Page 5

CHAPTER 4

WHATEVER THEY STARTED TONIGHT

CHUCK

He’d done it.

A sense of ease filled him, relaxing muscles he hadn’t even realized were tensed like he was bracing for impact. He’d come out to his friends and everything was fine. Everything was good and normal, and yet everything had changed. There was no longer any reason to hold back any of those parts of himself he hadn’t necessarily hid, but the ones he’d always kept small. Kept out of direct eyesight.

He’d told them and life was going on.

Across the table, he caught Rebecca grinning at him with a knowing twinkle in her eyes.

“What?” he asked.

Her grin widened. “I guessed, you know.”

“That I was gay?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, I didn’t know , and I would never assume, but I wondered.”

Darius turned to his wife. “Seriously? How?”

Her gaze sharpened as she looked him up and down. “There was just something.”

“I had no idea,” Tommy chimed in, and there was something about the way his friend was watching him that made Chuck shift in his seat.

“My queer friends have told me that I’m pretty good at hiding.”

David’s surprised face came into view. “You have queer friends?”

Chuck nodded. He hadn’t even thought about that. How coming out to this group meant there was no reason to keep his life separated. There was no reason to hide, not anymore.

Rebecca clapped her hands together. “When do we get to meet them?”

“Whenever. They’re around. They want to meet you guys, too.”

“So,” David said, leaning forward on his elbows, waggling those thick brows at the group. “Back to the business of setting up Chuck. Any good gay bars around here?”

Chuck groaned, but he was smiling. He couldn’t help it. And twenty minutes later when David and Tommy agreed the group was due for a night out that weekend, he didn’t even protest.

Everyone started to pack up, since most of them worked early the next morning. Each hug was accompanied by words of support and encouragement, and with every embrace Chuck felt a little closer to breaking down in tears. Not bad tears, but tears of relief, and tears because all of this had been really fucking overwhelming.

Rebecca left him with a kiss on the cheek, and then Tommy was standing there in front of him, hands shoved in the pockets of the slacks that fit snug around his thick thighs. There was something about the look on his face that had Chuck’s senses prickling, like maybe he needed to build up some of his defenses again.

He tried not to panic, tried to keep his voice level. “We good, T?”

The look Tommy gave him made his insides melt. Tommy was a kind man, but it was rare to see his face soften so completely, to see the teasing and humor replaced with unguarded sincerity.

He didn’t know what to call the expression on his friend’s face, but he did know that his worries slipped away. The man who looked at him saw him, understood him, and still cared. That was crystal fucking clear.

Tommy reached out, tugging Chuck toward him and wrapping his arms tightly around him in a crushing hug. He let his head drop down to the spot where Tommy’s neck met his shoulder, taking a deep breath.

Chuck was taller, yeah, but there was a bulk to Tommy that made Chuck feel like he was the smaller one, the one being held and cradled against Tommy’s hard chest.

Tommy’s cologne surrounded him, the scent perfect in its familiarity. The hug lasted longer than Chuck was expecting, but eventually Tommy let him go and stepped back. Chuck’s skin ached, missing the pressure of Tommy’s body pressed against him.

Tommy’s mouth slid up into a grin. “So, dudes, huh?”

Laughter bubbled up from Chuck’s chest, and a surge of emotion had his eyes burning.

He nodded.

“For what it’s worth,” Tommy said quietly. “I’m here for you. Whatever comes up, whenever you need to talk, I’ll be here. I know that I probably won’t always get it, but I want to try.”

“Thanks, T.” Chuck stepped back, needing a little bit of space as the weight of the evening caught up with him. He needed to go home, gather the cats, and snuggle up on the couch.

Tommy must have sensed that Chuck was ready to go, because he gave him a smile and a wave, leaving him with a “Later, Chuck,” before turning away.

* * *

Chuck regretted agreeing to this.

But on the rare occasion when David and Tommy agreed on something, standing in their way was absolutely futile.

The Pride Tide was Chuck’s favorite of the local gay bars—the neon lights on the crowded, loud dance floor, frequent drag shows, and a sense of belonging settled over him every time he walked through the door. It was everything Chuck had needed during his years in the closet.

Chuck had pulled one of his nicer silk shirts from his closet—he knew the sky-blue made his eyes look good. The shirt with cut off denim shorts that hit mid-thigh and his old canvas Chuck Taylors were a pretty typical fit for him when he was going out. He’d painted his nails a deep blue-purple.

Maggie was working that night and Keaton had a case he was prepping for, so it was just David and Sage, Rebecca and Darius, and Tommy who were there with him. Chuck led them all through the high tables that crowded the bar area toward the big circle booth where Wade and Miguel were waiting for them.

Wade looked hot as hell in a tight black t-shirt that left his tattooed arms on display, and Miguel was dressed for a night out in a slinky silk dress with thin straps and what looked like gold glitter dusted across their collarbones and cheeks.

He turned to begin introductions and came face to face with Tommy’s open-mouthed expression of shock and awe. Confused, Chuck followed his gaze to Wade.

“Holy fuck,” Tommy said, still staring. “Holy fucking shit balls.”

Behind him, Chuck heard Wade mutter, “Well, this hasn’t happened for a while.”

“Uh,” Chuck started, glancing between the two men—Tommy still staring and Wade looking a little pink in the cheeks. “Do you guys know each other?”

“That’s Wade Johnson. Wade fucking Johnson.” Tommy looked around at all of them like they were the ones missing something obvious. “Forward for the Minnesota Wild? 90 points a season?”

“Minnesota Wild?” Darius asked, scratching at his shaved head. “Isn’t that hockey?”

“Yes!” Tommy extended a hand to Wade. “I’m Tommy. It’s a real pleasure to meet you, man. I was a huge fan.”

Wade returned the handshake. “Nice to meet you,” he said, low voice rumbling. “Can’t say I meet many hockey fans down here.”

“Wait, so were you a big deal kind of pro hockey player?” Miguel was looking over at Wade. “All you said was ‘I used to play pro hockey’ in your grumbly voice.”

Wade sighed. “I did used to play pro hockey,” he muttered, like that explained it all.

“And you were a first round draft pick and one of the top scorers in the league,” Tommy added. “I still have one of your jerseys.”

At that Wade broke into a small smile. “Seriously?”

Tommy nodded. “Seriously.”

Chuck clapped his hands together. “So now that everyone has met Wade, who is actually a hockey celebrity in hiding,” he said loudly, “everyone, this is Miguel, who uses they/them pronouns.”

He watched his friends’ faces closely for a reaction, but they all just nodded in affirmation. The rest of the introductions went quickly, and then they were all sitting around the booth with drinks in their hands.

It was sweet, really, that everyone wanted to come out to support him. It was a little bit awkward, and he couldn’t totally shake the feeling that everyone was watching him, trying to suss out who exactly Chuck the gay man was.

Rebecca and Darius were the first ones who went to the dance floor, followed closely by Miguel, who dragged Chuck along with them.

House remixes of 80’s pop songs played loudly, and brightly colored lights cut through the darkness, sweeping across the dancing bodies. Chuck quickly fell into the music, sinking down into his hips as his body found the heavy beat.

Chuck was alone for all of three seconds before he felt the unmistakable heat of a body behind him. He glanced back, finding a big bear with an exposed chest and the kind of bulky muscles that most men couldn’t attain without steroids.

Chuck let himself lean back into the unfamiliar body, lost himself in the man’s musk and the ghost of his hairy arms as they wrapped around Chuck.

But there was still a little prickle of self-consciousness. His friends were here, his other friends. What if they were watching him?

He took a moment to glance around, catching flashes of recognizable faces when the lights swept over the dance floor.

Rebecca and Darius, tangled up like two people who couldn’t help but touch each other. David and Sage in a similar position. Miguel standing at the bar in an animated conversation with a platinum blonde twink. And there, at the table in the corner, Wade and Tommy were locked in conversation.

Something turned in Chuck’s stomach as he watched Tommy staring wide-eyed at Wade, obviously hanging onto the man’s every word.

He forced his eyes shut, willing himself to focus on the man behind him. Throwing himself into the moment, being there and present and, finally, all of himself.

When the man asked if he could buy Chuck a drink, he agreed. It was easy to thread their fingers together as they wound their way through the crowd.

He introduced himself as Gavin, his hand lingering on Chuck’s lower back as he bought him a local lager and ordered a vodka soda for himself. They flirted, an easy exchange of questions while they very obviously checked each other out. Chuck liked his thick beard and the chest hair peeking from beneath the v-neck of his shirt. He could already imagine how Gavin’s soft belly would feel pressed against his back as he fucked him.

He could go either way, but tonight he needed to be fucked.

“You got any other plans tonight?” Gavin asked as his gaze lingered on Chuck’s mouth.

Chuck shrugged, feeling the heat of the beer rise to his cheeks. “I’m here with friends now and I don’t want to bail on them. Are you okay hanging for a bit then we could get out of here later?”

Gavin grinned, revealing a crooked front tooth that Chuck found endearing. “Works for me.”

They arrived back at the table just as David and Sage returned from the dance floor. Chuck made quick introductions, relieved when his friends shook hands with Gavin and didn’t make a big deal of it.

If Tommy’s smile wasn’t quite as warm as the others when he shook Gavin’s hand, Chuck pretended not to notice. It was probably just the beer and his head fucking with him.

As David asked Gavin about what he did for a living, Chuck found himself watching Tommy rather than keeping up with the conversation.

Tommy’s face was carefully blank as he looked at Gavin, but every once in a while a frown would slip through. Maybe there was something about Gavin that Tommy didn’t like, and that thought distracted him from the hope and optimism he’d been feeling as he danced with the man earlier.

Chuck didn’t know if he could be with a man who Tommy didn’t like.

“Are you ready to get out of here?”

Chuck flinched at the touch on his arm, glancing up in time to see Gavin’s expression shift to concern. He had no idea how much time had passed, he’d been so completely lost in his thoughts.

“Is everything alright?” Gavin asked.

“Yeah,” Chuck said, standing up and grabbing ahold of Gavin’s offered hand. He didn’t need to be thinking about Tommy, not when he planned to go home with a handsome man who actually wanted him. “All good. Just got lost in my head for a minute.”

Gavin’s smile was understanding. “Happens to me all the time.”

Chuck returned the smile, and looked back at his friends. “We’re going to get out of here,” he said, careful to not look at Tommy. “Thanks for coming out tonight. It really does mean a lot.”

Wade gave him a thumbs up and a wink, while David waggled his brows and smirked.

“Have fun,” Sage said, leaning her head onto David’s shoulder.

His gaze finally landed on Tommy, who was looking at him with a confused frown. Or maybe it wasn’t confusion—if Chuck didn’t know better, he would have thought Tommy looked sad.

But then Gavin’s hand was on his back, and Chuck left his friends with a wave, letting the man guide him through the crowd and out the door. They quickly decided on going to Chuck’s house, since it was closer.

They had barely made it through the front door when Chuck pulled Gavin’s body against him. Chuck initiated the kiss, quickly losing himself in the lingering bite of vodka on his tongue.

As Gavin’s hands roamed his body, Chuck let his imagination run wild. What if he was kissing the man who would become a permanent fixture in his home? Maybe Gavin, this stranger , could see something within him that went beyond his body. Maybe whatever they started tonight could turn into sharing a meal and long conversations on his back patio. Maybe sparks would fly. Maybe they’d exchange numbers and make plans to go on a date.

Maybe someday, he would feel like he belonged in Chuck’s home.

Gavin’s mouth dropped to his neck, his beard tickling Chuck’s chin. With a soft whine, Chuck tilted his head back, his body waking up as he felt kisses trail down the open neck of his shirt.

“Have you been tested?” Gavin asked, and Chuck looked down to see the man falling to his knees before him.

Chuck nodded, a little gasp falling from his lips as Gavin lifted his shirt to kiss the bare skin above his waistband. “A few weeks ago and there’s been no one since. And I’m on PrEP.”

“Same, and I was tested last week,” Gavin replied as his hands worked Chuck’s button free. He pulled Chuck’s shorts and jock down together, leaving him naked and half-hard. “Damn, look at you,” Gavin said, his voice rough as he leaned forward.

Chuck sunk his teeth into his lower lip, watching his cock start to fill as Gavin’s rough lips wrapped around the head. Relief warred with the dull throb of arousal as the man swallowed him down.

Fuck , it was good. It felt warm, a buzz starting just below his belly button. His eyes closed and he focused his attention on how badly he wanted this, how much he wanted to come. Chuck held his breath, hoping, fucking praying that the warmth would turn to heat, that the effort this man was putting into giving him a perfectly wet, sloppy blowjob would be enough.

Minutes stretched on, and Chuck could sense Gavin’s frustration as his hand joined his mouth, gripping his sack while the other trailed back, seeking out his hole.

But the fire wasn’t getting any stronger, the release that Chuck fucking craved wasn’t coming. Finally, he pushed the stranger away from him, his hard cock dripping with spit between them.

“I,” Chuck started, scratching his chest like maybe that might ease the crippling embarrassment curdling inside of him. His eyes caught on the flattened cushions on the couch where he and Tommy had sat watching Spartacus together. Forcing a breath, he looked back at the man on his knees. “I’m sorry, I just…it’s good, Gavin. So good, but I’m not going to come.”

Gavin pushed up to standing, and Chuck’s living room suddenly felt too small. The look on his face—hurt, confusion—was one Chuck wished he didn’t know as well as he did.

“Sorry.” Chuck went on, pointing toward the other man’s crotch. “Want me to?—”

“I think I’m going to head out,” Gavin said, stepping back and clearing his throat. “It was nice to meet you, Chuck.”

There was nothing he could do but watch the man’s broad back disappear out the front door.

A clawing sadness started in his chest and spread like a disease, fueled by embarrassment and shame and frustration and rage. Chuck was so fucking tired, and for just a moment he let himself give up, sinking down to the floor.

The carpet was rough against his bare ass. Chuck hugged his knees to his chest and dropped his forehead. Between his legs, his soft cock still glistened from a stranger’s mouth.

He couldn’t go on like this.