Page 31 of Knot Our Reality (Heated #5)

Emilia

T rudging down to the basement, I’m trying to gear myself up for my session with Finn. We had one session when I arrived at the compound, but this is only the second time I’m meeting with him.

I know having him here made a world of difference for Remington, and I have nothing against therapy or counseling.

I went for a few months after I lost my pack—once I was able to drag myself out of bed—but it didn’t help at all.

That’s when I decided to just bury it all so I could be there for my boys.

That it’s required, at least for now, is what has me rebelling against it. I hate being told I have to do something.

But that’s just me being a brat. I assured Remington I would give Finn a chance.

He’s a super nice guy, and I have no problem listening to him talk. The problem is, he wants me to talk about my pack and losing them. He wants me to bring up emotions I’ve long buried, and I know that’s going to hurt.

I also know I need to do it. Being here now and having met all sixteen of my suitors, I know there’s no chance in hell of keeping this just friends who are a pack of the same pack. That means I need to figure out how to deal with losing my first pack and allowing myself to move on.

It won’t be easy, and it’s going to be miserable, but I need to do this. For myself, for my boys, and for the suitors who want to be a part of my pack .

I knock on the door, and it opens moments later to reveal a grinning Finn.

Finnegan Abernathy was one of Bree’s suitors on Heated’s premiere season. I remember him from the first season because Remington was so sad to see him leave. His mom was dying, and he had to leave to say goodbye to her. While back in Scotland, he met his pack—apparently Americans.

From the way Bree tells it, as soon as she found out he was no longer single, she reached out so she could hire him, so there would be a psychologist on hand while the show is filming.

“Good evening, Emilia.” Finn steps back, waving for me to come in. He closes the door behind me and takes a step toward the sitting area before pausing. “Still more comfortable sitting on the couch?”

“I am. Thank you.” I hurry over to said couch, pulling the fuzzy blanket over my shoulders, then grabbing the matching pillow to rest in my lap.

My hands run over the pillow, enjoying the soft material.

It’s not something I’d want in my nest because it would be destroyed in a heat, but I love them for everyday cuddling.

Finn settles into the armchair across from the couch before speaking up again. “So, how did it go? Meeting your suitors and the dates, I mean.”

I glance down at my lap, picking at the pillow, and refusing to meet his eyes. “Most of it was good, I guess.”

“I already know about Daniel. We can talk about that if you want, but I’d say it’s a good thing he’s gone.”

“Oh, yeah. No, I don’t need to talk about that. I’m fine with it.” I wrinkle my nose. “Some people are just assholes. I should be lucky there was only one of them out of the sixteen suitors.”

He hums. “And you’re still feeling okay about Pack Astor having to pull out?”

“Of course. I’m happy for them. Who wouldn’t want to find their omega pair?” I sigh, finally glancing up at him. “Like I might have.”

“Ahhhh, is there where you want to start? ”

I shake my head. “No. Let’s wait on that. You know, I came into this expecting to handle it like a business deal?”

He chuckles. “I’m well aware. How did that work out for you?”

I glare at him. “About as well as you think it did, but are you supposed to laugh at clients like that?”

“Why not? Sometimes they need to be laughed at.” He’s so lucky I like listening to him talk. Anyone else, I would’ve bitten their head off already. “I figured this would be a conversation we’d have. Tell me about why you felt you needed to do that, and why you don’t think it’s possible anymore.”

“And how do you know I don’t think it’s possible anymore?”

“You wouldn’t have brought it up if you still considered it a possibility.” He cocks an eyebrow, and it feels like he’s daring me to lie to him, but I won’t.

I sigh, hugging the pillow to my chest. “I still feel like I’m betraying my pack. They loved me with everything they were, and I loved them just the same. We had two boys we loved, then they were just gone. I shouldn’t be able to just move on like that.”

“Just like that?” Finn shakes his head. “Emilia, it’s been over two and a half years.

As you know, most omegas who lose their entire pack like you did usually follow them into death.

They struggle to find a reason to keep living, feeling so empty without those bonds they shared.

But you know that. You made it through something many people couldn’t.

You’ve already proven how strong you are.

Which is why I’m not surprised you didn’t begin looking for another pack and used suppressants. ”

“I had two boys to take care of. I couldn’t leave them without at least one parent.”

“Ahh, but that’s not always enough. There’s been a lot of research done on broken omega syndrome in my community. Did you know that?”

I shake my head. This is the first time I’ve heard of broken omega syndrome.

“You didn’t see anyone after losing your pack, did you? ”

“I did,” I declare with a frown. “Not for long because they were useless, but I tried.”

Finn holds up his hands. “I’m not judging you.

Whoever you saw must never have worked with anyone with broken omega syndrome before.

There are still some out there who don’t believe it to be a real thing.

Those who believe omegas are weak and dramatic, but for those of us who know better?

We know what can happen to an omega who loses everything—including the will to live, more often than not.

“If you’d seen someone different, we might not be sitting here right now.

There are treatments for people in your situation.

Ways to help you recover in a healthy way and learn to live again.

Because I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that burying your emotions isn’t healthy—even if it’s worked for you thus far. ”

“That’s all great and dandy, but that doesn’t help me now, does it?” I’ll be the first to admit I sound like a child right now, but what good does it do knowing I could be in a better place if I’d chosen a better psychologist?

Finn just offers me a small smile, saying nothing about my tone.

“It actually does. You haven’t healed the wound still festering inside you.

We can do that together. We can get you to a place where you don’t feel like you’re betraying them—because you’re not.

You know that, right? Even if everything is telling you that you’re betraying them, you’re not.

If they loved you like you say they did, then all they’d want for you is for you to be happy. ”

I nod. “I know. I had a dream about them the other night. It was so real. I felt them touching me as they told me it was okay to move on.”

“Ah, yes. See, part of you already knows you’re not betraying them or their love. That was your subconscious telling you what you needed to hear them say.” He pauses, rubbing his hand over his beard. “When did this dream happen?”

“The night after I met Camden,” I admit.

“And you think he’s the reason you dreamed of them?”

I don’t respond right away, thinking it over before nodding. “I didn’t have an omega in my pack before, so liking him doesn’t feel like such a betrayal. But he comes with an alpha attached. ”

“That doesn’t mean you have to accept his alpha as yours. Whether you’re an omega pair or not, if you’re not interested in Wilder like that, it’s okay. It might make things a little harder, but it’s not a prerequisite to accepting a bond with Camden.”

“Yeah, I know, but that’s the other part of the problem.” I give him a pained smile. “I do want Wilder. And most of the other suitors. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I slicked meeting both Camden and Evander. I haven’t reacted to anyone like that since…”

Finn nods. “Since meeting your first pack. Of course you haven’t because you were happy with them and had everything you needed.

Mentally, it might be hard to admit you’re ready to move on, but this is your body’s way of reminding you that even though you loved and lost, you have other biological needs.

You’ve been able to ignore them until now, but your body is telling you that the time for that is gone. ”

“Yeah, I’m figuring that out. I just…I don’t know how to reconcile the two.

I don’t know how to move on from my pack.

How to feel okay about not only being attracted to other men but wanting to be with them.

” I shake my head. “I already had my happily ever after—kind of. It feels like I’m being greedy, trying to find what I had with them again. ”

“If that’s how you’re looking at this, then you’re doomed to fail.” He holds his hand up when I go to respond. “You’re never going to find what you had with your first pack because no set of people are the same. You’re not even the same woman you were back when you met them, are you?”

Huh. I hadn’t thought about it like that.

“Not even remotely. I wonder if I stop thinking about it like that, if I’ll feel less guilty.

Because whatever I have with my new pack, it’ll be different from what I shared with Davis, Maxwell, Gerald, and Ryan.

I’m really not trying to replace them or what they meant to me.

I’m just trying to find a way to be happy with a different pack.

” I pause, smiling. “They’d want that for me. ”

Finn’s smile grows. “They would, and I’m glad you realize that. Do you want to tell me about your first pack? ”

I don’t hesitate this time, telling him about meeting my guys for the first time.

Sharing our story and how pack life was different from how I thought it would be—even though I’d grown up with a parental pack.

I tell him about seeing them as fathers for the first time.

How we always managed to find time as a pack after we had kids.

I even tell him about how hard it was seeing Davis in the hospital bed, as he told me how much they all loved me.

How hard it was saying goodbye to him after the doctors told me his chances of making it through the surgery were slim.

How devastated I’d been when they told me he was gone, too.

How I relied on my parents and brother to get through the months that followed.

The pain I felt, and still feel at times.

It’s like once I start, I can’t stop.

By the time I finish, there are drying tears on my cheeks as I take a deep breath and let it out.

I feel lighter—better than I have in a long time.

“Thank you, Finn,” I murmur, wiping my cheeks.

“For what? Doing my job?”

That makes me smile. “For being here, and yes, for doing your job. For talking to me. For listening to me. I didn’t realize just how much I needed to get that out.”

Finn returns my smile. “I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to talk to me. This is just the start of you healing, but you’ve taken a great step in the right direction.”

He winces when he glances at his watch. I have a similar reaction when my eyes find the wall clock. I’ve been down here for over two hours.

“I’m sorry, Emilia. Once you started talking, I didn’t want to interrupt you. I wasn’t paying attention to the time.” He glances at my belly. “You have to be starving.”

Of course, my stomach chooses right then to growl. I swear my body isn’t like this when I’m not pregnant.

“It’s fine. I still have time to eat before I get ready,” I assure him .

“I’m surprised Tessa hasn’t stomped down here to yell at me for keeping you for so long,” he admits. “Or even Bree. I know you’re a busy woman who will be trying to get to know her suitors and see her children when she can, but I think it would be best to meet at least a few times a week for now.”

If he’d said that earlier, I would’ve argued with him. But now?

Now, I understand the journey ahead of me, and I know it’s one I can’t traverse on my own. “I think that’s a great idea.”

Before he has a chance to respond, there’s a knock at the door.

Finn chuckles. “It’ll be interesting to see which one it is. Come on, I’ll walk you out.”

When he swings open the door, we find both Tessa and Bree standing there. It pulls laughter from both of us, leaving the two of them to stare at us in bewilderment.

I don’t even try to explain it as they walk me to my suite, where my dinner is waiting.

This might not be the experience I expected it to be, but I find I don’t mind it so much now.

One therapy session down, and I feel like a million bucks.

Was it hard talking about them? Of course, but I don’t know that it’ll ever be easy.

But as Finn said, this feels like a step in the right direction.