Page 25 of Integrated (Mistress & Master of Restraint #11)

“Ez?” Cort cautiously asks. “What’s wrong? You’ve seemed off since you got here a few hours ago. He crouches down in front of me as I sit at the breakfast table. Sightlessly staring at Cort, his concern hits me hard.

“Ezra.” Cort orders in a commanding tone he never uses on me. “Talk.”

Drawing in a deep breath, I release it in the form of words. “I abused Kat. Marcus abused Kat. You even abused her because of me. I’ve irrevocably harmed the mother of our children,” is muttered in a dead voice.

“Alright, what the fuck is going on? I’m not playing around– explain yourself,” he tightly demands. Face red with anger, Cort’s eyes crinkle at the corners, lips drawn in a tight line.

“I know that forty-eight hours isn’t enough time to get my shit in order, but I spent the majority of that time either apologizing or feeling insane. I showed up at Katya’s house around three a.m. and she was waiting for me, knowing I was coming… and she wanted to clear the air.”

“I noticed how Kat could barely look at you, not that you’d know, considering you were refusing to look at her too.” No judgment in his tone, Cort leans on my knee as he crouches down beside me. “What happened?”

“Kat let me have it– told me how she really feels, made me see the truth of my actions. She made me put everything into perspective. I’m a real bastard. Other than killing women, my behavior is worse than Ray’s, because I hurt those closest to me.”

“That’s not true.” Cort attempts to comfort me with lies, palm squeezing my knee.

“Bullshit!” I spit. “If you want me to heal, then you need to start telling me how it truly is, so I can keep myself in check. As I raised Zane, Katya was in the back of my mind the entire time. I knew it only took once to create a life, that’s why I was so crazed to find her. I just felt Ava was out there somewhere, needing me. Then there was you, carousing with females. The only thing I’ve ever wanted was you, then later, my children. When I found Katya, I still didn’t know of Ava. But I saw Kat as a means to an end, and that end was you. I could sugarcoat it, but I won’t.”

“You don’t have to say it out loud– I know what you’re getting at,” Cort mutters, knowing just how difficult this is for me to admit. “It was just a horrific miscommunication. Kitten and I were discussing it last night–”

“Cort, no. Don’t defend me. Not anymore. I wanted Katya for a few reasons, and not one of them were for the right reasons. I didn’t initially want Kat because I loved her and couldn’t live without her. First, I felt guilty and wanted her to be happy. Second, I thought I needed a woman to make you happy. Third, I thought if we came together, I could give you children. The laughable thing is how when it was all said and done, I fell for Katya. Hard. Now I have to deal with the consequences of losing her. None of that was a miscommunication.”

“But, Ez–” Cort pleads with me. “It was fate, or it wouldn’t have happened.”

“Fate isn’t a tenet of my religion, Cort. We create our own fate, and the outcome is determined by our actions. I. Was. Wrong.”

“Beliefs aside, Katya and I have no regrets. Sad? Hell yes. Pain? A constant ache. Guilt, remorse, fear, shame, but not one single regret, because to regret one thing is to regret Marcus Zane and Azrael. Don’t regret.”

“Fine.” Trying to figure out how to voice this, I stare down at how steady and sure Cort’s tan hand looks resting on my knee.

“I can reason out the rape, because neither one of us wanted to have it happen. I can excuse my twisted reasons for drawing Katya into our lives, creating more children, and marrying her, because in the end I truly love her. But I cannot rationalize how I’ve treated Katya– how I’ve allowed others to treat her. Since I cannot reason it out, I sure as fuck cannot forgive myself. I’ve been a monster. I’ve behaved worse than Raymond. I could blame it on mental illness, something rotten in my DNA, but those are just excuses to do whatever the fuck I wanted without consequence.”

“Ezra, you must forgive yourself.” Cort orders, fingertips clenching on knee.

“Cort, what I need from you as my partner is to tell me the truth. You need to keep me firmly rooted in reality. I will never use mental illness as an excuse, or my past as an excuse to behave as a monster, or the game as a reason to inflict pain on others. I know true pain because I feel it right now. You must tell me the second you see me going off course, because you’re my conscience.”

“Okay,” Cort mutters, looking at me like he’s worried I’ve lost it.

“Cortez, I feel more together right now than I ever have. I’m integrated. I am not insane. I might feel crazed, but that’s circumstance not mental illness. I recognize how I need to feel the pain in order to learn from it. Our daughters are fourteen and three. Our sons are fifteen and three. I have to lead by example, and Ava is now walking in my footsteps.”

“You’re frightened for Ava, aren’t you?” Cort says in surprise.

“Aren’t you?” I ask, wondering of Cortez’s mental status. “I’m frightened for Ava. We were so stuck on ourselves at her age, but she’s going after adults with Generation Next and whatever else we don’t know about.”

“I’m frightened for her too, but I didn’t believe you could see it. I thought you’d be blind to it. I know you love Ava. But as we all do with you, we do with Ava. We let you do whatever you wish, because when we try to stop you, you behave worse than what we were trying to stop in the first place.”

“I apologize for that, and I can’t promise I won’t do it again. But I’ll try my damnedest not to. Do you think I don’t hear the whispers of Katya’s poor mothering? Well, it should be me scourged across our circle of friends and family. Ava is emulating me. We’d tied Katya’s hands behind her back, and all of her pain and frustration is a product of that.”

“Hey, I heard it too, but I’ll admit it made me feel better as a father, and that makes me a horrible human being.” Cort squeezes my fingertips in solidarity. “It was just easier not to defend her.”

“Ava used our discord to her advantage. I have to start thinking of Ava as if she were me– a ‘ what would I do?’ kind of thing. I’m putting my children and you and Katya first. Katya may not be my wife for long, but I owe her the respect I’ve withheld for the past fifteen years. She may never forgive my heinous actions. She may never trust me again. Eventually I will do right by Katya, and not for her sake, but for mine.”

“Thank you, Ezra.” Cort whispers in relief a moment before he slumps to the kitchen floor. “I was so worried you’d just feel hurt and rejected, not see the wider picture.”

“I get it, Cortez,” I fiercely bite out. “I’ve always gotten it. I fractured to deal with my actions, then I integrated because I was finally strong enough to live with the truth. My OCD is partly over the abduction, fear of you being taken again. But that isn’t the entire truth. My OCD is a way of coping with the fact that I cannot sleep. I have insomnia, because when I close my eyes at night, all I see are the horrific events I’ve done to everyone.”

“Oh, Ez!” Cort cries out, feeling the pain I feel because he loves me that much.

“I know I’m no longer Catholic and that you aren’t a Priest, but I need to confess to feel free. Will you listen? I want you to understand how much you mean to me, how much I trust you, and I’ll show you that by confessing what plagues me.”

“Yes,” he whispers, barely a breath of sound.

“My first crime was knowing who my birth father was and never telling you. I felt there was more to the story, so I withheld it. My second crime was when I withheld our familial connection. I learned of that on the same night I learned I was a product of rape. I was ashamed and worried you could never love me if you knew the truth. I feared you could never love me the way I loved you because we were cousins. I feared you could never love me because I was evil.”

“You. Are. Not. Evil.” Cortez fiercely professes into my face, fingers gripping my chin, making sure I can’t look away from his penetrating gaze.

“I know that now . But back then, I was just a kid.” I practically whine as Cort holds my face. “It was so painful that I couldn’t live with the truth, so I fractured to survive. I still struggle with whether or not I’m evil on an hour-to-hour basis. Neutral. Evil. Neutral. Evil. Because we both know I can never be classified as good.”

Cort snorts, trying not to laugh. “Truer words have never been spoken.” As he speaks, his lips twist into a wicked smirk. “Good is boring, and you’re good at being bad. Besides, I love a naughty man.”

“You better,” I mutter, struggling not to smile back. “I was never ashamed we were cousins– I need you to know that. If they would’ve told me you were my brother, I would’ve still wanted you for myself. I would’ve killed anyone who knew, so you would’ve never found out though.” I admit in all seriousness. “I was ashamed of my creation- the man and the woman. My parents are as good and bad as I am.”

“Even in that motel, I knew Ray loved you.” Hesitating, Cort admits a universal truth. “ Loved us .”

“I know.” Sucking in a deep breath, I release it on a sigh. “Ray told me he loved us when I went to see him in prison. But I didn’t believe Ray until he took the fall for Katya and Adelaide. Evil can still feel love, and that’s what I struggle with daily.”

“ You’re not evil .” Cortez stresses with conviction again, and my only response is to smile at the confidence he has in me. “I understood Ray to a certain extent, no matter how evil his actions were.”

“My next crime was letting you live through the ordeal with Ray. I could have said that Zane was mine, but I understood my father like no other. He would have done those deeds anyway. No matter what. Ray is sick, and it was feeding his sickness. I need you to understand that even though I didn’t experience the punches, the rapes, the beatings, the starvation and dehydration, I felt it. I felt all of it for you.”

“I know.” Cort quietly murmurs while struggling to keep the memories from descending. “It’s why everyone chooses me to be your whipping boy. They know if they hurt me, they hurt you.”

“I’m sorry.” I breathe the words Katya refuses me to speak. Cortez hears the sincerity in my voice and sees the agony streaking down my cheeks in a torrent of tears. He knows I mean the words, and he accepts them.

“I didn’t claim Zane for all those years because I was trying to be a bastard, or because I didn’t believe Zane was worthy as a son, or you weren’t worthy as a father. I was trying to protect you both, so that neither of you would pay my consequences within MdJ. As long as I didn’t claim Zane, he was safe. That’s why Ray was so adamant. You weren’t the only person demanding the truth on a daily basis. I wanted my son to be safe from all of us.”

“Oh.” Cort sounds deflated that he hadn’t realized it sooner.

“But I should have told you in private. Just you and me. Our life has been a constant struggle of push and pull. We’d draw the other in, then push them away. A few times I pushed you away for your own good. Dexter was my way of protecting you. Do you honestly believe I hadn’t spoken to Divina that day? I knew you were coming to me, and I knew why. Right then, there were some major game plays happening. Horrific plays . I needed you to be safe, so I pushed you as far away as possible.”

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Cort whimpers. Giving up all pretense of not being upset, Cort collapses to sit by my feet on our kitchen floor, crying in the silence.

“Because I was a fool. Because I was raised in a way not to trust. Because I’ve been playing the game since I was sixteen years old, and I’m tainted by it. Because even though I was twenty-one when I used Dexter against you, I thought I was a grown man, when I truly wasn’t. Because I can offer a dozen excuses but none of them make it right. I should trust you in all things. I should go to you for all things. I should keep nothing from you, just as I expect from you in return. It’s taken me thirty-three years to understand, but I see it now, and I will never doubt us again.”

“You don’t doubt us now?” Cort cautiously asks, acting as if he’s waiting for me to tell him that I hate his guts. I don’t blame Cort for being wary, since he’s dealing with an abusive asshole.

Me.

“No, not one bit. We’re stronger than ever. Forever strong. I’ll prove it to you,” is a vow taken. “I could confess the crimes I’ve leveled against Marcus, Regina, the game, and ultimately to Katya. But I feel that I should confess them to each of them individually. I don’t expect to be forgiven, but I need it known that I acknowledge my actions as wrong.”

“What now? Where do we go from here?”

“Today’s gonna suck. After you give me a hug, I need to speak to Marcus to apologize, then kick him in the nads–”

“What?!” Cort squawks, trying not to laugh but failing. His smirk signals that he’s envisioning me punting Marcus in the family jewels.

“I’ll explain after I get Marcus to admit something. The manipulative, perfectly healthy and sane, motherfucking bastard is playing us all against one another.”

“What?!” he squawks again, but this time he’s not amused.

“I’ll tell ya later, after I talk to Marcus. But first I have to shower up, since we didn’t get to because the twins invaded our bedroom.” Aside from washing, I need some stress relief, or I’m going to break again.