Page 5 of My Sweetest Agony

Nancy should have been my mother-in-law by now. She should be out on that dance floor with Drew in the beautiful silver gown she bought for the wedding, enjoying watching one of her sons get married. She shouldn’t be mourning his loss the same way I am, shouldn’t be grieving and asking questions that have no answers.

That sense of utter disbelief overwhelms me again, as it has every single day since Drew drove away and never came back.

Because none of it makes any sense.

He shouldn’t have been there.

He said he was going to the hospital, that they needed his help on a shift…

Marlo inhales deeply, the sound breaking the silence lingering on the line, and when she speaks, the raw emotion in her voice tells me she’s near tears even though she would never admit that to me. “I’m so happy you have her.”

I sniffle, wiping the snot from my nose. “I am, too.”

Nancy’s words earlier today bolstered what I’ve always felt since the moment I met the woman. That pure, unadulterated acceptance and love. The same her son always gave me. I may have lost him, but Nancy will never disappear from my life.

At least I can be grateful for that when everything else seems too pointless and bleak.

The sound of the speaker system at the greenhouse cuts through the line, announcing closing time.

Marlo jostles the phone again and says something to someone I can’t make out. “Hey, Ivy, I have to run. We’re closing, and I need to wrangle a few stragglers from the aisles.”

“Okay, goodnight.”

“Goodnight. Call me if you need me.” Her stern tone makes me smile, picturing that look she always gives anyone when she means business. “Really.”

I end the call, knowing I won’t pick up my phone again even if she does call. Not because I don’t appreciate her efforts; I just need to be alone with him. I’ve spent the four weeks since Andrew’s death trying to hold myself together. Attempting to be strong. Moving through each day and night with this emptiness threatening to consume me—a black hole that devours all light, all happiness, everything good and pure I once had.

Tonight, now that he’s home, I’m going to let it.

I need to allow myself to mourn what I was supposed to have. What today was supposed to be. Who I was supposed to be when I came back to this house—Mrs. Doctor Andrew Usher. Instead of what I am. Not even a widow, just…alone.

Thunder rumbles the house, close enough that the metal frame holding the photo of Drew and me that sits on the end table beside me actually vibrates against the wood slightly.

I reach out and take it with a trembling hand, brushing my fingers across my favorite picture of us—on the shore, with the sun shining down on us, the waves crashing in the background, and Drew lifting me and spinning me around.

The joy of that moment when I said, “yes,” radiates from the snapshot.

His dark hair disheveled in the wind. Bright-blue eyes filled with so much warmth and affection as he looks at me. A smile so wide the photo can barely capture all of it.

“Fuck…” I battle another sob. “Why the hell did you leave me?”

I’m never going to see his face again.

I’ll never experience the same happiness I had in his arms.

“Shit. Shit. Shit!”

I slide the picture face down onto the end table, then drop my head into my hands, rubbing the heels of my palms into my wet, swollen, painful eyes.

Thunder rolls again, and a shiver slides down my spine.

The storm hanging over the city doesn’t want to seem to let up, almost as if God Himself is mourning with me.

Maybe that should be a comfort, but I can’t find comfort in anything right now.

Still, I push to my bare feet and pad across the hardwood floors to the front door. Going outside to stand in the warm summer rain might help wash away some of this despair—even if only for a few moments.

And I need it.