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CHAPTER 14

WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO DO?

CHUCK

“How’s work?”

Tommy’s face was pulled into a concentrated frown as the early morning light slid over his wet skin. It was a pattern they’d fallen into together—catching up while they did increasingly long kicks. Occasionally, their kick boards would nudge each other. Chuck noticed that today Tommy was quieter and withdrawn, like he was lost in his thoughts.

“Work is fine,” Tommy said, already breathless from their workout. “Rick is riding us all like crazy. He’s got a big review with his national corporate boss and we’re all picking up the slack.” He blew out a loud breath. “I’m just trying to make sure all the bullshit doesn’t interrupt my team from doing what they need to do.”

“That’s good of you.”

Tommy’s round shoulders lifted and dropped. They reached the wall at the same time, and, in almost perfect synchronicity, lifted their boards and changed direction.

“How’s dating?”

When Tommy didn’t say anything, Chuck glanced over at him. Tommy caught his gaze, and then shook his head. “You don’t want to hear about it.”

“No, T. It’s okay, we’re friends,” Chuck rushed to correct him, even as a sinking, sickly feeling tightened in his throat.

“I don’t know,” Tommy hedged.

“Come on! I’m fine, we’re fine, it’s all fine!” Chuck wasn’t sure why he was pushing, why he needed to know how Tommy’s foray into dating men was going. If he was dating men at all. All he knew was he felt like he was barely holding on to whatever it was keeping him tethered to his body. He tried to force a deep breath. “I want to hear about it.”

Tommy frowned at him, but then, with his painfully handsome face turned in perfect profile, he started to talk. He described his evening out with Wade, dancing with strangers, and then the cautious hope he’d felt when he met Noah. He went on to describe how nervous he was for his date, how he’d changed his shirt three times and made sure to floss just in case.

The conversation had been good, Tommy said, and then, as their evening was coming to an end, they’d kissed. “It just wasn’t,” Tommy said, obviously wrestling with his words. “There wasn’t chemistry.”

Chuck wasn’t entirely sure how his body was still moving, convinced that the chaos in his head was loud enough to disrupt whatever part of him controlled his motor functions. “Are you going to see him again?”

“No.” Tommy’s mouth tightened, lips pressing against each other like he was trying to keep something in.

“Why not?”

“It just didn’t feel right.”

“Are you going to try again?”

Tommy let out a frustrated sigh. “What do you care, Chuck?”

At some point they’d reached the end of the pool, and neither of them had kept going. They stood there with their forgotten kick boards bobbing on the disturbed surface of the water beside them. Chuck let his eyes trail down Tommy’s muscular chest, over the swells of his defined abs, to the V of his Adonis belt and his low-slung Speedo.

Chuck couldn’t look away. He felt out of control, a wildness in him making his nerves spark and his skin itch. It would be so easy to be selfish. Just once. One time wouldn’t be enough to leave him broken. He could indulge in a little taste before Tommy found someone else—someone real .

There was no universe where Tommy wouldn’t find someone else, because he was Tommy Littleton and he was so good at making the people he cared about feel treasured.

There were a million things that could go wrong, fears and worries and what if s. Chuck had been right to say no when Tommy had asked if they could hook up. It had been a smart and safe choice. He needed to protect himself and knew how much it would devastate him when things went wrong.

But just once?

“Get out of the pool.” Chuck’s skin was hot, sharp against the cool lapping of the water. He wouldn’t— couldn’t —think about what came after.

Tommy frowned, taking off his own cap and goggles, leaving his hair sticking straight up on his head. “Dude, what the?—”

Chuck couldn’t speak, not when his body was buzzing and blood pounded in his head. He got out of the pool and walked toward the locker room, glancing back at Tommy, who followed him silently with water dripping down between his pecs and over his abs, the hair on his thighs dark and plastered to his tan skin.

Chuck pushed open the door and stepped aside so Tommy could pass. The locker room was shadowed, but enough natural light slipped through the high windows that he could make out the low bench that stretched in front of the old metal lockers.

Chuck locked the door behind them.

“Chuck,” Tommy began, his voice quiet. “What’s going?—”

“Fuck!” Chuck couldn’t help the outburst, needing to let off some of the steam building inside him. He ran a hand through his damp hair, tugging on the roots. This was a bad idea. A terrible fucking idea. But this was Tommy and he’d been an idiot to think he stood a chance .

Tommy stood there in the middle of the room, hair askew, staring at him with concern in his brown eyes.

Chuck started to walk toward him. Tommy’s eyes widened, those beautiful, kind brown eyes that had always seen right through him, watching Chuck like maybe there was something he was missing. But Chuck refused to look away, not when he brought a hand up to press on Tommy’s bare chest, not when he pushed him firmly against the whitewashed brick wall.

Chuck let out a harsh breath and then surged forward, kissing Tommy like he’d always wanted to. His hands cradled Tommy’s smooth jaw, and his thumbs pressed against the wet skin of his cheeks as he pried Tommy’s mouth open with his tongue.

Tommy moaned into his mouth, and Chuck felt his hands curl around his bare back, pulling their bodies flush together. Oh fuck , there was Tommy’s cock rubbing hard against his, the stretchy fabric of their Speedos straining against their erections.

This is happening. This is really fucking happening.

Needing to taste the rest of Tommy’s exposed skin, Chuck moved his mouth to Tommy’s neck, trailing harsh, bruising kisses down the thick column of his throat. Tommy’s head arched back to give Chuck more access and he took it, nipping the warm skin with his teeth.

“Oh, fuck,” he heard Tommy mutter above him.

Keeping their hips pressed tightly together, Chuck straightened to look down at Tommy, bracing his hands on the wall on either side of his tousled head. “Tell me what you were going to do when you found that chemistry you were looking for. What were you going to ask that stranger to do to you? What were you going to do to him?”

Tommy’s cheeks were stained red and his lips were already swollen from Chuck’s kisses. “Anything,” he whispered. “I want to try everything.”

Heat surged in him, a wanting like he hadn’t felt in years tightening his abs. Chuck dropped his head forward and bit back a groan. He looked at the place where his lean, pale stomach, with the faintest hint of red hair trailing down below his waistline, met tan, stocky abs. His own black Speedo rubbing up against Tommy’s vibrant red. His cock, more awake than it had been in years, pulsing and desperate.

Chuck rolled his hips more deliberately, smiling at Tommy’s gasp. “Were you going to ask him to take care of your cock?”

He looked up just in time to see Tommy nodding frantically. “Fuck, yeah.”

“How?” Chuck rolled his hips again, leaning in to lick an indulgent line up Tommy’s throat, tasting chlorine and a faint trace of spicy aftershave. “Had you thought that far ahead?”

“Anything,” Tommy said, and there was a reverence in his eyes as he watched Chuck, reverence and desire that threatened to make Chuck’s knees buckle.

It was too much to look Tommy in the eye when he was staring at him like that, so Chuck carefully lowered to his knees. The tile floor was as uncomfortable as he expected it to be, but it didn’t matter, not when he was face to face with Tommy’s thick erection that looked like it was about to escape from his swimsuit.

Because this was Tommy and Chuck knew that this was his first time, he looked up. “Tell me that you want this,” Chuck commanded softly. “I need to hear you say it.”

Tommy was already nodding before Chuck had finished speaking. “Please,” he added, voice dropping to a lower register. “I want this.”

He peeled the tight, wet fabric down Tommy’s solid thighs, his breath catching as Tommy’s cock bounced free. It was thick, not overly long, set in a thatch of chestnut brown curls that met the hair on his thighs. His sack hung heavy and full, and Chuck felt a throb of arousal at the thought of feeling their weight on his tongue.

“Have you been tested?”

Tommy blinked down at him. “What?”

“STIs. When were you last tested?”

“A week ago,” Tommy rasped out. “There hasn’t been anyone since then…not like there was anyone before, either. Hasn’t been anyone since…you know.” Tommy let out a shuddering exhale when Chuck’s fingertips trailed up his thigh. “And, you should know I started taking PrEP, just in case.”

Chuck hadn’t been expecting that. “Just in case?”

Tommy nodded. “Would now be a good time to tell you I’ve gotten in the habit of more… thoroughly cleaning myself in the shower?”

“Fuck, T,” Chuck managed to choke out around a groan. Chuck leaned forward, licking a slow circle around the head. “Are you okay with this?”

“Yesss,” Tommy hissed, and Chuck grinned when he felt the pull of fingers tangling in his wet hair.

“Oh my god,” Tommy breathed. “Oh, fuck, Chuck.”

Opening his mouth, he took Tommy in, lips stretching around his girth. Fuck , it was a heady feeling to give someone pleasure like that. Chuck swallowed, tongue working the underside of Tommy’s cock as he took him back as far as he could before it got to be too much and he withdrew.

With only the tip sucked tightly between his lips Chuck looked up. He needed to see Tommy, needed to remember this wasn’t just any man he was blowing.

Tommy watched him, mouth dropped open. His chest and neck were flushed, his dark russet nipples tightened to hard buds, and Chuck had never felt more powerful in his entire life. Tommy looked at him like he was something special, and it terrified him.

If there’s one thing I can do for this man, Chuck thought to himself, it’s give him the best fucking blowjob he’ll ever have . He liked the idea of leaving Tommy so sated that no other man would ever compare. Chuck found his rhythm, hollowing his cheeks as he took Tommy into the back of his throat, and reached a hand up to fondle his heavy balls.

“Oh my god,” he heard Tommy say above him. “Oh my fucking god, Chuck, I—fuck, it’s so good,” he gasped as Chuck hummed around him. The gasp turned into a disbelieving laugh. “How did I not know? This is so fucking good, and seeing you like this, Chuck, I’m fucking dying, you’re going to have me coming so hard for you, down that fucking sexy throat.”

Tommy’s babbling fueled him; knowing he was responsible for his friend’s undoing brought out an overwhelming need in Chuck to push even farther. If he was going to throw his heart down on the line like this, he was going to blow Tommy’s fucking mind.

He popped off Tommy’s cock. “Turn around,” Chuck said, his voice wrecked. “Hands on the wall and ass out.”

Tommy moved quickly, getting into the position Chuck had asked him to. With his back arched and his ass out he looked like a pin-up boy. Chuck’s gaze caught on the two perfect dimples at the base of his spine: fuck, he was never going to forget the sight.

He spread Tommy’s cheeks with both hands, mouth watering at the sight of his tight, pink hole surrounded by the same chestnut curls. He fucking loved a man with some body hair. Slowly, he dragged his tongue up his crease, teasing the rim with soft licks as he listened for a response.

“Oh fuck,” Tommy breathed out the words on a rush of air. “More, please, I need fucking more .”

Chuck gave him more. He sucked at Tommy’s hole, the bite of chlorine and musk hitting his taste buds. He groaned, his tongue licking circles around the rim until he felt it begin to soften under his attention.

He loved rimming. The intimacy and trust of it combined with the earth shattering pleasure of having a tongue in the ass made it one of Chuck’s favorite things to do in bed.

Tommy started to rock back against Chuck’s tongue, and he took that as a sign to push forward, pressing through the softened ring of muscle. Tommy let out a choked gasp, and Chuck reached between his legs to grab his dripping cock. Gathering the precum in his palm, he swiped it up Tommy’s length before he started to stroke in earnest.

“Gonna come,” Tommy choked out above him. “Fuck, don’t stop, yes, yes, yes .”

His chants ended in a guttural groan as he came, cock pulsing in Chuck’s hand as his tongue continued to thrust in and out of his hole. Chuck could feel Tommy trembling above him, and with one last kiss to the base of his spine Chuck stood up, wincing at the pain in his knees.

He ran his thumbs over the sweat-slicked skin of Tommy’s lower back, brushing over the two dimples just because he could. His own cock was painfully hard, balls already drawn up tight.

Groaning, Tommy twisted, his expression a beautiful wreck as he looked up at Chuck. He blinked his thick lashes once, twice, and then he was dropping down to his knees. He never looked away from him.

“I want to suck your cock,” Tommy said. “Been thinking about it for weeks, Chuck. Please, put me out of my fucking misery.”

It was a testament to just how badly Chuck’s body burned for his friend that he didn’t think twice before freeing his cock from his suit. Chuck was on fire, and there was a beautiful, wet mouth right there begging for him.

When Tommy’s mouth engulfed him, Chuck let out a choked cry—fuck, it felt better than he remembered. Tommy’s technique was clumsy, teeth brushing his shaft as he bobbed up and down. Chuck couldn’t look away, not when Tommy’s brown eyes were wide and glazed as he looked up at him, not when drool dripped from the corner of his mouth.

Chuck needed to tell him he might not come, that all of his work might be for nothing. He owed it to Tommy—fuck, it was the man’s first blowjob, and Chuck was the luckiest man alive.

“I might not come,” he finally managed to gasp.

Tommy pulled off of him, rubbing his cheek up and down Chuck’s wet length as he blinked up at him and caught his breath. “But does it feel good?”

A surprised laugh burst from Chuck’s chest. “Yeah, T. You’re blowing my mind right now.”

Tommy looked pleased at that. He reached up and wrapped one of his big hands around Chuck’s cock. He squeezed, experimentally, before jacking him slowly. “I knew it was going to be pretty,” he murmured, and Chuck watched, transfixed, as Tommy’s tongue darted out to lick the bead of precum from his tip. “Pretty just like you.”

Chuck moaned; it was too much, all of it, and the teasing pull of his orgasm was there, closer than he could remember it being, tightening his abdomen and sending tingles down his thighs.

When Tommy circled his lips around him again and sucked, Chuck’s knees buckled. He reached up to brace a hand on the cold wall, while his other hand grabbed a handful of Tommy’s hair. Chuck didn’t mean to thrust into his mouth, but it was too good and his hips bucked of their own free will.

“Shit, sorry,” Chuck gasped, but Tommy shook his head even as his eyes brimmed with moisture. Chuck felt two hands reach around and grip his ass before tugging him forward again.

Chuck shook his head. “You don’t have to,” he started to say.

Tommy gave him an indignant look that, even with his lips stretched around a cock, so clearly said: Don’t tell me what to do .

Jesus . Chuck started gently, with shallow thrusts into Tommy’s mouth. When Tommy nodded, he picked up his pace, letting his cock slip down Tommy’s tongue until he felt the head nudge the tight opening of his throat.

He’d fantasized about this moment, in the dreams that he refused to acknowledge. But the reality of Tommy on his knees? He was more beautiful than Chuck had ever imagined.

“I’m,” Chuck choked out. “I’m gonna cum, T. Pull off if you don’t want it. Pull the fuck off.”

But Tommy didn’t pull off, and Chuck threw his head back as his orgasm boiled over, pleasure pulsing through him as Tommy sucked him dry. He could feel Tommy’s throat constrict around him as he swallowed down his release, and Chuck tried to remember how to breathe.

When his softening cock slipped from Tommy’s mouth, Chuck let out a shaky breath. He extended a hand to help Tommy up from the floor.

Tommy slumped back against the wall, his chest heaving as he caught his breath. Chuck’s hand was still braced on the wall beside his head, and Tommy watched him, like he was waiting for Chuck to tell him what came next.

What the fuck came next?

Chuck opened his mouth, then closed it.

Regret and fear curled around his throat, making it hard to breathe. You knew this was a bad idea , a stupid, bad idea . But then he’d pictured Tommy with someone else and he’d given in. He hadn’t considered that letting himself have this—have Tommy—just once, could paint a picture of a reality he knew wasn’t his to have. The reality was Tommy wouldn’t want him. Even if Tommy decided he was open to a relationship with a man (which was unlikely), he wouldn’t pick a man with the struggles Chuck faced. Chuck had been through that heartbreak once. To go through it again, and with Tommy?

That might completely break him.

But now he’d touched him, tasted him, felt his mouth around him…

Fuck. What if Chuck had helped Tommy scratch an itch and he was content to leave it at that? What would this do to their years of friendship, to the comfort that came so easily when they cooked dinner together? Chuck needed to step back, needed to regroup before he did something stupid like ask Tommy to stay and be his and never leave him and maybe, just maybe, love him.

“We can’t do that again,” Chuck finally said.

Tommy stared at him. “What?”

“I’m sorry,” Chuck offered, panic creeping into his voice as he waved a hand in the air between them. “I shouldn’t have done that. We shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, what was I thinking? You were looking to experiment, and I’m…fuck, I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“I’m sor?—”

“Chuck. Stop fucking apologizing.”

The panic inflated in his chest. He knew what a big deal it was that Tommy had felt comfortable enough— safe enough—with Chuck to explore this for the first time. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page,” Chuck said, his voice sounding distant and echoey in his own head. Say it , he berated himself. Open your mouth and say it . “It was a one time thing. You’re—I just want you to find what you’re looking for.”

Tommy still stared at him. “What the fuck, man,” he said with a strained laugh before dropping his head forward and muttering under his breath, “I thought I already did.”

“What was that?”

Tommy looked up, wiping a hand over his mouth. “Nothing, man. Nothing.”

“We want different things,” Chuck said.

“Do we really, Chuck?”

Chuck reached down and tucked his soft cock back into his suit, aware that Tommy was still naked. He pushed back from the wall, needing to put more space between them. “I’m a gay man, T! I’ve known since I was sixteen and saw Marco Ramirez naked in the locker room after practice. I’m finally out of the closet, and I’m ready to settle down. I’m ready to have a serious and honest and real relationship for the first time in my life.” Chuck’s voice had grown louder, fueled by his desperate need for Tommy to just understand . “That’s what I want!”

Tommy straightened, a challenge clear in the line of his brows. “Perfect. I want the same thing.”

“How do you know? You’ve been bisexual for all of a month, Tommy! You can’t possibly know what you want yet, and I’m not in a good place to take on a project.”

“Fuck you, Chuck,” Tommy said, voice choked with emotion. “I did what you asked! I found someone who was nice and sweet and made it clear that he was available and interested. And it just wasn’t the same! It didn’t feel like it does with you. And now, after what we just did? Are you telling me it feels like this with other men? I call bullshit, Chuck. Bullshit. ” Hurt and confusion knitted his brows, and he looked vulnerable in that moment, standing there naked and damp-eyed in the dim light. “Why are you fighting this? Do you think I just want to fuck and be done? Because fuck that . You know me. You know I want something real and committed just as much as you do. And I’m in for that. If you’d let me, I’d take you on a fucking date right now. I’d open the door for you and tell you how beautiful you are and hold your hand and kiss you on your doorstep at the end of the night.” Chuck’s gaze caught on the moisture gathering in the corners of Tommy’s eyes. “This feels pretty fucking real to me, Chuck.”

“Tommy—” There was too much to say. It didn’t matter how perfect the words Tommy was saying sounded in his ears, that he was saying everything Chuck had ever dreamed of hearing. Tears burned in the corners of his eyes and he backed away until his back met the cold metal of the lockers.

“No.” Tommy refused to look at him as he moved to pick up his discarded suit from the floor. Woodenly, he pulled it on, and then went to grab a wad of paper towels from the dispenser by the sinks. He walked back to where he’d come all over the wall, wiping it clean. Chuck watched silently as he chucked the balled-up towel at the trashcan on the other side of the room.

It went in.

“You don’t get to do this to me,” Tommy finally said, hands balled up into fists at his side. He looked devastated. “I’m here in this room because I want to be. I wanted what we just did, and more. But this,” he pointed from his chest to Chuck. “I’m not just going to stand here and let you hurt me like this.”

“I’m not saying?—”

“I can’t right now, Chuck. I really fucking can’t.” Tommy moved toward the door.

“Will I see you Thursday?” Chuck asked, needing to know he hadn’t broken everything.

Tommy paused. Chuck heard him sigh. “Yeah, Chuck. I’ll be here.”