Page 18 of Little Pieces of Light

I looked up to see Xander watching me with an intensity in his eyes that I couldn’t describe.

A feeling came with that gaze, like a channel from him to me, that made me feel heard.

And safe. The atmosphere I wanted to build for others, Xander was making it for me, right there on that bench under the moonlight.

With maximum effort, I tore my eyes away.

Because I couldn’t stay on this bench with him forever, just like I couldn’t stay at the park with him seven years ago.

I had to leave his warmth and return to the cold prison of my life.

Breaking free… My stomach twisted at the thought, so I pushed it away and put on a smile.

“Anyway, I’m going to design the senior prom and show them what I’m capable of. I’m hoping that once they see that it’s what I love and that maybe I’m good at it, they might give me a shot.”

“Emery—”

“Please, Xander,” I whispered. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Okay?”

Xander seemed to wrestle with his thoughts, then nodded. “Okay.”

After a few silent minutes, things grew easy between us again. Xander took a pull from his beer, which was still nearly full. He made a sour expression that was kind of adorable, scrunching his nose under his glasses.

I grinned. “Not a fan?”

“Not really, but I thought I’d give it a try, and now it’s warm.” He peered over his shoulder at the bonfire. “This is a public beach. How is everyone getting away with the underage drinking?”

“The cops know the tradition,” I said. “Certain families take care of them—financially—to ensure that we all get home safe. Just another perk of this totally-normal-but-not-normal school. Speaking of, how is that going? Even the AP-est of AP classes must be so easy for you.”

“It’s fine.”

I nudged him again. “Come on. Don’t start bullshitting me now. You must be so bored.”

“To be honest, yes. Imagine if you went back to first grade…” He shook his head. “Sorry, that sounds insulting—”

“ Xander . Stop apologizing for being smart. Tell me.”

“Okay, well, I had thought coming here—my Experiment, as I like to call it—would be good for me socially. And good for my dad, because it makes him happy to be here. But my brain is going a thousand miles an hour, and it’s all just…passing me by.”

“What is?”

“All that’s out there to be known.” Xander turned his head up to the sky, and I imagined he was encompassing the entire galaxy in his eyes, trying to make sense of it all. “I don’t like mystery.”

I frowned. “That seems weird for someone in your line of work.”

“I love working toward solving that which is mysterious, but I hate sitting in it, unprepared or…undefended. I want to measure and calculate and predict so that I’m never…”

“Never what?”

Xander turned to me. “Never caught off guard again.”

I nodded, hearing the day his mother left him behind his words.

“What about love?” I asked, not quite looking at him. Not quite sure why I asked in the first place.

“What about it?” he asked slowly.

“Love is mysterious and unpredictable. It can’t be measured, it just…is. It’s forever.”

“Not always,” Xander said, his expression growing dark.

“My father has told me a hundred times that my mother was ‘the one’ from the moment he saw her. Felt it in his bones, he said. And she still left him. She left me. A mother’s love is supposed to be a constant in the universe.

Unconditional. They lift cars and move mountains for their kids.

They’re not supposed to leave. They’re not supposed to say they’ll come back and then not come back. ”

“Like a broken promise,” I said softly, realizing he’d likely felt that too when he thought I’d been ignoring his letters.

Xander nodded. He seemed so sad, and I felt it in my own heart. As if I’d lost something too because he did.

“So you don’t believe in true love?”

“I don’t believe it’s forever,” he said. “I believe it exists in finite moments, not infinite waves.”

I met his eyes. “I used to think that way too until…”

“Until what?”

You came back.

My face flushed at the sudden, wild thought, and I had to look away.

“Well…my brother, for instance. Grant is gone, but my love for him is infinite. It’s never going to go away, even if he did.

” I brightened and nudged his arm again, steering us into safer territory.

“And anyway, isn’t it the not-knowing that makes it risky? And thrilling?”

He gave me a hesitant grin. “Are we talking about love or science?”

“Both.”

“In science, there is no greater thrill than a breakthrough. But love has only ever hurt.”

A heavy silence fell, where I itched to comfort him the way he comforted me. To send a wave of safety to him so he wouldn’t feel so alone either.

“Wow,” I said. “We always seem to get into stuff deep, don’t we?”

“Yeah, we do.”

“I’m just trying to keep your supersharp mind from being so bored. Is it working?”

“Yes, you’re very good at being interesting.”

I grinned. “I’m interesting ?”

He looked shy. “To say the least. Anyway, I signed up for this, so I shouldn’t complain. Plus, MIT is sending me course materials, and I’m doing Feynman equations in my spare time.”

“I’m not even going to ask what those are. And hey, you’re doing calculus with me.”

“That helps too.”

I suspected he was just saying that to make me feel better, but I took it. “Just doing my part to keep things interesting ,” I said with a smile. “But I hope being here isn’t a total bust.”

He smiled back. “It’s been…adequate.”

“What would it take to make it more than adequate?”

Xander’s gaze lingered on me a moment more, then settled on the ocean. “Ask me again another time.”

I frowned at his strange answer and huddled deeper into my sweatshirt as a sudden shiver ran through me, pleasant and tingly. The autumn wind bit at my skin but felt nice against my flushed cheeks.

For a while, neither of us spoke. The silence didn’t need filling.

We just sat together, watching the black waves, their white crests glowing under the silver moon.

It was perfect, and like that one day seven years ago, I felt safe with him.

I’d felt like I could tell him anything and his touch could keep me from harm. Now, though, Xander was nearly a man.

The moonlight etched his face in silver and shadow, showing off his features—his defined jaw, pointed nose, and full lips.

His eyes, though, with their blue and brown, framed by stylish square glasses, were the most beautiful part of his face.

His thick brown hair fell over his left eye, as if to hide the ways he stood out, just like he hid his genius: You’d notice eventually, but he’d never draw attention to it.

I’ll bet he’s smarter than I can imagine.

The thought sent a tingle through me, and I actually had to press my thighs together. I shifted, our hands brushed, and the sensation intensified. This was exactly how we’d been sitting together when we were ten…and exactly not.

Something more…

The warm, safe energy was still there but tinged with heat too. Electricity. Xander probably knew a name for how thick and buzzy the air suddenly felt, but I didn’t dare ask him.

I broke his heart, even if I didn’t mean to. And he’s too smart for me, anyway. I’d eventually bore him too. I belong with someone like Tucker. The Prom King and the Queen Bee. Ken and Barbie.

The thought made me sad down to my bones and killed the buzz instantly. Tucker was who my dad wanted for me. He would never let me have someone like Xander. A Bend kid—even a genius headed to MIT—wasn’t going to cut it. No connections, no wealth. Nothing to bring to the table.

Because while I saw all the ways Xander was rich in things that had nothing to do with money, my dad would only see that he wasn’t enough.