Page 27

Chapter Twenty-Six

Watching the waves break along the shoreline while being cocooned by my new favourite person was pretty incredible. I snuggled into him, wriggling until I was a perfectly comfortable burrito and once I settled, I felt him harden against me.

“You’re insatiable,” I said, tapping his thigh with my hand, a soft laugh spilling from my lips.

“Only with you,” he murmured, running his hand up my arm and I looked at him over my shoulder. God, he was gorgeous. “I’ve never had a woman stay in my bed before you.”

His succinct admission interrupted my adoration.

“Really?” My question was stupid, but I couldn’t believe someone as put-together as him had never shared his bed with a partner. Truth be told, I still didn’t believe he had never had a girlfriend.

“It’s true. When I brought you back here that very first night the thought of offering you my spare room wasn’t even considered. I went straight to my room and I think subconsciously, my body knew it was where you belonged.” The sincerity of his words wrapped me up like a bow.

“That’s a pretty nice thing to say considering I thought you were angry all the time,” I joked but it had been a while since that was true. His actions spoke louder than words and as I thought about all the things he had done for me since we met, I realised he’d been taking care of me since that very first night without me even noticing.

Unable to articulate exactly what I was feeling, I rolled over to face him properly, brushing my fingers lightly down his face before kissing him softly. At that moment I wanted to share everything with him. My troubles, my worries, random thoughts throughout the day and scarily, my future. Breaking the kiss, and feeling thankful for the darkness that hid my face, I mustered the courage to share my vulnerabilities.

“I was with Lucas for about a year and a half. The first few months were good. He was kind and attentive,” I was whispering, my gaze focused on the light stubble of his jaw rather than his eyes, “and then, as if he was an entirely different person, he flipped. At first it was a lot of yelling, telling me how stupid I was and that nothing I did was right. Critiquing everything. Something as small as folding a towel could turn into an hour-long lecture. Literally. But – eventually that wasn’t enough,” Seb’s thumb lightly rubbing my arm was the only movement he made as he listened.

“I’d gotten really good at ignoring him. Blocking the acidic words he spat in my face. Retreating into the depths of my mind where I was anywhere but there. I’d nod as if I was listening, but really I was picturing a place where I was happy. A place where I was safe. When he noticed that I was numb to his words, he started to hurt me in other ways,” my voice was so low now that if it weren’t the middle of the night, he wouldn’t have heard.

“He was all I had after my parents died and that was exactly how he wanted me. Reliant. I felt helpless and alone. I had no one other than him because he made it unbearable to see Arna or go to work until I eventually just stopped. Mostly, when he lost it, he would slap me or push me into walls or the floor. And I started to make excuses for him. It could be worse – there’s no blood, or he could really hurt me but doesn’t,” I wiped a stray tear which escaped at the bitter memories.

“But the last time, he fractured my wrist,” I said, lifting my hand off his solid chest and moving it from side to side. My new purple woven bracelet was firmly secured, reminding me of my depth in uncovering deeper truths about myself.

“He ran out of beer and apparently that was my fault as I didn’t work so it was literally my job ,” I mimicked the tone he used, and was still amazed at how ridiculous it sounded. “He never even let me drive his car, and rarely gave me money to buy the beer so I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to have brought it home. He apparently didn’t believe in having groceries delivered and I would need to make multiple trips to and from. But that was Lucas, unreasonable expectations for anyone other than himself.” Sebastian was still, not having interrupted me once and I appreciated the space to tell him in an unhurried manner.

“Towards the end, I was also certain he was seeing other women. He’d come home smelling of perfume as if I wouldn’t notice. But honestly, I didn’t even care because it meant the attention wasn’t on me and his mood was better. I realise how hideous that makes me, and sounds as though I wished it on someone else, but it was truly awful for me. I never wanted him to treat anyone else that way. I was certain his sister knew what he was like and had my suspicions she may have even suffered his violence in the past, but she would never engage in conversations about it and the one time she accidentally told me she spoke to her parents, she begged me never to tell Lucas. And I didn't. He despised them, so ultimately, it would only make it worse for me. And by then, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

“It was pretty bad in the last couple of months. Almost as though he was testing to see how far he could push me before I snapped. See how pathetic I truly was. And it’s embarrassing to admit that I still didn’t leave right away. Because he had taken everything from me, including my will to survive. I believed there was no one other than him who cared. I’d ignored so many of Arna’s calls that I thought she would be done with me. It was exactly what he wanted and I allowed him to do that. I gave him that power over me,” I paused as the tears fell freely now and Seb pulled me into him, his arms so strong and safe.

“I know there are women who have had it much worse than I ever did, but I just felt so alone,” I sniffed, wiping at my eyes. “Honestly, him breaking my wrist was good in a way.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened in response, alarm creasing his features. “–” he admonished and I waved my hand to signify that wasn’t what I meant.

“It was the push I needed. It gave me the strength to leave. It was terrifying and I’m pretty sure I had a concussion because at that moment I swear I saw my mum. She was standing in front of me with her kind eyes and she was telling me it was time. She kept telling me to find my strength and when I came to and realised I must have passed out, it cemented everything I knew but never admitted. When he was just pushing me I could always justify it to myself that he wasn’t hitting me. But I knew my wrist was the beginning of the end and it was that fear which pushed me to finally leave. And so I fled. I was petrified while I ran to the bus stop, while I was on the bus the entire time on the way to Arna’s house and even for a long time after. Because I knew he would know where I was. And I thought he would come for me. Just like he did that night at Nexus. But he didn’t count on me ever standing up to him. He is weak and I’ve learnt so much about myself since leaving and I know I will never let him or anyone else hurt me like that ever again.”

The words left my body in a moment of deep catharsis which can only come when you feel truly supported. And with the man beside me, I did. He buried his face into my neck and held me tight and I filled my lungs with as much oxygen as I could muster before slowly releasing it along with any lingering pain or fear. He lifted up onto one elbow, tenderly swiping the back of his hand across my still wet cheeks.

“I should have killed him when I had the chance,” he gritted, his hard words such a contrast to his delicate touch.

“I’m sorry you experienced that. I can’t imagine how much courage it took to actually leave,” he kissed my lips, his flattery comforting me like nothing else. “You are a breath of fresh air in my life and the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and it makes me feel crazed that anyone did that to you, let alone that pitiful fucker.” I felt my cheeks heat as I trailed my fingers down his arms. I knew his anger came from a place of care. An innate need to protect me, but I didn’t need that from him. I shared my experience because I wanted him to know everything. To understand the baggage I brought with me which made me who I am.

Hours later when he pressed me back into the mattress and moved on top of me, it was with a deeper connection only found after whispered confessions and shared stories. We’d spent the time talking a little more about the day I left, but mostly about my time since. We talked about the meaning behind our tattoos, shared anecdotes from our childhoods and argued about whether peas were the most horrendous vegetable – me arguing for and him against . But eventually, despite his repulsive opinion on those little green balls of vomit, we could no longer keep our hands off each other.

When he entered me, it was both raw and tender, our deepest feelings now laid bare. There were no barriers between us and my eyes filled with tears at the hurricane of emotions that swirled between us. Despite seeing the ugliest parts of me, he was still here, with me, telling me how beautiful I was and how I deserved nothing short of perfection.

And it was the sincerity of his words while we were as close as we could possibly be that sent flutters spreading through me. Flutters which carried whispers of realisation telling me I was in love with this man. A – butterflies in your stomach, soul deep desperation to spend every waking second together – love. A love which can only come after loss because it brings with it shades of a new palette of colours you’ve always thought existed but have never before seen. Sebastian was my very own sunflower, silently guiding me towards the radiant light every day and it was with that epiphany, that I finally found peace.

I stared at the large white cross, the nail slightly off centre as it had been the day Arna and I decided to make the shrine ourselves. The Hearts cap was still hanging from the side next to Dad’s name and a large purple sunflower was engraved in the middle to symbolise my presence in their lives. Seb moved behind me, enveloping me in his arms, leaning down to kiss my cheek and I laid my head back, a deep sigh heavy in the air.

My heart was sore today and while I liked to visit them in their final resting place, often finding it too difficult to be at the site of the accident itself, he made it a little easier. I recounted what I knew of their collision – a rainy night and a car crash. They’d called me as they left, just after another fight with Lucas so I was eager to get off the phone and clean the house before he returned just as he liked. They were heading to their annual trip up the mountains, their Mountainversary as they called it and wanted me to water their plants. I knew Lucas would make up an excuse why I couldn’t use the car and I was pretty certain they knew I wouldn’t do it even though I agreed. It was the last time I spoke to them. Our final conversation ended with a lie that I would look after a house, which a few weeks later, I would be packing up and selling while Lucas sat beside me drinking and seeing if there was anything of value which he could sell.

Sharing the story with Seb now was the first time I could actually tell someone without crying. Maybe it was the strength of his arms wound around me. The way he didn’t try to interrupt or offer condolences – just simply listened. I told him about the lonely months after the funeral when Lucas would always have a reason I couldn’t call or see Arna, but he never wanted to listen or talk about my parents with me. I grieved silently, whispering memories to myself whenever I could, determined to never forget no matter how much he would have liked having me all to himself.

When the skies broke and the rain slowly pattered, moistening the earth around us, it was cleansing. Having him here with me gave me the courage to really look around the place where my parents took their last breaths. The road had long ago lost the discolouration from their tyres and the tree they hit had been removed along with any debris.

But I could feel them here. Like TV static buzzing across my skin, I sensed their presence.

“My parents loved Creedence Clearwater Revival,” I said with a sombre smile. “They had an old radio in the kitchen as Mum loved singing, and whenever one of their songs came on, Dad would grab her and make her dance with him. It didn’t matter if she was cooking with batter on her hands or washing the dishes, he would spin her around and they were lost to each other. As a child it made me nauseous seeing them so disgustingly in love,” Sebastian chuckled in my ear, his chest shaking behind me and my smile grew.

“But as I got older, I was envious. I knew what I had with Lucas was nothing like what they shared. They could have been in a crowd of hundreds and when Creedence came on, they only had eyes for each other. It was a special kind of love and I feel grateful that I was lucky enough to witness it firsthand,” I rubbed his forearm and he gave me a little squeeze

“Your parents sounded amazing. You must get your singing from your mum,” he said and I chuckled.

“I definitely do. If we ever had a song where we both knew the words, my dad would make an excuse to go to the shed because it got intense, both of us fighting for lead vocals,” Seb huffed a laugh in my ear and we fell into an easy silence.

The rain continued to fall but neither of us moved, Seb providing me with the support I needed while I remembered all of the times I saw their love. I stepped forward, leaning down and placing a kiss to my fingertips, resting it against each of their names and when I turned, Sebastian stood with his palm out facing up towards the cloudy skies.

“Will you dance with me?” He asked, his expression adorable as a few raindrops hit and slid down his face.

I wanted to lick them off. I wanted to shower him with gratitude for his thoughtfulness, his kindness and his patience. With a grin, I placed my hand in his and closed my eyes as he pulled me into him, wrapping an arm around my back.

He did something on his phone and as Creedence’s, Have You Ever Seen The Rain , started playing I lost it. No longer able to talk, I sobbed into his chest as he swayed us on the side of the road as if we were the only two people left on this earth.

“You will have the love they had, ,” his eyes searched my face and as another wave of tears filled my vision I felt overwhelmed. By being here, sharing my world with someone else and by the intensity of my feelings for him. We were flush against each other and as he held me, moving us from side to side, I lost myself in the feel of the rain on my skin, his spicy smell washing over me and the notes of the music dancing among the trees.

For the very first time, I felt a glimpse of the love my parents shared.

Was this what it felt like? Was this how it was supposed to be?

I raised my head to look at him knowing all I needed right now was him. All of him.

His hand was warm as he rubbed up along my back and into my hair as he lent down, brushing his lips across mine. Through our mouths I showed him the words I couldn’t say. I poured my soul into him as our tongues danced in time with our bodies. The rain began to fall harder, my hair sticking to my face, but I didn’t stop because I didn’t care. At that moment, nothing was as important as us.

This. This was the passion I had unknowingly craved. Needed.

This was what it felt like to have someone want you for you and show you they would do absolutely anything you needed to ensure you were the best version of yourself. Everything felt possible with Sebastian at my side.

As the closing notes of the song played, muffled by the increasing sound of the rain, I lent back and looked up towards the sky, opening my mouth in an attempt to catch the rain on my tongue.

Squeezing my eyes tight, I thought about how quickly he had become the heartbeat of my entire existence, his presence alone filling my darkest skies with promise. It was with him by my side that the possibility of my long held dream for a happy ever after felt attainable. I could picture the man of my dreams who waited at the end of that aisle. It was the tempestuous thunderstorm himself who only around me, would clear his skies to let the rainbow peek through.