Page 31 of Love Beyond Reach (Morna’s Legacy #11)

J erry couldn’t believe it . His reaction, once Elspeth left us, was to deny its truth. He dressed and paced around the room murmuring words meant to comfort me.

“They are not back yet. She heard this through the word of others. Perhaps he is merely injured. He’ll be fine once he is home.”

I knew Father was gone. I could feel it—the lack of his energy in the world. While I’d tried to deny and ignore the feeling, I knew this was coming.

I felt nothing, only a cool numbness that slowed the movement in my mind.

I needed to see Alasdair. I needed to speak to him, to see if he was okay, to see what we would do now.

Both our lives had always revolved around our father.

What would our lives look like now? There would be much to take care of.

It surprised me how methodically my thinking became—so detached, so distant, as if I were an outsider sent here to help my family through this. I dressed slowly. I took my time pinning my hair and rinsing my face. When I was ready, I turned to Jerry and asked him to leave.

“I must find Alasdair. Go see to Mary and Kip. She will be devastated, and she will need extra help in whatever preparations must be made.”

He stared at me a long moment. I knew he was trying to gauge whether he should gather me in his arms to comfort me or do as I asked.

Crossing the room to him, I squeezed his hand like I would that of a child.

“I’m fine. We will speak of all of this later.”

I went in search of my brother.

M y cold feeling of detachment vanished the moment I found Alasdair sitting by the fire in the sitting room. It was as if I simply couldn’t allow the reality to set in until I was with him. It was a grief we were meant to share together.

As he stood, I ran to him, allowing him to gather me in his arms as we wept together.

I knew both of us had such complicated emotions regarding our father. But in the end, every negative thing I ever felt about him didn’t seem to matter. All I felt was love for him and a deep sense of loss that seemed as if it would never end.

“He died in his sleep, just like Grandmother.”

“He dinna seem ill. Though, I think mayhap he knew his death was near.”

His arms still wrapped protectively around me, Alasdair rubbed my back gently. “How do ye mean, lass?”

I told him of my last conversations with Father, of the tenderness he’d shown me, of the dread I felt when he left. When Alasdair spoke, his voice was filled with emotion.

“I canna tell ye how much peace it brings me to know that. I’ve always worried he would leave this earth filled with regret for how he treated ye. ’Tis a blessing that in the end he shared with ye how he really felt.”

I cried into my brother’s chest as we clung to each other. “If it would’ve been less painful, I think mayhap I would’ve preferred for him to stay unkind. Losing him feels as if it may rip me apart.”

“We shall both heal from this, lass. I will hold ye together, and yer faith in me will keep me strong, just as we have always done for one another.”

“How is Eoin?”

Alasdair sighed. I could feel the burden he was already beginning to bear. He would see everyone through this, be the pillar of strength for everyone in and around the castle. He would be the best laird Conall territory had ever seen.

“I doona know how much the wee lad understands. He will miss him dearly. He was the only person whom Father softened around. He spoiled Eoin immensely.”

Grief is so much more than the unbearable sense of loss. It throws you off course, makes everything seem so unsure.

“What do we do now, Alasdair?”

“First,” he paused and pulled away to look down at me, “we must discuss Henry.”

I felt guilty that he’d not crossed my mind before now.

“O’course. He must be dreadfully upset to have found him.”

“’Twas a terrible shock for him, though ’tis not what I meant.”

By the way Alasdair stared at me, I could see that he knew.

“I canna marry him.”

With understanding in his gaze, he nodded. “I know, lass. Elspeth told me how she found ye this morning. Ye love him, aye? I could see it in yer eyes when ye learned he’d returned.”

“Are ye angry?”

He looked confused. “Why would I be angry with ye? Jerry is a good man. If ye love him, ’tis all that matters to me.”

I couldn’t deny the relief I felt. Every problem Jerry and I struggled with last night was now gone. All we needed to worry about was finding a way to break my engagement to Henry. Would I take every problem back to have Father alive and well again? Of course, but that could never be.

“I do love him. Might we stay here at the castle once we are wed?”

“’Twould break my heart if ye left. Though I think it best if ye keep yer distance from Jerry until after Father’s burial. Henry will insist on remaining here until then. We will speak to Henry together after that.”

It wasn’t Alasdair’s duty to end things between Henry and me.

“I shall speak to him alone, but I will wait until afterwards.” I couldn’t bring myself to say burial.

Alasdair smiled in spite of his tears. “Morna, I have only one request if ye intend to live here.”

There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him. “Anything.”

“In time, ye must return to yer magic. I shall make Conall territory a place that is safe for ye to practice openly. Ye canna continue to deny who ye are.”

It seemed improper to feel such relief. I was free to marry Jerry, free to live in the home I knew and loved, free to learn and practice magic without fear of punishment. Why did the moment everything seemed to be falling into place have to be shared with such deep grief?