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Chapter One

brEAKING UP

~~Levi~~

I love you.

Oh my god, did I say those forbidden words out loud?

I’ve never told anyone I loved them, not even family members, who don’t deserve it anyway. Fear grips me and spreads like a contagious disease wreaking havoc on my body and soul. I tamp down my panic and rein in the urge to run like hell. Running away is my MO when my life gets a little too hot to handle.

Seconds ago, we shared one of our countless orgasms together. In the heat of the moment, I may have blurted out a declaration I didn’t mean.

I study Junie’s beautiful face. Her bright eyes are still unfocused and dilated from our recent physical experience. As I study her closer, I see no indication that I uttered the scariest words in the English language out loud. Satisfied she didn’t hear my blunder, I sit up on the side of the bed with my back to her.

I’m the guy who never settles down with one woman, never gets attached, never allows anyone to get past my defenses. Juniper and I had a good deal going. We’re nonexclusive, and it’s all about the sex. We’ve been together off and on since training camp last September. I’ve tried my damnedest to walk away for good, but like an addiction I can’t shake, I keep coming back for more. As does she.

Being with Junie threatens to break down my carefully constructed walls and open up my most vulnerable places.

I have to get out of here and regroup.

I love you.

She may not have heard, but I did. Even if my revelation is brought about by the emotions of the moment and not real feelings, even thinking them scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I can’t let my damaged soul be exposed to further suffering at the hands of those who should care for me. Been there, done that. Not going back again.

A shrink would claim my family did this to me, made me afraid to love, and they’d be right. I don’t need a professional to tell me so. Their criticism plays over and over in my mind at the worst times. I’ve gotten good at controlling the negative talk, but shutting it out completely is impossible.

You’re worthless. No one will ever love you.

You’re going to be alone your entire life.

You don’t deserve this family or any other one.

You’re just like your father and not good boyfriend material. Take pity on the poor women, and don’t lead them on like the selfish asshole you are.

All this crap and more has been said by my mom, sister, or stepfather. The worst thing about all the damaging advice is that I’ve taken it to heart. It’s integrated into my psyche as if it’s an organ I can’t live without. I believe them. I’m not worthy of a healthy relationship, nor am I capable of being a good partner to any woman.

Junie knows all this. We’ve had lengthy after-sex discussions about our personal fears. It’s weird that I’ve been able to bare my soul to her somewhat, but I always pull back before I reveal too much. Exposing my most vulnerable moments is too painful and dangerous.

Junie taps me on the back, and I involuntarily stiffen. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” My tone is curt, and I hate that I’m being an ass, but it might be the only way.

“No, you’re not. We just had legendary sex and suddenly you’re withdrawn, and your defenses are up. Red flags everywhere.”

“Baby, I’m a field full of red flags.”

“Don’t I know it,” she says wryly. I clutch the side of the mattress to hold myself back. I want to hug her, let her comfort the unloved little boy inside me, but I won’t do that. I’ll never do that.

Junie moves to sit next to me. She drapes one of her shapely legs across my thigh and leans into me. I don’t react as I normally do and stare straight ahead. I’m afraid if I look her in the eye, my resolve will self-destruct.

And I am resolved.

I need to end this thing between us once and for all. I’m no good for her, and she’s the one woman who’s hazardous to my heart. I won’t subject myself to the pain that comes from caring about someone more than yourself.

“I think we need to take a break,” I blurt before I have a chance to back out.

“What? Why? I thought you liked our arrangement.” She tenses and scoots away from me. I chance a glance in her direction, and my stomach sinks at the hurt in her gaze.

“It’s not working out.”

“Not working out? What’s not working out? We’re friends with benefits. Nothing more, nothing less.”

Easy for her to say. Judging by what ran through my mind earlier, I’ve dipped one of my toes into the not-just-friends-with-benefits zone.

I’m not boyfriend material.

“I feel we need to end this arrangement. I need to concentrate on hockey.” I try again. By Junie’s expression, she’s not buying my lame excuse.

“But why? You told me it relaxes you and helps you play better. It’s just sex. Great sex.”

It’s not just sex to me. Not anymore. But I’m not telling her that. I have trust issues. As in, I don’t trust anyone. It’s easier this way because I don’t get disappointed or let down. I guess I trust my teammates on the ice. Maybe.

I need to come up with an excuse that protects my truths but pushes her away for good. I might hurt her in the short term, but cutting ties with me will be the best thing for her in the long run. She’s going to hate me, but I have to do this for both of us. Junie deserves so much better than a damaged guy like me can ever give her. I suck in a deep breath and gather my courage. I might be a conceited ass at times, but I hate harming someone I truly like and respect. Junie regards me with those emerald-green eyes clouded with suspicion. She has trust issues too. I force myself to say the words that’ll bring a permanent ending to our “friendship.”

“You’re too old and boring for me.” There, I said it. A total lie. There’s a six-year age difference between us, which has never been a big deal. And Junie is far from boring.

Her face falls, and I resist the urge to immediately deny my words. She believes me, and I know she’s better off hating me than falling for me the way I’m falling for her. I’m unworthy, and I’m irreparably damaged. I can’t look her in the eye any longer and stare instead at the floor. Junie hugs herself and rocks back and forth. She’s not saying anything, which is alarming. Junie always has plenty to say about everything.

After what seems like a torturous lifetime, she clears her throat. I lift my head and force myself to meet her gaze.

“I’m glad you said something. I’ve been fretting over how to tell you the same thing. You’re too young and immature for me. I want things you can’t give. I’m glad we’re in agreement that we aren’t good for each other.”

I nod, but I’m sick inside. Does she really think I’m immature? If so, she might be right.

“I have one question. Does this have anything to do with Celeste?”

I blink several times before I process her question. “Celeste? Oh, fuck no.”

Junie scowls, not buying my line of shit. But it’s not a line. Celeste has slept with every single guy on the team at least once and probably some of the married ones. She’s a gold digger looking to get her claws into a pro hockey player. Most of us have been there, done that and avoid her because she’s not a pleasant person to be around. In fact, she’s catty and vindictive. I’m not proud to say that she and I have had some hot nights together, but she doesn’t compare to Junie.

Junie narrows her gaze, clearly skeptical of my answer. I’m not going to convince her, and it doesn’t matter at this point. We’re through. I sincerely hope she’s being honest about wanting to end it with me, too. My conscience might rest easier because of it.

But probably not.

“I should go.” I dress quickly, while Junie watches me from her perch on the edge of the bed. She doesn’t try to stop me. In fact, her expression is unreadable. I start to walk out the bedroom door but stop and turn. “This is goodbye then?”

“Goodbye.” Her tone is cold, but I detect underlying pain.

I hesitate before answering. “Goodbye, Junie. I’m sure I’ll see you around since we travel in the same circles.”

She waves her hand to dismiss me as if she’s royalty, and I’m merely a servant. I almost laugh but wisely don’t. Instead, I drink her in one last time. She’s naked and isn’t trying to hide her lack of clothes. Junie has always been secure in her own body, and it’s a magnificent one. I’m going to miss exploring every inch of that body.

Turning, I square my shoulders and hold my head high as I leave her apartment. Before I get into my car, I can’t resist one backward glance. She’s standing on the landing to her apartment, now wearing a bathrobe, as she has so many times before. Only this time is different. I’ll never again see her like this. For a brief moment her guard is down, and I see the devastation I’ve wrought. I hate myself for it. She quickly recovers and glares haughtily in my direction.

Once I’m in the driver’s seat, she disappears into her home.

It’s over, and I should be relieved, except I’m not.

I drive to my condo, park in the garage, but don’t take the elevator to my floor. Instead, I exit on the lobby level and out the front door, nodding at the doorman as I leave. I walk down the street to a local bar and proceed to get shit-faced.