Page 13

From the outside looking in, Cortez and I would look like two lovers having a romantic breakfast in the solarium, overlooking the snowy white back lawns at Whittenhower Estates. The view, the company, and the food are spectacular. Is this what our future could hold? God, I hope so…

The only highlight is how last night Caleb forced Faith to give us Shadow Haven back, with hundreds of witnesses. Since the cat was out of the bag, that it wasn’t me, Olivia, and Adelaide wreaking havoc across Dominion, it wasn’t just to punish us.

It was too late to give Olivia back her club in Las Vegas, because Dalton had gifted it to his brother, Bruno. Caleb admitted he was the one who purchased French Kissed Kink for Olivia when he arrived back home, because he wanted her to stay in Dominion near her children. Caleb made sure Dalton and Spyder knew their mother hadn’t harmed them in any way.

As for Adelaide, she’s bleeding guilt for some reason, admitting her stay in Wintercrest was self-imposed. If Grant hadn’t already been mute, he probably would have cut his own vocal cords, refusing to ever speak whatever secret they share. Oddly, they share that secret with Boyd.

Faith tried to argue, saying the evildoers wanted me to bleed, which is why they’ve behaved since Shadow Haven was taken from us. But then Ava spoke up, not going into detail, admitting she took the sex video of Niel and Whitney under duress, taking the blame for their predicament. I wanted to drill my daughter for details, but Faith wouldn’t let me, even going as far as to tell Katya she’d physically remove her from the ballroom if she didn’t wait until a private moment to ask. Regina looked like she wanted to eviscerate both my wife and daughter over the fact that she’s to become a grandmother.

Having nothing to do with our childhood friendship, and everything to do with how Caleb Green is an honorable, ethical, justice-minded human being, he asked Faith to look in the mirror, saying she was breaking her own moral code.

To appease the evildoers, I didn’t get my birthright back. Faith ordered Boyd to place the deed in Cort’s name, with our children to be added to the deed when they each reach the age of majority.

Shadow Haven is our legacy, and it’s back in the family.

Cortez, the kids, and Aaron and Kayla are going home. Roarke is staying behind to babysit me. Marcus, Regina, and Spyder are staying at the castle, for everyone’s sake. The dark cloud hovering is how Katya will not be coming home to Shadow Haven. Ever.

“I’m not sure I can do this.” Staring down at the buttery croissant on my plate, I won’t be able to taste it. “I’m trying to be selfless, but I don’t have a selfless bone in my body. I want to be with you and the kids. I guess that truly shows what Katya was getting at. Even for her, out of respect for her, I’m not sure I can do it.”

“You can.” Cort pointedly says, palm coming to rest on mine on top of the table. “ You will , because you won’t have a choice.”

“Me not having a choice?” A harsh bark of humorless laughter forces its way between my clenched teeth. “Until recently, I didn’t even have a choice over what half of me did to my body.”

Cortez ignores my comment, and even to my own ears, it sounds like I’m trying to make excuses.

“You need to resolve this first, because I need to know I’m not a consolation prize. From the moment Katya set foot into Dominion, we were kindred on one thing. Neither of us knowing if you were with us out of past regret, if you truly loved us, or whether or not you could truly love with your mental illness. I can’t let you in until I know for sure. This is our future we are discussing. We’re adults now– our whole lives we’ve reacted on instinct and emotion. No more. For once, I’m putting our children above your needs.”

“Cortez.” Frustrated and hurt he’d ever think I’d feel that way about him. “Never! Never were you a consolation prize. Katya wasn’t either. I will admit how I brought Katya in out of misguided guilt and a need to provide a family for my daughter, but I do very much love her. But mostly, I never thought you could be happy with just me. Just you and me .”

“That is my fault,” Cort admits without hesitation. “I have run from you since we met Faith. Mostly out of fear. In a way, my issues mirrored your illness, because I had no idea what the fuck I wanted.”

“You were just a boy, Cort. Look around at the next generation. Don’t they look like babies? Niel’s going to be a father, and I can hardly believe it. I look at him in awe, and then I realize I was the same age as Niel when Zane was born. As an adult now, I wouldn’t expect from our children what was expected from us. You were a boy, Cort– there was no way in hell you could have possibly known what you wanted for the rest of your life.”

“Now I’m a thirty-three-year-old man, and I know what I want. But I’m not going to risk it by rushing in blindly. Katya and I have had months to dissolve our relationship and evolve it into something more familial. We had to decide to trust one another, so we could form a strong bond for our children. I understand Katya more now than I did when I was her husband for three years. That’s my point, Ezra.”

“I know.” Frustrated and filled with self-loathing, I drop my fork to clatter on my plate. “I fucking get it, okay? I don’t want to get it– that’s the issue. I want to grab our kids and run back home to Shadow Haven, and never leave again. I don’t want to resolve this. I not going to lie and say I wouldn’t be happy if Katya joined us. And I’m not going to lie and say I’m okay that she won’t be.”

“You wouldn’t be happy,” Cort practically snarls back. “Katya wouldn’t be happy. I wouldn’t be happy. The kids would be miserable, because we would be miserable. We all deserve better than that. You just don’t want to feel the guilt!”

“Guilt!” I shout back. “Fuck guilt! You have no idea how it feels!” Screaming, my voice breaks under the strain as I hold my temples against the violent pressure building in my skull. “My soul bleeds evil. I’m tainted. A shroud of darkness has settled over me for all the evil deeds I’ve committed! If holding on to Katya makes me feel better–”

“NO!” Cort shouts, pointing his forefinger an inch from my nose. “I don’t know the tenets of your religion, but you know mine! You want redemption? You want the smudge removed from your soul? Ask! Ask! Apologize and mean it. Do good deeds for those you’ve hurt. Commit acts that don’t benefit you. Redeem yourself. And the first act is to let Katya go– really let her go. Let the guilt, the pain, and the shame go.”

The anger in Cortez dissipates, leaving only pain behind. “Let it go for Katya.”

“I will,” is a whispered promise, unable to truly speak around the knot forming in the back of my throat.

Ashamed.

“You will let it go, Ezra. You have to. For Katya and for all of us. But it’s going to take some time to work through it.” Overcome with emotions, Cortez keeps speaking softer and softer. “You need to heal from the past more so than the rest of us. You need to come to terms with your sins. You need to promise yourself that you won’t do it again. Do it for yourself. I will wait– I’ll hold everything together while you put yourself back together.”

“How will I know?” I whimper. My head falls forward, tears streaming down my cheeks. I really have no idea how I will know when it’s time. “How will I know when it’s time to come home?”

“Trust me.” Cort reaches across the table to clasp my hand, squeezing in comfort, thumb caressing the back of my hand. “You’ll just know when it’s time to come home. When you no longer feel the guilt over Katya. You’ll always regret. Wish you’d done things differently. You’ll still love her, miss her, and want her in your life. But your emotions won’t be tainted by the past. When you finally feel it, come home to me.”

“How did you know Kat and you were finished?” I ask out of more than curiosity, hoping whatever worked for him will work for me.

“It was gradual for both of us. One day I woke up, and I didn’t want to pretend anymore. I was always the boy who lived in my imagination, but I needed to be a man who lived in reality. I realized the reality I envisioned was far better than anything I could imagine. When you want the same reality as I do, you’ll come find me.”

The surety in Cortez’s voice, the sincerity in his stormy eyes, it gives me the confidence I seek. Cortez will always be there for me, as surely as Marcus ever was. I have the support system I need, I just have to ask for the help after I apologize.

“I’m sorry.” The sincerity in my tone is hard to deny. “For every single betrayal and lie, even the ones I didn’t intentionally mean to harm you. I never thought of consequences. I did what I thought was right, for me , without thinking of the consequences for everyone else. I’m not asking for your forgiveness because I expect you to forgive me. I’m not asking so you’ll love me or help me. I think– I think I just need you to realize I never, ever wanted to hurt you. A few times I thought I did, but when I saw your pain, I hurt worse than you did. To the point I almost couldn’t live through the pain. That is why Master Ez and Ezra never left me, because I wasn’t ready to face the consequences.”

“Wow.” Cort breathlessly mouths. “Wow. For the first time, I could tell you actually meant every word. You weren’t lying to me or yourself. Thank you.” Cort’s lips twist into a wicked smirk, and I know I will simultaneous love and hate what he’s about to say next. “I forgive you, but I’ll never forget.”

“I can respect that.” There’s a reason it’s called a hard truth or a bitter pill to swallow, suffering the consequences of your actions should never be easy. Right now, I’m living, breathing, and emotionally dying my consequences.

“It doesn’t matter if you respect it or not, Ezra. It’s my call.” With a challenging arch of his eyebrow, Cortez waits for me to argue like I would have just yesterday morning.

Taking a deep breath, I hold Cort’s gaze, waiting until he falls into our bond. “I integrated.”

“Holy fuck!” Cort gasps in surprise, looking more stunned than if I told him I’d grown a vagina overnight. Gray eyes wide, mouth agape, Cort’s fork clatters against the plate, because his hand is shaking so badly.

“I feel like a stinking newborn, learning how to do everything.” Giddy, I finally get to talk about the most important thing that has happened to me, because everything has overshadowed my integration.

“I feel energized. Enlivened. Nerves raw and exposed. But the downside is how I finally see it as me doing these horrific acts, not Master Ez or Ezra. I accept responsibility, and I understand if everyone is petrified and loathes me. I expect it– the distrust. When I integrated, I wanted to celebrate feeling whole, but I also wanted to be ill for all the horrendous acts I perpetrated against all those I love. It’s the first time I feel insane, but I guess that means I’m not,” is muttered wryly.

“Congratulations.” Cort is at a loss for words for once.

“Thank you.” Suddenly shy, I can’t fight back the blush pinking my cheeks. With a deep sigh, I fortify myself. “What do you want? What do you want out of life? What do you want from me?”

Chuckling, Cort just stares at me for a few suspended moments, sensing how I long to crawl into his mind and discover how he ticks.

“Newborns have to learn to sit up before they walk, right? Well, we’ll go about this one day at a time. What do I want?” Cortez muses, secretly smiling to himself– he knows how I hate not knowing his inner most thoughts. I shift around in my chair since my pants have gotten uncomfortably tight in the groin region– Cort’s defiance turns me on like mad.

“Yes. What do you want, Cortez?” is a rolling purr while I heatedly stare my man down. “Do tell.”

Cort’s responding delighted chuckle has my eyelids falling heavy. “Home. I wanted to go home, and I finally am. I want my children in my home with me, and I will happily take four days out of seven. I want to help with homework, and make lunches, and go to parent/teacher conferences. I want to write while my kids are sleeping and at school. I want a good relationship with their mothers. Katya and I are going to be fine. Faith and I?” Cort snorts.

“Impossible, that. As uncomfortable as it is, we know we love one another. House. Career. Happy children. Happy mothers.” Cort parts his palms as if to say there you have it!

“And?” I prompt, getting the sweats. Selfish Ezra wants to scream, and me? What about me?!

“I want my children to thrive, but I know they’ll grow up and move on to live their own lives, since I’m not the center of their universe. One day, they will find that special person. That’s the void Katya is feeling, by the way– the lack of gravitational pull toward another human being. If I live my life for the kids, who I am when they leave? So if I nurture my relationship with their father… we’ll have an amazing happily ever after.”

“Oh, thank God!” pours out in a rush. “I really thought you were going to say the hell with me. When can I come home?” I ask, knowing what Cort will say but having to ask anyway.

“Only when you are ready.” The warning takes on a flirty air. “We have some ground rules, of course.”

“Of course.” Trying to keep my composure, I bite back a grimace. “I just love rules.”

“I can’t have you coming to Shadow Haven as if you live there. There has to be a clear separation. We can’t playact a happy family– we have to truly be a happy family first. I can’t fake it anymore. So you may visit, but no living there until you can commit to all of it. My next rule is how I only want affection and companionship. No sex until you commit to me, and only me. Other than Katya, everyone else will be a betrayal.”

Eyes slipping shut in pain, I end up uttering in a dead voice. “You’re running again, aren’t you? You’re going to freeze me out now. You’re going to punish me.”

Cort’s eyes narrow, thoroughly offended by my statement. Our trust from last night is bending under the strain. “No, and as much as it pains me that you’d think that, I do understand. It was my modus operandi.”

“My apologies again.” I formally state, and Cort nods at me in thanks.

“These past few months, it was a way for me to show you how it could be between us. To show you how I want it to be. When we were kids, I gave you unlimited companionship. When we first became lovers, I was inexperienced and insecure. Over our adult life, we’ve known true love and the loyalty of suffering. I want you to imagine having unlimited access to my body, my mind, my heart, and my soul. All at the same time.”

A soft gasp fills the silence, I realize it came from my mouth. I have no idea what my expression reveals, but whatever it shows makes Cortez blush.

Shifting in his seat, Cort pulls an envelope from his back pocket, lips twisting in a smile filled with sorrow. He manages to evoke being proud and heartbroken at the same time.

Cortez removes the Christmas present I gave him from the envelope– a contract stating he owns my ass as of New Year’s Eve, which was my deadline for finishing what I started with Whitt and Dalton.

Holding my gaze, Cortez tears the contract in half. The rip sounds like a gunshot, final and life-changing. Tears sting my eyes, having no way of knowing why he would do such a thing. Ever-arrogant and sure of myself, I never thought I’d lose Katya, and now I could possibly be losing Cortez too. Never in my wildest imaginings did I think that was possible. It’s a very humbling moment.

“I know you will come home to me eventually.” The contract falls to land on his breakfast plate. “I had doubted, truly doubted that I would ever be enough for you. Wondered if I was strong enough to survive you. Realizing Katya could very well take you away from me, it made me recognize I’d do anything to keep you , and I mean anything .”

The sudden confidence Cortez displays shocks me to my core. The more unsettled I become, the stronger he gets. “You don’t have to do anything to keep me– I’m yours.”

“I know.” Cort stands from his seat, looking down at me. “What I allowed to control me was the insecurity of a boy, and I’m a man now.”

Cortez slowly walks around the small dinette to hover over me. Then he places the sweetest, softest of goodbyes to my lips. “You’ll either come home or you won’t. But either way, I’ll survive. I’ll either survive the loss of you or survive life with you. But only one way will I thrive. Once you come home, we won’t need a contract for how tightly we will be bound.”

Breathless, speechless, I watch as a very confident Cortez walks away from me. How our positions have reversed. A confident Cort, with me being insecure.

While I integrated, Cort became a man.