Page 19 of Little Pieces of Light

Xander

I’m in big trouble.

Listening to Emery talk about her dreams and aspirations under the moonlight…

she was a pretty girl, but her inner beauty was almost physically painful to behold.

It transcended all standard conventions and became something else.

Something more. This girl possessed an intrinsic luminosity, the absolute magnitude of which was apparent only to me in that moment, sitting beside her.

Instead of reflecting another source of illumination, she was the illumination.

Stop. That way lies pain…

“The stars are so beautiful,” Emery said, breaking me from my thoughts. She peered at me from under the thick fringe of her bangs. “That’s your brand of physics. Stars and gravity and black holes.”

“Astrophysics, yes.”

Emery nodded. “Grant’s death was like a black hole opening in our family. All that light, just…gone.”

I nodded, my heart heavy for her. “I know it’s not the same thing, but I think of my mother leaving in similar terms. An impenetrable absence.”

Emery turned to me with a wan smile. “I love that—not what it is, but how you describe it.” Her hands twisted in her lap. “I think it’s worse for my brother, Jack. He was closer to Grant than I was.”

I waited while she watched the ocean swell and crash, over and over.

“Our parents had Grant, then seven years later had Jack, then me. Jack says he was insurance in case Grant didn’t do what my dad wanted and that they kept going until they got a girl.”

“That sounds…coldly pragmatic,” I said.

“For my dad, everyone is either an asset or commodity, a profit or a loss.” Her voice fell to a whisper. “Grant was a loss.”

“I’m so very sorry about Grant,” I said. “I could say it a million more times, and I know it wouldn’t help anything, but—”

“It helps that you say his name. We’re not allowed to say his name,” she whispered, as if afraid of being overheard. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “We’re not allowed to talk about him or tell stories or even look at photos.”

My hand rested near hers, and I fought the urge to touch her.

Seven years ago, she’d rested her head on my shoulder.

If she did that again, I would wrap my arms around her and hold her.

Even though I wasn’t allowed to. Even if it was the exact opposite of keeping my heart safe.

If I touched her now, I wouldn’t let go.

“Xander?”

I swallowed hard. “Yeah?”

Emery turned her face up to mine. “Do you think…?”

“What?”

“I was going to ask if you thought it was possible to break away from the ideas people have of you. The expectations?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Maybe it depends on one’s escape velocity.”

“What’s that?”

“In astrophysics, escape velocity is the minimum speed an object must achieve to break free from the gravitational pull of a planet or star.”

She nodded. “So maybe in real life, the velocity is how hard someone tries. The harder they try, the better the chance of breaking free.”

Emery was looking at me like she was asking for help. For someone to be on her fucking side and tell her she was luminous and alive, instead of stealing her light and making her doubt herself.

“I think that’s exactly right,” I said fiercely.

“But what if it’s not a planet or sun you’re trying to break free from? What if it’s a black hole that sucks all the light out of you? What then?”

“I think the person needs to keep trying,” I said in a low voice. “No matter what. So that their light never goes out.”

Her smile was beautiful and delicate, laced with tears she quickly blinked away. “There we go again, getting all deep and stuff.” She put her hand on mine. “Thank you.”

I swallowed hard, and before I could stop myself, my fingers entwined with hers.

The moment lingered. In this moonlight, Emery had a fragile beauty that belied the strength she had in her.

More than she even knew. I wanted to pluck it out and show her.

Because for all her hurt and doubt, her heart was still open, while mine was shut and locked.

But maybe…

Emery pressed her palm fully into mine, and without moving, I could feel myself lean into her and her into me. Her breath was warm and sweet—it would take nothing to close the short distance between us…

Male voices cut through the moment, ruining it. We snatched our hands back as Tucker and two of his buddies rounded the corner. One was Brent, the soon-to-be-former bow seat.

“Emery! There’s my baby doll. I’ve been looking all over for you. We’re going on a packy run, and we need someone to drive—” Tucker stopped short, blinking glassy eyes. “What’s going on?”

Emery seemed at a loss. “Oh. I was just… We were…”

“I’m tutoring Emery in calculus,” I said smoothly.

“Uh huh.” Tucker addressed Emery but his eyes were on me. “You never said anything about any tutoring, Em.”

“That’s because it’s not a big deal.” Emery got to her feet. “You know how my dad is about math. Xander’s going to help me.” She took his arm. “Let’s go.”

He didn’t move; her pushing at him was like pushing against a tree trunk.

Tucker pinned me with a hard, flat stare. “Now, hold on. There’s something about this little scene that I don’t like.”

I wondered if he really could see that there was something more going on, but Tucker was drunk, and his brain’s temporal lobe was likely overcrowded with all of the individual Bend kids he’d tormented over the years.

“It’s nothing ,” Emery was telling him.

He ignored her and took a step toward me. I stood up, gripping my beer bottle tightly. Tucker had three inches and thirty pounds on me—an uneven match-up without factoring in his buddies.

“I get that you’re tutoring my girlfriend, but what is happening right now? Like, under the stars and shit. The two of you all cozy on the bench.”

“Tucker, leave it,” Emery said.

“We just happened to run into each other,” I said. “We’re working out our tutoring schedule.”

“How complicated is a fucking schedule?”

“I wanted Emery to be prepared for some adjustments.” I smiled flatly. “My afternoons will change once I’m added to the crew.”

Brent’s eyes flared. “Fuck you, asshole! You’re not making shit—”

Tucker shoved Brent back, his eyes on me. “Pretty fucking cocky, Ford.”

I shrugged. “It’s just science.”

Emery let out a strange, sudden laugh, then swallowed it down. “Come on, Tucker. Let’s go.”

Tucker let himself be led away but leveled a finger at me. “I’m on to you, dude. Just know, I’m watching you.”

“Duly noted.”

As they walked off, Brent flipped me the bird.

I let out a shaky breath, my heart pounding for narrowly avoiding having the shit kicked out of me by a factor of three.

I would’ve lost, but I wouldn’t have gone down easily.

Not when Tucker and his meathead friends ruined what had almost been a perfect moment…

Then Emery glanced over her shoulder, her eyes soft and apologetic. She curled her finger at me, twice, and suddenly, the night didn’t feel so ruined.

Until I heard her scream.