Page 67 of Mate

“I know it might seem like a difficult decision, but it’s for the best, Koen,” Xabier tells him. The rest of the Assembly nods with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

He feels as though the ground beneath his feet is no longer solid.

I DON’T KNOW,” AMANDA TELLS ME WHEN I ASK HER IF KOEN WILL be forced to step down.

“It’s not that simple,” Saul adds, sticking closer to her than he has in the last few weeks. They entered Koen’s cabin holding hands, or maybe it was an optical illusion. “They can’t demand that he steps down. They don’t have that kind of power. They’re not, like, our real fathers.”

Amanda stabs him with her eyes. “What they could say is that they are unwilling to stick with the Northwest.”

“Was it Anneke who told them? Is it because he kissed me in front of her?”

“It’s not just that,” Jorma explains, looking up from a ream of paperwork that’s thicker than my wrist. “Anneke, Xabier, and Conan were there when you were hurt. It left little doubt that Koen is emotionally compromised. This is less of a controlling body sanctioning a misbehaved child, and more of a conversation between adults regarding the future of the pack. Most likely, they’ll give him an ultimatum and ask that you leave the core. ”

“I’m sorry. I— ”

“Serena. Honey.” Saul gives me a square look. “You literally took a bullet for the Alpha of this pack. I’m going to need you to never apologize again. And yes, I’ll have another slice of that coffee cake.”

I feel obscenely guilty. I think about it for the rest of the day, through the steady stream of visitors whose names I barely remember, and hardly sleep overnight.

“That’s ideal,” Misery says, exchanging a mutually distrustful look with Twinkles.

Ana decided that if he wants, he should be allowed indoors, and who was I to tell her no?

Hopefully, Koen won’t mind that he’s fully moved into his room.

“Since I’m here. We can spend our time making fun of Were Alphas and the sticks up their asses together. ”

Koen doesn’t return until the following afternoon, when Ana is at the local airport with Amanda, waiting for Lowe to land. Misery is asleep in Koen’s closet, and I almost step on her when I go to steal another one of his hoodies. Clearly, it wasn’t just the Heat that made me partial to them.

Then, as I make toast to satisfy my newfound, ravenous appetite, a brilliant idea occurs to me.

The closet would be a spectacular hiding place. I can picture myself calmly talking this through with Koen. I could live under your bed. Have you heard of the concept of “dirty little secret”? Let’s be real, it’s not as though I love hanging out with people lately.

I press the toaster’s lever. Which won’t stay down.

I could hide in there with Twinkles. We could share some tasty bones.

Push.

Read. Sleep. Find some remote finance job and pull my weight.

Push.

I can’t be used against you if no one knows that I exist. So really, this is the best solution for all of us.

Push, push, push, push—

Two things happen in rapid succession. First, the spring mechanism in the toaster gives out. Then the door opens. When I whirl around, Koen is at the entrance. His eyes linger on my face for a moment, then flick to my fingers.

Which are still grasping the lever.

Which has fallen off.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I blurt out, feeling caught red-handed, even more than when Misery saw me draw hearts around Mr. Lumiere’s name.

Koen nods, closing the door behind him. He looks . . .

I want to throw myself at him. I want to bite his neck and squeeze him and inhale his scent so deep, it’ll never leave my lungs. Instead I take in his long-suffering expression and try not to flinch.

“I think your toaster is broken,” I inform him.

“You don’t say.”

“No, I mean— it was broken before .”

“Was it?” His gaze travels to a spot on the counter. I follow it, and . . .

Okay. Fine. The damn toaster wasn’t plugged in, and I have learned nothing. Cool. “You, um, might need a new one,” I say, with all the dignity I can muster. Which is appallingly little. “Because I’m a generous person, I will pay for it.”

“Will you.”

“Yeah. I’ll even go buy it at the store.” I hold out my hand. Why am I close to tears? “Give me the keys to your car.”

“You want to break that, too?”

I wince but stubbornly don’t retract my arm. Koen never gives over his car keys, but he does reach for my hand and pull me into him.

He has held me many times, but never like this— so close, it almost hurts, like he’s trying to swallow me inside his body.

“There’s always something with you, huh,” he mumbles, for the fifth or millionth time.

And for the fifth or millionth time, I melt into him and forget that there’s a whole shitty world out there.

“I’m sorry,” I say. It comes out muffled against his flannel.

“About what?”

“I don’t know. Everything?”

“Hmm.” The sound reverberates through me.

“The thing is, I don’t think any of what happened is for you to feel sorry for.

Aside from the toaster.” He picks me up, one arm under my knees, and carries me outside to sit us on a chair on his porch.

My head fits perfectly under his chin, my legs drape across his thighs, and this is a terrible idea. Anyone could see us.

But I’ll be gone in what, twenty-four hours? If it’s all going to shit anyway, let it go to shit while I’m in his lap.

“Can I tell you something?” I force myself to say before I lose the courage. “And it’s not . . . I’m not asking for anything. I just want you to know, because . . . I just think that maybe you’d enjoy knowing?”

His chin bumps against the crown of my head. A nod.

“I was wrong. When I said that you weren’t my mate, even if I was yours.

And I know what you’re thinking: ‘No, you idiot, you just fell in love with me like any regular person would, that’s what happens when two people who like each other spend time together,’ but this is .

. . more. I liked you from the very start, in a way that had never happened to me, and all these feelings .

. . I don’t think I have the words to explain, but I . . .”

His chest bounces under my ear. I pull back to find that he’s laughing silently.

“What?”

“Nothing.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m just glad you figured it out.”

“You mean, you knew?”

“Not for sure. But there were signs.”

“Oh.” I blink. “Really?”

“Serena, our first meeting sent you into Heat.”

I flush. “Well, we don’t know that. It could have been a coincidence.” He looks doubtful. “Seriously. Maybe Alex the IT guy sent me into Heat.”

“Yeah. Except, you couldn’t bear to be touched by anyone but me.” A smile plays at the corners of his eyes. “People without mates are much less discerning when they’re in that situation, believe me.”

“Oh.” I stare into the distance, then back at him. “So . . . you are my mate?”

“We might never know, since your biology is different from a full Were’s. I don’t care very much, because . . .”

“Because?”

“Because you’re perfect.”

I lower my eyes, feeling too full of . . . of everything to hold Koen’s gaze. “Well. I guess it doesn’t matter much. I didn’t tell you, because . . . I wasn’t trying to give you a reason to step down.”

“Good. Because I’m not stepping down.”

I swallow past the lump in my throat. It’s fine.

Better than fine, it’s exactly what I wanted.

Koen, staying with the Northwest. The right thing to do.

“Good,” I echo. I need to change the topic, before I beg him to do something he really shouldn’t.

“Were the huddle leaders fuckwaffles about . . . stuff?”

“No more than usual. They said that I’m emotionally compromised over you. Which is true.” His thumb traces my lower lip. “Has been true for a while, really.”

“Maybe. So you have— so you have feelings. Big deal.” I might be indignant on his behalf, which is ridiculous.

Koen doesn’t need me to protect him or advocate for him, and yet here I am.

“It changes nothing. Every single decision you have ever made has taken into consideration the good of the pack.”

“Yeah. They would agree with that.”

“Good. Because it’s bullshit. You can— you can be in love with someone and still be a fantastic Alpha.

The thing is, I love you, and mate or not, I wouldn’t love you half as much if you weren’t the kind of person who deserves it.

And one of the reasons you deserve it is that you care .

” My stupid eyes are leaking. And Koen . . .

Koen is failing, abysmally, to bite back a smile. “Everybody agrees with you, killer. Including the Assembly.”

“Good. They fucking better .”

“That’s why they rescinded the covenant.”

I don’t get it. Not at first. “What?”

“They know what happened. They know how you stood up to me. They know that I let you be our bait. They know that you saved my life. They said exactly what you said.” His hand runs through my hair.

His eyes follow its path. “That your presence doesn’t influence my ability to do my job. But I think they’re wrong.”

“Wrong?”

He nods. “I think it does affect me. I think you make me a better leader.” His smile widens. “You make my world better, for sure. And mate or not, I wouldn’t love you half as much if you weren’t the kind of person who deserves it.”

My own words, thrown back at me, and it’s like my entire life reorients.

The breeze, the trees, the grass, the moss, the seals, the waves— they stop, immobile, for a fraction of a moment.

Then they resume blowing, rustling, swishing, whispering, splashing, lapping, but in a slightly, enormously different way.

“Does it mean that . . . ?”

He nods.

“We can . . . ?”

“If you want to.”

“If I— ” My laugh is thick. Watery. “If I want to? Do you want to?”

He laughs, too. “Let me think about it.”

I lean forward and bite him on the jaw, hard. I feel his smile grow between my teeth. “So we can just . . . stay here? In this cabin? And I’ll find some job? And you’ll do your Alpha stuff? And we’ll . . . we’ll go for runs together? And be boring?”

“That sounds like a dream, actually.”

“And I’ll cook? And we’ll see Misery and Lowe? And you’ll build me more chairs and let me decorate the cabin?”

“Whatever you want, sweetheart.”

“And we’ll have Twinkles as our wolf dog who sometimes sleeps on our bed?”

“Is that why I nearly walked into a water bowl earlier?”

I nod. Burrow into him.

He sighs. Tightens his hold on me. “Such a fucking nuisance.”

I wonder why it took me until this very moment to realize that it’s been his way of saying I love you all along.