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She should have forced her father to attend an ice hockey game with her and Lucy sooner, because it was almost like back then.

Maddie had been afraid that the game would remind her dad too much of their mother, but she’d been wrong. He even smiled several times. He cheered when the goals were scored as if he had forgotten for a moment that he was sad.

He had to get out more. Sometimes it didn’t help to just focus on the pain in the name of working through it. Sometimes you had to distract yourself. She realized Rachel, the psychologist, might have disagreed…but for today, Maddie didn’t care.

She could have relaxed completely and continued being as happy as she had been for the last few days if Lucy hadn’t been giving her pensive and even occasionally miffed looks.

Every time Maddie raised her eyebrows in question, though, her sister merely shook her head silently.

Maddie didn’t feel like explicitly asking what her problem was, especially not when her father was happy for the first time in what felt like years.

After the second period, she offered to get another round of drinks.

Dax and Matt were playing well together today and the Hawks were leading two to one.

Maybe the two of them had made up. They were patting each other on the back pretty often, even by sports standards, and even grinning stupidly at each other.

Maddie fought her way through the narrow rows of seats to the paved walkway to the food stalls. Matt had offered her the VIP lounge, but that wouldn’t have been the same family experience they’d had as children. She turned a corner and was surprised to see Lucy following her.

“Did you change your mind about wanting a drink?” she asked, confused, and opened the door to the main corridor. As soon as it shut behind them, the noise of the crowd was muffled.

Lucy didn’t respond to her question, but instead asked, “How did you convince him? I mean Dad. To come with you. How did you manage that?”

She raised one corner of her mouth. “I had…a confrontation with him.”

Lucy raised her eyebrows, impressed. “Really? But hey, you’ve always been good with Dad.”

She was right about that. Yet someone had to do it, and Rachel and Lucy had always avoided the situation.

“He seems pretty happy, doesn’t he?” she asked hesitantly.

Lucy nodded.

“Maybe we could make this a habit? A monthly get-together at the arena. But I know you practically live here, so maybe we could do something else…”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were dating Matt, Maddie?” Lucy interrupted sharply.

She stopped, perplexed. “How did you know?”

“Not from you! So? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Nervously, she wrung her hands. “I don’t know. Because it’s still…new.” And it was so wonderful that she was afraid it would crumble through her fingers if she made one wrong move.

“You told Rachel,” Lucy said reproachfully.

Ah, that’s where Lucy had heard it. Maddie swallowed. “I wanted to tell her something personal, so it would open the door to sharing private things.”

“But why didn’t you want to share it with me ? Sorry, I don’t want to sound whiny, but…I don’t understand.”

She sighed. Yes, now that she thought about it, it was a legitimate question. “You would have made a big deal out of it,” Maddie finally murmured. “Rachel doesn’t know Matt. She was just happy.”

“It is a big deal!” Lucy shouted, throwing her arms in the air as if Dax had just scored another goal.

Maddie smiled warily. “Maybe.”

“Not just maybe !”

“No.” She bit her lower lip. “You’re right. It’s a big deal.”

“Exactly. And why didn’t you confide in me? I would have been happy for you, too! Maddie, I really would like to be there for you in good times and bad. But you have to talk to me.”

Maddie shrugged. Yes, she knew that Lucy wanted that. She didn’t know why it had become so difficult. They had always shared everything before!

Maybe that was exactly it, though. When her mother had died, Maddie had taken responsibility for everything. From that point on, it had simply become easier to talk less, to share neither the bad nor the good.

“Lucy,” she responded softly, actively trying to keep her voice from shaking. She was about to say something that would alter everything. What she was going to say could make everything terrible or wonderful. There had been a hell of a lot of moments like this in the last few weeks.

She swallowed and took a deep breath, forcing herself to keep speaking. “Lucy, I’m sorry. At times, I’m afraid that if I start talking to you about how I’m doing, what I’m happy about, and what I’m not happy about…I’ll explode.”

Lucy opened her mouth in surprise. “What?”

She forced a smile and wished that Matt were here standing behind her, putting a calming hand on her back to let her know he was there.

Letting her know it was okay to say what she wanted to say, even if it would hurt others.

In place of the real thing, Maddie visualized it.

She saw him kissing her neck and whispering in her ear that she could put her needs first for once…

“It’s not your fault,” she said quietly and lowered her gaze.

“Nor is it Rachel’s fault. But the last few years have been exhausting for me.

I feel like I’ve lived more of Dad’s life than my own.

I’ve been keeping a lot of disappointment, anger, and stress inside for far too long.

I didn’t want to burden you with it. I love you and want you to be happy.

Actually, if I’m honest, the last few years have been too much.

At times, I felt like I was Dad’s only daughter.

And I think I’m afraid that once I start telling you what’s been going on in my life lately…

I won’t be able to stop. It’ll all come out and then I'll blame you for dumping so much work on me. I’m afraid I’ll yell at you because it’s all on my shoulders: I have to make sure Rachel gets in touch, that we all see each other, and that Dad doesn’t starve while you… live your life.”

She said the last words softly because she was afraid they would cut the hardest. And the louder she spoke, the deeper they would pierce Lucy’s heart. The more the words would hurt her, or make her angry – or both.

She expected her sister to defend herself, to list all the days she had also taken care of her father, to list all the things she’d sacrificed. Lucy, however, remained silent, and when another silent minute passed, Maddie finally glanced up cautiously.

Surprised, she noticed tears in Lucy’s eyes. Big, glistening tears dripping down to her trembling lips.

“But you should blame me, Maddie,” she whispered.

“Blame me. Blame us . You know I knew it was probably too much for you. But you never said anything. So I told myself it was okay. I knew I was lying to myself, though. I took the easy way out.” She swallowed audibly.

“I…it was so painful to visit Dad in that terrible state for so long that, after a while, I just didn’t.

And that was awful of me. Because you couldn’t stop.

Then again, you were so good at taking care of him.

You took care of everything! I just thought: Hey, she’ll do it.

She’ll say something when it gets to be too much.

” Frantically, Lucy wiped the tears from her cheeks.

“But I know you! I know how much you hate telling a waiter that he messed up your order.”

“Hey,” Maddie murmured, reaching over to wipe the tears from her sister’s cheeks with her thumb. “It’s not your fault that you didn’t know. A…wise person once told me that we can’t expect others to read our minds. That we have to be honest and fight for ourselves.”

Lucy hiccupped. “But I could have asked more often. Volunteered more often.”

“And I could have said: Help me, for God’s sake!” Maddie replied with a shaky smile, her own eyes burning as if someone was holding a match to them. “It’s just that I hate complaining. I thought that if I didn’t say it, then it wasn’t real. Then everything would be…better.”

“Maddie, life isn’t better if you complain less.

Just lonelier. When I’m feeling bad, you take care of me.

And when you’re feeling bad…I’d like to return the favor.

I know you don’t want to burden me, but it bothers me that you don’t talk to me about your feelings or problems!

It bothers me that you avoid difficult topics and don’t argue with me.

That you don’t even blame me when I deserve it. ”

“You sound like Matt.” She sniffed and wiped her nose with her sleeve.

“Well, then the man is a lot smarter than I gave him credit for.” Lucy hiccupped again, then wrapped both arms tightly around Maddie and pulled her close.

“I know the last few years have been hard for all of us. But we’re still a family, even without Mom.

And I know that not everything can be the same as it used to be.

But if all we have is each other, shouldn’t we hold on tighter?

” She squeezed Maddie’s shoulders even tighter.

“I’m not as good as you at taking care of others.

But I honestly want to try. And, I say it far too rarely, but, Maddie, you are wonderful through and through.

The strongest of the three of us. But that doesn’t mean we can dump everything on you.

I know that. You just always made it look so easy.

I should have known that was bullshit. But can you just ask when you need help?

When you’re unhappy? When you’re angry with me? ”

Maddie merely nodded. She was unable to speak because her tears were choking every word…and wasn’t it strange that some arguments didn’t feel like arguments at all, but more like reconciliations?

The Hawks were winning five to three. Her father was so enthusiastic about that Matt Payne that Maddie was tempted to say, He’s mine , Dad .

It felt too soon, though. Besides, she wanted to keep Matt to herself for a while longer, to stay with him in the happy cocoon they had barely left in the last week.

So, she made up some excuse for why Lucy had to take her father home and not she herself just so she could intercept Matt at the players’ exit.

Thank God her father naively believed that Sunday was always her cleaning day and a dirty bathroom awaited her.

She grinned at the thought. She would have to tell Matt that she’d equated him with a dirty tile floor. He would be proud of her because she’d used the excuse to get what she wanted. He always insisted on that.

God, she missed him. It was silly; he had held her in his arms just a few hours ago, but it seemed to her as if she hadn’t seen him in ages.

The players were taking their time today, probably because they wanted to avoid the crowds of fans that sometimes waited for them in the underground parking garage.

Today, there were a few men and women in jerseys and… She froze.

“Clemens?” she exclaimed.

It couldn’t be. She must be hallucinating.

She rubbed her eyes, but no, there he was.

He wasn’t wearing a jersey but a dark coat and a broad, winning smile.

It was the smile she had fallen in love with back then, the smile she’d dreamed of and longed for – for years.

It was the smile that now only gave her goosebumps, and not the good kind.

Her mouth went dry and she had the strange feeling of standing in front of her past. It was a past that no longer interested her, that was dusty and blurry at the edges. The present was so much more beautiful and the future so promising. Anyway, her neck ached from looking back so often.

In recent years, every time she saw Clemens, her heart had beaten wildly and she had blushed.

But now? Her heartbeat was calm and the blood was still flowing in an orderly fashion through her body.

There was only a slight twinge in her head.

It was the memory of how awful she had felt, how stupid and naive she had been back then.

“Maddie! It’s so good to see you,” he greeted her exuberantly as he approached and pulled her into a tight hug.

Maddie was too surprised to fight back. She stood there stiffly, his arms at her sides while he patted her back as if she were his best friend.

“What…what are you doing here?” she asked, perplexed.

“Well, you said you didn’t have time because you were going to a hockey game, so I thought I’d see a game!”

“You…what?”

“Yeah. I wanted to make sure you were okay. You’ve never brushed me off before and I thought maybe something had happened?”

Perplexed, she stood there in his arms, thinking about his confusing words — then she heard someone clearing their throat. Or was it a growl?