Page 29 of Integrated (Mistress & Master of Restraint #11)

Storming from the room, hand cradled to my chest, it’s taking everything not to go back in there and slaughter the man I love and respect more than anyone. That’s not true anymore, is it? I just defended Katya for the first time, and I feel as if I regained my manhood.

Invigorated.

Blinded by my own shit, my own failings, and my own arrogance, Katya’s need to be dignified by suffering in silence meant I wasn’t available to defend her when I should have been. The fact that Marcus tried to fuck my wife, honestly believing she would fall under his spell, shows how very little he truly knows the woman.

Katya’s trust issues are well earned, and those impenetrable walls have been erected higher and higher the longer she’s been in Dominion, until no one is getting in, even her own children. I don’t blame her after how we’ve treated her, not one bit.

Too little, too late, but that’s okay with me, as this was more about reclaiming who I need to be while saying goodbye to who I used to be, than an effort to lure Katya back into my web. Quite frankly, I believe my wife is better off without the whole lot of us now.

In a way, I was also defending Cortez and myself, finally looking at past events with clear eyes. If a grown man or woman touched Ava or Zane right now, I would have that predator tossed into prison before the day is out. At the same time, I understand how they would feel responsible, blaming themselves for what occurred, because that’s how the dynamic between Marcus and me was born.

The victim often times harbors immense guilt, especially if their assailant is convicted and imprisoned, as if they’re personally to blame for putting someone in prison, when it was the heinous actions that landed them there in the first place. It’s irrational guilt but human nature, something I’ve suffered a lifetime with, even fracturing because of it.

I blamed myself for my mother’s rape, at the hands of both my birth father and my adoptive father, but no more. That is on Raymond Hunter and Marcus Zeitler. If my mother wishes to take part of the blame, that’s on her.

I’m out.

The founders truly were a scourge on Dominion, infecting everyone, especially those who saw themselves above it all. Take Faith for instance, our judge, jury, and executioner, forever blaming Cortez for messing around with Fate, when he was sixteen and her sister was a twenty-year-old grown women. In a chain of cause and effect, that event caused Cort to spiral out of control, which means Faith has some blame in the very actions she shames Cort for doing. It was an edict passed down from MdJ, one where Cortez didn’t even know existed, yet Faith has never forgiven him for his own violation.

What Marcus did to Cortez in the powder room, many will blame Cort if it becomes common knowledge, instead of putting blame where blame is due.

Dominion is a city of shamers, shaming those who have been victimized, while absolving those who commit the crimes.

I truly saw my actions in the maze that of healing. Therapy. Not infidelity with Regina and Whitt, even though Katya sees the event from a differing point-of-view. Whitt and Dalton were negotiated upon, and the guilt I suffer for actually going through with it is suffocating.

Virtuous Regina, who loves to go around spewing how we all behave badly, she should have never in a million years asked such a thing of Whitt or me, then later of Marcus as well. Those actions, and the resulting consequences are on her. I’ll pay my dues, accepting the dissolution of my marriage because I tried to help a woman who has been bullying my wife when no one was looking. Yes, my actions put Regina in a place where she was susceptible, yet she doesn’t get to sink to my level then act as if she’s better than us all– that’s the difference.

Dr. Zeitler prescribes a heavy dose of self-reflection, if only that was something I could write on my prescription pad.

Dominion is toxic. Its taint is addictive. Infectious. Cancerous.

Thank God above we had that Christmas meeting, where Ma?tre du Jeu as we knew it has been dissolved, leaving us as a united front against a common enemy, with the purpose of lifting us all to our potential.

Feigning or not, that behavior Marcus and Regina are exhibiting destroys relationships and lives. It’s addictive, as I would know, and difficult to stop once it snowballs. They were supposed to be the rational ones, the ethical and moral ones– the ones who helped drag us out of the shit we sunk ourselves into. Yet they’re hopping in with us, burying us deeper, and that will be our ultimate downfall.

Never in my life have I struck someone, which is evident by the fact that my hand is throbbing, signaling I broke something necessary. I didn’t know how to throw a punch, but Marcus knew how to take one, which means I’m the only one who suffered any injuries. The scope of my experiences with physical violence is from being on the receiving end. The worst beating I ever suffered was from Regina’s man-hands, leaving me broken for weeks, the healing slow.

How many times do I need to pay for what happened in our private room at Restraint, when I was fractured and not in control of my own actions? I know it will never go away for Regina, which is something I’d slit my wrists over if I knew it would do any good. She needs more help, when I thought she was getting it from the therapist I recommended. I thought we were in a good place, but she’s sunk to where she is priding herself on being a victim while victimizing others, with Marcus joining her.

That beating I took, it was because of Katya blowing Marcus during her initiation. Yes, I will fully agree it was wrong. But Regina blames me, she blames Kat, when she should blame Marcus. No one knows but the two of us how Marcus came to me an hour before the initiation was to start, purposefully asking for the blowjob, stating it was to regain the balance between us.

An eye for an eye.

A blowjob for a blowjob.

I allowed Katya to be victimized again because Marcus demanded it of me and I’m incapable of telling him no. Regina beat me, broke me, used a strap-on on me as Cortez took care of a pregnant Katya who was coming down from her initiation and learning she just blew her future father-in-law in front of his girlfriend. All of it harming the foundation I was trying to build with Katya and Cort, and it was never right since.

Just as in the maze, Marcus demanded I cheat on Katya and Cort with Regina that night too, bringing up balance and righting wrongs, manipulating me as that is something I can never deny. Regina went along with it, and I won’t use not being able to say no to Marcus as an excuse. I was a passive participant as Regina fucked me.

Afterward Regina blamed Katya for being a faithless whore because of that blowjob, completely erasing her culpability and the fact that Katya had no idea who she was touching, going on the trust and blind faith she placed in me. Marcus got both the blowjob and the attention he demanded, and Regina got to beat me and fuck me.

Who exactly in that scenario were the monsters? The faithless whores? It surely wasn’t Katya, and not even me.

In the ultimate of topping from the bottom, Regina and Marcus have been on a decade-long spree, harming us in ways we were too blind to see. But Katya saw it, didn’t she? Which is why Marcus is to be nowhere near her ever again.

I see everything with clear eyes now.

Charging down the hallway toward the main staircase, the Mr. Smiths and Roarke don’t even register in with my thoughts, mind roaring over what I need to do next.

Ava.

My daughter is a child, and no doubt on top of Regina’s shit list now. I have no idea the circumstances surrounding the video, but I will treat my daughter as a child, not as a grown woman.

Running headlong into a surprisingly strong chest, elegant arms curl around me. In the silence, my blood pounding in my ears, Grant embraces me to keep me on my feet. Roarke comes in with an assist, palms landing heavily on my shoulders.

“What’s up with the hand, bub?” Roarke tries to pry my arm from my chest, a struggle for dominance ensuing. “We chased your ass down the hallway. What happened?”

Grant makes a ghastly sound in the back of his throat, attempting to communicate since no one was looking at him. A few pages of notebook paper are thrust into my non-injured hand, then the man ghosts back from whence he came.

“Yeah, Grant was writing like a lunatic the whole time you and Marcus were battling it out. Better read it, then we’ll go get your hand put back together.”

Falling to land against the hallway wall, I ignore everything around me, barely acknowledging Agent Smirk is in the shadows. Letter in hand, I lean against Roarke for moral support, allowing Grant’s silent voice to wash over me.

Ezra,

I’ve hesitated over the past few months to reach out to you. We were never close, but with us sharing a home, I noticed the changes in everyone around me. This advice is for you, but it’s to benefit the relationship you need to foster with Katya.

Over four years ago, I was sitting with Marcus when he got the call. We loaded into your SUV, driving nearly four hours to the New York/Pennsylvania border. You, Cortez, Aaron, Roarke, Marcus, and me.

We had discovered Ava was your daughter, and you wanted to bring your family back to Dominion. While you, Cortez, and Aaron were running down memory lane’s hiking trail with Katya, the rest of us were not going to sit in the car. That was not polite.

Marcus, Roarke, and I, Ava led us into her grandparents’ home, chattering at us– the little girl was thrilled to meet people from a big city. It took approximately two heartbeats before I pushed Marcus and Ava out of the house, signing how they should sit on the patio and get to know one another.

Fate.

Destiny.

Dominion’s uncanny ability to create chaos.

Whatever you call what happened next, it was meant to be. Roarke and I were greeted by Max and Clara Waters, only that’s not who we knew them to be. Roarke was stunned, staring at his older sister like he was witnessing a ghost. Maybe he was, since he suffered for so long over the loss of Lara. Clara and Lara were a few years apart in age, but nearly identical in every way.

While Roarke suffered through Dominion’s histrionics, I stood face-to-face with my uncle. There was no mistaking him for anyone but my mother’s brother. He may have moved away when I was eight, but he didn’t stay away.

Unlike Clara, Uncle Maximillian came to Dominion several times per month for the entirety of my life, including recently. This is not something I’ve shared with Katya, simply because it’s her father’s right to do so.

Loyalty is a savage beast, isn’t it?

My loyalty to my family outweighed the loyalty I had to you, even if I weighed Marcus with you. I made my uncle a promise, and I upheld that promise.

When you and your family were displaced, having to move to Misery Castle, I was bursting with excitement. Over the years, Katya and I grew close, but she has the uncanny ability to freeze people out of her personal space. I ached for intimacy with my cousin, but I couldn’t explain that.

Luck was not on my side, because my mother was off on the campaign trail with Kent and Katie. I was biding my time, waiting for my mother to return home for Christmas, knowing Katya would come face-to-face with her aunt.

A come to Jesus moment in the making, much like that which took place back in Pennsylvania for Roarke.

Fate, that fickle whore, she intervened when Regina and Katya walked in on an intimate moment. I’m sure you’ve heard bad things about me since Faith is no longer speaking to me, but I did not set it up, no more than you did when Cortez walked in on you with Dexter.

What ensued was the equivalent of three feral cats trapped together in a pillow case– a pillow case being beaten against the side of the bridge before dropping it into the raging waters below.

It was not pretty.

Hours before Katya would be seated at the Christmas morning breakfast table with her aunt, Faith had a conflict of conscience, while Regina was tearing Katya a new asshole. Harsh truths flowed like water from our petite sadist, because she believed me to have betrayed her trust.

The only consolation I can take from that miscommunication is how Faith was real with Katya for the first time.

Katya needed to know, Ezra.

A boon for you. Faith doesn’t hate Katya– she hates herself. It would only be reasonable to assume if Clara and Lara looked identical, Katya would take after her mother’s features. We all experienced the ups and downs of when Faith turned into Syn. Looking at the face of her dead momma, the one she mercy killed, that is not easy for Faith.

Another boon. The two people closest to you who are losing their shit, their malfunction is directly correlated to the dissolution of your marriage. What they feared, they created. What you sought to do with Katya and Cort, they held out hope of replicating. Since it hadn’t worked from the start, mostly with their aid, they have been slowly unraveling. In this, I am the one in control. The one with all the power. I am the one who will right the wrongs, when they are both ready.

They aren’t ready, not yet anyway. Nor were they ready when I tried many years ago, which is why I let them be. But eventually they will grow up, stop being destructive, and learn from their mistakes.

No one knows Marcus and Regina as I do, failing to see how they both cycle through periods of destructive behavior. The issue is how they are concurrently cycling together.

I’m building Marcus a house on Lake Serenity, but only he can make it a home.

Concentrate on yourself and your family– I’ll take care of them.

As the observer, I won’t lie– I eavesdropped on your conversation with Marcus. I’m writing this letter as you both argue.

People talk to me, and I listen. Much the same as you do in your profession. The difference is how you are head-blind when it comes to those you love, unable to help them when they need you the most.

I’m probably the only one who grasps what you’re losing right now. Even Cort doesn’t believe you love and want Katya as much as you love and want him. You and I, we both know that’s not true.

This is my advice, and you need to take it…

You’ve already lost Katya.

While you feel as if she’s now in control, that is not the case. You have the power to accept your fate. You have to control the way you act and react to Katya, as your behavior will affect hers.

You must hear Katya. Not listen. HEAR.

Katya will always be your wife, but you will no longer be her husband. Maybe someday someone else will have that honor– maybe not. But she will forever be your wife. You need to learn how to treat her as such. Give her the respect the position entails that you have not bestowed upon her.

You need to be the man Katya needs you to be.

I won’t lessen the impact of that statement by adding “if you love her…”

Katya needs space, not to run from you but to find herself. She needs to get right with herself. She needs to heal. She needs to find her self-worth, where she fits into this world, and to recognize her own value. She needs to seek peace with her parents. Katya cannot do that with you hovering over her like a sullen, apologetic storm cloud.

Not unlike Zane, Katya is empathetic and sympathetic– she can feel your agony and sense your contrition. How can she heal if your emotions are overpowering her own? She’s a caring person who will always put you first, so she needs you to be out of her orbit to concentrate on herself.

Don’t make your wife feel selfish– be selfless for once and put her needs above your own. Stay away.

Divorce Katya.

Don’t hold onto hope that she will move back into Shadow Haven and everything will be as it was. That’s fantasy when Katya needs the brutal honesty of reality.

Let Katya live a life of her own choosing. Be the man she needs you to be. Be the first person in her life to put her first by allowing her to choose her own destiny.

Be her co-parent. Be her friend. Be her confidant. Evolve together. Grow intimacy through continual selfless acts. Your relationship may be that as friends, family, co-parents, even lovers, but if you aren’t the man Katya needs you to be, you’ll lose her forever.

Katya is not one to let anyone in, but once she does, it’s forever.

Be the man Katya needs to be, and you’ll get to keep the woman she becomes forever.

You’re the only one with the power to choose who you are to Katya. Choose wisely.

–Grant.