Page 7 of Knot Our Reality (Heated #5)

Sasha is on the shorter side for alphas, standing at only 5’9”, but it’s one of the things that made him such an amazing ballet dancer. His dirty blond hair is spiked up, and I know he has ice-blue eyes. Why? Because I’ve always had a crush on him—another thing I shared with Ryan.

“Hello, Emilia.” Even in those two words, Sasha’s Russian accent is obvious. “It is nice meet you.”

I gape at him, my mouth moving up and down, but no words coming out as hints of leather and vanilla reach me.

Sasha’s smile only grows. “Do not tell me you are big of fan as Remington.”

All I can do is nod, still unable to speak. What the hell is wrong with me?

“Then I can assume you know who I am. I am no longer dancing but training to run company when owner retires next year. I am alpha and thirty-six. I was on first season of Heated with Bree until I had to leave unexpectedly.”

I nod again, feeling like an idiot. “My beta and I loved going to your shows,” I blurt, flushing and wondering if I can die from embarrassment. Now would be a good time to do so if I can.

Sasha’s smile falls away as he nods. “From your first pack?”

“Yes,” I admit, eyes falling shut as guilt hits me square in the gut and pain rushes through me once again. Tears prickle beneath my lids, and I fight against them.

“It is okay to speak of them,” he says softly. “You loved them. They were yours. They were big part of your life for a long time.”

There’s no fighting the tears as I blink my eyes open to meet his gaze. “I’ve found most men don’t like it when you discuss past lovers.”

Sasha scoffs. “Then they not real men. We all have past. If we hide that from one another, then we not show how they have changed us.”

I hold my breath, fighting against the sobs trying to rise from my chest.

I cannot fall apart on national television—not again. Not when meeting a suitor .

“Oh, kotyonok .” Sasha’s voice is soft as he pulls me into his arms. I have no idea what he just called me, but I like it. “Let it out. Let it go. It does no good to keep inside.”

I open my mouth to tell him I’m fine, but a wail spills from me instead. My body shakes as my sobs escape, my tears falling harder as I cling to this stranger.

Why am I allowing him to hold me while I cry over what I lost?

No, the better question is why am I clinging to him when I cry over the men I love and lost?

Why is he allowing it?

I’m a mess.

I don’t know how long we stand there, my tears soaking his tux as he whispers to me. Half of what he says is in Russian, so I don’t understand it, but it still helps settle me.

“Damn it,” I say as I pull back. “I’m not supposed to cry on people when I first meet them.”

“Or maybe that’s exactly what you should do.” Sasha grins. “You have been holding pain inside of you for too long. If this is what you need, then I am happy I was here. Do you want to tell me about your beta? What was his name?”

“Ryan,” I answer out of habit before shaking my head. “No. I should be getting to know you, not speaking about him.”

“Says who?” he asks with a frown. “You smile when you speak of him. I want to see you smile more, so you speak of him. Talking about him lets me get to know you .”

I want to argue with him, but I think it’s just out of habit. “What do you want to know?”

“Start with telling me about your shared love of ballet.”

“No one was more surprised than me that Ryan loved ballet. He was one of those betas who was the size of an alpha. He was a jock—on the football, hockey, and lacrosse teams. I honestly thought he was an alpha when I met him. He might have liked sports, but he loved all the things he wasn’t supposed to—ballet, the opera, getting his nails done.

If it was supposed to be a ‘girlie’ thing, he loved it.

He looked hard on the outside, but he loved all the soft things. He would’ve been a good omega.”

Sasha nods. “You liked his contradictions.”

I consider him for a moment before nodding. “I did. I liked that he looked like one thing but was something completely different. He was the one I fell in love with first.”

“Of course you did. I bet he was on you like…how does that saying go? On you like white on rice?”

I throw my head back as laughter spills from me—something that seems to please Sasha.

“Yes, he was.” I agree, and my eyes catch Reginald.

I’m not surprised to realize our time is over.

“I’m a little mad that you convinced me to talk about Ryan, since it means I didn’t learn about you, but I’m also grateful.

I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to think of the good times because it was overshadowed by their deaths. ”

Sasha hums. “You were grieving. No one can blame you for this. It will get easier each time you speak of them.”

“It sounds like you know from experience.”

He shrugs but says nothing, and I’m not going to press him on it. We’re all allowed to keep things to ourselves.

It’s what I expected I’d be doing with my suitors, but I’ve been proven wrong multiple times already today.

“That’s the end of our time,” I tell him sadly, realizing I never asked him about my kids. “We should join the others so we can get dinner, but before that, I have a question for you.”

“Okay.”

I can practically feel Reginald glaring at me. “I’ve asked the first three suitors, and I plan to ask each and every one of you. I know you’re aware of what’s brought me here today, but you agreed to come onto the show knowing I was pregnant and already had two kids. Why?”

It might not be the exact question I asked each of them, but even in their differences, they’re all asking the same thing in the end.

“You worry about how your children will be treated.” Sasha doesn’t pose it as a question.

“As you should. Do you know what I wish for the most? A family of my own—children, brothers, lovers, sisters. I care not. I want a family, so I will never be alone. A family I can love. A family I grow old with. If I am your alpha, I am parent to your children because they are mine. Does not matter they were not born of me.”

I lick my lips, a sensation starting in my lower belly I haven’t felt in a long time. One I didn’t expect to feel ever again, and that I’m not sure I can allow myself to feel again.

Attraction—a soul-deep desire not to just bed this man but to have him in my life.

Sasha is the exact opposite of who I planned to be in my new pack.

He’s trouble, and I should stay away.

But when he takes my hand in his and leads me toward my other day one suitors, I allow him to.

No, more than that—I cling to him.

I’m so fucked.

“Are you alright, Emilia?” Lee asks as we approach, worry on his face as he watches me.

I nod, forcing a smile because what else can I do?

My emotions are turbulent inside me, and I don’t know how to even begin working through them. So, as always, I’ll fake it until I make it.

“This entire experience is going to be emotional,” I admit. “More than I thought, but I’m okay. Although I’m starving, so I think we should go eat.”

Bree claps her hands. “You heard the omega. It’s dinnertime!”

She and Tessa head up the pathway, but my suitors don’t immediately follow them. Instead, each of them watches me as if they don’t understand me, and I’m sure they don’t.

Hell, I don’t understand myself or what’s going on with me. I can’t expect them to if I can’t.

Bradley is the first to follow them, inclining his head toward me before leaving. Malik looks like he wants to say something, but ends up snapping his mouth shut before trailing behind Bradley .

I can tell Lee doesn’t believe my words, but instead of pushing me, he offers me his arm, and I take it with my free one. Sasha is still holding my other hand and seems to be in no hurry to release it.

I shouldn’t be holding his hand at all, and I definitely shouldn’t be letting it go on this long, but I can’t help myself.

Feeling more comfortable than I should, I allow both alphas to lead me up the walkway and into the house.

After dinner, I’m going to need to take some time to get my head screwed on straight. I’m obviously not thinking clearly since meeting my suitors. I’m going to need a new game plan to make sure I don’t allow myself to get swept up in their kindness.

Because that’s all this is.

They feel sorry for me and the situation I’m in. That’s the only reason they’re here, and it’s all I want from them.

I ignore the tiny voice in my head that calls me a liar.