Page 43

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Lincoln

I need air. She’s here. Spencer is here, but I’m so torn up inside, I can’t talk to her yet. Axel and Miller salivated over who got to see her first, and all I felt was dread.

“I’m taking all the underage ones outside so you guys can talk. Katy, grab a kid.” Nicole grabs Hannah, and Katy groans and takes Ruby’s hand.

“I’ll help.” I pick up Rory and can tell Nicole is about to protest. “I need some fresh air. Please.” When she tries to take Miles away from Tucker, he waves her off. She nods in understanding and I follow her to the back door. “We have a gazebo through the trees if you need some alone time.”

All the kids run directly to the swing set when we get outside. Katy follows to push them on the swings.

“She’s going to make an excellent mother. Age has nothing to do with it.” I look on in awe at her ease with the kids.

“Has she decided to keep the baby? Did she tell you that?”

“As far as I know, she hasn’t made a final decision. Katy told me she was leaning toward keeping it, but there hasn’t been a concrete statement about it.”

“She doesn’t have to. Look at her, Lincoln. She’s in love with motherhood. It’s so natural for her. I’ve seen her rubbing her lower belly and whispering to herself.” She turns to face me with an earnest look. “I’m only going to say this once and then never again. The four of you man-children need to figure your shit out. Stay, walk away, I don’t care. Spencer won’t leave that little girl now that she’s claimed her. I know you love Katy, too, but she will always have a bigger piece of Spencer’s heart. Katy and her baby need a stable home life. It’s something she’s never had before, and she deserves it. She doesn’t need to see “Mom and Dad” arguing all the time. You guys need to be all in or walk away. And that’s for both of them, not just Spencer. All or nothing.”

“I love them both.” She’s not surprised by my statement, but I am. Those three words have been floating through my head, but I haven’t said them out loud until now. They feel right.

“I know you do, but love isn’t always enough. Justin loved me, too, but he wasn’t all in because he was putting me over his mental health. He had to love himself again before he could love me or the baby I was growing.”

“I’ve been told.” I wasn’t present then, but I’ve heard all about it from Axel and Miller. Nicole got pregnant on their first date, and when Justin found out, he put her above all else. He became obsessive, eventually forgetting to take his anxiety and antidepressant meds, and his mental health declined. He stepped back. He committed himself, and even then, when he was healthy and back on his meds, he watched her from afar, still not feeling worthy of her.

I know that feeling.

“Tell me she’s okay, Nicole. Did she say anything while you were out?”

“I can’t tell you anything that you shouldn’t hear from her yourself. Talk to Spencer, Lincoln.” She’s right. I know she is. It doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have loved some direction or insight.

“You mentioned a gazebo?” She points to a path that disappears into the woods, and I thank her and wander away. I follow a path through the trees that’s well worn but starting to overgrow. They most likely haven’t been back here much since the baby was born.

The sun is still high in the sky, and there’s plenty of light peeking through the trees. My lungs appreciate the crisp, fresh air, and the smell of moss and wet dirt surrounds me. It’s precisely what I need.

A large, well-maintained gazebo appears through the trees. It’s painted in a pale green color to blend in with the greenery around it and there’s a bench swing in the middle.

“Because, Dream Girl, they’re going to watch as I make love to you.”

Was that what scared her? Me making love to her? The love part? The cuffs? The threat of fucking Axel?

There were no signs. What did we miss? What did I miss?

Sometimes, I forget that Spencer isn’t black and white. She’s all of these magnificent shades of gray. Every one imaginable. It’s what has always attracted me to her, even on the radio. She was composed and confident, and unless you listened, really listened, that’s all you heard. But I listened. I could tell when a particular call would affect her more than others. Her slight pitch difference when she would be in the back of the ambulance if there was a child patient.

Spencer always drives the ambulance, and Justin does patient care. That is, unless the patient is a child, in which case she would ride in the back. Her cadence is smoother and slightly higher with children.

When she’s truly driving an emergency and navigating the roads with sirens, her tone is lower, concentration thicker, and her register deeper.

I know this woman. How did I miss her panic in the bedroom? Were there signs?

“Fuck.” A startled bird flies away at my expletive, and I sigh when I hear a twig snap behind me.

She’s here. She’s found me.

I wasn’t sure how much time I had or how long she would talk to the others before she came to me, but I knew she would.

“Dream Girl.” Her footsteps are slow and calculated as she ascends the three wooden steps into the gazebo. “Sit with me?” I pat the empty space on the swing, but she doesn’t accept. I hear the wood creek as she sits on the benches that line the octagon frame.

I understand her hesitation. Well, I honestly don’t because I still don’t know what happened.

I bend over, leaning my elbows on my knee, and fist my hair. I’ve never felt so conflicted in my life. I want to grovel at this woman’s feet and beg her for forgiveness. Forgiveness for famine, for cancer, for world peace. Forgiveness for the rain in the fucking clouds and the worms in the dirt.

I can’t wear the brave face I’ve worn all day because there isn’t an ounce left inside me. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I feel broken and I still. Don’t. Know. Why.

I stand because I can’t do nothing . I can’t sit here in this silence and pretend. I keep my eyes cast to the ground and walk to Spencer. When I see her flip flop covered feet, I drop to my knees and bury my head in her lap.

She can reject me—she always has the option to reject me. After agonizing moments of waiting for her to say anything, there’s still silence. I run my hands up her thighs and slip the tips of my fingers into her shorts.

The simple feeling of her warm skin under my palms smooths some of the frayed edges of my nerves. My body vibrates with anticipation of what comes next. Spencer moves, and I hold my breath, expecting her to push me away, but she doesn’t. Her fingers thread through my hair, and she pets me. She does it again, and I swear the moan that escapes my throat might as well be a purr.

Spencer shifts more, and her finger sweeps across my cheek. I’m… I’m crying. I had no idea.

“Shh, Lincoln. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.”

“Fuck.” I pull my hand out of her shorts and spread her legs so I can crawl between her thighs. I need to be closer. I wrap my arms around her lower back and rest my head half on her upper thighs, half on her stomach.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dream Girl. Please forgive me. I’m so sorry, Spencer.”

“Lincoln.”

“No. You don’t need to say anything. Tell me how to make it better. I’ll do anything. I’m all in. I’m all in for you and Katy. Tell me how to make it better.” I feel the heat from the tears this time. What has this woman done to me?

“Look at me.” I can’t deny her anything, so I lift my head and look into the most sincere blue eyes. She takes my cheeks into her hands and smiles. She fucking smiles as her thumbs brush my tears away.

“Thank you, and I’m sorry.”

I want to simultaneously puff out my chest and deflate because I don’t know what any of those words are for.

“I don’t understand.” My voice trembles as I look up at her.

“Thank you for being my safe space, Lincoln.”

I must have heard her wrong. “That’s not me. Tucker is your safe space. We all see that.”

“No, Tucker is my calm. You are my safe space. I can’t imagine the burden I must have put on your soul having used my safeword twice on you. I hadn’t realized it until Tucker pointed it out. That’s what I’m sorry for. I’m sorry because it gave you the impression it was directly related to you. I can see in the tortured expression on your face that you do. But it’s because you’re my safe space, I was comfortable enough to feel my discomfort. There’s no mask on with you. You see me, all of me, Lincoln. When I’m with you, I feel things that hide. Things I don’t know are there until my guard is fully down when you’re around.”

“Your…safe space.” I hear her words, but they sound unbelievable. Not that I don’t believe her; I just had no idea she felt so at ease around me.

“Yes. I was fine with everything happening in my bedroom. It wasn’t the thought of the sexual acts that were about to happen that made me use my safeword. When I opened myself up to letting it happen, other things crept in. Mostly doubt.”

“What were you doubting?” It’s hard to imagine Spencer anything more than confident.

“Myself. There’s no world in which the woman who was abused and battered both physically and mentally, who had no self-worth and was living each day to pass to the next one, now has four men who worship her. Four men who adore all the broken and barely put back together pieces. The woman who has a dog trained to protect her and nine hidden guns in her house with an alarm system that I thought would protect me as much physically as emotionally. I’ve spent years building a carefully crafted wall, and with one random kiss from your brother in a coffee shop, it crumbled and let you all in.”

I stand and bring her with me. Cradling her in my arms, I rest her head on my chest so she can hear my heartbeat. There’s no way this is the Spencer I’ve known all these years. How could she think so little of herself?

“You’re wrong.”

“What?”

I stroke her head and repeat myself. “You’re wrong. We do worship and adore you. You deserve it and so much more. But Tucker’s kiss didn’t crumble your wall; you let it down. Piece by piece, you’ve brought down that wall and let us in. I know because you’ve fortified it so well we could have huffed and puffed, and it would have still stood. Look how long Miller and Axel tried. You built your wall out of bricks, Dream Girl. The kiss with Tucker might have rattled your mortar, but you took it down.”

“I took it down?”

“You did.”

Spencer’s breathing increases as she considers my words. I begin to sway and hum—a small dance to redirect her focus. She can still think, but my words aren’t as deep as she’s making them out to be. I speak the truth and nothing else.

In the pale green gazebo, surrounded by the thick green trees, we dance. I hold her and forget about what lives outside these branches. Her feet shuffle with mine, and our back-and-forth sway now has a purpose. We slowly spin in a circle as I continue to hum. There’s no song in my head, just the notes flowing.

“Are you alright, Dream Girl?” I kiss the top of her head, and her body relaxes even more in mine.

“Yes. Are you?”

“How could I not be with you here in my arms?” Her moan of contentment lets me know she likes my answer.

“Lincoln?” I hmm, my response. “Make love to me.”

My breath hitches at her request. I’m the only one who hasn’t had her yet, and she’s asking me, no, she told me, to make love to her in the middle of these woods.

“Here?”

She pulls away and removes her white t-shirt. “Yes, here.”

She’s wearing the same shorts and sports bra she had on earlier, but paired with her words, they seem sexier.

“When I came out here looking for you, Nicole told me she was taking the kids inside and let me know that this gazebo was very private back here.” She turns behind her and flips a switch I hadn’t seen. Twinkling lights illuminate the underside of the roof and let off a soft glow. The sun has just started going down, so they aren’t very bright at the moment, but they soon will be.

“She told you that?”

“She did.”

Spencer crosses her arms over her chest and lifts off her sports bra. Her shorts come next, and this woman, whom I don’t deserve, stands gloriously naked in front of me. Her creamy white skin, lightly painted with freckles, starkly contrasts the greens around her. I’m struggling to breathe, looking at her. I feel frozen in place. This must be a dream, and I don’t want to move and wake up. Spencer, my Dream Girl, is standing before me, offering herself to me. I’ve been here before, in deep slumber, waking up fisting myself.

Spencer takes a step forward, and I wait for her to dematerialize as my alarm goes off. I’m afraid if I blink, she’ll disappear. But when petite fingers brush along the hem of my shirt and nails lightly scrape my sides as she lifts my shirt over my head, the soft breeze that sweeps around us when my shirt hits the floor is undeniable. She’s here, and she’s real.

I pull her into me, the feel of her pebbled nipples against my chest like razors to my skin. Her blue eyes blink up at me through her thick lashes. Her freckles seem to glow under the soft light. Everything about this woman enchants me, and here she is, offering herself to me.

“Are you sure?”

“Make love to me, Lincoln.” She steps away again and opens one of the benches. Inside, she pulls out a few outdoor pillows and a lush-looking quilt.

“I have so many questions for Nicole and Justin.” I take the blanket from her and lay it on the floor. I kick off my shoes and pants as Spencer lays back on the pillows, waiting.

“I don’t deserve you, Dream Girl.”

“Come show me how much you do .”

Lowering my body to hers, I want to begin everywhere. I want to taste and suck every part of her flesh, but right now isn’t about exploration; it’s about connection. I can worship her when we have more time, in a bed. It can be alone or with the guys; it doesn’t matter to me. Right now, all that matters is I convey to her how much she means to me. How much this relationship means to me, and most of all, how much her trust means everything.

Slowly, I lower my lips to hers and taste the world around us. The earthy smells permeate my senses. I dip my head to her neck and kiss my way down her body.

“Lincoln,” she whines as I dip my tongue into her belly button.

“Shhh, I have to get you ready.”

“I’m ready. I’m wet. Please, Lincoln. I need you.” I slide my hand between us, and she gasps as I run my fingers through her soaked lips.

“Is all this for me?” I circle her clit, and her yes is more of a moan than a word.

Grabbing the base of my cock, I line up. I’ve never had sex with a woman, without a condom. In my profession, all of our professions, you learn the hard way to just be safe and wrap it up. This gift she gives me of her body is more precious than she can understand.

“Are you sure?” That question asks so much in three simple words. Are you sure you want to do this without a condom? Are you sure you want to let me in your body? Are you ready to take our relationship to the next level? Are you ready to let me into your heart?

She may not understand the magnitude of that last one but, by the time we’re done, she will. Giving myself to her as much as she is giving herself to me. I’m all in.

“I have no doubts.” With her confirmation, I line myself up and slowly rotate my hips, pushing inside inch by painful inch. The pain isn’t physical. It isn’t even mental. The pain is my soul being split apart and remolded just for her.

When I’m fully inside, I stop and wait. The blood rushes through my ears, my arms want to give out, my heart runs a marathon, but all I feel is peace. Spencer stares up at me with eyes full of awe and contentment. She has the final piece of a puzzle in her hands. With our eyes locked, I slowly pull out, and as I push back in, the puzzle piece snaps into place.

“Lincoln…” she trails off, unable to put into words what I already know she’s feeling. The air around us heats as our bodies move together. I kiss her lips, her neck, the tops of her breasts, as we keep our rhythm steady.

My fingers continue to rub her clit, not because I’m trying to make her orgasm, because I need to keep hearing the moans and mewls of pleasure she’s making. But when I feel her legs quiver and her inner walls flutter, I’m excited that she might share that gift with me.

I kiss her neck and whisper all the words my heart wants to tell her.

“For years, I waited with anticipation every shift to hear your voice.”

“Your confidence and willingness to help people fills my heart.”

“Thank you for giving me the treasured gift of your body.”

When I feel like I’ve spilled out all of my truths and there’s only one left to say, her nails dig into my shoulders, her breath quickens, and her orgasm spasms around me. It’s not as intense as the ones I’ve seen her have, but her moans are longer and deeper as if this orgasm is more consuming than the others. And when I follow behind her a few minutes later, I feel it, too. It’s a release of energy and love.

I fucking love this woman. She should know. It’s unfair to hold it back.

“Dream Girl, I—” she covers my mouth with her hand.

“Not yet. Not like this. Not after a disagreement when you’re still buried inside me. Another time. Another day, when the sun is shining, and there are no monumental decisions or apologies. When I haven’t doubted my worth or spent twenty minutes digging gum out of Axel’s hair.”

“Okay. But know it’s true. Without words, please know. I’ll show you everyday with my actions. I don’t want there ever to be a minute that goes by where you doubt my feelings for you. You’re my Dream Girl.” I kiss her long and tenderly before pulling out. I use the t-shirt she was wearing to clean us and we slowly get dressed.

By the time we make our way up the path to the house, the sun is fully down, but strings of lights illuminate the trail. I wonder if this was here before or after Nicole.

When we walk in the door hand in hand, the crowd of assholes cheer for us. Even the kids join in because the adults are doing it. I take a deep bow, and Spencer freezes.

With a stiffened body, she turns to Justin. “Tell me there aren’t any cameras out there.” A smile slowly creeps up his face. Spencer’s grip on my hand tightens before Nicole smacks Justin across the chest.

“There is, but I turned them off when we came in. Whatever you did out there is safe.” Justin kisses Nicole, mumbling how not fun she is.

“Eww. Gross.”

Axel puts a hand on Katy’s shoulder, looking concerned. “What’s wrong?

“They almost made a sex tape out there.”

The adults scramble to cover tiny listening ears, but it’s too late. Hannah looks up at Justin with an inquisitive face. “Daddy, what a ses tape?”

“Escape. Aunt Spencer and Uncle Lincoln almost made an ESCAPE.”

“Oh, a sescape.” Hannah seems satisfied with Justin’s answer while Katy and Axel try to contain their laughter.

“Anyway…” Justin looks relieved. “Katy, what do you want to do for your birthday next week?”

“Birthday? Spencer, did you know it was her birthday next week?”

Katy looks around the room and shrugs. “Surprise?”