Page 46

46

Axel

T onight has been incredible—good food with great friends, surrounded by people we love. As we stand around, all saying our goodbyes, I watch everyone interact with each other.

Blake is the bubbly sunshine of the group, a perfect match for Annie’s stoic nature and Cole’s relaxed attitude. Justin hides his inner demons, but Nicole nurtures him and gives him peace. Katy fits seamlessly into our ever-expanding group, soaking up life like a sponge.

Miller and Lincoln might as well be an old married couple, knowing each other so well, inside and out. Miller has stopped hiding his relationship and is open with Lincoln out in public. Tucker and Spencer have this undeniable bond that defies every standard of relationships. He knows her. He sees her even when she’s hiding behind her mask.

Where do I fit in?

My chemistry with Spencer is evident in every kiss and caress. I’m the jokester in our five-some, but I sometimes can’t help feeling like a fifth wheel. I’m no one’s calm; my ADHD wouldn’t ever allow that. I’m the chaos—the one who blurts out my thoughts without thinking. My humor is a shield that keeps me from thinking too deeply.

“What do you need, Darlin’?” Tucker’s breath on my ear snaps me out of my pity party.

“Just observing.”

He steps around me, blocking my view of the room. “There’s more going on in that head of yours. You look far too contemplative just to be observing.”

Does he see everyone?

“You and Spencer have something special.” That’s part of what I was thinking, hopefully enough that he doesn’t push for more.

No such luck.

“We do. But what else were you thinking about?” He lifts his hand to my forehead and smooths the creases with his thumb. His touch is gentle and comforting. “You’re worried about something. Is it Katy?” He shakes his head before I can answer, seeing something in my face. “Not Katy. Hmm. Something at work? Not that, either. Something at home? Ah. Talk to me.” His hand trails down my temple, my cheek until he’s holding my chin in his hands. His blue eyes pierce me.

“I’m fine.”

“You’re not.” His objection is as quick as mine. “You’re not okay, and you can tell me willingly, or I can persuade you to tell me.” Tucker’s thumb runs along my bottom lip, and he grabs my belt and pulls me into his hips. I look around the room to see who’s still here to witness us, and he pulls my chin back to him. “This is my club, and I don’t care who sees. Eyes on me, Darlin’.”

“I’m fine, Tucker,” I insist again trying to get my point across, but he ignores me.

“Hard way it is.” He releases my chin but not my belt and drags me behind him toward the doors leading to the club. He takes a left into an office and locks the door behind us. I’m slammed up against the wall and Tucker puts one hand on my neck and the other at my waist. He stops his lips just before we connect, his hand stopping me from closing the space. An involuntary whine escapes me, and I realize how much I’ve missed this connection.

“Please.” I want his touch—his soft lips and rough beard against my skin. “Tucker, please kiss me.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.” Closing my eyes, I dip my head as much as his hand allows. I don’t want to feel broken and vulnerable right now. I want to feel wanted.

“Nothing. I’m f—”

“I promise if you finish that sentence, you’ll regret it.” He nips my jaw, and I want to melt into a fucking puddle.

I’m hard. I’m so fucking hard and turned on, and he hasn’t even touched me.

“Talk to me, Darlin’. I don’t want to ask again. You’ve been reserved lately, and I don’t like it.”

It’s hard to think or form words when his mouth is hot and wet on my skin. He traces the angle of my jaw with licks and kisses. The shell of my ear, the hollow of my neck. His simple touches are so erotic. My brain is misfiring more than usual with the need and want coursing through my body. I drum my fingers on my thigh with the need to tell him and the crushing anxiety not to.

“Axel.” My growled name reverberates through my brain like a ping-pong ball. Squeezing my eyes closed, I take a deep breath and whisper my doubts.

“I don’t…fit.”

He pulls away, and I can tell he’s misunderstood what I said.

“Not like that.” I puff out a heavy sigh. “Miller has Lincoln, and you have Spencer and…”

Tucker must see the pain in my eyes that I’m trying so desperately to hide. I shouldn’t complain about the pieces of each of them that they offer me. I’m so grateful for what I get. I have more than I ever wanted, and it feels selfish to want them to give more of themselves to me.

“Fuck.” He rests his forehead on mine. “Axel, no. You’re as much a part of this relationship as any of us. Are you feeling left out?”

Is that what I’m feeling? No. That’s not it. I can join in with any of them whenever I want. We’re all open with our affection.

“Not left out. Just…extra.”

Tucker finally closes the distance between our lips, but it’s not fast or dominating. It’s soft and tender, and the rawness I was already feeling from this conversation seeps out. Tucker removes his hand from my neck and wipes away a stray tear.

“I’m so fucking sorry that you’re feeling that way. It’s the farthest thing from the truth, Darlin’. Everyone has their part.”

“Yeah, I’m the stupid, funny one.” Wow. That wasn’t self-deprecating or anything, but I’d be lying to myself if, some days, I didn’t feel exactly like that.

A growl that tells me exactly how much he disapproves of my thoughts echoes around the room. “Stop that right fucking now. You’re more valuable than that. Please tell me that’s not actually how you feel you fit in here?” He listens to my silence and knows it’s my answer. “I’m so fucking sorry, Darlin’. I’m so sorry.”

His low, muffled apologies continue as he kisses down my neck. Tucker reaches for my shirt, and his lips trail after his hands as he slowly undoes the buttons. I grab his hat before it falls off his head and run my fingers through his dark auburn hair. He hums his approval, and the sound vibrates through my chest.

“You’re just as much wanted as everyone else in our family.”

With all the buttons undone, he stands and slides my shirt off my shoulders.

“I’ve never felt unwanted. Sex is never the problem.”

“Then what?”

I don’t know how to put into words exactly how it makes me feel. It’s just an extraness.

“If I’m not just the funny one, then what am I?” I realize these are lifelong insecurities I’m burdening my relationship with. It’s a general feeling of my entire life, not necessarily only in my relationship with them.

“Hmm. Answering my question with a question. Okay. You need to know your worth in our relationship?”

“I-I do.” His hands roam my bare chest, and I’m struggling to do anything but feel.

Tucker steps back and pulls out his phone. He types a few lines and then grabs my hand, taking me to a dark green velour couch in the corner of the office. When he sits, he pulls me down to straddle his legs. It’s a very different position than I’m used to, as I’m usually the one being sat on.

“What are we doing?”

Tucker looks into my eyes, and he rubs the tops of my thighs. The warmth from his hands burning a line on my skin.

“We’re waiting.”

“Waiting? For?” Tucker’s phone buzzes between us, startling me. It buzzes again and again. I stare at the phone, wondering when he’s going to pick it up. When he finally does, the smile that crosses his lips melts my inner soul. It’s beautiful.

“Look.”

He hands me the phone, and I see he’s received a handful of texts.

Miller: Axel is the best friend I could ever ask for. He’s loyal to a fault and always makes me smile. He has the biggest heart, and I’m happy to call him mine.

I lift my gaze to look curiously at Tucker. “What is this?”

“Keep reading.” His hands glide back up my thighs as I read the next text.

Blake: Axel is like the big cuddly brother I always wanted. A smile from him could brighten my day.

Lincoln: Axel inspires me to always look on the bright side. Even on my darkest days, he brings me light and joy. I love the big guy.

Justin: I love the shit out of that man. He doesn’t put up with my bullshit, and in a world of people-pleasers, I need someone like Axel to keep me grounded.

Cole: Axel is the only person I know whose humor can rival mine. I love the conversations we’ve had that are deep but laced with enough comedy that we always come out better on the other side!

Nicole: No one will ever commiserate curly hair with me as well as Axel. We hold each other’s secrets close to our hearts.

Katy: Axel is MY big teddy bear. Nothing more needs to be said.

Annie: I have great respect for someone who can do the job Axel does and still finds humor in everyday life.

Spencer: Every one of my men holds a special piece of me. Axel holds my laughs and my smiles that I didn’t know I still had after such a long time of being locked away.

Tucker swipes his thumbs across my cheeks, collecting my tears. The last few texts were blurry to read through my emotions.

“And me. Do you know what you mean to me? You’re a breath of fresh air after a day in the dirt. A cold glass of water after baking in the sun. You’re my sunshine. You’re all of our sunshine. You’re not the stupid, funny one like you said. You bring us all so much joy in this terrible fucking world. I’m sorry we haven’t been doing a better job showing you how much you mean to us. Sometimes, we forget that just because you smile all the time, it doesn’t mean there aren’t deeper emotions hiding behind it. But you need to let us in and talk to us. For you to think so little of yourself, you must see your humor as a burden, and we can’t have that. Your humor is a beautiful thing, but we can walk alongside you through sadness, fear, and love, too.”

I hunch over and bury my face in my hands. I feel so raw right now. The words everyone said about me were incredible, but more than that, Tucker’s words spoke the truth. I hide behind my humor because, like Spencer, it’s my mask. No one ever bothers the funny guy. The one who always wears a smile but never gets upset. But the flip side to that is if I’m always smiling, no one takes me seriously. It’s a heavy burden to wear on either side of the coin. But if Spencer can learn to drop her mask and let us in, then I can do the same with my humor.

Gentle hands encircle my wrists and pull to uncover my face. I probably look like absolute shit right now, and I keep my head hung low.

“Don’t hide from me, Darlin’. What do you need? What can I give you right now?”

“You’ve just given me so much.” My cup is full with all the love everyone just poured into it.

Tucker kisses my knuckles and the heat flares in my body. His beard scratches my fingers, and my cock twitches. “If I’ve satisfied your mind, is there something your body needs?”