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“Your behavior is why we need to talk,” Katya firmly stresses. I stand to stop her, but Kat holds out her hand, effectively stopping me mid-rise. “No, Ezra. We. Are. Going. To. Talk. Right. Now.” She doesn’t use the dominant tone with me. No, she uses the one that stops every male in their tracks. Katya uses the I’m a mother tone, causing me to sit on the floor and listen like a little boy.

“I’ve always had my reservations about us. It was too fast. I was too wounded with no time to heal. I found out I was pregnant when I was seriously doubting the longevity of our relationship. It may have worked if it was just the two of us. But you brought Cortez into it.”

“I love Cortez,” is said as if I’m admitting I breathe or my heart beats.

“I know.” Now it’s Katya’s turn to look like she’s been kicked in the nuts, on the verge of being ill. “I love Cortez, but not the type of love I feel for you. I sometimes wonder if you might love me the way I love Cortez, while I love you like you love Cortez. But then there are times where I wonder if I have a true grasp of how much you and Cortez love one another. I seriously doubt anyone can calculate that bond.”

“Katya,” I begin, but she stops me again.

“No, Ez. It’s my turn to talk, and you will listen.” Katya’s words are measured, as if she’s balancing them before she speaks. I’d rather deal with my wife when she’s passionate. Uncensored. This is the woman who first moved to Dominion, where I tore down her emotional barriers. Over the past few years, she’s erected those walls, taller and stronger than ever before.

I love Katya, truly love her as a man loves a woman. I crave her attention. I desire her and hunger for her desire in return. Even though I know I don’t deserve it, I have this undeniable need for her trust.

The heinous acts I’ve committed, Katya was never a factor, even when those acts directly affected her. Not because she didn’t matter, but because she did. I was complacent, expecting Katya to always be here, as Cortez always was. What I didn’t factor in is how my foundation with Cort is thirty-four years strong, whereas it’s only been four years with Katya, most of them tumultuous.

“I’ve forgiven you for our shared nightmare, but I haven’t healed.” Sighing heavily, Katya tries her best to cover herself with her sheer nightgown, modesty important to her, when it shouldn’t be between a husband and a wife.

The gut-punch sensation incapacitates me, rendering me silent. I did this to Katya– the look of utter defeat, the lack of confidence, and the stark fear paling her face.

“I remembered the truth of the past as I was falling in love with you. How could I heal if I never got the chance to deal with it? Love doesn’t erase the past or heal wounds. Love was a momentary distraction. My therapist is helping me–”

“You have a therapist?” Voice pitched high, my wife is a stranger to me.

“Yeah, Ez– for a long while now.” Uncomfortable around me, Katya folds her legs, tucking them beneath her nightgown. “Last night, harsh truths were lobbed at me. One person was using them as a weapon, the other to remove my ignorance.”

“What happened?” When Cort and I came back from the tent, Katya wasn’t in our bed. She was passed out in Ava’s bed, surrounded by our children. It’s Christmas day, and we’ve all suffered through this impossible mood Katya and Ava are in.

“It doesn’t matter, Ez.” Translated, it doesn’t matter to me. “I discovered there are recent actions I need to forgive you for, and I seriously doubt I can ever do that. There are some acts that we cannot recover from, and those are the actions I learned last night.”

The agony in Katya’s voice, I attempt to rise to my knees to get closer to her, hoping to comfort her. “Kat–”

“I’m leaving you, Ezra.” The finality sucks the air from my lungs. That tone signals there will be no negotiations. I don’t get a vote. “I want a divorce. I need a divorce. For the first time in my life, I’m putting myself first. I need to fix me ,” Katya stresses, so close to tears I want to comfort her with every fiber of my being.

God, I’d give Katya anything she wanted, as long as she’d let me hold her.

“I need to gain perspective, self-respect, and self-worth, and I cannot gain those things if I’m with you.” A single tear escapes, and that sign of weakness costs Katya too much.

Instinctively reaching forward, Katya cringes away from my touch. “No. Don’t.” Her back presses into the sofa, her poor attempt at getting as far away from me as possible.

As a sign of respect, I retreat a foot or so, loathing the way Kat’s eyes widen like a spooked horse readying to bolt for safety, knowing that always ends in peril. If she lashes out in fear, I won’t let her go, and that will be worse for both of us.

“I love you with my whole heart, but you’re incapable of loving me as you do Cortez, and I deserve better than that. I’m not perfect, but it’s a human right to be treated with humanity and respect. I deserve a man who will put me first, as I will with him.”

“Katya, how is it possible you don’t realize how much I love you?” Heart breaking from the bitter truth, I have to fist my palm over my chest.

“Actions speak louder than words,” are wielded like a weapon. “You so easily passed me off to Aaron, even though you justified that. During my initiation, I was blindfolded and told to perform fellatio on Marcus, not realizing it was him. My soon-to-be father-in-law, who was dating Regina, when Regina and I already had a rocky friendship.”

“I–”

“Don’t,” is snapped back at me. “You nearly died in pain when you discovered Cortez was doing the same for Marcus– I held you that morning as you cried, knowing all along what had upset you. Then you so easily passed me off to Dexter,” is said in utter disgust, all directed at me.

“You wanted Dexter.” I try to explain my reasoning. “It was a gift. I didn’t want to take the experience away from you, Katya.”

“I had sex with Dexter as a test,” is a truth bomb detonated. “It was your test, Ezra, and you failed miserably.”

“Are you saying you’ve been playing games?” I ask in shock, never expecting Katya to be as destructive as I am.

“No. Not games.” Katya coldly responds. “I had to survive. I had to heal. I had to know what I was dealing with.”

“You should have come to Cort or me, and we would have helped you heal from the past.” I voice one of the biggest issues in our marriage, Kat’s inability to let us in.

Oh, Cort and I are flawed assholes of the highest order, but Katya never once trusted us with her private thoughts or emotions, always bottling them up and remaining silent. I’m a psychiatrist for fuck’s sake– it’s my lifework to heal others.

When it comes to Katya, we didn’t deserve to be trusted. Not that we would betray her confidence, but we would unintentionally use her emotions against her.

“It wouldn’t have mattered, because Cort and I were never compatible outside of co-parenting and a familial relationship. We were both here for you, and you alone, because you think everything is always about you, Ez. While we respect one another, Cort and I never bonded as a couple.”

“That’s not my fault,” I poorly deny.

“No, Cortez and I shoulder the blame for our failed relationship. Events always tore us apart– events you created. Cort came to me and pointedly asked if it hurt when you gave me to Dexter. He held me as I cried, then cleaned Dexter from my skin, even going as far as to help me clean him from my body. Cort understood why it hurt so much. It was the first time I realized I was a punishment. That toxicity isn’t love, Ezra. Cortez is a stronger person than I am, because his love for you is so pure, he should be sainted.”

“If I’m that bad, why do you love me?” flows as a soft whisper, unable to look Katya in the eyes.

I used to think I was safe with Katya, her love untainted by the truth, because she only knew a small percentage of the evil acts I’ve committed. But now I wonder if I underestimated her ability to ferret out information.

“You’re easy to love. My God, Ezra. You have a brilliant mind– it’s intoxicating. Your entire demeanor draws me like a moth to flame. You remind me of royalty from eons ago. One look, and I knew Ezra Zeitler was the man in charge. You dominate my senses. But that is all about you, now isn’t it? None of that is about me. I’m going to be selfish for once and work on myself.”

“I will let you go to find yourself,” voice taking on a pleading note. “But I want a chance–”

“No!” Katya abruptly barks out, interrupting me. “I can guarantee if I find myself, that self-aware person will not want to be with you. What makes you intoxicating, it also taints you like the strongest drug. You ruin me as you consume what essentially makes me who I am.”

“You won’t even give me a chance?” rumbles out between numb lips, I’m so out of my element. “We’re just over? Just like that.”

“It’s not a no.” Katya gets my hopes up, only to make them come crashing back down to earth. “It’s a not a snowball’s chance in hell. It’s over . It was over before it began. I will not be your consolation prize. I will not stay with you because you feel guilt. I do love you like a wife loves her husband, but the feeling isn’t mutual, no matter how badly you try to convince yourself otherwise. Your love for me isn’t the same as mine for you. It’s obligation. I feel it in here!” Katya cries out, fisting her chest directly over her heart.

“I’m so fucking sorry,” I profess, finally meeting Katya’s wounded gaze. It’s on the tip of my tongue, the need to defend myself, but I know she’s not in a place where she’s capable of hearing what I have to say. Some things she said are true, yet she’s dead wrong where it comes to how she assumes my feelings are for her.

“I know you’re sorry, Ez. But that’s not good enough anymore. I’m sorry is a worthless phrase without actions to back it up. It’s an excuse to write away acts you plan on repeating. I forgive you for the past, but what I’ve just learned… it’ll take the rest of my lifetime to work through that.”

“I’m not giving up on you, Katya,” is a vow I intend to keep. “I’ll try with you, even if you won’t try with me.”

“Go ahead,” Katya challenges, not taking me seriously. “You’ll just come to the same conclusion I have. You’ll just hurt Cortez even more while you waver. We both know who your one and only is. I’m warning you, Ezra. Cortez found himself recently. He won’t put up with your shit like he has in the past. You have to pick him, and only him, before he picks himself.”

“What do you mean?” The thought of Katya leaving worries me, but I know I can manipulate her back. Cortez– the thought of losing him has me feeling like I’m suffocating. Lost. Dead.

I can’t manipulate Cortez. Never have. Never could. Never will.

“Even you aren’t that stupid, Ezra,” Katya humorlessly taunts, green eyes glowing with malice. “Cortez has been at war with me over you. I didn’t fight, because it wasn’t up to Cortez and me to fight for you. It was up to you to fight for us . It was always your decision, and I’ve heard Cortez tell you this. Yet Cort still fights for his life. My gift to him was bowing out gracefully.”

“I–”

“Don’t!” I’m so sick of that word. “Around three in the morning, you were tucked in the tent with Cort, and I was more distraught than I’ve ever been. I needed someone to hold me. Someone to help me. Someone to listen to me, after I discovered the world I live in is a goddamn lie. I’m not even who I thought I was. But my husband was nowhere to be found. I was left to confide in someone I’ve seen as nothing short of an enemy.”

“Katya, how was I supposed to know–”

“All. The. Nights. To. Go. Missing.” Lucid, Katya bellows the words, taking in large gasps of air in between each. “It’s not about how you should just know– IT’S FUCKING CHRISTMAS, YOU ASSHOLE! AND YOU LEFT ME TO SLEEP ALONE. WHAT GOOD IS A TRIAD IF I’M MORE ALONE IN IT THAN OUT OF IT?!”

Huffing in lungful after lungful of air, I fear Katya is on the cusp of hyperventilating. Voice nothing but a rasp after screaming, she forces the words out of strained vocal cords.

“Last night, as I held the bracelet you locked on me, just after we first met–”

“Don’t!” Now it’s my turn to utter that disastrous word. In a panic, I notice Kat’s wrist is bare, when that bracelet signifies a bond stronger than a wedding band.

Katya Waters belongs to Master Ez, that bracelet says so.

The part of Ez that is yet a child, believed Katya was serious, but seeing that bare wrist signals I won’t be manipulating her into negotiating with me. I expected it would take some time, but we’d eventually share parts of ourselves no one else had access to, not even Cort.

“Put it back on, dammit!”

In the face of my panic, Katya is calm. “I realized we would all be saner if we went our separate ways. You need to fix your life. Cort is working on his. I’m working on mine. The kids are kids. It’s time you stopped using me as a buffer and an excuse, and truly commit to Cortez. It’s how it should’ve always been. Look at Marcus and tell me he isn’t mirroring your behavior. Marcus is using Cort as a distraction, because he doesn’t know where he stands with Regina, the same way you’re using me.”

“Where are you going?” is a demand, reaching out to Katya, as she stands from the sofa. “We’re not finished.”

“Yes, we are. For now. That Christmas party couldn’t come at a worse time. After you talk to Cortez, then we’ll all talk together. We have custody to work out, living arrangements, and visitation. But this conversation about us is most certainly over, Ezra.”

“You don’t love me, do you?” I mumble as Katya walks to the door to unlock it.

“I always will, but I fear I’ll end up hating you more if you force me to stay.” Katya whispers, her back to me, as if she couldn’t face me and say the words. “And the fear is winning.” She flicks the lock, then makes sure her nightgown is covering her modestly.

“Who told you everything? Who made you see the truth?” I plead, angry yet relieved. I stay on the floor, not wanting to frighten Katya, hoping she’ll continue to let me in.

“Last night, one of my bullies realized she was purposefully keeping me ignorant. She apologized by being the first person to tell me the truth. All of it, all the way back to before I was even born. Not everything is about you, Ezra. Not every betrayal I learned orbits you. I needed you last night, but your need for Cortez was stronger.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeat, meaning it wholeheartedly.

“I know,” Katya repeats. “Friends are a luxury. Finding someone who will be brutally honest, not giving a shit if they hurt you in the process, that’s priceless. Survivors first, nothing bonds women closer.”

“Who?” I ask, already knowing the truth. The fierce fire glowing from Katya is enough. The only three women I’ve ever held in high regard all looked at me like that. I have a feeling Katya and her new frenemy bonded last night, and no doubt the third was involved somehow.

“Faith.” Katya calls Syn by her real name for the first time ever. Without a backward glance, she leaves Cortez’s office… and me.

Instinctively, I know it’s forever.

I was created to step in when Ez was in agony, to where he couldn’t cope with life. I was forged because Ez loved Cortez enough not to commit suicide when he learned the truth of his conception.

For the first time ever, Master Ez needs to be saved. Ezra smoothly erupts from our shared mind to take over.

My turn!

Misery Castle’s Ballroom

What was over an hour in the landscape of my lifetime is experienced in mere seconds. The clawing panic. The suffocating agony. The debilitating loss. The bleak powerlessness. The insufferable regret.

“Katya–”

“Don’t!” Tugging hard, Katya’s wrist slips from my palm as people go around us like a rock in a current. “I thought we had an agreement.”

I can’t say what I want to say, which is how I didn’t remember a goddamn second of what happened until a moment ago, so how can I uphold this agreement?

“Can we go somewhere quiet to talk?” Fingers curled into fists, I fight the urge to reach out and comfort Katya. The undeniable need to counsel Katya is throbbing like a sore nerve. “Not about us.”

Leaning in close, Katya’s natural scent crashes over me, causing my eyes to slip shut from her proximity. “I needed you last night,” is an accusation if I’ve ever heard one. “When I learned that even my parents are monsters who lie to their children. Every second of my existence has been a lie, so why shouldn’t I think the same of our marriage?”

“I didn’t know,” is filled with helplessness. “I honestly didn’t know your true surname.”

“Neither did I.” Face paling, eyes glistening with unshed tears, Katya has never looked more devastated. “As soon as I stepped foot into Dominion, I was isolated. I knew no one who wasn’t connected to you. I felt abandoned, because my parents didn’t visit me in the hospital, come to our wedding, or attend the birth of the twins. I had to go to them.”

Understanding Max and Clara, because that’s why I demanded Katya not attend this godforsaken party. “They were keeping their secrets safe–”

“But I didn’t know that!” Seething, a torrent cascading down her cheeks, Katya leans into me. “I didn’t know that, Ez. I felt abandoned. Just as I felt rejected this morning when you told me not to come. Secrets and lies always come out of hiding, and the damage is worse than if the truth had been told. The bond I shared with my parents is gone, because they weren’t with me when I needed them the most, needed their advice and comfort. Now the lies are out, but that weakened bond isn’t something we can lean on.”

In her weakened state, with familial strangers milling all around us, Katya easily hides her face against my chest, allowing me to hold her. I cannot fathom how alone she must feel in this moment.

“Katya dear.” Words affectionate and light, the motherly talons are anything but. Priscilla’s palms curl around Katya’s shoulders, pulling her from my embrace. “We had such a lovely reunion this afternoon. Why don’t you join us ladies in the living room? We’re going to watch the Christmas tree and enjoy a warming beverage.”

It isn’t a request. Katya is removed from my presence, flanked by Priscilla and Martha, and no one is going to argue with them.

“I baked my chocolate cake just for us ladies.” Martha knows how to entice people with her Seven Deadly Sins Chocolate Layer Cake. “By warming beverage, Priss meant bourbon, just so we’re clear.”

“After this shit-show, I’m going to need a fifth to myself.” Katie comes up arm in arm with Adelaide, and I suddenly don’t think this is a good idea. “C’mon, I only have a few more days of freedom until the Vice President of the United States descends on Misery Castle with the secret service in tow. My autonomy just went POOF! ”

“It’s a good thing you love Kent, otherwise marriage wouldn’t be worth the never-ending hassle.” Ade flashes me a loaded look, those words meant for Katya to hear leveled against me.

Nothing bonds women together stronger than mutual loathing, even ones who tried to kill each other over the one they both now hate.

“Uh-uh!” A heavy palm stops my advance, and its location is not my chest. “No.” Roarke wraps his meaty hand around the front of my throat, effectively controlling me. “You have more important business to attend.”

No one steps in to intervene as my senior enforcer detains me. “You really do want to snap my neck. I wasn’t sure before, but now I know.” Ironically, my words must be vibrating against Roarke’s palm.

“I love you.” Roarke’s eyes cut to the side, making sure Katya safely exits the ballroom. “I didn’t know. Back when we went to Pennsylvania to snatch Kat and Ava, I walked into her house to come face-to-face with my sister. I won’t apologize for my loyalty to Clara trumping mine to you. I was sworn to secrecy– I haven’t even called Clara to warn her that Kat knows.”

Nodding, I accept Roarke’s apology, the movement dislodging his palm from my throat. “What could be more important than me comforting, consoling, and counseling Katya?”

“Let. Her. Go.” Eyes flicking around, Roarke and I both realize the ballroom is as empty as it was when we arrived. “Put out one fire at a time– Marcus needs to talk to you.”