Page 11

Chapter Eleven

COMPETITION

~~Levi~~

I’m a coward. A stinking, fucking coward.

It’s not easy for me to admit I made a mistake, but I think I might’ve. I want Junie back. I miss her and not just for the sex.

Junie and I weren’t growing together. We existed in an area between lovers and boyfriend/girlfriend. We’d been comfortable without commitment, yet were we really?

Splitting up forced me to reevaluate everything I thought I knew about myself and my relationships. I’ve done more soul-searching these past few weeks than I’ve done in my entire life. I’m not one for introspection or self-evaluation except when it comes to hockey.

I ran because I believed she’d hurt me eventually, just as everyone else I’ve ever loved has done, yet will she? I’ll never know because I wussed out when the going got tough, and things got more serious than I’m comfortable with.

My time without Junie has demonstrated how miserable I am without her. Maybe there’s something to that old saying, it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Nothing in life is guaranteed, yet I seem to believe the only way I can fall for someone is if there’s an impossible assurance I’ll never be hurt. Life doesn’t make those kinds of promises.

Am I really ready to take the next step, whatever that might be, despite how it might end? Do I have what it takes to risk my heart and soul for the unknown?

Hell, I’ve never been much for committing. Never wanted to. I’ve never even considered myself a one-woman man, but I’m willing to try if she’ll give me a second chance. The big question is will she? Junie’s a female version of me. She doesn’t commit either. After that number her ex did on her, I can’t blame her. I have a hard enough time trusting, and I haven’t been burned by a significant other as she has.

I’m at a crossroads, and I’m uncertain which direction to go. I want Junie back, yet I don’t.

I need advice from someone who’s been there. The first guy who comes to mind is Ziggy. He’d been a huge partier to the point that the team threatened to cut him or trade him if he didn’t clean up his act. So far, I haven’t sunk that low. I might enjoy my good times, but hockey always comes first.

Once I enter the locker room with the homemade bread, guys file into the kitchen one by one to steal a slice or two of the incredible goodness that’s Junie’s bread. I doubt there’ll be any left for lunch.

Tonight, we play game one in the second round of the playoffs. Our morning skate is nothing more than stretching our legs and working on a few minor points. If we aren’t ready at this point, it’s too late for large changes.

My roommates head home after lunch and take an afternoon nap, but I stick around. I find Ziggy alone in the weight room. He’s riding one of the stationary bicycles. I take a seat on the one next to him. He glances in my direction and smiles. We peddle in silence for a while, each lost in our own thoughts. Well, I am. Who knows about Ziggy. The music is blasting, and he’s singing along. I wait until he finishes his ride and dismounts. I do the same.

He glances in my direction in surprise. We’re not best buddies or anything. I mean we get along, but we don’t hang out. Before Darcy, I’m guessing we’d have been party animals together, but post-Darcy, along with everything I’ve heard from the veterans, Ziggy is nothing like he was.

“You done?” Ziggy asks, confused because I didn’t spend much time working out.

“Yeah, I had a good workout this a.m. I’m actually here because I need some advice.” I duck my head, somewhat embarrassed.

“About Edmonton?” He assumes I’m looking for insight into our opponent in this round.

“It should be, but that’s not why I’m here.”

My admission intrigues him. He sits down on a weight bench and indicates I should sit on the adjacent one. “What is it?”

“It’s, uh, difficult.”

“Ah, it’s a woman.” He grins. “And why have you come to me?”

“Because from everything I’ve heard, we’re a lot alike. Or you were like me when you were younger.”

“Thanks for making me feel like an old fart,” he teases. “I’m guessing Celeste is your problem, and I’m not sure you really want my opinion on her.”

“I’m not dating Celeste, even if she’s saying I am.”

“That’s wise.”

“Yeah, I’ve been there, done that.”

“You and most of the team. She’s desperate in her mission to snag a hockey player permanently. I’m surprised she hasn’t gotten pregnant just to trap a guy.”

“I think most of us are smart enough to use condoms.”

“So back to your problem. If it’s not Celeste, it’s Junie?”

“Yeah, I broke it off with her. Well, it was somewhat mutual, but it was my idea.”

He nods sagely and rubs his chin. “And now you regret it?”

“Yeah, I do.” I stare at the ceiling for a long moment and try to make sense of my jumbled thoughts.

“And you’re thinking that maybe the party lifestyle isn’t all it’s cut out to be, and you’re craving something different that you can’t put your finger on, even though what you want is the one thing you swore you’d never succumb to.”

“How did you know?” He’s got me figured out to a T.

Ziggy snorts, as if the answer is obvious. He points at himself. “Because that’s me. In fact, most of the veterans on this team never planned on having a long-term relationship, but love doesn’t care about plans. Love does what it wants.”

“I’m not talking about love.”

He shakes his head as if I’m na?ve and clueless, which is possible. “You just keep telling yourself that.”

“But I’m only twenty-two. Isn’t that a little young to tie myself to one woman?”

“It can be, but only you can answer that.”

“I broke it off because I was the one getting too serious.”

“Ah, you’re a commitment-phobe, like I was.” He laughs, and I frown, not sure whether to be insulted or complimented.

“There are young guys on this team who are happily off the market and have never regretted it. Talk to Axel or Steele or Kaden. They were in their first or second year in the league when they found the loves of their lives.”

It’s weird hearing Ziggy talking about falling in love. He’s a joker in the locker room. It’s easy to forget that he does have a serious side. “I wish I could be more help, but this is really your decision, and no one can make it for you. And Juniper’s. Maybe she’s moved on.”

“You might be right. There’s this guy Benjamin that she’s mentioned.” My heart sinks as I’m reminded this may not be my decision alone. She may not want me in her life.

He nods wisely, as if he gets it. “Good women don’t wait around forever for us guys to pull our heads out of our asses.”

“I know,” I say glumly.

Ziggy studies me closely, as if I’m a power play diagram he’s diagnosing. “I think you already know the answer. You regret splitting with Junie.”

I sigh. He’s not making this easy on me. I’m not sure what I expected, but maybe part of me hoped he’d answer my questions for me.

“It’s not complicated. Don’t overthink it. As painful and humbling as it might be, talk to Juniper and get an idea where you stand.”

“And if she’s not interested?”

“You can give up, or you can make her interested.”

“How?”

“Pursue her. You know, woo her. Give her flowers and chocolates and all sorts of stuff.”

“We had a casual relationship before. Not exclusive but mutually beneficial. What if she doesn’t want any more than that?”

Ziggy nods with a sly smile. “You won’t know until you try. She’ll have demands of her own if she’s willing to give you another chance. Buddy, you fucked up, and now you’ll pay. Swallow your pride, and do what needs to be done if she’s that important to you. If she isn’t, move on, but make better choices in the future.” Ziggy chuckles. “Damn, but I sound like an old married man, don’t I?”

“Yeah, you kinda do.”

“Good luck.” Ziggy slaps me on the back and walks away. I’ve gotten more out of him than expected, but I still have more questions than answers. A lot more.

Maybe seeing her will make things clearer. I head for the kitchen, but it’s locked up tight. On game days, the chef operates out of the arena, and she’s already gone, along with her staff. Feeling determined, I go home for a quick nap, after which I’ll head to the arena early. I need to see her and try to figure out what I want before I approach her with a proposal—and not that kind of proposal, more like a plan to move forward with us, if she’s willing for there to be an us.

After all, she is seeing Benjamin, but that won’t stop me. I love a good competition.