Page 19 of Look My Way (Bloody Desires #1)

I didn’t feel right taking your work for free. Not when you’ve poured so much of yourself onto each page. You should value yourself more. You’re worth way more than you realize.

Oh, and I’m on chapter five of Obey Me, and I can’t wait to see if Denver approaches the man who keeps following him when he’s finally close enough.

Is he going to admit he likes it, or pretend to be angry because of the expectations others have of him?

I sure hope he embraces it. No one should ever feel ashamed of what they want when it’s not hurting anyone.

Never. If anything, they should give in and let go the moment they feel safe enough.

See you soon,

Z

Balling the paper in my fist, I look up, and the shadowy figure is gone.

I check around the whole yard and come up empty-handed.

No one is hiding anywhere I look. I’m alone out here.

Bending down, I lift the money from the ground and pocket it along with the note.

When did he leave this? Was it when I was showing him my stones outside?

Was it tonight? Or was it after watching me fall apart against my window yesterday? Why am I wanting it to be all three?

Wait . . . it can’t have been the first one.

I didn’t give him that book until just before he left my house.

My skin vibrates, my cock twitching all over again.

I search the area around me one more time, looking for more notes as I shove my fingers into the dirt of every pot.

What more am I hoping to find? For him to say the person I’ve been seeing in my yard is real and that the only reason he knows is because it’s him?

Zavier isn’t some stalker. He’s not sneaking into my yard at night, hoping I’ll wake up while Daniel’s asleep to give him a show.

But what if he is? And what if I want to give in and let go for him every time?

What if he keeps reading my books because he wants to give me all I’ve been wanting from a man who will never oblige?

Does he think giving him those books is my way of choosing all this with him? I keep looking for him too and seeking him out, possibly cementing the idea more in his head.

“You’ll always get to with me.”

It’s not really happening. It can’t be. It would only be wrong if it was.

But since it’s all in my head, like Daniel would tell me it is, then there’s nothing to really be concerned about.

I don’t have a stalker and I’m not going behind my fiancé’s back or being deceitful.

Everything is as it should be, and how I choose to release some tension while letting my imagination go wild is my business.

I’m not hurting anyone by taking what I want, and I’ve never felt safer doing so.

Zavier said it was okay and there’s some reassurance in that.

I walk back into the house, following Daniel’s heavy breathing, and glance behind me at my empty back yard.

I was the only one out there, but I’m not alone in here, yet I feel lonelier than I did minutes ago.

I pull out Z’s note again and touch each of his words, my hand lingering on the ones at the very bottom.

See you soon.

My head throbs as I tinker with the tea kettle.

After minutes of fighting with it, the top finally unlatches.

My motor skills are hurting today, and everything I do is taking double the time.

I pour in the water, my eyes scanning the window before falling to the box left on my doorstep this morning with my new curtains.

As I wait for the water to heat on the stove, I carry the large box to the table, feeling like there are weights in my shoes.

Shoving my fingers under the tape, I tug at it but give up when it refuses to budge.

Grabbing a knife from the counter, my fingers tremble as I slice at the stubborn sticky plastic, and once the box is finally open, I remove the items I was so eager to get the day I ordered them—curtains, that once made me feel protected and secure.

But leaving them off helps me breathe better, and so does the ability to find that pair of glowing eyes at night.

The ones that tell me it’s okay to feel good and to want things others would crucify me for. Things I can always choose with him.

“Have you seen my watch?” An annoyed tone comes from behind me, reminding me Daniel will be here all day.

I’ve wanted that before, haven’t I? His long working hours are something we’ve argued about before.

How would it sound if I told him his presence is now a problem for me?

Because of him I can’t hear more of Zavier’s thoughts about the last chapter of my book he read.

I can’t go out into my garden and pretend he’s there while I touch places his hands have been.

“No,” I say, keeping my voice steady as I pull two mugs from the cabinet. “Maybe you left it in your car again.”

“Nah. I’ve looked everywhere and can’t find it. You sure you didn’t set it somewhere while cleaning? You know how particular you are about where everything goes.”

“I’m sure.” I fill a cup with hot water, dipping my tea bag halfway as I try to ignore his loud huffing around me.

“It’s not the only thing I’m missing. I had my badge last night and now I don’t. I need it for when I go back to work tomorrow.”

“Did you check your pockets?” My hand freezes halfway in the air, my fingers gripping the handle tighter.

“No . . . that’s a good idea, though.” Inching closer, he presses a kiss to my head.

“Thanks, baby. See what a good rest does for you? A lot better than what it’s doing for me right now.

” He chuckles, pulling back. “You mind checking the bedroom for me again in case I dropped it on the floor somewhere?”

“Sure.”

“Oh, and maybe outside.”

I freeze, my heart stopping. “When were you last outside?”

“Earlier this morning when I came out to grab some water. I saw the sliding door half open.”

Glancing behind me, I look at him again. I closed it last night, but like before, I left it unlocked. Almost as if a part of me really needed to know someone was indeed there.

“Oh look, your recipe box is still where you left it and hasn’t moved an inch.” He smiles, squeezing my shoulder on his way to the laundry room.

What did he say? There’s a sharp clawing at my throat when I try to swallow. When I face the window, my eyes bulge and my stomach flips. It’s back on the windowsill. It shouldn’t be there at all, but there it is in its rightful place after I’d shoved it under the sink.

I don’t bother asking him if he put it there, because I already know what the answer will be.

He’ll know as much about it as he does his missing watch and badge.

Downing the rest of my tea, I do as he asked and look in my room.

There’s no badge on the floor, near the dresser, on bathroom sink, or on the bed.

I check under it too, with no luck. When it’s time to look outside, I go out there with careful and slow steps.

No watch on either side of the glass sliding door or anywhere on the back patio. Nothing in the grass along the fence or in the center of the yard. I look on the table last, glancing into the pots without meaning to at first. No badge. But why would it be there? It wouldn’t, but a note could be.

Lowering myself to the ground, I run my fingers over the grass and dirt there too. My reflection in the glass table has me looking up, and it’s hard to turn away from the small smudge. My head slams against the glass as I try to get up, and I rub at the throbbing area as I crawl backwards.

With all the pent-up sexual frustration I’ve been carrying around every day, there should be way more than just a smudge.

It was dumb of me to leave the mess to begin with, but I figured I could scrub the table down while checking on my plants while Daniel was in the shower.

The hard surface is dry, lacking any kind of stickiness and it looks like .

. . someone wiped it for me. The smudge is from fingerprints, not my release.

It’s been completely cleaned off the glass.

I nearly trip on my own feet as I step backward, and I land against a hard body.

Large hands grab onto my shoulders and warm breath cascades over my ear.

Relief floods through me at my body’s reaction to melt against my fiancé.

I knew I could get it back. I knew I wasn’t imagining that feeling ever being there to begin with.

All those thoughts are shut down when the voice speaking doesn’t match Daniel’s.

“Easy, carino.”

Unable to speak, I jump forward and look back at the smiling handsome face behind me.

Man is he handsome too, in this non-conventional way, with intense eyes, hard distinctive lines on his face, and that fucking grin.

That grin has my heart racing in my chest the longer I look at it, and I almost lose myself, but I stop myself from feeling it with my own mouth just in time as I pause inches away from his face.

“Everything okay?” His eyes slant and his smile fades.

“Yeah . . . I . . . what are you doing here?”

Stretching out his neck, he’s grinning again. “I told you I’d be coming to drop off supplies the day before, or am I remembering wrong?”

Wooden boards are stacked where the boxes are supposed to go, and I shuffle in place, looking apologetic. “Right. You did. Sorry. Guess you just took me by surprise is all.”

“Yeah, the back gate was open, so I just let myself in. Hope that’s okay? I didn’t want to bother you in case you were sleeping.”

“No. It’s fine.”

“Alright.” He rests his hands behind his back. “Well, I’ll get out of your hair. Have a good rest of your day, and feel free to still let me know if you’re feeling up to a sub delivery later.” Lowering his face to mine, he smirks. “Oh, and that’s sandwiches by the way.”

My face heats and I scrub a hand over it. My mouth slowly opens as I think of the best way to respond, but I’m cut off before I can by a door creaking beside us.

“Did you fi—” Daniel stops talking the moment his eyes land on me and Zavier. “Oh, hi there. Did we get the days mixed up or something? Thought you were starting Monday.”

Rocking forward, Zavier clears his throat and smiles. “No, no, Monday is correct. I was just dropping off supplies. It’s something I do the day before a job to make things easier. I told your fiancé the other day but he must have forgotten. Sorry for the confusion.”

“Ah, I see.” Daniel’s tone changes to something lighter. “No harm done. And it is very much like him to forget something like that.”

I bite the inside of my cheeks and force out a quick laugh. “Yeah, very much like me.”

“Eh, we all forget every now and again. It’s my fault for not calling ahead to remind him.”

“That certainly would help. You have his number too, don’t you? Just in case I get wrapped up in something and can’t answer.”

“Yeah. I do. I’m going to head out now. I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

“Sounds good. Let me walk you out,” Daniel promptly offers. I can tell Zavier is fighting the urge to look at me one last time before following him into the house. The door shuts behind them minutes later and I sag against one of the chairs.

Tires screech against the pavement and the back door squeaks open again. “I’m guessing the badge wasn’t out here either?” Daniel’s voice is strained.

“Nope,” I say, quickly standing out of my seat. “You need me to help you look inside again?”

His nose flares and he shakes his head. “No. I’m thinking if it’s not here or in my car, it must be at the station somewhere.”

“Want to stop by there on the way to the farmer’s market?”

Oh, great. I know what that downturned-brow look means.

He’s not going with me after all. “I’m sorry, baby.

I really need to find my badge. I’ll make it up to you the next day I have off, I promise.

I’ll leave you some extra spending money on the entryway table so you can get all the honey and fruit you want, or whatever it is people buy at a farmer’s market. ”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

“I knew you would, because you’re such a good boy like that.”

He uses that word whenever he needs me to forgive him and not hold any of his fuck-ups against him. It’s a magic trick of his, and it only took one time of saying it for him to see how easily I complied and forgave everything he did at the drop of a hat.

He doesn’t realize he uses it wrong, but with how starved I’ve been to hear it, my mind gives him a pass.

I hum as he touches my cheek, and I hate how I still am, nodding and with my disappointment already leaving my expression.

It’s mostly because I think of Zavier touching me and saying, “He’ll be gone soon, and you can choose what you really want now. ”

“If I can’t find it, I’ll have to go through the process of putting in a request for a new one or see if there’s a spare in my locker.”

“So you might miss dinner too?”

His lips wrinkle and he kisses my nose. “I’m really sorry, baby. I’ll do my best to get back to you as soon as possible.”

Whenever he says this is when he gets home the latest. Is this really about his badge? He keeps looking at his phone, texting someone, and I can’t stop questioning whether this is nothing more than an excuse to be somewhere else. Somewhere he can’t tell me he’s going.

I want to care like before, but instead I walk him to his car and wave him off, my smile not at all forced as he drives away. The window lowers halfway and he blows me a kiss. “I can’t wait to hear all about your first time there when I get home. Love you.”

“Love you too,” I shout back, the words raw on my tongue.

I don’t go back inside until his car is no longer in sight, and I pick up my phone as I look over at a business card on the fridge, sending a message I shouldn’t.

Me: Instead of bringing me food, want to accompany me to the farmers market in two hours and we can grab food together afterward?

Unknown number: Sure. I’d love to.

Me: Great. Pick me up at eleven?

Unknown number: I’ll be there.

My phone buzzes again and the wrong name shows up.

Daniel: Looks like they need my help at the station with something, so I’ll be here a while.

Me: It’s okay. My editor wants to meet up anyway.

I guess we’re both coming up with reasons not to spend extra time together now.