. “And you were right—I was using you as a distraction without realizing it.”

“I think you do a lot of things without realizing it.”

“Luka, I?—”

“There’s my favorite couple!” Caterina interrupted. Her arms were spread wide, inviting us both in for a hug. I wrapped my arms around Caterina, watching Luka embrace Endora from over my aunt’s shoulder. Caterina let me go and braced her hands on my shoulders. “How are you feeling dear? ”

My eyes glanced toward Luka who was engaged in conversation with Endora. “I’m okay.” She gave me a small smile.

“I know this isn’t what you ever wanted or planned, but I’m proud of you Lennox. You stepped into the role of High Queen so beautifully. I mean look at how you handled this situation. We are lucky to have you as our High Queen.”

“Thank you.” Her words landed peacefully on my soul, continuing to soothe the ache that had taken place since the crown was placed on my head.

“Luka is a good male, I have confidence he will treat you well, despite the circumstances that brought you here.”

“I know.” My gaze slid towards Luka again.

“Your parents would be so proud of you.” I sucked in a breath. “You know they’re watching you.” I blinked back the tears in my eyes.

“I love you.”

“Oh, my dear.” Caterina pinched her lips together and pulled me in for another hug. “I love you too. Until the stars turn to dust my sweet Lennox.”