Page 5 of Leave Me Not: Nick & Elissa #2 (Badger Creek Duet #8)

5

NICK

I stop and take a deep breath.

This is not how I saw any of this playing out, not at all. But the longer I sat here staring at the pregnancy test and waiting for Elissa to come home, the more my brain was churning through all the stuff that happened today. The things my coach said and what that might mean, finding the test in Elissa’s bag, and then realizing she’d kept this from me.

But now, standing here with Lis crying in front of me, all I want to do is pull her into my arms and tell her it’s going to be okay.

I have no idea if it is, have no idea what any of this means, but I know I don’t want to fight with her. And I definitely don’t want this to turn into that day in the lodge four years ago when we both lost our temper and said things we didn’t mean; things I still regret to this day. We are so far from who we were back then. Fuck, I really thought we were in a good place, better than ever, even with the uncertainty of my future hanging over us.

Lis lets out a tiny sob, swiping angrily at the tears that are still streaming down her cheeks and it fucking breaks my heart that this is where we are right now. That she’s hurting this badly.

“Lis,” I moan, stepping forward and pulling her into my arms. “Babe, come here.”

She buries her face against my chest as her arms wrap around my waist, her sobs only getting louder. Dropping my face to her neck, I hold her close, one hand rubbing her back as she cries into my sweater. The two of us standing in the middle of the kitchen together.

“I’m sorry,” she eventually murmurs, her forehead resting against my chest. “I’m so sorry.”

My arms tighten around her as I turn my face into her neck, my eyes closing as I inhale deeply. I know this isn’t her, keeping something like this from me, that isn’t who Lis is and I can’t imagine this is how she saw any of this playing out either.

“I was scared to tell you,” she whispers, gripping my sweater. “I could barely believe it myself, and I…I just…” she trails off, the rest of her words cut off with another sob.

Pulling back, I cup her face in my hands, brushing her tears away with my thumbs. “I don’t ever want you to be scared to talk to me, Lis,” I whisper. “About anything.”

“I know,” she cries. “But this is huge, this is…”

I pull her against me again. “I know it is,” I say, dropping a kiss to the top of her head. “But you still should’ve told me.”

She nods against me. “I know. That’s why I’m here now, to tell you.”

I ease her back again, my hands on either side of her jaw. “When did you take the test?” I ask.

Lis swallows hard, her gaze dropping as she licks her lips. “In Phoenix.”

“When?” I repeat.

She looks up at me and I can see the fear and hurt and sadness in her eyes. “Christmas eve,” she whispers, not looking away.

Four days ago.

Four days ago, she took the test and she’s only now telling me.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, my hands still holding her face. “You’ve known for days, Lis. Why didn’t you?—”

“How could I, Nick?” she starts, cutting me off. “How could I tell you when it will change everything?” Her voice is loud in the silence of the house and when she moves to pull away from me, I let her.

I blow out a breath. “Um, because it’s my kid too and I deserve to know.”

“I know,” she exhales, holding a hand up. “I know, okay. I haven’t handled this the best and again, I’m sorry.” She starts to pace, one hand on her hip, the other scrubbing down her face. I can feel the tension radiating off her from where I stand.

“Lis,” I say, reaching for her. She stops as my fingers curl around her wrist, glancing back at me, her cheeks still wet with tears. “Can we talk about this without fighting? Please.”

She nods, sniffing and I slide my hand down, linking our fingers together before walking us into the living room where we both sit on the couch. I shuffle closer to her, dropping my arm around her shoulders.

“It’s not like I went out and bought it,” she starts. “I was getting towels from the cupboard at Nina’s, and it was just there.”

“But you must have thought it was a possibility?” I ask.

She looks up at me. “No, I legit thought I had the stomach flu that was going around. It was everyone else who thought it.”

“Everyone else?” I ask, confused. None of our friends even know we’re together, so why would they think Lis could be pregnant.

“Nina and Harper,” Lis clarifies. “Harper was just giving me shit, fishing for info on us, but Nina…” she trails off, wiping her cheeks. “She knows about us, obviously and when she was teasing me about falling asleep…”

“But they don’t know about…?” I ask, waving a hand in her direction, remembering Lis said no one in my family knows.

“No,” she replies, shaking her head. “But…” She blows out a breath, shaking her head as she continues, “I puked at work and accidentally blurted it out to a customer and, well, people heard it.”

“Fuck,” I mutter, knowing all too well how gossip spreads around here. I’m surprised I haven’t heard the news from someone already.

“Yeah, it’s not ideal, obviously and I did ask everyone to keep quiet, given I hadn’t told you yet.”

“So, you told them it’s mine?” I ask, again wondering why I haven’t heard from Max or Alex at this point. Nothing stays quiet at Badger Creek for long, and gossip especially runs rampant. Fuck, I can’t even imagine what Lis must have gone through when we broke up. I mean I wasn’t here, but it can’t have been good. It never is.

“No,” she says, shaking her head again as she gives me a wry smile. “I didn’t say anything about that, but I’m sure people will put things together.” She waves a hand at me, and I grab it, lifting it to my lips, pressing a kiss against her knuckles.

“I mean, just to clarify, I am the dad. Right?” I tease, desperate to lighten the situation a little.

Lis rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling, just a little. “Well, I’ll have to do the math, but?—”

“Hey,” I say, yanking her closer as I press my lips to her temple. “Don’t even joke about that, babe.”

Her smile disappears as she puts her hand on my cheek and whispers, “What the fuck are we going to do, Nick? I’ve messed up so badly.”

“Elissa,” I whisper, turning to kiss her palm. I can hear the sadness in her voice, and it breaks my heart. “ You haven’t messed up. Last I checked it kinda takes two of us for this to happen.”

She closes her eyes, her head dropping as she murmurs, “I swear it was an accident, I’m on the pill, I?—”

“Babe, I know you are,” I say, lifting her chin up, as I give her a smile. I really need her to know I don’t blame her for this.

“I was on antibiotics when you first came back. Strep throat,” she says with a shrug. “I think that’s probably how it happened.”

“So like…” I stop as I mentally do the math. I’ve been back in Badger Creek for nearly three months now and have pretty much been sleeping with Lis since that first day I came back here when she showed up at my house.

“Yeah,” she says, giving me a wry smile. “Maybe that first day, I don’t know.” She shrugs, sinking back into the couch, her head falling back as she closes her eyes.

I watch her, everything turning over and over in my head as my brain tries to process it all. I know this is big news and I know this is going to change everything, but as I sit here staring at Lis, the woman I thought I’d lost. The woman I have loved my entire life, there’s only one thing that is flashing loud and clear in my head.

One thing that matters above everything else.

We made a baby. We made a baby, before we were even back together and fuck me, if that isn’t a sign that all of this was totally meant to be and exactly right and basically the greatest thing ever.

I burst out laughing, unable to stop myself. Lis opens her eyes, hitting me with a look and it only makes me laugh harder as I reach over and pull her into my lap. I curl one arm around her shoulders as my other hand slides under her sweater to rest on her stomach.

“I fucking love you, Elissa Green,” I whisper, a huge grin on my face. “And holy shit, we’re having a baby. You and me.”

I lean in and kiss her hard as Lis’ hand moves to my chest and she gently eases me back. “Nick, wait.”

“What?” I ask, confused. “You are having it, right?” I ask, suddenly scared that maybe she was thinking about an alternate future. “Lis, you?—”

“Yes, I’m having it,” she says with a nod. “But, Nick, this is going to change everything.”

I breathe out a sigh of relief. “Yeah, I know, babe, but shit, we’re having a kid, that’s…fuck, it’s amazing!”

“But you don’t even want kids yet,” she wails, her hand still on my chest. “I’ve heard you say it to Max and Alex and with everything going on with skiing, I mean…fuck, Nick how can we possibly make this work.” She pauses, shaking her head a little. “Wait, shit, what happened with your coach today?” she now asks, as though she’s only just remembering about the meeting. I try to wave it away, like it doesn’t matter, but Lis continues. “Tell me what happened.”

“Well, he’s um, he’s actually here,” I say, pulling my hand from her stomach as I shove it through my hair.

“Here in Badger Creek?”

“Uh huh,” I confirm with a nod.

“And?”

I take a deep breath, letting it out slowly because I know exactly what she’s going to say when I tell her what the coach said. It doesn’t matter if it’s too early for me to be back on the slopes, as soon as I tell her he wants me to move back to Park City, she’s going to tell me to go.

And right now, that’s the last fucking thing I want to do. I mean yeah, skiing competitively is everything I’ve ever dreamed about, but so is a future with Lis. I thought I’d lost that once and it had almost killed me. And now that I have her back, I don’t ever want to let her go, because losing her for a second time honestly scares me more than not being able to ski again.

“Nick,” she prompts.

“He’s pushing for me to get back on skis,” I tell her.

“Really?” she asks, surprised, before quickly adding, “that’s awesome. See I knew it would all work out.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” I say.

“What do you mean?”

I shake my head, not even wanting to talk about this with everything else that’s going on. “Mandy doesn’t think I’m ready, neither does my surgeon. The team doc and the coach think I am. I’m not sure who to believe.”

“Yeah, but surely, they wouldn’t…” She pauses, her eyes searching my face like she knows there’s more, before she asks, “What else did he say?”

She’s still sitting in my lap and my arm tightens around her, because I really don’t want to be having this conversation. It feels way too close to the conversation we had years ago when Lis was telling me she couldn’t come with me to college, but that I should still go without her. We’ve been down that road before and it sucked and almost destroyed us. I do not want to go there again.

“Nick, what aren’t you telling me,” she asks, grabbing my chin so I can’t look away from her.

My eyes close as I shake my head, but her grip only tightens. Opening my eyes again, I say, “He wants me to move back to Park City.”

I see the fear flash across her face before she has a chance to hide it. But then she plasters on a smile, her hand falling to her lap as she says, “Nick, that’s great, really great. He must think you have a shot at being back on the team, right, he wouldn’t say?—”

“Lis don’t,” I say, cutting her off. “Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Don’t tell me to go.”

“Why, it’s what you want. It’s what you’ve been dreaming about.”

“So are you,” I say, my voice louder than I intend. I scrub a hand down my face, desperate for this not to turn into an argument. “How can I go now, Lis?” I whisper, my eyes meeting hers. “I’m gonna guess you won’t be coming with me, right?”

Lis gives me a sad smile because we both know what she’s going to say. “How can I?” she eventually whispers.

My eyes close as my head falls to her shoulder and I tighten my arms around her, pulling her close. I hate that we are back here again. That even though the circumstances have changed, we once again find ourselves back in the same situation we faced as teenagers. Wanting to be together, but everything else going against us.

Only to make everything a million times more complicated, I have no idea if I should be going back to Park City right now; if I’m even ready for it. Plus, how the hell can I leave when Lis is pregnant.

“We’ve really made a mess of things, haven’t we,” Lis whispers.

I lift my head, cupping her jaw as my thumb brushes along her cheekbone, so many emotions warring it out on her face, just like I imagine they are for me. I have no idea what to feel right now; surprised, happy, confused and scared.

I don’t want to lose Lis, that’s the only certainty I have. But almost as soon as I think that, I realize I also don’t want to not have this baby either. It might be unexpected and happening way earlier than we would have planned. But like so much of our relationship, just because things haven’t happened the way we thought they would, it doesn’t mean I don’t want it.

I do want this. Elissa and our baby.

“I love you, Lis,” I whisper, leaning in to kiss her as a wave of certainty washes over me. “We’re going to work this out.”

Lis opens her mouth to say something, but before she can, her words are cut off by the sound of the doorbell echoing through the house, followed by my phone chiming out with a text message.