Page 28 of Mate

He told her that he would never touch her because he didn’t want her enough; in truth, he will never touch her because he wants her too much. The make-believe, he thinks, was kinder to both of them.

I ’M STILL WORKING ON GRASPING THE IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT Amanda revealed, but she’s already doling out more.

“. . .not much has changed for him. Your presence, that’s throwing him off.

At least, I think so— Koen’s not really the type to walk around griping about the discontented state of his nuts.

And he never seemed affected by the covenant.

He’s been dealing with it for twenty years, but I doubt it was a burden to him.

I’ve never even seen him look at a woman, so— ”

“Why?”

“Excuse me?”

“Lowe is with Misery. I know that the Alpha of one of the New England packs has a mate. Was this rule made for Koen?”

Amanda massages her eyes. “It’s complicated.”

“How so?”

“The celibacy covenant used to be common practice in packs. The idea is that if a pack gives an Alpha absolute power over them, the Alpha should be able to guarantee that the well-being of the pack will be the most important thing for them. But if every decision needs to be made for the good of the pack— ”

“Other priorities are a threat,” I finish, starting to understand. “Like a partner. Or children.”

“Precisely,” she mumbles, frowning as she takes a sip of coffee.

“But you don’t agree?”

“I . . . In theory, it makes sense. But falling in love and establishing relationships are not necessarily things one can control. And that’s before throwing in the issue of biological mates.

Only a tiny percentage of us find one, but when we do .

. .” Her eyes lift to the clearing above us.

Koen and a pewter-gray wolf almost as large as he snarl at each other.

“It was a difficult rule. Not to mention, some Alphas would take the covenant but disregard it.”

“Secret vitamin D deficient family in the basement?”

“In the crawl space, in the attic. Depending on the soil type and the frost line, but yes, pretty much.” She snorts.

“The rule became obsolete. Some packs began ignoring it, others phased it out. But there were some hiccups.” Another sip, slower this time.

“Although, if you want my opinion . . . Well, you didn’t ask, so— ”

“I’d love to know it, though,” I hurry to say.

“In that case, prepare for a world-class harangue.” She turns.

Her knee bumps into mine. “Alphas are people. And people make mistakes. That’s why packs have systems of checks and balances.

We have an Assembly that can dispute the Alpha’s decisions if need be.

And rules are well and good, but all they can affect is behavior .

They cannot police something as personal and disorderly as a feeling , so— ” She stops, maybe realizing that she is, in fact, haranguing.

When she resumes, her tone is softer. “Seventy or so years ago, the rule was slowly being rolled back all over North America. The Midwest pack was at the forefront of that. And after a decade or so, the first reports of leaders taking advantage of their newfound freedom started bleeding through. An Alpha fucking his way through his own pack. Granting privileges in exchange for sex. Quid pro quo stuff.”

My stomach turns. “Did they stop him?”

“He was challenged and is currently fertilizing the world’s most rancid corncob.

But it felt like a cautionary tale. The Northwest decided to keep the celibacy covenant, and for the following decades, our Alphas seemed okay with it.

Not everyone wants to be sexually active or in a relationship, you know?

It was a problem for later.” Amanda chews at her lower lip. “And then later came.”

“Was that four decades ago? The Alpha before Koen?”

“A little less than that. But yeah.” She sets the mug down, as if she’ll need all her limbs for this.

“She was a fantastic Alpha. Also, she was in love and unapologetic about it. She asked the Assembly to rescind the covenant. According to my mother, at the time the Assembly was a crock of geezers whose main hobby was to shake their fists at the clouds. Or maybe they were just cautious. They studied every known case of Alpha misconduct, came up with a hundred scenarios in which revoking the covenant would lead to an asteroid shower extinguishing all aerobic life, and denied her.”

“Is that why the huddles seceded?”

“Yup. I was born within the core, that year. And the huddles . . . Even after the partitioning, most members’ instinct was still to unite under one Alpha.

The Assembly continued to exist as an entity, to ensure good relations among the huddles, which all formed a loose alliance.

And over the years, as new huddle leaders were elected, its composition changed to more progressive Weres, and .

. . the tide was shifting. It seemed certain that the pack would reunite soon enough.

” Her fingers tighten around the balustrade. “And then we were attacked.”

“Amanda, I— ”

“You’re sorry, I know.” She reaches out to me with a small smile. Clasps my upper arm through the fabric of my sweater. “I appreciate it, Serena.”

“I know it was the Humans, and I— ”

“What?” Her eyes round in surprise. “Who told you that?”

“Brenna.”

She rolls her eyes. “That’s not true, and such a bullshit read of what . . . Humans were involved, yes, but the true responsibility is with the Weres.”

“Wow, that’s both my species. What a coincidence.”

Amanda laughs. Squeezes me one last time before letting go.

“You’re no more to blame for this than I am.

Or Koen. He was fifteen, but he took over, neutralized the threat, convinced the huddles that we’d be stronger together.

And when the Assembly’s condition was to reintroduce the celibacy covenant . . .”

“He agreed.” I nod, ignoring the rocks in my stomach. Koen doesn’t need me feeling sorry for him.

“It’s kinda funny. I mean, Koen truly does whatever the fuck he wants. He hasn’t met a rule he didn’t love to break, but the covenant . . . he’s a stickler for that one.” A small shrug. “I’m just not sure that he cares to be, at the moment.”

I don’t get it, the weight settling on my chest. Koen is a powerful man with near-unlimited resources and the adoration of the masses. Some masses. He even has his own private fight club— the dream of every thirty-six-year-old teenaged man.

Except, being barred from relationships cannot be an easy decision to make, especially at fifteen. And . . . why did he not tell me? The first time we met, he informed me that I was his mate, but he never mentioned the covenant.

This conversation is not an invitation.

Even when I clumsily asked him out . . .

Like me, or don’t. I really couldn’t care less.

And last night . . .

I told you. I’m not interested.

He made it sound like he didn’t want to be with me. Never mentioned that he wasn’t allowed to.

“We were wondering . . .” A male voice interrupts my thoughts. When I glance up, Saul and Jorma are standing in front of the cabin, naked. I deliberately keep my eyes above their necks and try not to choke on my own breath. “Hey, guys.”

Saul grins. Winks at me, like one does. “Hey, honey. Jorma and I were in the area, to . . .”

“Take Koen’s beatings?” Amanda offers.

“Yeah, that. And we remembered that last night you mentioned how much you love to cook. So we figured you probably made something for breakfast today, and since it’s so hard to eyeball portions, you might have leftovers. Wouldn’t want it to go to waste, you know?”

I bite back a smile. “What would you guys like?”

“Oh, we don’t want to put you out. Just, if you have something you’re gonna toss anyway . . .”

I turn to Jorma, who’s high on directness and low on bullshit. “What would he like?”

“French toast, please,” Jorma says. “With a side of sausages.”

“You absolutely do not have to cook for these losers,” Amanda tells me. Then adds, “But if you do, please remember that I, too, did not have breakfast.”

I grin. “Come on in, then.”

Less than an hour later, my culinary ego has grown to the size of a quasar. From the window, I watch Jorma, Saul, and Amanda jump off Koen’s porch and shift into majestic wolves in midair. I follow their supple forms until they disappear. That’s when my phone rings with an unknown number.

In the past, I’d have eaten glass with gonorrhea smeared on it before picking up. However, because of my current high-reward social lifestyle, I have only two contacts: Misery— saved from memory— and Koen— preprogrammed. Which means that I’m not in a position to reject any unknown callers.

“It’s Juno,” the voice on the other end says, and I slump in relief. I don’t have the emotional strength to fend off financial fraud. “The Humans have gotten back to me about your DNA.”

I straighten. “Any news?”

“Yes and no.”

“Hit me.”

“As you know, the more distant the relation, the fewer the DNA segments shared, which decreases the likelihood of detecting— ”

“Juno,” I interrupt, amused.

“Yes?”

“It’s okay if you just tell me the findings.”

A pause. “I wouldn’t want you to think that I don’t trust you to understand the science behind— ”

“Feel free to condescend to me anytime.”

“In that case.” She takes a deep breath. “Your mother’s family seems to be from west of the Sawtooth Range.”

Sawtooth Range. Where have I heard of it? “Isn’t that part of the Rocky Mountains?”

“Correct.”

I visualize a map. Meaningless state lines that Humans drew up, splicing territories they haven’t visited in centuries. “Lakes area, right?”

“Correct,” she repeats.

“Borders with the . . . Midwest pack?”

Half a beat. “Actually, it’s closer to the eastern border of the Northwest territory.”

That would support Juno’s suspicion that my father was from here, too. “Is there a Human family member we could talk to?”

“The closest relatives we found were distant cousins. Not to mention . . .”