Page 2 of Leave Me Not: Nick & Elissa #2 (Badger Creek Duet #8)

2

ELISSA

A s soon as I step foot in the house I call out for my mom, waiting to see her since the second I found out I’m pregnant. She feels like my safety, my home and my comfort, needing to tell her more than anything.

“Elissa!” she calls out, beaming when she sees me, this being the first holiday we’ve ever spent apart. “How was Arizona? How are Nick’s parents?” I hear her questions, but nothing leaves my mouth, only the strangled sob I’ve been holding in for the last few days.

“Mom,” I cry, nearly running to her and knocking her over as I throw my arms around her, sobbing against her shoulder. She has no idea what’s happening, but she doesn’t say a word, just holds me.

I have no idea how long we stand like this, my heart slamming against my chest, my eyes stinging with the burn of tears, but when we finally part, my mom’s eyes are filled with tears.

“What happened?” she now asks, her words quiet, a hesitation in her question. “Did you and Nick break up?”

I shake my head, wanting to unload everything on her, but it stays stuck, afraid to say any of it out loud.

“Then what happened?” she asks, thinking that Nick and I breaking up a second time would be the worst possible thing that could happen. She has no idea what I’m about to tell her, and how it will change all of our lives, Nick included. Really Nick more than anyone.

He wants to go back to the US team and have a future that has us traveling the world together. No one wants to travel the world with a baby in tow. I can’t even imagine doing this without my mom so the idea of leaving her isn’t something I can even comprehend now.

But ruining Nick’s future is not something I want to do either.

Standing here, staring at my mom, her eyes filled with tears, the panic on her face mirroring mine, I tell her, admitting out loud for the first time the news I’ve kept to myself. It’s news that I never thought I would be saying and even when it leaves my mouth, it feels fake.

“I’m pregnant.”

It echoes in the quiet stillness of the room, and even though I whispered it, afraid to say it too loudly, it feels like I screamed it.

“Oh, Elissa,” my mom whispers, pulling me in for a hug, holding me tightly as the tears spill from my eyes. This is not how my life is supposed to be. I’m supposed to travel with Nick, and he’s supposed to live out his dream of skiing.

I know what my mom is thinking too. I’m repeating what she did, something she always said she wished would never happen. She didn’t want me to be a single parent, and while she never said it was a mistake having me or that she regrets having me, it did hold her back from things like going to college. Sometimes I’m the one who regrets the things she missed out on.

“What did Nick say?” she now asks, walking us over to the couch to sit down. She takes my hand in hers and lets out a hard sigh.

“I didn’t tell him,” I admit, feeling the threat of tears sting my eyes again. I hate keeping this from him, but I never want to be the reason he has to give up on his dream. I know what it feels like to lose something you’ve worked so hard for, and I don’t ever want that for him.

“Elissa,” my mom spits out, not meaning for it to come out in a way that feels shameful, but holy shit it does. I get that it sounds so awful that I haven’t told him, but he has that meeting with his coach coming up and I don’t want him making decisions based on emotions.

“I can’t tell him, Mom, at least not right now. He has a meeting with his coach coming up and all he’s ever wanted is to get back on the team. I’m not going to be the one to keep him from that.” It all comes out in a rush, almost like I’m trying to convince myself that keeping it from him is the right thing to do.

“You need to tell him. He needs to know the truth so he can make the decision on what the right thing to do is. You don’t get to make that decision for him, Elissa,” my mom says, her words firm, and I know she’s right.

“Mom, what if I ruin everything? What if he leaves and never comes back? I didn’t mean for this to happen. I don’t even know how it happened,” I cry, my mind a mess of thoughts that I can’t bring myself to say out loud.

Losing Nick again might be the thing that finally does me in. Losing him last time was hard, but things are different now. We’re older and when he came home, it felt like fate, like the world was telling us we are meant to be together.

My mom smiles, letting out a small laugh. “Maybe that’s my fault,” she says, laughing a little more. “Did we not have enough discussions about how babies are made?”

“Mom!” I shriek, not seeing the humor in any of this. “It’s not a time for you to be joking. My life is a mess right now.”

She shakes her head, giving my hand a squeeze. “But is it really? You have a good job and a place to live, and whether or not Nick decides to go back to training for the Olympics, he’s not the kind of guy who will just disappear. Elissa, people travel for work all the time and have families. I think you’re underestimating how much Nick loves you.”

“But Mom,” I start, swallowing hard, the worry nearly consuming me, “what if he stays and regrets it?”

It’s my biggest fear in all of this. The what-ifs consume me, the constant worry that if I tell Nick, he will decide to stay, giving up everything he’s worked so hard for. This isn’t just a job, it’s a lifestyle, it’s Nick’s entire life. He’s spent years getting to this point, and I could derail the whole thing with a few simple words.

“It’s possible, but what if you don’t tell him and he finds out he has a kid from Max or Alex? Can you imagine how hurt he’s going to be? I can’t let you do that.” My mom pauses, taking in a hard breath. “Listen, your dad had no interest in having a kid, and I knew that, but I still told him. I left it up to him to make the decision. I was having you regardless of what he decided, but I knew he needed to know. Nick needs to know, Elissa.”

Every time she says my name it feels like I’m back to being ten years old and I’ve done something I wasn’t supposed to do. It hurts to hear what she has to say, but I came to her first because I knew she would be the voice of reason.

“I know I need to tell him, but I don’t ever want to be the reason he stays,” I admit, closing my eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay.

“Why?” my mom now asks, and her question is so simple yet so complicated all at the same time. “Maybe you need to think about why you’re putting his life ahead of yours. What makes it okay for you to give up your future, but not him?”

“Mom, seriously? My future is running the Badger Creek ski lodge. His is possibly having a career in skiing that could set him up for the rest of his life. How are we supposed to compromise on something like this?” I ask her, wanting her to just tell me what to do. I don’t want to have to make any decisions on any of this. It all feels like too much.

“You aren’t. It’s not a compromise. The compromise is that you’re having a kid and both of you need to give things up. It’s what happens when you have a kid.” She says it all matter-of-factly, not letting me carry on about it anymore.

“What did my dad give up?” I now ask, a sudden rush of anger filling the room, hating that I’m questioning my mom on her advice.

“He gave up having you in his life, Elissa. He wasn’t meant to be a parent, but I was, and I think I did a damn good job. You don’t get to be angry at me over this. You came to me for advice and I’m telling you to tell Nick. That’s it.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” I reply, resting my head on her shoulder. “I honestly have no idea how this even happened. I’m on the pill.”

“I know how it happened,” my mom chimes in, letting out a laugh again, and I swear I want to scream out loud at her thinking any of this is funny.

“Oh really, how’s that?” I quip, rolling my eyes.

“You were on antibiotics right around the time Nick came back. If I had to guess, I’d say you got pregnant that first night you saw him, which means?—”

“Oh my god, please stop analyzing when Nick and I had sex,” I say, interrupting her. “I don’t need you to be thinking about this.”

“What? You asked and I’m telling you. Remember you had strep throat after you covered for that kids group lesson? Antibiotics make birth control pills pretty much useless. They remind you to use a back-up method when taking them.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t having sex so a back-up method wasn’t even on my mind,” I tell her, and she laughs, shaking her head.

“Elissa, you’re telling me that you and Nick have not had sex and you somehow ended up pregnant?” The sarcasm in her voice is apparent, which now makes me laugh.

“No, I just meant that when the doctor told me to use a back-up method, I blew it off. I didn’t think I’d be having sex. It all kinda happened so quickly.”

“And now here you are pregnant and I’m going to be a grandma,” my mom says, and it sounds completely ridiculous.

“Well, shit, you are going to be a grandma. That sounds really weird.” I clench my teeth, thinking about my mom as someone’s grandma. She doesn’t feel old enough, but it’s not like I’m seventeen, and even though I’m still struggling with how to tell Nick, I do feel a little better.

“You just spent Christmas with Nick’s parents and they’re now grandparents.” My mom holds up her hands as if to say it’s not impossible, and she’s right, it’s not.

“Is it okay if I stay here tonight?” I now ask, not wanting to stay with Nick, needing a little more time to myself to process everything.

“This is still your house too. You can stay here as long as you want. We have room for you and the baby, you know that,” she tells me, and I lean over to hug her.

“Thank you, Mom for being here for me even when I’m a jerk to you,” I say, sniffing back the tears. “I’m sorry that I got mad.”

“It’s okay, your payback is coming soon,” she jokes, resting her hand on my stomach. “This kid is part of you and Nick, there’s no getting away from the fact that it’s going to be a handful.”

“Thanks for that reminder. I remember my teenage years, so if this kid is a girl, I’m so screwed,” I reply, covering my face with my hands. “I owe you.”

“I know you do, and I plan to feed your kid Oreo cookies and root beer right before bed as payback,” she jokes, making us both laugh.

It feels weird to be here in my bedroom after spending so much time at Nick’s parents’ house and then our trip to Arizona. But it also feels good. It feels comfortable and safe, giving me the much-needed time to think this all through.

As much as I want to be excited, I’m still so scared of what the future holds. I lay here in bed, letting my mind wander to a million different scenarios, some of them good, some of them not so good, but in the end, I still come back to needing to tell Nick.

I kept the pregnancy test, wrapping it in my dirty clothes and stuffing it into the suitcase. I have no idea why I kept it, but a part of me thinks it could be fun to surprise Nick. Maybe I’m missing the excitement in this and making it into something bad when it’s not.

But then I think about all the comments he’s made over the past few weeks about having kids and not wanting them just yet. Surprising him with a pregnancy test and a bunch of blue and pink balloons feels like a bad idea. It feels more like a punch in the gut.

I shake my head, clearing my thoughts as I reach over and grab my phone from the nightstand. Texting Nick, I let him know that I plan to stay here tonight, but even that feels shitty. I can’t keep this from him much longer without it seeming like I’ve done it on purpose.

I just wish that his meeting with his coach was done already so that I had more of an idea about what is happening with his skiing career. Even as I think this, I know it won’t make any of this easier, if anything, it could make it so much harder.