Page 5

Chapter Four

In the midst of growing up, I’d somehow forgotten just how much fun it was to come to a nightclub. Nexus was an amazing idea and after some slightly aggressive encouragement from Arna, for the first time in a long time I put effort into how I looked, had a couple of drinks and allowed my inhibitions to take a hike for the night. And low and behold, I was genuinely enjoying myself, which felt more important than anything else, really. Confidence wasn’t something I ever lacked, nor did I tend to care what people thought, but tonight I felt good and that was an exhilarating feeling.

A tray of vodka with passion fruit came to the table and we both reached for one, admiring the impressive presentation. The remnants of violet filtered through the top half of the glass matching my dress before cascading down to a clear liquid and I squealed as I lifted my phone to snap a quick selfie. I became enamoured with the way my freshly painted nails only added to how put together I felt before locking my phone.

“The Thunderstorm has taste apparently, this looks delicious,” pushing the soft flower to the edge of the glass, I watched as the slice of fresh fruit rippled across the top of the drink. There was effort in this cocktail and I wondered if we were receiving special treatment because of Andy’s connections. It wouldn’t have been the first time and I wasn’t even remotely mad when this is what we got.

“Thunderstorm?”

“Sebastian. Good to look at but could probably destroy me,” I joked and Arna shook with laughter before raising her drink.

“To us,” I said, reciprocating the gesture with my own glass.

“To my best girl who will go where she wants, when she wants,” Arna added and I gave a little cheer as we tapped our glasses.

Looking around, the bar itself was immaculate and lined with every alcohol I could imagine with a special section set aside purely for whiskey. The staff were graceful, delicate even, and from where I sat, managed the ever-growing crowd with ease. They wore high neck black blouses and the women had their hair pulled neatly away from their faces. The staff screamed sophistication and other than the scary looking security guard who stood less than two metres from us, the place held a relaxed, yet meticulous vibe. It was clear that Sexy-Thunderman had a less is more attitude, and expected a certain level of class from his team.

I was immediately impressed and kind of turned on by the organisation.

Images of the absolute catastrophe I was the other night when I tried to Mike Tyson him in the kitchen floated into the recesses of my mind. What a contrast my clumsy self was to the glamorous staff he hired.

“Oh, shit, Thunderstorm incoming,” Arna said, as I took another sip of my outrageously delicious drink and followed her line of sight. “He's talking to Mr. I Eat Protein With Every Meal.”

Giggling, I leant towards her, careful not to be overheard. “His arms are like friggin’ Popeye, hey?”

She nodded her agreement as we swayed slightly to the music waiting for Sebastian to come over. He was still talking to Mr. Flexinator and I wished he would turn around so I could see his face again. Maybe the excess tears from our sappy movie marathon had clouded my vision and he wasn’t actually as impressive as I remembered.

Although, from where I stood it wasn’t likely. His warm brown hair was cut clean around the sides and was lusciously thick on top making me wonder how soft it would be if I was to run my hands through it – if he would groan and lean into my touch...

My intrusive thoughts were a clear sign of the significant gap in my sex life because as hot as that sounded I could bet if I got within an inch of him and his perfectly styled hair his overly-pumped buff security detail would have me on the ground in a heartbeat.

Or maybe he would throw me to the ground himself…

Fuck it was almost like I was on heat. I could see it so clearly, Sebastian pinning me to the floor while I pretended that wasn’t my intention all along.

I knew I was staring but I couldn’t seem to look away and as a waitress approached with another round of drinks, he stepped to the side to allow her space to pass, never taking his hands from his pockets. The movement, like a lighthouse guiding me to all that was heavenly, drew attention to his flexed forearms and mother may I –

“Holy shit, Arns, he is hotter than I remember!” I whisper-screamed through clenched teeth, needing to convey my unadulterated appreciation over the music but not let him or boulder-shoulders hear me. “Do you think I could lick his forearms? Respectfully, of course.”

Arna grinned before her mouth opened as if she had discovered life’s greatest mystery. “You should ask him for his number. When was the last time you got some lovin' – and do not say six months ago. That selfish, disgusting mess of a human doesn’t count,” she scowled.

My lips pursed, my mood instantly souring and I nodded in understanding. She knew as well as I did that while I'd thought about it, I hadn't quite made it out into the world of dating just yet.

Lucas only cared about himself in the bedroom and the number of times I would be left dissatisfied and antsy while he went to sleep was obscene. While there was no chance I was going to make an offer to the man in front of me, who was not even close to being in my league, she was right. It had been a very long time since anyone had taken care of me in that way.

Alas, tonight was about drinking and dancing, admiring hot men, imagining if their biceps were as delicious as the limited amount of skin I could see, and getting home in one piece while pleasantly drunk – not acting on these thoughts. And definitely not riding the mysterious club owner.

My cowgirl era would have to wait.

The security guard pointed in our direction and Sebastian finally answered my prayers, turning around and consequently sending a bolt of lightning to my no longer comatose libido.

The straw stilled against my lip, my mouth going dry when I – what can only be described as ogled – the owner himself. Within seconds I felt his piercing gaze boring into me, my nipples hardening at the way he appeared to undress me with just a look. An assessing look, but who was I to complain?

“One tall order of penis for me tonight, thank you,” I mumbled to Arna who consequently choked on her drink causing me to bite my lip to hide my own mirth.

White was a good choice for him, his deep olive complexion popping against the fresh cut of the shirt. I stopped at the small section of skin where I noted the top button was left open, and then moved up to a jaw that instantly ruined the faces of any future men.

My memory was fine. Sebastian was perfectly edible.

Clean and presentable with care in all the best areas, including impeccably maintained dark facial hair and perfectly rolled sleeves. His piercing stare was aimed straight at me as I took in his features and – wait – was that a smirk?

Did he hear me?

Was he superhuman and could read my mind?

Was I noticeably salivating?

All a possibility.

He maintained a mostly aloof mask but I could swear that there was a hint of humour in his eyes. Although, based on past discretions on my part, no one would be asking me for character judgements on sight alone.

Arna elbowed me, snapping me out of the obvious appreciation session I just blatantly provided him and I was seized by mortification. I took a rather large drink, my eyes widening when I was met with the uncouth sounds of the last dregs of liquid fighting with air up the straw. Quickly putting it on the table, I reached for one of the freshly delivered cocktails, desperate for something to do with my hands before I voluntarily lifted my dress or something else equally ridiculous.

I coughed nervously, turning towards her with a silent SOS clear in my wide-eyed glare, screaming at her to intervene. As in right now, because he was approximately two steps away and I was about to slip on my own thirst patch.

Her vivacious laugh broke the thick tension as Sebastian halted in front of us and she stepped forward, greeting him with a kiss on the cheek and a swift hug. His eyes remained on me the entire time though and I wasn’t sure whether the swirling heat which swarmed through my body was desire or embarrassment.

“Hey, Seb. Thank you so much for reserving this area. You remember my best-friend, , right?” She gestured her hand towards me, moving to sit down on the black leather seat that surrounded the circular table like a spectator. And because I had lost the ability to act like an entirely normal person, I thrust my hand forward almost aggressively, offering him a handshake .

A fucking handshake. What the heck, !

I had never hated myself more.

After spending so much time hibernating, greetings were obviously no longer a strength.

But if you thought my level of ineptitude couldn’t get worse, you would be sorely mistaken.

Because the intensity of the movement caused my once beautiful drink to spill over the edges, cascade over my other hand and splash onto his pristine shoes – almost in slow motion.

I looked down at the mess, my eyes most definitely resembling saucers, and tried to avoid lingering on how good his thighs looked in those damn pants. I felt all of the blood in my body racing to my cheeks, the horror of the moment something I would no doubt replay at 3:00am every night for the rest of my life. Alongside the time I tried to box him.

You would think that there was no way in the history of ever that this situation could possibly become any more mortifying – but that would be a gross underestimation on your part. Because just as Sebastian raised his hand to – what I later realised –gesture for someone behind the bar to come and sort the mess I made, I visibly flinched, falling back onto the seat behind me in a subconscious attempt to avoid an act which was never intended. The flinch causing the rest of the drink I was holding to splash across my lap.

That swirl which was previously undeterminable, was now pure dread and my eyes whipped to Arns. I forced the imminent hysteria back with every ounce of strength I could muster attempting to pull myself together but I felt my eyes water as I stared at her in distress.

Ever my saviour, she moved into immediate damage control, jumping to her feet and blocking the view of what was most likely my underwear. “Oh my god,” I murmured disbelievingly and wishing for the ground to open up and just take me right this second.

I could hear her graciously steering the conversation to Andy and his current trip to South Australia as I took a deep breath.

When you feel the onslaught of agitation, take a steadying breath. Suzie’s instructions calmly spoke.

It’s okay to sit with your feelings while you formulate your next move.

Breathing slowly, I examined the contents of the table, reaching for the serviettes.

Place empty glass down.

Remove excess liquid off dress.

Pull the dress down so your underwear is not on display.

Take another breath and rejoin the land of the living.

Forcing down the unnecessary panic, along with my traitorous dress which rose significantly in my less than graceful fall, I stood with as much gusto as I could muster and stepped around Arna.

“Let’s have a do-over. Hello! I’m not usually such a buffalo and I’m sorry about your shoes. Oh, and that time I tried to fight you,” his eyes fell to my outstretched hand before engulfing it with his own. I ignored the curious concern in his eyes, not willing to overthink this response, instead focusing on the way his warm calloused hands sent goosebumps up my arms as he pulled me towards him, kissing my cheek in greeting.

“You make quite an impression, . I’m sorry for startling you,” his gruff voice whispered for only me to hear, sending a jolt of awareness straight to my chest. “If you ladies need anything, please let Wayne know.” He pointed towards the muscular wall of security, his gaze never leaving mine.

I couldn’t speak. My hand was still firmly grasped within his own, much longer than is socially acceptable and his proximity felt like a defibrillator to the heart. If I had been a zombie before, this man in front of me brought me back to life with a single touch. When he left a swift kiss on my other cheek a raw masculine smell inundated my nostrils, cementing itself in the top spot of treasured smells. It was earthy and fresh and I breathed him in as discreetly as I could before retreating.

“No unplanned boxing tonight though, please,” he added with a wink in my direction.

A proper, movie moment wink, which set a flutter of butterflies cascading through my stomach.

“Bugger, I’ve been training all week,” I replied with feigned insouciance and his smirk widened for the briefest moment before he departed as quickly as he arrived.

“What was that ?” Arna screamed, grabbing my thigh, forcing me to look at her and not the back of the sexiest man alive.

“That, my friend, was a first class display of how to woo a man,” I stated, taking a long sip of my drink. I was flushed, potentially running a temperature, and I wasn’t sure if it was the vodka or the man who just invaded my space in the best way possible. “I mean surely that was obvious with how I graciously flirted with the man who will be living rent free in my head for the rest of my life and the way I retreated like he was going to hit me?” I gritted with a cringe induced scowl.

Obviously sensing I was okay based on my shameless self deprecation, Arna burst into a fit of laughter. “I can’t - believe - you fell on your arse. Lucky you were wearing sexy panties because we all saw them. We also need to work on your flirting skills,” she continued laughing, leaning over to hold her side and I couldn’t help allowing the contagious mirth free.

“Don’t even try to hide it. I felt hot just watching that. What the heck?” She was fanning herself with her right hand, her cackle only just subsiding when she put an arm around me to both comfort and silently check-in. I leant into her, having no words to explain whatever that was, but in desperate need of running water to remove the sticky drink from my legs. The perfect escape from this conversation.

“It wasn’t that noticeable,” she lied with a smile and I nodded, not believing her for a second but appreciating the sentiment all the same. I guess some traumas ran deeper than others and there were still things to work on overcoming.

“I’m going to sort this situation out,” I said, pointing to my still wet crotch and hoping like hell she would forget that entire massacre of shame.

“I’m sure you are,” she replied with an exaggerated wink. She knew full well that this was strategically timed on my part, but gave me the out, smirking as she grabbed her phone to likely message Andy and recount the downfall of my social life in front of his friend. I could only imagine the taunts he was going to throw my way.

Heading towards the bathroom, I stumbled, a little unsteady on my feet. I was a bit more intoxicated than I realised, probably due to the pre-drinks we shared while we got dressed. I hadn’t drunk in a while, which seemed entirely reasonable given my inability to behave like a normal person only a moment ago. But here tonight, with my best friend and in a place that provided personal security, I felt untethered to my past and I was determined to forge ahead.

Destroying the shoes of the owner and flashing my panties aside. Obviously.

When I joined the line, there were a fair few ladies already waiting, so I grabbed my phone to do a discreet social search for Nexus and its yummy owner.

How much could I discover about the thunderous man in a few minutes – challenge accepted. I was just loading the social media images of the club when I was interrupted by someone calling my name.

My face blanched at the familiarity in the feminine voice. Timidly looking in the direction it emanated, she stood a few feet away yet suddenly I felt smothered. Either not noticing or choosing to ignore my discomfort, she took a step forward and I locked eyes with my ex's sister.

“It is you,” oblivious to the ladies around us who really didn’t want to hear our conversation, she continued. “How are you?” She asked as she drew me in for a hug. “I can't believe it's actually you. You look as gorgeous as ever.”

The way my legs began shaking was evidence of my fear.

The chances of seeing her and for the three second interval when I wasn’t with Arna were crazy but of course it would happen to me.

With my initial shock, I didn’t register her words, and for a moment I focused on how we could be in the exact same place, on one of the rare occasions I came out and how very different this same situation would have been only a year or two ago.

I had always liked Lori. A few years younger than her brother and only one younger than me, we spent a great deal of time together, laughing over dinners, sharing a bottle of wine and teasing Lucas as often as possible. Until he decided he no longer enjoyed those nights, and I would deal with his moods once Lori had gone to bed or home for the evening. I did my best to distance myself once those days became more frequent and I wondered if she understood why I began ignoring her messages. If maybe she knew exactly what her brother was like but was powerless to do anything.

Tucking my hair behind my ear, I nervously looked over my shoulder, breathing through the erratic pounding of my heart. The alcohol was most definitely helping because otherwise I would have likely peed my pants and then joined it as a messy puddle on the floor.

“It’s nice to see you too, Lori. I hope you’ve been well.” I was careful to avoid mentioning Lucas. The last thing I needed was him hearing I showed any kind of interest when the strangulating pressure of our relationship was finally gone. The line of giggly drunk women suddenly moved, ending our conversation abruptly. Pointing apologetically at the bathrooms, although not even remotely sorry, I gave her a wave.

“So sorry, I’m busting. Take care, Lori.” Her smile appeared almost pained as I shuffled into the toilets in an exaggerated I need to pee walk. Turning the lock on the cubicle I braced myself against the closed door breathing in and out, twirling the woven bracelet I’d been wearing for the past fortnight. It was green and didn't even remotely match my outfit, but it was a symbol of change, and was much better than the black I'd been wearing when I couldn't even begin to fathom feeling better. The repetition of the movement met its purpose and my breathing slowed enough for me to finish up. If I saw her again, I would smile and keep moving. There was nothing left to say, no need for conversations or to catch up. I prayed she wouldn’t tell her brother she'd seen me because the less he knew about where I had been or what I was doing, the better. I was done with that part of my life.

Returning to the table after a five minute conversation with a group of drunk women who I’m fairly confident wanted to adopt me based on our shared use of Burt’s Bees lip balm, I was grateful to find another round of drinks already lined up in front of my seat. Seeing Lori was one of the last things I expected and I breathed easier once I was back with Arna. Reaching for a fresh purple beauty, I guzzled the entire thing, again, silently thanking Andy for securing this section which at least afforded this privacy.

“You okay, sweetie, or just really thirsty?” Arna’s eyebrows were almost in her hairline as she stared at me. I’m not sure why I was surprised given how perceptive she was, although skolling an entire drink had probably been a giant red flag. Generally, she was a wave of support whenever I needed someone and provided the laughs and vodka before I even knew to ask. She always had snacks in her bag and was the first in line for a movie night, even though it usually saw her reading and pretending to watch while I re-watched a Kate Hudson film for the 400th time and repeatedly raved on about how bloody stunning she was.

Knowing her stare was now laced with a layer of impatience, I recounted my interaction with Lori.

She responded exactly as expected, with an offer to either a) find her and take her down or b) leave immediately.

Politely declining both I instead answered with, “Let’s dance.”

I was done running.

We were safe here and given she was heading to the airport soon we needed to make the most of the short hours, amazing private area and electric music which had transitioned to a Macklemore anthem.

I reached for her hand, ignoring the way my legs wobbled a little from the alcohol, which at this point, was making up 80% of my bodily fluids. We moved to the dance floor with our security guard standing close enough to keep that feeling of sanctuary swimming through my veins.

Pushing all other worries from my mind, I lost myself in the music.