Page 34 of Mutual Obsession (Rivals of Blackthorn #2)

I don’t think I’ve ever felt as emotionally and mentally drained as I do right now, and even the small bloom of hope bubbling under the surface can’t seem to quell the ever-growing nerves.

Moving in with Jake was easy… I’ve been on the run for years, so I’m a bit of a pro when it comes to moving. The actual process wasn’t the hard part…it’s the worry over whether I’m doing the right thing. And I don’t just mean about living together.

Telling Miles and Jake about Gregg and The Count has most likely put them in danger. Even though the life they lead is dangerous, this is me personally adding to it, and I’m not sure I’ll cope if they get hurt because of me.

If that was the only thing I had to worry about, my brain might just be able to manage, but then there’s all the extra baggage around my feelings for both men. That’s the part that’s really scrambling my fucking mind.

Although Miles has agreed to help me and keep me safe, I still don’t know where I stand with him. We haven’t had an opportunity to talk about what happened between us.

Although he knows why I had to leave, I still owe him a big fucking apology for the way it played out. I guess, at some point, I’m going to have to pull on my big girl pants and get on with that conversation, but today is not that day. I’m too bloody drained to tackle that.

Today is the day I moved in with a guy I have a crush on, who also happens to have feelings for my ex, who I’m still in love with. There are fucking soap operas with less drama than my life right now.

After taking me to my new room, which is bigger than the flat I was staying in, Jake shows me around his apartment. It’s not lost on me that my room is in between his master bedroom, and the spare he’s allocated to Miles.

I’m not sure what I was expecting Jake’s apartment to look like, but this place far exceeds anything my imagination could have cooked up.

It’s fucking massive, for starters. The kitchen, living room, and dining room are all one large open-plan space, with bright walls and a floor-to-ceiling window, showing off the view.

Everything feels light and spacious, but there’s also a slightly homey feel to it. There are a few personal touches, like photographs of Jake with the people close to him, throughout various stages of his life. There are also things like a games console and poker chips that I expected to see.

“I redecorated recently,” Jake explains when we enter the living room. “When I was using, I didn’t exactly look after this place. So when I got sober, I wanted to make it a safe place for me, rather than a reminder of the binges.”

“It’s beautiful,” I tell him honestly, smiling as I look at a picture on the wall of Jacob and Chloe when they were small children.

“Why don’t you spend a little time unpacking and settling in, then tonight we can have a takeaway and watch a movie to celebrate you moving in?” He looks almost nervous, hoping I’m going to agree, and my heart melts.

“I’d like that,” I tell him.

The smile on Jake’s face almost makes me giggle. He’s practically bouncing as he says, “That’s great.”

We break away, each looking forward to what the evening may hold, but there’s so much going on in my mind. I try to distract myself as much as possible.

Unpacking doesn’t exactly take long when everything I own fits into a couple of cases. So I opt to read for a bit before taking a bath.

After a long soak in the tub, and a lot of outfit changes, I’m finally ready to go out into the living room to meet Jake. I settled on some black leggings and a baggy T-shirt, as I wanted to go for a casual look, as opposed to this being a date.

Still, I put on a bit of makeup and pull my long blonde hair into a messy bun that took far too long to perfect. To say I’m trying to look casual, like I’ve not made any effort, it took a long fucking time to get ready.

Jake is already waiting on the sofa, and I breathe a sigh of relief when I see he’s wearing black sweats and a tight white T-shirt, having also opted for the casual look.

His face lights up when he sees me, his lips tipping up into a smile that brings out his dimples. His chocolate eyes darken, as his gaze roams over my body, taking in the way my leggings cling to me like a second skin, showing off my curves.

“You look beautiful,” he says as he pulls me down onto the sofa beside him.

He points to the drink he’s already got for me that’s sitting on the side-table. I take a gulp, letting the Coke soothe my dry mouth. “Thank you,” I tell him when I’ve put it down.

“If you want to put any alcohol in it, you can, but I don’t keep any in the house,” he explains, his cheeks flushing a little as he drops his gaze down to his hands.

I reach over and take one of his hands in mine, giving it a reassuring squeeze, until he finally looks up and makes eye contact with me. “I won’t bring any alcohol into this house. You’re doing so well with your sobriety, and I won’t ever put that at risk.”

He lets out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

I shake my head as I say, “You don’t ever have to thank me for that.”

His bright smile lights up his face again, the embarrassment now long forgotten. “Well, thank you for joining me for pizza and movie night,” he says, shuffling on the sofa until he gets comfy, so I do the same.

We’re sitting right next to each other, our legs touching. Despite there being more than enough room on the sofa for us to spread out, neither of us wants that.

As soon as I think about all the extra room, Miles flashes in my mind, and I realise there’s more than enough space for him to join us too. That thought occupies my mind for far too long, and the words fly out before I have the chance to stop them, sounding like a shy whisper.

“Will Miles be coming?”

Jake winces at my question, shuffling uneasily. “I’ve asked him. He’s been busy with Marcus today.”

I haven’t seen Miles for the last two days, since we met for coffee and I told him everything. He said he’d consider moving in with us, but then he pretty much disappeared. I’ve not even seen him at the club either, which is very unusual.

I give Jake a small, tight smile. “You’re a terrible liar, Jake.”

“He really is with Marcus,” he rushes out, defending himself, before adding, “But I think he’s ignoring us too. Give him some time.”

I pause for a moment, wondering if I should say what’s on my mind. Jake must be able to tell I’m holding back as he raises his eyebrows in question, motioning with his hand for me to speak.

“I know he needs time before he can deal with me, and we’ll need to talk before we can even think about moving forward, but what about things with you and Miles?

After what you told me the other day, isn’t it you who has to work on things before anything can happen?

” I ask, hoping my question doesn’t offend him.

Jake lets out a long sigh, his bright face turning sad in an instant.

“If it was as simple as just following what I want, everything would be fine, but life isn’t that easy.

I have all of these conflicting thoughts and feelings running around my head, and most of them are the homophobic rantings of my parents, but it doesn’t make them any less real.

“There’s also the pressure they’re putting on me to marry and produce an heir, which gets more intense every year older I get. I simply can’t ignore those responsibilities.

“I also don’t know if I’m ready to start throwing around labels like gay or bisexual. Not when I’m not confident they even apply to me.” With each new statement, Jake’s voice gets more high-pitched and frantic, as panic overwhelms him.

I hold my hands up, like I’m directing him to slow down and stop. “Woah, breathe, Jake. Just calm down, okay?” I tell him, motioning for him to copy my breathing.

He focuses on pulling in a ragged breath, before letting it back out with a sigh. After a few deep breaths, he starts to calm down, and his once tense body relaxes. I give him a reassuring smile as I address the issues he raised.

“You’re massively overthinking this, Jake. You don’t need to use any sort of label. You can like women but still find Miles attractive. You don’t have to label it, you just have to know how you feel,” I tell him.

He lets out another sigh as he smirks at me, looking almost mischievous.

“I’ve known how I feel about Miles for years, but I’ve never been attracted to any other guys, which is why it’s so confusing.

If I tell people how I feel about him, the first thing they’ll ask is if I’m gay, bi, or experimenting, and I won’t know what the hell to say. ”

“Why do you have to say anything? You can just state that you like girls and Miles, and leave it at that,” I suggest, like it’s the most obvious answer in the world.

I know in reality, life isn’t that simple, and I wish I could make the world a better place for Jake, so conversations like this wouldn’t even be an issue.

“That won’t be good enough for some people,” Jake says with a huff, chewing on his bottom lip.

I shrug my shoulders. “They aren’t people you need in your life. But until you can face those questions, or answer them for yourself, I’m guessing Miles won’t want anything to do with you.”

Jake nods, looking a little sheepish as his cheeks flush. “He pretty much said the same thing when we kissed the other day.”

My eyes widen in shock. “You kissed?” I screech, sounding far too high-pitched. “When?”

Jake’s gaze drops to look at his hands again, no longer able to maintain eye contact with me, as the flush on his cheeks spreads down his neck. I’ve never seen him look this shy. It’s fucking adorable.

“After our date at the zoo,” he responds, barely above a whisper.

A chuckle slips out, as my smile grows, and Jake’s gaze snaps up to meet mine, looking more confused than ever. “So you ended our date by kissing someone else. That sure makes a girl feel special.” I make sure he can hear the humour and sarcasm in my voice.

Jake laughs at the joke, before shuffling nervously again, looking up at me with uncertainty. “Does it bother you that I kissed him?”

I pause for a moment, thinking about my response. I know what my initial reaction was, but I explore if there’s anything deeper I’m ignoring. I reply as honestly as I can.

“I thought maybe it would, that I might be jealous, but I’m not. It’s actually a little hot.” I don’t need to tell him about all the times I’ve fantasised about watching him and Miles kiss. Or the way my body heats at the thought of it.

Jake sees the way I shuffle on the sofa, trying to alleviate the ache in my core, as those thoughts turn my veins to lava, heating me up. His eyes darken as he leans closer, and I hold my breath in anticipation.

“I would have loved to end the date kissing you, but I didn’t know if you were ready for that,” he confesses, his voice deep and raspy, making him sound so fucking sexy.

I feel like I’m overheating as he watches my every movement, no doubt noticing the way my eyes darken with lust when he shuffles even closer, pressing his side against mine. My breath catches in my throat, and I don’t even want to think about how wet I am right now.

“I was ready. Maybe we should go with the phrase ‘better late than never’,” I tell him, my heart beating out of my chest as his smile tilts into a smug grin.

Jake keeps his beautiful chocolate eyes fixed on me as he moves slowly, giving me the chance to stop this at any point. When I don’t—as I’m not a fucking idiot—he closes the gap and kisses me gently.

As soon as his lips touch mine, heat blooms all over, coiling inside me as it screams for more. Unfortunately, Jake is trying to be courteous and respectful, and pulls away far too soon, not wanting to rush me, but I have other ideas.

He barely realises what’s happening before I jump on him, slamming my lips against his. I crawl onto his lap, straddling him with a knee on either side of his thighs, as I deepen the kiss. I slide my fingers into his dirty-blond hair, rocking my body against his as he devours me with his tongue.

His hands grip my hips, pulling me down onto him, whilst making sure I’m not going anywhere, as his lips claim me in the most fucking delicious way.

When I finally pull back, panting as I desperately try to drag in some much needed air, I keep my gaze firmly fixed on his. As I run my fingers through his hair, I let him see how much his kiss affected me.

“I like you, Jake, but you have to sort out this thing with Miles. I still love him, and that won’t ever change for me. I’m very open to the idea of sharing, but I won’t ever choose between you. So, if we do this, you have to go into it knowing I’ll be with Miles too, if he ever forgives me.”

I try to be as honest with him as I can, because if we stand any chance of this thing between us working, communication will be the key. That and a fuck load of forgiveness.

Jake nods, though there’s a shyness about him as he looks up at me through hooded lashes, his grip on my hips tightening almost possessively. “Would you leave me for him if he asked?”

I don’t even have to think about it, I shake my head straight away. “No. We’ve grown close over the last couple of weeks, and you’ve been there for me in ways I never expected. You mean a lot to me, Jake, and that won’t change.

“I can’t ever get back what I had with Miles, and that’s something I’ll have to live with, but I think we could find a new normal moving forward… Hopefully, with all three of us. If you and Miles decide not to be together, I understand that, but I still won’t choose between you.”

Jake rocks his hips, letting me feel just how much he approves of that idea, pulling a moan from my lips.

“If the new normal involves your hot little body pressed against me like this, I’m all fucking in,” he growls, pulling me down for another kiss.

Just like before, as soon as our lips meet, we lose ourselves in each other. Kissing, nipping, tasting… I roll my hips as Jake rocks against me, rubbing his hard length against my core in the perfect way, making me moan into his mouth.

We’re both so lost in each other, I almost fall off Jake’s lap in shock when a voice from the other side of the room startles us, forcing us to spring apart like teenagers who have been caught by their parents.

Miles is leaning against the doorframe, his eyes dark and sexy as he stares at us, looking like sin incarnate. His voice is deep and gravelly, dripping with sex when he says, “Looks like the party started without me.”