Page 42

42

Tucker

W e survived. I didn’t think we would, but Nicole walked in the door, stifled a laugh, grabbed the kids and Katy, and took them outside. Before leaving, she warned us to be easy with Spencer’s heart, and she would probably want to talk to each of us individually.

Miller and Axel jumped at the chance to be first, which ended in a rousing best-of-three rock, paper, scissors contest. Miller won with a triumphant grin, and Axel pouted like a toddler and whined about the gum in his hair.

Lincoln’s guilt is festering. He’s put on a smile while here, but I know my brother well enough to see the feelings he’s hiding. Spencer used her safeword again. While we are all proud of her for using it, both times she did it was in relation to Lincoln. Not anything that he did specifically, but whatever he was doing at the time brought up feelings that caused her to panic. I’ve tried quietly reassuring him that he’s done nothing wrong, but it hasn’t helped. I can’t say I’d feel any different if I were in his shoes.

Everyone is antsy without the kids to distract us, minus Miles, who’s still asleep on my chest. I imagine it feels like we’re all waiting for our turn at the firing squad.

The front door opens, and our attention turns to the woman who holds our hearts. It’s there, in our eyes, our postures: the way Axel’s fingers twitch to touch her.

When I hit my forties, and no woman or man had caught my eye, I thought Midnight Moonshine would forever be my mistress. One morning, in a random coffee shop, when an asshole pointed a gun at a complete stranger, my heart changed. Even if I had never seen her again after the moment we shared—the kiss—I was changed.

Spencer approaches Axel first. He’s the next logical choice after Miller. I don’t know the full extent of what happened in her room after I left but I know Miller and Axel were cuffed and bystanders to the scene unfolding.

“Hi, Axel.” Like a lost puppy finding its home, he scoops her into his arms, and she practically disappears into his chest. “Oxygen is necessary to live, and you’re constricting mine.” His arms relax, but he doesn’t let go.

“Tails, I know you’re not a fan of apologies, so I won’t give you one.” He kisses the top of her head and inhales the scent of her hair. “Communication is important in any relationship, but you’re extra spicy sometimes, and you have to give us a minute to take a sip of milk.”

“That’s…”

“That sounded way better in my head. Speaking of which.” He bows his head and shows her the wad of gum sticking through his strands.

“I thought I smelled mint. Come with me.”

Axel playfully swats her butt as she walks toward the refrigerator. They talk in hushed tones as Spencer uses a combination of ice and, oddly enough, peanut butter to remove the gum. I’ve never seen him smile so brightly when she tells him it’s all done. Axel pulls her in for a swoon-worthy kiss, and I look away to give them their moment.

Two down, two to go.

I appreciate that she’s on a mission to speak with us individually, but I’m not owed anything from her. She felt uncomfortable with the situation in her bedroom and used her safeword. She did the right thing.

I feel her presence before she reaches me. My body is always aware of hers, like two magnets being pulled together.

“That’s a good look on you. Newborn baby is your color.” She smiles down at me, but I can see the guilt she’s harboring.

“Miller called me the baby whisperer. I think I just ended up with the easiest of the four.”

“Tucker…” Her pause speaks a thousand words in its silence. “Are you sure?” The question is open-ended, but I know what she’s asking. She’s looking at me, holding a future she can’t give me. It makes me wonder how much Axel calling me Daddy Tucker affects her.

“Little Miss, a baby isn’t endgame for me. You are.” I cradle Miles in my arms and stand. I need to touch her.

With the baby between us, I rest my hand over her heart. The words racing through me are too soon to be spoken out loud, but she understands. Instead, I go for the next best words. “I’m so fucking proud of you for speaking up. I apologize for trying to stop you from leaving. I didn’t know at the time you had used your safeword. Do you want to tell me what happened to make you leave?”

“It doesn’t matter now. I worked through it. Everything piled up all at once. Little things I didn’t realize were bothering me all came to a head.”

“Did coffee with the girls help?” I sweep a stray strand of hair away from her face. Her braids aren’t as tight as usual, and wisps have fallen out.

“It was enlightening and entertaining. They appreciated your shirtlessness.” She sees my confusion and points at a camera mounted near the ceiling.

“I shouldn’t be surprised. I’m sure it was extremely entertaining. Do you happen to know where my hat went?” She giggles, and my heart splits open. It’s an incredible sound.

“Have you seen Gage?”

Come to think of it, I haven’t. “Not lately.”

“Gage, Kommen .” Gage appears from a corner I didn’t know he was in. I throw my head back and laugh at the ridiculousness. Gage is wearing my hat with a bandana wrapped around his collar.

“Which one?”

“This was a Hannah masterpiece. Katy helped her.”

I lift my hat off the dog and place it back on my head, chuckling. “He’s a good boy.”

“The best.” Spencer’s eyes bore a hole in the ground. She has one more of us to talk to, and it’s clear he’s weighing heavily on her mind. “Where’s Lincoln? I need to talk to him, too.”

“Little Miss, there’s something you should know that I don’t think you realized.” Miles stirs in my arms, and his little eyes flutter open with a coo. Axel hears and offers to bring him to Nicole. With my arms empty, I can finally wrap them around Spencer’s waist, and I know she needs the connection, too, when she sighs into my hold.

“What’s wrong with Lincoln?”

“I’ll remind you that I’m so proud of you for communicating and using your safeword when you needed it, but both times you’ve used it was with Lincoln.” Her sharp inhale of breath is paired with a quiver of her lip. I see the panic begin to rise and pull her closer. “He is just as proud of you, Little Miss. I promise. He’s just very cautious. When you speak to him, you need to be delicate. Lincoln is a flower right now.”

Spencer understands my comparison. Lincoln is strong and confident, but for her, he’s her chaos, and I’m her calm. I won’t pretend that I don’t notice the difference her father was talking about. Whether it’s wisdom or age, I don’t know. My simple, or rough when needed touch, can calm Spencer no matter what the situation is. I felt defeated when she walked away from me earlier, but I didn’t have all of the facts. I didn’t know she had used her safeword. My approach would have been different, or not at all.

Her comfort level with Lincoln is different. Despite not knowing each other any longer than she’s known me, they’ve had a long-standing verbal connection on the radio. The relationship between emergency personnel and their dispatcher is a deep-rooted trust—one that I’m sure neither of them has even realized. That’s why, in those two situations, she felt confident telling us to stop.

“Where is he?”

“He followed Nicole outside with the kids and said he needed some air. She told him about a path through their yard that leads to a gazebo. I imagine that’s where he headed.”

“Thank you for…being you.”

“Always, Little Miss.” It’s my turn for the kiss that seals the apology. The unspoken apology that neither of us needs but our minds want. Our lips speak words that don’t need to be said out loud. We’re sorry. We’re scared. This is tricky. It’s too much and not enough. The I love you’s that are too soon but, when finally spoken, still won’t convey the try depth of our emotion.

I wish her hair wasn’t braided so I could run my fingers through it and massage her scalp, which is my secret melting Spencer weapon. Instead, I massage the back of her neck with my fingers while my tongue massages hers. It seems to have the same effect because when we finally part, her eyes are glazed, and she looks more relaxed.

With a final kiss to her forehead I send her to go find my brother and complete the puzzle of our family.

Just as she’s about to walk out the back door, she turns. “Switching houses is a good idea. Thank you.”

“No, thank you, Little Miss.”

I see her pass Axel before she stops to talk to Nicole, who’s now holding Miles. He comes back inside with a weary look.

“That was torture.”

“The babysitting or the gum in your hair?” He rubs his head, where a greasy spot awaits for his next shower.

“I’d shave my head if it meant never having to see her look that tortured again.”

I understand his sentiment wholeheartedly.

Nicole points to a worn path that leads to a lush part of their backyard. I hope when she finds Lincoln, they listen to each other. His heart is just as entangled with hers as the rest of us but the trust they have—that’s unmatched.

“How did it go?” Miller squeezes my shoulder and follows our gaze as Spencer’s white shirt retreats into the bright green backyard.

“She got the gum out of my hair.”

“She gave me my hat back.”

Miller huffs. “I guess we wait to see if she gets the boy, too.”

Spencer’s form finally disappears, and I hope to god she gets the boy too.