Page 32 of Integrated (Mistress & Master of Restraint #11)
“I’m surprised you’re still here,” I whisper to a zoning out Faith as she sits in a waiting room chair outside of Katya’s hospital room. I’m seated next to her, while Cort sits next to me, allowing me to play referee between the pair of them. Since Cort has made his apologies, he now pretends he can deal with Faith. Bullshit. I think Cort is waiting for Faith to apologize too, like that will ever happen.
Deeply sighing in this uncomfortable chair, I’m exhausted by life and the people living it with me.
The past few hours have aged me a decade or more and will forever haunt me. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m Katya’s legal husband, I might not be sitting at this hospital right now. Wil and Faith did their best with Katya, who had a mental break in the powder room. The only way she would calm down was to be away from Cort, me, and Faith.
Caleb gets the MVP award, with Wil with an assist.
Aaron and Kayla stayed home with Ava and the twins, which was a feat with Ava behaving as a bearcat, trying to crawl into the ambulance with her mother. Ava had her mother all to herself for eleven years, so our almost four means squat to my daughter– Ava has an instinctive drive to protect her mother at all costs.
Yet again, Caleb comes to the rescue to talk sense into Ava, since everyone keeps cutting my balls off and serving them to me on a silver platter.
Roarke waited at the hospital with us. But after sitting here for hours, playing video games on his tablet, Roarke got an alert. He tossed the tablet in my lap and hightailed it to Shadow Haven without saying a word.
Stunned but not surprised by what I read in that breaking news article, I was impressed with my daughter’s ingenuity, drive for the truth, unflinching vengeance, and sense of justice.
With or without a broken magic wand, Ava still managed to destroy Regina. As she promised, there’s no way to trace the story to my daughter. Angry at the world, Ava was an anonymous source for the media publication, pretending to be a snoopy member of Misery Castle’s staff, citing what happened on Halloween in the maze, leaving Whitt completely out of it.
Dominion and the rest of the world now know Regina Regal and Dr. Ezra Holden-Zeitler had a scandalous affair, which led to the dissolution of the marriage between Dr. Zeitler and Katya Waters, separating their three children.
The article spun out of control over how a woman with a corporation titled Empowerment would demoralize a fellow wife and mother. It also hammered home how Regina continually cheated on her ex-husband, Daniel Whittenhower II, during the entirety of their marriage, who happened to be the son of her baby daddy.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The punchline was how a well-respected psychiatrist would harm his own wife and children’s mental state, along with betraying his adoptive father by bedding the man’s fiancée.
The only highlight to the ruination of Regina’s and my character is the fact that the article overshadowed Kent Preston’s press release, where he announced Whitney’s pregnancy with a boy who will remain anonymous since he’s a minor as well. Dictated by human nature, teenagers will be teenagers, with hormones ruling their actions, where they all do it but only those who get pregnant get caught . Babies are a blessing not a curse, why punish young women for what is natural? Kent admitted it was Whitney in the video, reminding how she is only seventeen and the video was taken without her consent.
Kent pulled out an imagine if Whitney were your daughter, how violated she and your entire family would feel in a time of great stress . Following it up with how hitting them when they are at their most vulnerable is a mark of a bad human being.
Niel was not mentioned at all, nor was my daughter, but everyone in Dominion knows the truth.
Kent spun it to where bullying Whitney over a video taken against her will, demoralizing her for an unwanted pregnancy, when she is both female and underage, goes against women’s rights and is victim-shaming behavior.
A politician to the core, Kent Preston is now a champion of women and the perfect father, meanwhile Regina’s image is tarnished as being anti-feminism.
The woman was already on edge, getting hit from every direction, and this will be the death knell. If it weren’t for my wife lying in a hospital bed, I might feel sorry for Regina.
If this journey I call life means anything, we all have to take responsibility for our role. Katya hasn’t played a role in Regina’s life– attacking my wife, when she is half Regina’s size, putting her in the hospital, that is unconscionable behavior.
Kent had the right idea– be angry behind closed doors, express your disappointment in your daughter, and spin it to the public. No one gets hurt that way, lessons are learned, behaviors are modified. The baby will be adored.
Good times.
Roarke is taking care of business back at Shadow Haven in my sted, since I cannot leave this hospital with doctors coming and asking me for consent. In a daze, I have no idea what’s happening to Katya, and not because I don’t understand medicine almost as well as they do. Distraught is the only word that fits my mental signature, now I’m steady and holding at exhausted across the board.
By business, Roarke and Aaron had every device in Shadow Haven that hooked to the internet confiscated, then locked in the basement where Roarke’s apartment is located. The router was relocated to the library, which is Cort’s domain, with a keypad entry added to the door, so Ava cannot get in there and access the internet. Cort works from home, thusly he needs to be connected. As for cellphones, Boyd was brought in to install a jammer, effectively killing all 4G signals until after Ava’s prison sentence has ended.
The only connected locations on the entire estate are the basement, where Roarke reins and Aaron and Kayla visit, the library where Cort dwells, and the Jessups’ quarters, which is an outbuilding erected specifically for the keepers of the estate.
Ava folded quickly, under the promise we wouldn’t tell anyone she wrote the article, because it was Spyder who sent it to the media. My daughter used a landline, for what was probably the first time in her life, to pull the trigger on an article she wrote weeks ago, one entrusted in Spyder’s care.
Ava and Spyder are seething, neither having an issue with destroying their father and adoptive brother if it meant taking Regina down, when Regina is Spyder’s future stepmother. Ava did it for her mother and Spyder did it for her father, as if Katya and Marcus are scorned spouses.
Never piss off teenage mean girls– they’re worse than politicians.
Truthfully, my reputation wasn’t a good one to begin with, so this will just wash right off my back, all of it smudging Regina, which was the point Marcus, Katya, and Ava tried to make to me over the past few days.
Women are held to a higher standard, where those same behaviors are forgiven in men. I’m too petrified to look on the internet, because Katya is no doubt being blamed in some capacity for my infidelity, whereas Marcus will never be mentioned. It will come down to Regina being faithless and Katya being undesirable, with Marcus and me going unscathed.
I understand my daughter’s black and white world view, and how the injustice she feels is suffocating, causing her to do things she shouldn’t.
Spyder may not be grounded, because I don’t have the energy to deal with Marcus and Regina right now, but Ava is not allowed to see her aunt any time soon. The girls are toxic together– the leader and the follower, when neither have enough life experience to make sound decisions.
“Gunner’s disappointed in me, and I hate it.” Faith speaks after what feels like hours, looking uncomfortable in more ways than one. Her belly is huge on her tiny frame, no doubt her back hurts from sitting in this worn-out chair for hours on end. She needs to put her feet up.
Reaching over with my good hand, even knowing it will piss Cort off, I rub the small of Faith’s back. “Why is Caleb mad? Never mind, I think he’s pissed at everyone tonight.”
“We’re deplorable people,” Cort mumbles, trying to hide his sniffling. He’s been crying for hours, guilt endlessly eating him alive, when he’s the least guilty of all of us beside Katya.
“Speak for yourself.” Faith all but snarls, so I take my massaging hand away as punishment. “Sorry, I’m being bitchy because the truth hurts.” She falls lax against the seatback. “Gunner told me that at thirty-two, I should have grown up by now. He said I’m the world’s biggest bitch, and I need to think with my head not my hormones.”
“Wow!” Cort whistles sharply. “Is Caleb still breathing?”
“Of course,” Faith twists the words with annoyance.
“Good, it will be the first time I shake the man’s hand and mean it. Caleb deserve a medal for telling you the truth.” Cort must have a death wish.
“Don’t fight,” is a warning issued, sensing Faith is contemplating launching over me to take my man out. We’re all on edge, after everything that happened, just looking for a convenient target and an excuse to let the pressure out.
“I believe Katya and Regina are the perfect example of why we should act our age, don’t you?” Turning to Faith, I try to get a read on her. I know she’s been trying with Katya for a few days, turning over a new leaf, so to speak. I sense a change in her.
“I know Regina cared for Kat in the beginning, always championing for her.” Mind scrolling back to a time before Katya knew Dominion existed, when Regina played Kimber to my Dr. Jeannine. “Somewhere along the line, Regina let her anger, fear, and emotions rule her, and Katya almost paid the ultimate price.”
“Regina has been off for months– I think that bullshit with Whitt really got to her. Marrying Grant’s son, then divorcing him. She’s ashamed of herself.” Faith shows a surprising amount of insight. “I think she’s torn between loving Grant and her self-respect. Kat had Regina questioning her choices for some reason.”
“Well, the only ones who know what was said are Regina and Kitten.” Cort has been the mediator for days on end, and it’s taking a toll on him as well.
“Kat wouldn’t say.” Faith’s admission surprises us. “I tried to force her to talk, but she broke in the process.” Shamefaced, Faith’s palms raise to scrub at her eyes.
“You did what?!” Cort nearly bellows in outrage. “You’re the reason she freaked the fuck out in the powder room?”
“Stop that– we can’t be fighting each other right now. You two love each other.” Patting Faith’s thigh with the palm of my hand, I do the same with Cortez’s leg with my cast-clad arm.
“Nah-uh,” Cort grumbles while Faith whispers, “Fuck too.”
“Bullshit, my childish friends. Faith, apologize to Cortez. I heard him apologize to you at the last meeting at Meyers Manor, and he meant every word. We have more important things to worry about other than your wounded pride– learn to recognize when you’re wrong and accept it. We need to grow up and take care of our children, because we’re not teenagers anymore. Got it?”
Ignoring me, Faith mutters, “Katya should be fine,” still sounding ashamed of herself.
“Tell me the truth. What would have happened if Caleb hadn’t figured it out?” I demand, refusing to drop the subject. Grabbing Faith’s hand, I squeeze, silently begging her not to be evasive.
“Neither of you should hear that.” Faith whispers, refusing to meet my eyes. If I thought she looked ashamed before, I was wrong. She’s drowning in guilt, unable to resurface. The type of woman Faith is, she can’t handle making mistakes or being wrong.
“Kat would’ve been dead by morning.” Cort chokes on the words, the truth gutting us both. “Why do you think I’ve been going fucking nuts as we sat here? If we hadn’t separated, Kat would have come to our bed, and she couldn’t have hidden it. I blame myself more than anything.”
“If only Eve hadn’t bit into the apple. If only Max and Clara hadn’t fled Dominion. If only Raymond hadn’t targeted Katya. If only I hadn’t lured Kat back to Dominion. If only our marriage didn’t fail. If only our children hadn’t been extorted by our evildoer. If only Regina hadn’t gone into a blind rage.” All is muttered sarcastically, trying to prove to Cort how it is not his fault at all. “We’re dealing with Katya right now, which means the only guilty party is Regina, whom we will handle later.”
“Your goddamn chain of events bullshit,” Cort volleys back, not understanding how blaming himself doesn’t change a damn thing. “I want to be pissed at Regina, but I can’t. It wasn’t Kitten’s fault, but she paid the price. Whatever was driving Regina wasn’t her fault either. I’m torn, so I’ll just blame myself instead.”
“ If-onlys are worth jackshit,” is snarled from between clenched teeth, my patience running thin. “Stewing in self-created guilt does nothing for Katya right now. It won’t help us deal with Regina– make no mistake, she needs our help. As Kat would say, let’s put out one fire before we start another. We can’t change the past, we’re dealing in the present, but we sure as fuck have to make sure it never happens again in the future.”
“That’s why I’ve been trying to draw MdJ into a new era, where we help each other, protect each other, and heal each other.” Faith is nearly despondent, because Regina’s actions put all the progress we’ve made at risk.
“Faith, I want details. Now.” I make demands, because I can’t feed into Cortez’s sniveling– if I do, he’ll fall apart. Sometimes we need someone to be strong to hold us up.
“Kat would’ve gone to sleep tonight, then never woke again.” Faith speaks so quietly, I barely hear her. “I don’t think she knew it was serious. She was in a tremendous amount of pain, but she was attributing it to the beating. She was humiliated and scared, and that’s why Gunner wants to kill Regina and me. He said that as women, we should have protected Kat from all of this, not bullied her and beat her down…” Stuttering, Faith is not acting as her usual confident self. “…and… and… I think he’s right.”
“You mean to tell me that since I wasn’t allowed to nocturnally stalk Katya, she would have died on us?” I numbly utter in disbelief. “Are you sure?”
“Positive.” Faith answers without hesitation. “I’ve been sitting here for hours with Gunner’s words rattling around in my head. “What did Kat actually do to you, Syn?” So I’m sitting here listing all this shit off in my head, but I hear Gunner replying to each one. “Not Kat– Ezra. Not Kat– Ezra. Kat’s personality flaws are none of your business. That’s on you, Syn.” Then I think of all the things Regina is mad about, and it’s the same answers.”
“What answer?” Cort prompts.
“Our choices. Our decisions. Our faults. It was easier to blame Katya than deal with reality. Logically we couldn’t blame you, Ez. We understood your madness, but as human beings we had to blame events on someone, unable to wrap our heads around the phrase shit happens for no good reason . I was even blaming Kat for when I was forced to get pregnant with Zane, and neither of us knew the other existed at the time. How unfair was that?”
“It’s true,” I offer as comfort. As enlightened as we think ourselves to be, our personal narrative is a false one, as it is not how others see us. Reality is perception, and everyone lies to themselves. “Human nature. We must blame someone, because our mind can’t reason it out otherwise. As long as it makes sense to us, we’re comforted, even if it is irrational and fear-based.”
“I don’t want Katya to die. But illogically, I still despise her. I don’t know Katya, not really, and she doesn’t know me. All I see is Momma, and all those emotions I felt growing up inundate me when I look at her. I’m trying, but it’s a struggle. Katya doesn’t even hate me– she’s petrified of me. And that makes me feel excited and happy,” Faith reluctantly admits. “And then I feel disgusted with myself. Gunner hates me now– never thought that would happen.”
“You hate Kat, because even though you don’t want Ez, you don’t want anyone else to have him– it’s why you hate my fucking guts too.” Cort spits out, pulling absolutely no punches. “You want to monopolize Ezra while you have your own life, husband, family, home, profession, and children. You get off on playing the victim in the scenario, when you’re the villain. You’re just jealous, but you won’t admit it.”
“I’m not jealous!” Faith protests, but her tone belies the words.
I don’t have the energy to lie– I was always flattered how everyone around me defended my actions and fought for my attention, because it made me feel worthy and important. But seeing my hysterical wife, who was on the verge of death, carted off in an ambulance, a switch flipped inside my psyche, allowing me to see how toxic we truly are.
Dominion’s founders are good people, who do the wrong things for the right reasons, and it’s finally catching up to us all at once, just as we attempt to turn over a new leaf.
Regina is a prime example of this phenomenon. She’s a good human being. I believe in her and I trust her, but she needs help dealing with the aftermath of all the crimes she’s committed at MdJ’s request, along with whatever personal demons are riding her.
Cort is not going to let up, not with Katya lying in a hospital room across from us. “You complained Zane wasn’t claimed by Ezra, when you knew it was for your son’s own welfare. Victim. Victim. Victim, when you’re the villain.”
“Shut up!” Faith is seething, knuckles turning white as she fights the urge to murder Cort. “Is it International Beat Up Faith Day?”
“How can you say that when the mother of my children nearly died from a beating?” Cort slams the shame down Faith’s gullet. “You blame Kat for Ezra claiming Ava and the twins, when Zane has had a father every single day of his life– two of them, and you could have added me as a father figure too, but you guys froze my ass out. Let’s face it, that was because you’re jealous of me and Ez, at the expense of your son having me in his life. Ava didn’t have a father until she was almost twelve years old and look at how she is now.”
“That is not my fault.” Faith clenches her fingertips into her thighs, stopping herself from throttling Cortez. Progress. At least she doesn’t punch him. “Regina and Ezra going viral is proof Ava is her father’s daughter.”
“Shut up– there wasn’t a single lie in that article, so don’t give me that self-righteous indignation routine you’re famous for.” Cort leans forward to glare at Faith, just begging to be physically attacked.
“Your life isn’t Katya’s fault– it’s your own. Your informed choices. Your consequences. Your tunnel-vision and blindness to your own faults. You allowed your own hands to be tied. For women as strong as you and Regina are, you so easily caved to MdJ’s demands, almost as if you welcomed the excuse to do bad things, then rationalized it because you were forced . Yet call me weak every chance you get, and not once have I ever done as I was told. Yet I still breathe, and that isn’t because I’m so special.”
Jesus Christ, Cortez has a point.
Katya, and especially Ava, they would have never done anything MdJ required of them. They wouldn’t have taken the punishments either. They would have publicly shamed the founders, leaked our secrets, and then made it impossible to execute them without dragging us all down. I could never imagine Katya surrounding herself with rapists, pedophiles, and murderers.
Instead of taking my daughter’s magic wand away, maybe I ought to give it back, offer an apology, and tell her I’m proud that she put the video in Niel and Whitney’s hands, walking away instead of joining in the extortion.
For all Regina and Faith love to say how dominant, logical, ethical, and morally superior they are, they go with the flow and accept an altered reality as gospel. Hell, instead of fighting it like Cort always has, Faith decided to be our leader.
Ma?tre du Jeu would have never existed if we all didn’t agree to participate. One person standing up would have meant others joining, and we would have found today’s peace much sooner, with fewer broken souls haunting Dominion.
“You reveled in the wrongness of MdJ, Faith– admit it. You got off on playing games with people’s lives, using the rules as an excuse, when you were supposed to break and remake the rules. Grow up!” Cort whisper-shouts. “And I don’t care if you ever apologize to me, Faith. I love you, but I’m starting to wonder why, since you offer nothing to a friendship. Your personality is caustic at best– we share nothing in common but a few months of messing around and your refusal to allow Zane into my life. I’m starting to wonder why anyone would want any of us, because we are despicable people.”
“Shh… calm down.” I whisper to Cort, trying to calm him down before a flood of nurses descends to escort us from the premises. My attempt to comfort him is a joke, because a cast rubbing his back isn’t very tender.
“I understand why you’re so upset. Katya being hurt makes you face your own mortality, while Regina’s heinous actions made you see your own flawed morality.”
“Don’t be a patronizing asshole, Ez.” Cort lashes out at me, pulling away until my cast bounces off the back of his seat, causing a painful jarring sensation to radiate down my arm. “I don’t need your therapy bullshit.”
“I meant what I said, Cort.” Cradling my arm to my chest, I try to keep the hurt out of my voice. “That was me empathizing, because that’s how I feel right now too.”
“Why didn’t you ever tell Ez you hated his behavior?” Faith fires back, ignoring my outburst.
“I did!” Cort snarls in Faith’s direction, acting as if I’m not seated between the dueling parties. “I’m the only person who truly ever has, which is why Ezra and I are going to get through this shit. Ezra isn’t made of spun glass–”
“I’m stopping this now.” Forearms landing on chests, I push them both back into their seats, ignoring the licks of fiery pain reverberating down my arm. “There is no right or wrong side in life– perception is reality, which means we’re all right from our position and need to admit when we’re wrong.”
“Bullshit,” spews from disgruntled lips.
“Truth.” Cortez always sides with me, especially when that means being against Faith, which is what I’m trying to resolve.
“Faith, you have your own life, and I will respect you by staying out of it. But I’m Zane’s father, and we will be co-parenting together. I love you, but you have no right to dictate my life. If Wil likes being led around by his dick, good for him. But I’m not your bitch.”
Faith’s head whips back as if I physically slapped her. If it weren’t so disturbing, I may have laughed. As it is, Cort isn’t the most diplomatic person on the planet– his mocking cackle echoes down the hallway to light at the nurses’ station.
“Cort, stop egging Faith on. Since you’re confident you and I are in it forever, that should stop you from fighting over me with everyone else. The next time you guys act like two-year-olds around me, I’m walking away. I mean it– I’m sick of this bullshit.”
“I’m here for Katya,” Cort mutters, pissed at all of us but mostly himself. “The mother of our children almost died tonight. I could give a shit less about you fucktards. It’s no wonder Katya is divorcing us, you see that, right?”
“Do you honestly think I don’t get the gravity of the situation?” I whisper the words underneath my breath, allowing them to resonate within me. I can’t fix what has happened, but I can make sure it never happens again.
Pissed off and lashing out so he doesn’t have to feel the guilt suffocating him, Cortez continues to bait Faith. “And one last thing, Faith. Do you have any female friends that aren’t related to you? Keep in mind, I remember when you hated your oldest sister’s guts, murdered your momma, loathed your sister-in-law, and wanted your birth mother’s head on a platter. You surround yourself with men, push women out of those same men’s lives, and only interact with female relatives you’ve bullied into compliance or are lesbians. You preach empowerment and feminism, yet you seem to hate women. While you think of Caleb’s words, think of mine too.”
Cortez gets up from his seat, then stalks down the hallway, his impressive string of obscenities flowing to our ears.
We all need a wakeup call to better ourselves and seek self-reflection. Reality check, whatever you want to call it. But mostly, we need to grow up and stop acting so selfish.
“Cort’s right,” Caleb whispers across the hallway from Katya’s cracked hospital room door, causing Faith and me to jump in surprise. “You both need to think about this shit. By the way, Katya is awake and heard everything you said. I’ll let you know when she passes out, because if you try to breach this threshold while she’s still awake, I’ll call the police for her.” And with that final warning, Caleb closes the door.
“I love a good bitch-slap at four in the morning.” Faith whispers out the side of her mouth toward me, then gives an uncomfortable, little giggle. “I only allow a few people to talk to me that way.”
“Surprisingly, Cortez is one of them,” I mutter in astonishment. “Your husband, but you fight him back. The Green brothers, which you don’t fight back.”
“Everyone needs a mirror,” Faith readily replies.
“Where’s Wil?”
“With Cort, I suspect.”
“What?” My eyes flick around wildly to spy Wil haunting the shadows, only he’s nowhere to be found. “Cort just left thirty seconds ago.”
“And Wil has Cort radar. If Cort’s in the vicinity, Wil immediately finds the man like a heat-seeking missile.”
“I hate that so fucking much.”
“I’m willing to bet the baby in my tummy that my husband is comforting yours. It’s not sexual, so don’t get your boxers in a twist. Wil couldn’t brother Dalton when they were growing up, so he takes being a mentor very seriously. Cort was always Wil’s pet project.”
“I actually asked Grant about Wil’s sexual orientation, because I feared he’d go after Cortez,” I reluctantly admit. “But I was assured that wasn’t the case.”
“Wil has no orientation– he craves anal and is terrified of penetrating others.” Faith’s admission is laced with a lifetime of agony. “Wil is sexually stunted– wounded might be a better word for it. I’m not sure he experiences true sexual desire. It’s more like he’s drawn to people he trusts.”
“Wil trusts Cort,” is said in a panic, face draining of blood as the implications hit me. I just assumed Cortez would always be there for me, never thinking he would stray. Katya has taught me many lessons, but most importantly, cherish what you love and never take it for granted… and I’ve always taken Cort’s love for granted, thinking it unconditional, and I’ve never truly cherished another living soul.
It’s time I change in so many ways.
“It’s not like that for Wil. The man has no sexual compass at all. Loving blowjobs doesn’t make you a specific orientation, just as needing anal doesn’t make you gay. I have no idea how Wil determines sexual attraction, or if it’s something that grows over time. But I do know if someone is placed in the family box, Wil will never touch them inappropriately. In Wil’s eyes, Cort is his brother– someone to protect and teach, never fuck.”
“Hmm…” I’ll be mulling this new bit of information over for the next few years, when there aren’t more important things to discover.
“It’s a manly man thing. You should see Boyd, Gunner, Julio, and Wil training Dalton, Zane and Torian. If Stanton walks into the training room, I have to leave, or else I’ll suffocate on the testosterone filling the air. It’s like a brother bond from hell, and they’d probably accept Cortez’s membership.”
“My invite got lost in the mail, I suppose,” I murmur knowingly. “It’s the bro phenomenon Caleb brought to Dominion when he came back home.”
“If you’re ever invited to join, I wouldn’t enter that training room if I were you.” Faith’s smile promises an epic ass-kicking. “It wouldn’t be the type of beat-down you’ve been fantasizing over.”
“Duly noted,” I murmur, smiling back.
“Ez, Cort has it wrong– I’m not jealous over your relationship with him. Anyone with eyes in their head can see your bond. I’m jealous because of Wil. The first thing Wil wanted from me was information on Cortez. I fell in love with Wil the second I laid eyes on him.”
Regina losing her shit, Katya almost dying, and everyone taking her measure, it all has taken a heavy toll on Faith. So unlike her, she’s opening up about things I doubt she’s ever voiced. At least she’s coming to the right person, because Dr. Zeitler is dying to help someone, since I’m incapable of helping the one person I long to comfort.
Katya.
“It was kismet between us, transcending sexual or romantic bullshit. I just wanted Wil for myself, but there’s always this barrier up between us. My husband keeps himself emotionally distanced from me, closing me out, and I instinctively sense it has nothing to do with me at all. But no matter what, Wil always makes sure Cort is happy and healthy, which makes me love him all the more. Ten bucks says my serial killer husband is coddling Cort right now, holding him and reassuring him like a big brother would.”
“That’s not a bad thing.” Suddenly, I respect Wil all the more, but I also understand how Faith feels. Cortez has forever let me into his heart, so when Katya never let me in, I knew the difference. It debilitates a relationship. Not that I blame Katya, because she couldn’t trust me when I wasn’t a whole person.
“Yeah, well, it sucks when I want to be pissed at someone. Illogically, irrationally, or justifiably.” Faith smirks at how ridiculous her behavior has been lately. “Wil will give me a passive-aggressive smile, then respect my frenemies anyway. Grant, Cort, and Katya, Wil always defends them when I throw hissy fits.”
“I heard you really like Grant now,” is followed by a teasing chuckle underneath my breath.
Blushing a pretty shade of pink, Faith hides her face behind upraised palms. “Grant is very persuasive, as is Wil. But persuasion means doing something you may have not wanted to do in the first place. It leads to feeling used. Grant and I are currently not on speaking terms.”
“What?” As soon as the word flees my lips, I remember the note Grant wrote me, and how he said the same thing about Faith.
Peeking at me from between her splayed fingertips, Faith changes the topic of conversation before I can tell her how adorable she looks. “Sometimes I like disliking people. I’m not Miss Mary Sunshine. But fuck if Wil doesn’t make me see his point, make me feel wrong, then make me feel like shit for being unjustifiably mean to someone.”
“We all have to have a hobby– yours is just being spiteful and malicious.” I tease her again, loving how I’m the only person on the planet she won’t verbally or physically attack. “Wil is perfect for you, ya know? He challenges you to see the world though a different filter.”
“Just as Cort does for you.” Faith has never once faltered in her faith in me and Cortez being soul mates, for which I am thankful. “Where are the kids?”
“Kayla is in my bed with the twins curled in her arms. They needed a mommy figure, and Kayla is as sweet as they come. Ava is being held captive by a very pissed off Aaron.”
“Aaron is a teddy bear.” Faith snorts.
“I said Aaron was pissed . You know how Aaron gets when someone disrespects me.” Faith nods her head in agreement. “Aaron’s sitting at the foot of Ava’s bed like a watchdog. Earlier, he made Ava remove every electronic device from the house. Aaron then made Ava watch him install a keypad on the library door where all the goodies are stashed.”
“Oooo… that was cruel!” Faith sings in appreciation.
“Aaron is surprisingly crafty when angry.” I smirk while chuckling underneath my breath “It’s not so much anger because I was disrespected by my own daughter, but you know he’s beyond close to Regina after all those years running Restraint together.”
“What are you going to do about Ava and the article?” Surprisingly, Faith doesn’t sound judgmental, only curiosity ringing in her voice.
“I dwell in a world filled with nothing but shades of gray.” Speaking down to where my hands rest in my lap, I try to put it into words. “As long as my patients realize their actions impacted others, I’m good with that. I’ll feel horrible if they suffer consequences. While I don’t think much of their victims, because they aren’t the ones on my sofa.”
Eyes flicking up, I catch the expression of shock written across Faith’s face. “Dominion is filled with people who hide in the shades of gray, where none of us think of our trail of victims, only seeing it from our perspective, where we’re sympathetic and empathetic to why we committed the act, while resenting those we harmed– as if they didn’t exist, MdJ would have never forced us to harm them. We need people like my daughter in our lives. Black and white.”
“Yeah, sure.” Faith shrugs it off, when I used to think she was a black and white personality. “The article was all truth, but it was taken out of context. Why you were with Regina mattered. Why Regina did what she did mattered.”
“But should it matter to Katya?” I gesture to the closed door across from us. “I was unfaithful to my wife. Regina was unfaithful to Marcus. Whitt was unfaithful to Dalton. All because Regina was selfish, Whitt felt guilted into it by her, and I was driven to help them both cope. Should it matter to Katya, as she lies in that room, suffering from an attempted murder? Let’s not split hairs– Regina committed attempted murder, and by all rights should spend the rest of her life in prison, and we should all join her. Instead of giving Katya justice, we’re all going to sweep it under the rug, because we love Regina, thinking if we prosecute her, we should have to pay for our own crimes. But if we loved Katya, we’d want her to have justice.”
“Shit!” Faith hisses, realizing how far she’s fallen from that justice is blind pedestal she placed herself on.
“After listening to my wife, then my daughter, sitting here for hours on end has had me viewing the world differently. Why does it matter why Regina did it, when Katya did absolutely nothing to Regina? If Regina had found my daughter instead of my wife, Ava would be lying in the morgue right now– we need to acknowledge that as fact. This is where I have a crisis of conscience, because I’m structured to view the subtle nuances of gray–”
“Where no one but the victims are held accountable.” Faith finally proves my earlier estimation, where she’s closer to Ava in personality than me.
“It should and it shouldn’t matter why we do the things we do, but what it does do is enable us to do far worse with every act. There’s a reason we feel grief, shame, guilt, disappointment, rage, and injustice, because we learn from it. We learn how not to treat people. Dominion’s founders are all emotionally stunted, with the ability to destroy lives. We need people like Ava to keep us honest, especially against lying to ourselves.”
“Power corrupts.” Faith directs the comment inward, numerous acts playing out in her mind, where she didn’t stand up to be the voice of the victims, finding it easier for everyone to play by the rules. “Even the most black and white spiral down into the gray.”
“With all of us moving forward to make MdJ a power to protect and foster Dominion, we need a voice of those who are gray, black and white, and those who are a mix of the two, to keep us honest and balanced.”
“I feel like you’re leading me somewhere I don’t want to go, Ezra.” Faith would be right.
“I completely, madly am in love with Katya.” The truth is freeing. I never declared how I felt for my wife to anyone, and I fear that’s why they targeted Kat, seeing her as a wedge keeping Cortez and me apart. “I love her more than I realized. Not just as a husband loves his wife, but on a deeper level. It’s damn close to how I feel for Cort. I think that’s why I confused it with being in love.”
“I’m sorry, Ez– about everything.” Faith whimpers, tears glistening in her eyes.
“I wish someone would have loved me enough to tell me no, to instill morality in me, to set boundaries, to teach me right from wrong. Someone to have loved me enough to show me a reality that differed from insanity. Someone who trusted me enough to suffer my own consequences. I might have been a different person today. A good person. A person who didn’t have a trail of victims. I might have been a different person at this stage of life instead of stunted and warped. But I think I was meant to live through all of this, so I could offer my children a brighter, happier, saner future. I am an example to all of Dominion’s children.”
We both sit in silence, neither knowing how to respond to my statement. I stare at the door to Katya’s room, willing Caleb to open it and say she’s asleep. I need to see Kat to know she’s going to survive. At the same time, I’m curious to know what Caleb’s doing in there. I’m not jealous– I’m confused as to why Katya trusts him out of all of us.
“I have a suggestion I need to make, one I know will piss you off.”
“Of course, you do,” is muttered dryly.
“It’s about Marcus.” I should tread lightly but I don’t, knowing Faith won’t kill me. She’s fantasized about it, but never followed through with it. “I want the position of Game Master changed. I think it could lead to an abuse of power.”
“Fuck you!” Faith snarls, smacking my cast with the side of her hand.
“Ugh!” Drawing in deep gasps of air, I attempt to breathe through the pain. “Bitch!”
“You deserved it!” Faith defends while windmilling her hands in front of me like a total girl, hitting me repeatedly.
“It’s not about you– stop it!” I bite out as I capture her wrists with my good hand. “What if you’re usurped from your position and the next fuck is a maniacal tyrant? We’ll be right back where we used to be. No matter what, there always needs to be someone in charge, and not a council of wounded souls.”
“I see your point. I’m listening.” Faith calms down, not that my hand seems to care about Faith’s emotional climate– it’s throbbing and shooting pain up into my arm.
“Right now, you hold three jobs: judge, jury, and executioner. We need three separate positions to ensure there is no abuse of power. I suggest Marcus as the judge, as it was his real life’s calling. The man is an ethical and legal genius who has lost his way because his profession was ripped from him due to MdJ. He’s yet another of our victims. Not only would it be a comfort to have a lawyer on our side, but he could give legal advice. The jury should be everyone who attended or was invited to the Christmas meeting. The executioner is obviously your job, since your favorite pastime is doling out punishments.”
“I don’t know,” Faith grumbles, hating to have the power taken from her. She’s never abused it, but it must have been tempting. There were many times she was far from impartial.
“Ava called me out on something called a dick vote , where we subconsciously give men more credence than women. Look what your mother did during the meeting, stripping the women of any power they held. Dominion’s people need to be able to voice their issues. We can pretend peace is possible, but the human condition will always reign supreme. We will squabble, fight, manipulate, and plot– it’s in our nature.”
“I’m no idiot, Ez–”
“We need an anonymous voice, especially for people like my sister. Spyder is a soft person, who is highly intelligent– her voice matters. But she is susceptible to being bullied to align with more dominant people. The children need a voice. The women need a voice. Those who serve us faithfully need the strongest voice. Those who used to be in charge should now be nothing more than equals.”
“Fine!” Faith concedes but has an attitude about it. She always hates to admit when she’s wrong and someone else might be right, which is why I made the suggestion in the first place.
Snorting at the ludicrousness of a woman like Faith thinking she should be the only one in control, but then stomps her feet down the hallway like a bratty child. If anything, she made my point for me.
“Ez, c’mon in,” flows from the open doorway across from me. Then Caleb’s face peeks out. “Kat’s asleep. I just sent Cort a text. He’ll be up here in two minutes.” Instinctively, I recognize Caleb is rewarding me for doing the right thing by stripping Faith of her control.