Page 17

Chapter Seventeen

SWEETEST REWARD

~~Levi~~

I owe Junie the truth, but the truth makes me vulnerable, and I don’t know if I can grant anyone the power to destroy me. But Junie wouldn’t use my pain, my weakness, to do so. Would she?

As a teenager I vowed to never expose myself to others’ control again. Once I grew big enough, my stepfather’s physical abuse stopped, though not the emotional and verbal abuse. My mother was indifferent to the suffering of her boys. She ignores any unpleasantness and puts on a happy face. She cares more about appearances and her social standing than she ever did for her boys.

Junie’s waiting for an answer and won’t give up until she gets it. I breathe in, hold it, and breathe out. I’m stalling. I don’t like to talk about my weaknesses. In my experience, doing so gives others ammunition to use against me to break me down or even worse, destroy me. I got out of my childhood home just in time thanks to playing on a junior hockey team in another province.

She takes my hand and holds it. For reasons I can’t explain, this simple gesture of kindness almost undoes me. No one has ever really cared about how I feel or what’s going on with me, except my younger brother Kaiser.

I’ve spent most of my life hiding the pain while presenting a party-boy exterior to the world. Junie might be the only person besides my brother who understands what I’m doing, but I am loath to bare my soul to anyone. In my experience, at some point they’ll use your weaknesses against you.

She’s waiting me out. She’s not going to give up. It’s a battle of the wills of two stubborn people, and I may not emerge the winner. But is this really about winning or losing?

“Levi, I deserve an answer. What you said was hurtful and cruel. I’ve never known you to be a cruel person, so there must be another reason. Why did you end us?”

I hear in her voice how much damage I did. I crushed her more than I realized. My actions were more painful than the stupid words I said. She’s right. I’m not a cruel person. I’ve been subjected to too much unkindness in my life to treat others with the same callousness, especially people I care for.

Care for ?

Yeah, there it is. The real truth beneath all the bullshit.

I care for Junie. God knows, I don’t want to care for anyone but myself, but sometimes a guy doesn’t get a choice in matters of the heart.

I secretly scoff at the term. I’m not a romantic. I don’t wax poetic or anything like that. I can be a charmer, especially when I’m hoping for some action, but romantic? Nah. No effing way in hell.

Until now.

I scrape my free hand through my shaggy, too-long hair. Junie’s still holding on to my other hand. Benjamin lays his head on her lap and closes his eyes. I understand him. If it doesn’t involve him, he’s not interested. The cat and I have a lot in common. I’ve been that person myself.

I meet her gaze and lose myself in a deep emerald-green field of dreams. My determination to shore up my walls dissolves. I’m not a coward, and the cowardly thing to do is continue to deny what I know to be true, especially to the one person who might well mean more to me than anyone else on this planet.

Junie senses the turbulence boiling inside me and squeezes my hand. Her smile encourages me and offers the only safe place I’ve known outside of hockey. Can I trust her? Can I trust my own feelings?

“I needed to stay safe.” I offer a vague reason and hope she’ll accept it without demanding clarification.

Junie’s eyes narrow with confusion. “Safe? I don’t get it.” She’s incredulous.

“Yeah.”

“In what way?”

“You’re really not letting this go, are you?”

“What was your first clue?” she asks with a wry smile.

I chuckle because she’s so damn adorable when she’s on a mission.

“Really, Levi. What are you afraid of?”

“Myself.”

“What?”

“I’m afraid of getting in too deep and getting hurt.” There, I said it. The honest to God truth.

She blinks multiple times before trying to focus on my face. Junie’s moved by my words, but I don’t say them for sympathy or to justify my bad behavior. I say them because I have to for my own sake.

Take a leap and see where you land. My brother says that all the time. He’s better adjusted than I am. I’ve never been able to follow his advice unless it pertained to hockey.

“In too deep with me?” She points at herself as if not believing that’s possible.

“Yeah, you. We’re commitment-phobes, but sometimes it’s not possible to control your heart.” I turn slightly on the couch so I can better face her. “Junie, I’ve fucking missed you like I never thought I could miss anyone.”

“You see me all the time.”

“Yeah, but I don’t get to see you.”

“Oh, yeah, well, I do miss the sex.” Junie studies me with interest.

I’m frustrated. She’s not comprehending what I’m awkwardly trying to say. “It’s not sex. I’ve been lying to myself for months that that’s all it is, but I know I’m only fooling myself.”

“You’re interested in more than sex?”

“Don’t sound so shocked.” I shoot her a lopsided smile.

“You can’t blame me.”

“No, I can’t. I’m really bungling this. I suck at self-exploration, and I suck even more when it comes to admitting my feelings, but I do feel something for you that goes beyond sex. I like you as a person, Junie. I don’t really like most women I date. Like Celeste for example.”

“Who does like Celeste?” she quips, trying to lighten the mood.

“Considering how quickly she’s run through the team, I’d say no one.”

“What do you want from me, Levi?”

“I want what I hope you might want.” Bad nonanswer, but this being vulnerable shit is hard to do.

“Levi, I’ve had my heart jerked around by more than one man, and I won’t subject myself to it again. Either be 100 percent straight with me or leave now.” She stares hard at me. Her gaze peels away the layers of my self-protection until she sees deep inside me. I break eye contact before she sees too much, if she hasn’t already.

I heave in a long, labored breath and let it out slowly in an attempt to relax. Yet the breathing exercise fails me this time. I open my mouth and blurt out the bare, unedited truth. “Okay. Here goes. I want you. All of you. I want to make a go of us. I’m not good at this because I don’t know how to do a successful relationship.” I’m secretly horrified I’m telling her all this, yet I’m also relieved. Not only am I admitting my feelings to her, but to myself for the first time.

“That makes two of us.”

“Junie, I can’t guarantee this’ll work out. We both have baggage, but I’m tired of pretending all I want is a good time. I mean, I want a good time, but I also want someone I can count on and lean on when necessary and for them to feel the same way about me. Am I making sense?”

“Oddly, yes. A chance to see where this goes without making any promises.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m saying. I’ve never actually done this before. I’m going to screw up, but I’ll try my best.”

“Levi, how do I know you won’t run scared at the first sign of adversity?”

“You don’t know. Hell, I don’t know. All I can do is try.”

“I appreciate your honesty. You’re talking about a commitment, an exclusive relationship?”

I nod.

“The longest relationship I’ve ever had ended in disaster. My ex beat the shit out of me, and I managed to find the courage to leave him. Caro helped, a lot. She was my rock. I know you. I know you aren’t an abuser, yet I didn’t think he was either and no longer trust my judgment.”

“When you’ve been abused, you either become the abuser or the victim. I’m not an abuser, and if I’m a victim, it’s because of my fear of commitment.”

“Were you abused, Levi?”

It’s time to come clean and admit the truth only my brother knows. “My home life sucked. My mom was an obsessed hockey mom and social climber married to an influential man in our small town. She’s all about appearances. My real dad died when I was only four. Grant, my stepdad, didn’t hide his dislike of my brother and me. Both Mom and he constantly berated us. Nothing was ever good enough. I could play the game of my life, and Mom would pick it apart, focusing on some small inconsequential detail she didn’t like. Grant would beat my brother and me with very little provocation. We lived in constant fear when we were younger. Once I was old enough to hold my own, the physical abuse stopped, but the verbal abuse escalated. Grant prided himself on his creative punishment, such as making us skate in our backyard rink to such a state of exhaustion we were vomiting. There was a time I despised hockey because of how hard they pushed me. After I turned nineteen, I cut them out of my life and never looked back. I don’t have a family anymore, except for my brother.”

“I don’t either.”

I wait for her to share since I did.

“After I married the asshole, he did what abusers do. He poisoned me against my family, and I cut them off because they didn’t approve of him. Now I look back and see the damage he did. When you’re so close to the situation, you don’t see it clearly.”

“You’ve been divorced for quite a few years. Have you reached out to them?”

“I tried one time to my sister, and she snubbed me. I never did reach out to my parents. I said some really ugly things to them I can’t take back.”

“Why don’t you try harder?”

“I guess it’s easier not to try than to be rejected.”

“Yeah, I understand that.”

Our gazes meet, and I find myself smiling. I’ve unburdened in a way I never imagined myself doing. It’s feels damn fucking good.

I put my arm around Junie and pull her close. She snuggles next to me, squishing Benjamin in the process. He extracts himself, casts a dirty look over his shoulder, and stalks into the bedroom. We both laugh.

“He’s pissed.”

“It doesn’t take much to piss off a cat.”

“I wouldn’t know. I’ve never had one.” I’m now freely telling her things that I’ve kept quiet before, such as never having a pet. Saying things like that always draws unwelcome sympathy.

Junie sits up and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

“What was that for?”

“For the little boy inside you who never knew the joy of having a furry creature in your life.”

Fuck. I’m tearing up. Her words strike me in ways I can’t explain. Somehow, she’s come up with a statement that’s an analogy of my life. I angrily swat at a lone tear trickling down my face, but Junie pushes my hand away and kisses that tear.

Is this how a functional relationship should feel? Because I’m feeling pretty good right about now. We might seem like the last couple on earth who could be successful, but I love challenges, and Junie’s worth the risk.

No risk, no reward.

And I’m betting the reward will be the sweetest ever.