Page 45 of Love Is a War Song

“Four words, Avery. The. Graham. Norton. Show ,” Mom snapped. “I won’t let you throw it all away. I’m doing what’s best for you like I’ve always done.”

“As my manager or my mother?” I asked, glaring into her eyes.

“Why can’t it be both?”

“Harriett, she’s an adult. She can decide what she wants to do. She has been working so hard all her life.”

“And why is that, Mother?”

“I made mistakes and I am trying to atone for it. You sent back every check I mailed to you when she was a baby and then never gave me your new address. I couldn’t even reach you when my parents died.”

My mother’s eyes watered.

Lottie sat down on the armchair adjacent to the couch, sighing heavily.

“I never wanted you to repeat my mistakes. I took us to church. I was just trying to give you a better life and do better.”

“What does she mean?” I asked my mother.

“She hasn’t told you our sordid history the whole time you’ve been here?”

“I was never married to Harriett’s father.

We had a whirlwind romance one summer. He was the star of the rodeo, could tie down a calf faster than anyone I’d ever seen, to this day.

He wasn’t local. He said he loved me and went to compete in a rodeo in Texas.

He died. Had gotten drunk one night and his buddies urged him to try bull riding.

I was four months pregnant when the news of what happened reached me. ”

“What was his name?” I asked, sitting on the couch, reaching my hand out to her.

“Melvin.”

“You never learned his last name?”

“Oh, I know it, but you’ll laugh and this is a serious conversation.”

“What is it?” I looked to my mother.

“Duck,” she answered.

I blinked. “Melvin Duck. That doesn’t sound real.”

“It is. There are a lot of Ducks all around Oklahoma.” This tragedy couldn’t get worse. We were really Ducks and not Foxes? Avery Duck was a horrible stage name.

“So, when my mom got pregnant at eighteen, that scared you?”

“Of course. I wanted more for her. People were more forgiving of my situation because Melvin died, but there were whispers, judgment. She was so talented. The lead in all the school plays and musicals. I didn’t want that for her.”

“Who is my father, really?” I asked. I couldn’t believe she hooked up with some random person in a bar bathroom.

“Question of the century. She refused to answer before she left.”

“Because it doesn’t matter. He left. I told him I was pregnant, and he left.”

“Who was it?” Lottie and I both asked.

My mom bit her lip, before sighing in defeat. “Tanner Berry.”

“I knew it!” Lottie threw her hands up. “I would have pulled him by the ear back here. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I didn’t want to be forced to marry a man who wanted nothing to do with me or a baby.”

“Who was Tanner Berry?” I was so lost.

“He worked for me one summer. Came from Montana. He was nineteen. Had no business chasing your skirt.”

“It’s of no consequence now. You satisfied with your answers? Because we have to go. I still have to return the rental before we check into our flight. Niles sprung for first class for us, since we weren’t sure what would happen if you were recognized.”

Satisfied? Hardly. I was a Fox, a Duck, and a Berry. It didn’t seem real. Avery Berry was an even worse stage name.

“Is this why you don’t want me pursuing a relationship with Lucas?”

“Honey, what relationship could there be? You’ll forget about him in a month. We have you booked to make appearances. You’ll be so busy, you’ll eventually forget to call him, and then he will get resentful. It’s doomed before it could begin, even if you wanted to try. Just trust me.”

It was exactly what Lucas and I had been saying. The reality of the logistics. But I hated it. I didn’t want any of it to be right.

“Your mother is right. You both are still so young. Handling your commitments won’t take long. If you both can’t wait a month, then it would never work out anyway.” Lottie leaned back in her chair, drilling the side of her forehead with her pointer finger just like my mother. They were twins.

“When do we have to leave?” I asked, shoulders stooped in defeat.

“We need to hit the road in an hour.”

I nodded, getting up to go to my room. I wasn’t ready for my life to go back to how it was, but I had no choice. My label took a gamble signing me and this was a chance to prove to them that my song and my album were worth it.

The first thing I did was shower off the stickball game grime.

I went through the motions of everything else—toweling off, putting some clothes on, and throwing everything into the Rimowa luggage that I had once valued so much.

I zipped up the biggest trunk, smiling at the scuffs from when Lucas hurled them into the truck.

One by one, I carried them down the stairs.

My mother helped me load them into the trunk of the town car and the back seats.

When we were loaded, I had one last thing to do.

I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to everyone.

I borrowed the golf cart and booked it down the hill, barely shifting it into park when I came to the barn entrance.

“Lucas!” I yelled, running into the barn. “Lucas!”

“What’s the emergency?” Red came out holding a heavy bucket of carrots.

“I need to see Lucas. Is he here?”

“Nah, you just missed him. Didn’t you notice the truck was gone? He went to town.”

“Everything okay in here?” Davey walked into the barn. “The shouting is spooking the horses.”

“No, everything is not okay. I’m leaving. I came to say goodbye. I have to try to find him.” Tears streamed down my face.

“What about the fundraiser?” Davey asked. He sounded like a disappointed toddler.

“Lottie said she was selling. It was all wasted effort,” I said.

“Oh,” Red said. He set the bucket of carrots down.

“I’m sorry. I really wanted to help save this place. You are like family to me.”

“We aren’t like family, Miss Avery. We are family.”

I cried again and wrapped each of them in a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you guys.”

“You’ll still come to our wedding, right? Mary Beth is really looking forward to it. She’s told everyone you’re gonna perform there.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

I gave them each a kiss on the cheek in farewell. I walked out of the barn and stopped at the eastern paddock. Peso was standing at the gate, head hanging over it.

“Hey, pal.” I stroked his snout. “I’m gonna make sure Lottie keeps you and Rakko. Even if she sells the ranch, I’ll find stalls for you both. You’ve had a tough start, but this is your home and family.”

He chuffed and I kissed his nose. How far I had come from running scared of this creature after he tried to eat me bald. Now I was kissing his nose? I had really changed.

I hoped it was for the better.

I met my mother back at the car. “I’m driving,” I said as I brushed past her and settled into the driver’s seat.

“You never volunteer to drive.” She sounded confused as she belted herself into the passenger seat.

“I need to find Lucas.”

“Avery. How many times do I have to repeat myself? We don’t have time for this.”

“We can make time. I can’t leave without saying goodbye. I won’t do it.” I gave her my full attention, letting her see the seriousness in my eyes, my resolve.

She threw her hands in the air. “Fine. You have thirty minutes to drive around to try to find him and if we can’t, then we are heading straight for the airport.”

I nodded, shifted the car into drive, and peeled out of the gravel driveway.

Where would Lucas go? I hardly knew the town or where anything was. I went the only way I remembered, and that was to the grocery store.

“Keep your eyes peeled for a white truck,” I instructed my mother.

“This is Oklahoma. Nearly all the trucks are white.”

She had a fair point.

I drove on, scanning the roads and parking lots with no success. The clock was running out and I was stuck in this car with my mother.

“I know you think I was too harsh, but I have only ever done what I thought was best,” she said.

“For you or for me?” I asked.

“For us both. We are a team, you and me. It has only ever been us two against the world.”

“No, Mom. It hasn’t been that way for a while. I’ve just worked and done what you told me to do because it was easier. It’s too hard confiding in you or talking to you.”

“You have had one minor setback in your entire life, but look at you. You have a number one single in the UK. There is no way Grand Records will can your record now.”

“God, Mom. Listen to yourself.” Tears started welling in my eyes.

“Even now when I am trying to find the man I care deeply about to say goodbye, you are only talking about my career. You haven’t even stopped to ask me once if I was okay after meeting my family you hid from me.

Or if I was okay after hearing you lie to Lottie about my birth father and then hearing the truth.

You stopped being a mother years ago and have only been a manager.

” I slammed my hands on the wheel when we came to a stoplight.

I couldn’t find Lucas’s truck anywhere, and the thirty minutes was almost up.

“I’m sorry that me wanting to make sure you are provided for with a roof over your head and food in your belly made me harsher than you would have wanted. Sometimes we just don’t get what we want. You had what you needed.”

“What I need is a mom.”

She floundered, searching for words, then gave up. “We have to get to the airport now. I’m saying that as your mother and your manager. You can’t afford to lose this opportunity.”

The view in the side mirror was clear. I flicked the turn signal on and headed for the highway. The oppressive weight of failure pressed against my heart as I ended my search.

I had this one chance to fix my career and the victory felt hollow.