Page 32 of Queen of the Crimson Throne (Queen of Blood and Stardust #2)

32

LENNOX

I gripped Nico’s arm with an iron grasp. Fearing if I let go I might sink to the ground as Luka’s words swam in my mind.

I felt like I had drank too much wine—my mind was foggy, nothing was making sense, although I‘d only had one glass.

“What did Luka say to freak you out now?” Nico continued to lead me through the garden. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but?—”

“I— he—I don’t know.” Tears prickled at the edges of my vision.

Nico led me to a bench and I sat, immediately putting my face in my hands as I tried to process what happened.

“I think he loves me,” I said finally.

“No shit.”

I whipped my head up to look at him, but his expression remained neutral. “What? Are you telling me you’re only figuring this out now? I could tell he was falling in love with you the first day I arrived in Alethens. He has it bad for you, Lennox.”

I wasn’t just figuring it out. He had tried to tell me he loved me that last day in Alethens, but I hadn’t wanted to believe it. I had hoped it was something he tried to say in the heat of the moment.

“We can’t be together.” The words felt rough in my throat.

“Why not?”

“It—it’s too complicated.”

“I think the two of you getting married would solve a myriad of our problems.”

I put my head back in my hands. “Since when are you so reasonable?”

He sighed. “What did he say that made you want to run for the hills this time?”

“He said he’d wait for me. That I am it for him. That I can take other lovers if I want to, but he never will.” The idea was baffling. He would sit by and watch me fall in love with someone else if that’s what I truly wanted. Who did something like that? Not that I had been able to bed anyone else since he left. And I tried. I had sat in taverns flirting but when it came time to leave I never could.

I had never dwelled too much on it, but was it because of Luka? I had considered maybe I wasn’t ready to move on, but…

“Lennox?” My sister’s voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked over to find her emerging from deeper into the garden with Declan by her side.

I narrowed my eyes at Declan as he removed his hand from my sister’s back.

“Are you okay?” Kara asked.

Yes. No. I don’t know.

“Luka said something that made her spiral.” I gave Nico a seething look as he stood. “She’s done talking to me. Kara, why don’t you take over?”

I shook my head, how pathetic was I? Nico and Kara taking shifts to help me sort through my feelings. To figure out my impossible situation.

“I don’t know if she wants to talk to me?—”

I fixed my gaze back on the ground in front of me. “Of course she does,” Nico said. “I’ll leave you two to it.” I didn’t dare look at my sister.

I listened to the sounds of feet walking farther and farther away and one pair moving closer until Kara sat next to me. Approaching me like a scared animal who might bolt if you made a sudden movement.

“What’s going on, Len?” My sister placed her hand lightly on my shoulder. “You haven’t talked to me since—” she trailed off. Since those first days after I made Luka leave. Even then I had only given her the briefest details. Unable to speak without pain ripping through my chest. Before I shut it all out. Refused to talk to her.

To talk to anyone.

“If you’d rather talk to Nico I can get him back.” She moved to stand, but I pulled her back with a hand on her arm.

“I didn’t mean to talk to Nico and shut you out.” The only reason I had shut her out in the first place was because I knew she was the only person who could talk sense back into me. I didn’t want that those first weeks. But the longer I shut her out the harder it was to let her back in. Especially after she became upset with me.

“Nico came to me the night I first got here and he knew Luka’s side of the story and it made it easier to talk. He already knew things. With you—Kara you know me too well.” She saw right through my arguments. Poked holes in my defenses because she knew me, knew my weaknesses. She and Luka are the people who know me best. Goddess, I hoped those two never teamed up against me. I would be defenseless.

“I understand. I’m not mad, only hurt you feel like you can’t talk to me.”

“It’s not that I can’t talk to you. I—I don’t think I’m ready to hear what you’re going to say.”

Kara let out a light laugh .

“I’ve made some choices when it comes to Luka that I’m not proud of. I made them selfishly—to protect myself.” My chest felt heavy as I remembered the day in the training center. I never wanted to feel like that again.

“After the explosion and Lorenzo telling me Luka and I were going to be married, I was so upset Luka had kept his involvement from me, but I understood why he didn’t tell me. I reacted stronger than I should have, but the way I felt when I learned he had kept it from me—it hurt. It hurt so fucking bad so I wanted to make him hurt so he would leave me. But it didn’t work.” I let out a deep sigh as my sister placed her hand on my back and began rubbing soothing circles like our mother used to.

“He tried to tell me he loved me and I was so afraid of those feelings I commanded him to leave while I held my dagger to his throat.” I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Len.”

A sob caught in my throat at the memory. “I hurt him so badly that day and he continues to care for me. To want the best for me.”

“Kara,” I all but sobbed, “I don’t deserve the way he treats me. He sees a side of me I don’t think exists outside his eyes.”

Her hand on my back stilled. “Lennox, that’s not true. You’re so hard on yourself. Luka isn’t the only person who sees you that way. I know I do. I know Luce does. I’m sure Nico and Declan do. We all love the messed up person you are because that’s what makes you you.” She put her arm around me and pulled me to her side, I let my head rest in the crook of her neck.

“How do I make him stop loving me?” The words speared my chest in half as they came from my lips in a whisper.

“Oh, Len.” The tears were coming hot and fast now. I couldn’t stop them from falling.

“You can’t. I watched him fall in love with you. Once he started there wasn’t any stopping him. You tried to push him away but you weren’t able to, I doubt you can reverse it now.” She squeezed me tighter. “I just—I wish you would let yourself be happy. That you would stop resisting all of this.”

“Kara— “

“I know, I know why you do. I—I love you so much, I hate seeing you torn up like this because you don’t want to get hurt or hurt anyone else.”

“It’s not only that. I let the ball drop. People died because I was too preoccupied with Luka.”

“You could have never predicted that attack, Lennox. Even if Luka had left, there was still nothing you could have done. Declan wasn’t preoccupied and he didn’t anticipate it either. And you know Declan. He’s on top of everything all the time.”

“I don’t know what to do. Tell me what I should do.” I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand.

“I can’t, Len. This is up to you.”

I sighed. “I can’t go back in there.” Not only was I sure I looked like a mess, but I couldn’t face Luka again. Not right now.

She rubbed circles on my back again. “I’ll cover for you. You go.”

I wiped the remaining tears from my eyes. “Tell Luka—” What should she tell Luka? I’m sorry? The words seemed insignificant after everything he had confessed to me.

“I’ll handle it. You go.”

“Can you get Declan? He knows all the backways. I don’t want to be seen.”

“Give me a second.”

She returned a minute later, Declan in tow.

“You ready?” I nodded despite the hollow aching in my chest.

We were almost to my room when I stopped Declan with a hand on his arm. “How was Luka? Is he okay?”

Something flashed across his features, and his wings twitched. “He will be. He was agonizing over everything he told you. He’s afraid he scared you off. ”

A rough laugh slipped from my lips. “I don’t know if scared is the right word. He shouldn’t regret what he said. I needed to hear it, but I need some time to process.” I looked at the harpy. “Can you tell him that?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.”