Page 103 of My Sweetest Agony

He works his tense jaw, the conversation clearly getting under Cam’s skin. “Because you were already breaking after going to the shore. There was just no way I could do that to you. But I wasn’t about to let what happened that night ever happen again…until you showed up last night and you discovered the truth, until you knew what you were doing. For both of us.”

“What was I doing?”

The corners of his lips curl into a sad smile. “Opening the floodgate…”

Opening the floodgate…

It’s definitely a very good description of what happened both that night and in the last twelve hours.

Because Cam is a force of nature.

Dangerous. Brutal. Destructive. But also staggeringly beautiful in a dark way that threatens to consume me.

And I don’t know how to stop him from doing just that.

Or even if I want to stop it from happening.

“Promise me you’ll stop letting yourself get wrapped up in your head, Ivy.”

The plea in his voice, the strain of so deeply caring and not wanting to see me suffer, proves that he isn’t the horrible person he believes himself to be. His goal right now isn’t staking a claim on me, nor rubbing in the fact that he “had” me first. He’s worried about my memories of Drew and how he will stay with me for eternity. His focus is on ensuring I never forget that love.

Something I am desperately trying to do…

I’ve spent months wallowing in my grief over losing Drew, so allowing any other emotion seems like such a relief. And holding on to the anger at few for lying to me for so long rather than that pain is so much easier.

Cam told one lie. A really fucking big one. But Drew told years’ worth.

And that’s something I’m going to have to get past if I ever want to be able to concentrate on all that we did have that was real.

“I’ll try…”

“Good.” Cam glances out at the street through the massive window to our left. “It’s your day off, right?”

I nod. “Yeah.”

“I want to take you somewhere today.” His cheeks pinken with an almost embarrassed blush that I have never seen from him. “I want to show you something.”

“Okay…”

He pulls my hand into his, the warmth seeping into my skin, grounding me while it simultaneously sets my heart racing. “I want you to know me, really know me, and that’s hard for me to do with anyone. But you deserve it, Ivy.” His grip tightens. “You deserve so much more than I can give you…”

The pain lacing his words twists like a knife in my chest, and I squeeze his hand, pulling it closer to me. “Don’t talk like that.”

Cam’s lips tilt into a crooked half-smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “But it’s true.”

It may be.

And Cam may be fucked up in ways I can’t even begin to comprehend.

But I don’t think there’s any way that I can look at Cam and not see his many dimensions.

Like his paintings, there isn’t just black and white.

There are a thousand shades of gray in his art and in Camden Usher.

26

IVY