Page 45 of Mate

His nuisance. That’s what she is.

W HEN I WAKE UP THE FOLLOWING MORNING, AMANDA AND Saul are sitting at the kitchen table. Every single ingredient that one might need to make pancakes has been taken out of the cupboards and neatly laid on the counter. A few that one might not, too.

“Out of curiosity, at what point in the process do you think ketchup becomes involved?”

Saul shrugs. “For the stuffing, maybe?”

“Ah, yes. The famed pancake stuffing. That’s where the capers go, too?”

He nods so hard, I’m afraid his jaw will detach from the rest of his face.

“And remind me, the vinegar— ”

“Listen,” Amanda says bluntly. “As much as we love setting our alarms one hour earlier to come visit with Mommy and Daddy, if we knew how to make pancakes, we would not be here.”

I cock my head. “Am I Mommy in this scenario?”

“Or Daddy,” Saul offers. “You get to pick first, since you provide the pancakes.”

“Nice. I’ll take it.”

Twenty minutes later, when Mommy steps out of his room freshly showered and cleanly shaven, they are in the middle of a bitter argument.

“My editorial position,” Amanda is saying, not bothering to finish chewing, “is that it would be like shooting pure, undiluted moon in your veins. A super-soldier. Leviathan, but in space. And on steroids.”

“Baby . . . no. There’s no atmosphere up there. You’d just be a pincushion for radiation.”

“Weres on the moon?” Koen asks, walking up to me in the kitchen. He doesn’t look like he slept much.

I hand him a mug of coffee. “Yup.”

“Have they been over moonless planets yet?”

“Yes.”

“Can’t howl ’cause sound doesn’t carry?”

“Yes.”

“Pluto’s five moons?”

“Also yes.”

“The asphyxiation?”

“Just now.”

“Great. They must be about to wrap up.” He reaches for the sugar. I stop him with a hand on his wrist.

“Already in there.” It takes a moment for my fingers to let go, and another for him to glance away from the difference in our sizes. My paler, softer skin.

He leans back against the counter next to me, even though there are yards of surfaces for him to use.

He could even go sit with his seconds, who were there when he still thought potty jokes were the height of humor and have saved his life countless times.

He chooses to be here, though. Looks at me as he takes a sip, while Amanda and Saul’s bickering continues.

“A house divided,” I say. “Want pancakes?”

He shakes his head. “They’ve been working on a space Were book for years. The disagreements started early in the planning phase.”

“I didn’t know they write.”

“That’s because they don’t.”

I smile. He does, too, if only with his eyes. The discussion winds down, and Saul and Amanda stare at us, seeing who knows what. “Good morning.” Koen cheers in their direction with his mug. “I am overjoyed that you decided to deal with this pressing issue in my home.”

Amanda waves a forkful at him. “You can disapprove all you want, Alpha, but the matter is not yet settled.”

“Nevertheless, we will proceed with our day. Unless anyone has other important, fully theoretical matters to add to the agenda?”

“Actually.” I steeple my hands. “I’ve been wondering about something for a while. We are Weres, right?”

Encouraging nods.

“But why are we part wolves? Why are there no werebutterflies, or werecrabs? What’s so special about wolves ?”

Three pairs of eyes blink at me. Then Saul winces. “That’s just . . . weird, Serena.”

“How is it weirder than the moon thing?”

Amanda stands, grimacing like her stomach and her soul are equally upset. “Don’t. Just, don’t.”

“Wait. You guys, tell me how a Were on the moon is any more plausible than . . .”

But they’re gone.

I turn to Koen, who’s setting his mug down. He shakes his head, an expression that could be mock or real disappointment on his face, and follows his seconds outside.

KOEN NEEDS TO DRIVE BACK TO THE BORDER TO OVERSEE THE EXTRADITION of one of the Vampyres to Owen’s team but decides to drop me off at Layla’s on the way. Saul tails us in his car, listening to dubstep so loudly, Koen mutters something about brain tumors growing in his auditory cortex.

I should introduce Saul to Misery. Maybe meeting someone with the same terrible taste in music is the mirror she needs to rethink some life choices.

“I need a minute with you, before you go in,” Koen tells me, parking in front of Sem’s office.

I don’t like how grave and serious he sounds, stripped of the usual gruff, irascible facade. Then again, we have much to discuss. Preferably, while I’m not squirming in his lap. Last night was a moment out of time, but we’re back in it.

“Me too. I wanted to— ”

“Not here.”

“Oh?” I bite into my thumbnail.

“It’s a very small space, Serena, and you are . . . Your scent destroys my focus. It’s better if we’re not too alone.”

He leads me to the green area behind the building, past the playhouse that must have been installed for Sem’s youngest patients.

The breeze is lovely in my hair. I force myself to enjoy the fresh air, the faint scents of salt and moss, and not to dwell on the fact that the conversation about to happen is a losing game.

By my side, Koen is silent. I pick a white bench that’s still covered in droplets of dew and point at the spot next to me, but Koen ignores it.

Instead he stands, back to the east, the rising sun a halo around his head.

He is so handsome, I have to close my eyes against it.

And I like him so much, I’m going to have to close my heart, too.

But not yet.

“Can I . . . Is it okay if I start?” I ask. “I don’t want to . . . It’s important to me that I get to say this.”

In lieu of a reply, he drops down. Crouches till we’re eye to eye. And . . .

I really am absolutely gone over this man. Fully, irreparably lost.

“Two nights ago, and maybe even last night . . . I feel like I pressured you. I put you in the position of having to take care of me. Forced you to break a promise you made to your pack. And . . .”

“Serena.” He sighs. “You think I didn’t want it?”

“The thing is, I grew up with very little control of my life, of my choices, of my body, and maybe because of that, I’ve thought about things like consent and agency a lot. And . . .”

“I grew up sure that one day I would become Alpha, surrounded by people who knew that, too. I also thought about consent and agency. You understand what that meant for me, right? Knowing that the kids I played with felt a pull to do as I ordered? That any girl I wanted to ask out might feel a strong urge to say yes, just to make me happy?” I nod, and he continues.

“I get where you’re coming from, Serena.

But we are Weres. A different species, with different customs. Consent is a value we always uphold, but you’re my mate, and you were approaching Heat, which is a Were biological state that has no parallels in Human society.

It’s more complicated and nuanced than any theoretical scenario you thought through as a Human.

So give yourself some grace.” The corner of his mouth twitches.

“Maybe it’ll give me permission to grab some for myself, too. ”

“You never did anything wrong, though. I wanted you to . . . I needed you.”

“And I could have walked away at any moment, but I stayed. And . . . come on, killer. There was no need for me to do half of what I did. I had a choice, and I made it.”

I want to hang my head. Close my eyes. I want to forget what he said last night, pretend I don’t remember, but it feels so cruel. To leave him alone to deal with all this . . . This .

The burden should fall on both of us.

“It’s not fair. That they won’t allow you to— ” Fall in love. Have a family. A chance at happiness. A chance with me . “It’s inhumane.”

“Maybe it is.” He smiles, a little lopsided, like he has made peace with this.

“But we are not Human.” He stands, and I can no longer see his expression well.

Which, I suspect, is precisely the way he wants it.

Because after a pause in which he doesn’t take his eyes off me, he says, “My mother was the previous Alpha of the Northwest. And my father was her mate.”

My heart is in my throat. This is why he asked to talk. What he meant to tell me. So I fist my hands around the edge of the bench and listen.

“They met young. Teens. They said they knew it immediately, which I was always skeptical about. It was hard to imagine that you could find a person, and they’d instantly become everything.

That they’d take up all the space inside you and leave no room for doubt.

Of course, now . . .” He shrugs. Reaches forward to free a strand of hair stuck to my lips.

“I’ve changed my mind. But . . . Well, their bond was mutual.

They paired up, were ready for a life together— until the previous Alpha of the Northwest, who’d been a great leader for several decades, lost a challenge to some twenty-year-old piece of shit.

“Highly dominant Weres tend to have other traits, too. Not just strength, but also calm under duress, integrity, empathy. The new Alpha did not, and all of a sudden, the head of the pack was a jackass who couldn’t be trusted with slicing a meatloaf, let alone deciding how to maximize resource allocation.

Everyone was scared shitless. So, about two weeks into his leadership, my mother took him in the challenge and saved the day.

Except, she happened to be pregnant. With me. ”

I clench my teeth. “Was she allowed to . . . ?”

He shakes his head. “They call it ‘the celibacy covenant,’ but it’s a misnomer.

It puts all the focus on the sex, when what’s really forbidden to Alphas is to form bonds that might interfere with their ability to serve the pack.

An Alpha’s decisions should always benefit the Northwest. An Alpha’s family could serve as a tool of manipulation.

Therefore, an Alpha shouldn’t have one.”