Page 44 of Integrated (Mistress & Master of Restraint #11)

Chapter Forty- One

“Will you walk with me?” Cortez holds his hand out for me to take, while gazing down at me with guileless eyes and a charming smile.

My eyes immediately flick to Katya. While we’ve officially been divorced for a nanosecond, I still feel guilty, as if I’m cheating on her. I wonder how long until this discombobulating sensation will fade.

“Go!” Kat releases a tiny giggle, while rolling her eyes at me, thinking me amusing yet insane. “It’s not like we’ve acted like a married couple in months. Hell, more like ever ,” she stresses without any accusation. “I’ll watch the kids.”

“I-I-I don’t know,” I indecisively mumble. “What if the puppies bite one of the kids? I don’t think Katya is ready to wrestle a vicious pet.”

“Ezra,” Cort drawls out, silently laughing at me. “We’ve had those puppies for nearly a week. They’ve been staying with the Jessups until Ava’s birthday, and we’ve been down at the groundskeeper’s house for hours a day, playing with them. The puppies will not ravage our children while we take a walk.”

“Zane and Ava are good with the puppies.” Feeling beyond suspicious, I realize I was the only twit who didn’t know we had a herd of dogs on the property.

“It’s a beautiful day… and it’s supposed to snow tomorrow.” Cortez gestures around the lawn. “Sun is shining overhead. It’s almost sixty degrees. The perfect time for a nice stroll in the woods. What are you frightened of?” Cort asks me, knowing exactly what is scaring me shitless.

This is final.

As soon as I hand these papers to Marcus to file, Katya and I will be legally divorced. Knowing this, Cortez wants to take the first hike into the woods since we moved back to Shadow Haven. It’s the first nice day we’ve had in months, and I have no idea why I’m suddenly so petrified.

“It’s just me.” Trying to reassure me yet convince me, Cort’s full lips curl up at the corners, finding my reluctance cute.

“Okay.”

It’s just Cort– what’s the big deal?

I go to stand, but Cortez beats me to it. Twisting his fingers into the front of my sweatshirt, he tugs me from my chair. The naughty glint in his eye says we aren’t just taking a walk.

Cortez craves tent time, and that’s what’s scaring me.

Twining my fingers with his, Cortez pulls me across the lawn. “Why are you trembling?” he whispers near my ear. “Are you upset? I understand how difficult this must be for you and Katya.”

“It’s all so final. Irrevocable.” I take a shuddery breath. Attempting to shrug off my disastrous thoughts, it’s not working. “I know there’s no going back, but I’m allowed to feel regret.”

“Ez.” Cort pulls me to a stop, then cups my cheek, all the while looking at me with endless patience. “Grieve,” he orders. “We’ve all been grieving for months, yet you’ve been so strong and together. I fear you’ll break if you don’t let it out. I’m here for you when you’re ready to let go.”

Knowing me better than anyone, Cort lets the conversation drop. We slowly walk toward the entrance to the woods. Lips curling, a feeling of renewed hope waves over me as I notice the budding trees.

Spring. The dawn of another year, giving hope of change and growth.

“What did the kids name their puppies?” I make polite conversation, because I cannot speak of the painful things, not yet anyway.

Heartily laughing from his chest, Cort gazes at me with nothing but love and happiness. “Empathy. Monster. Demon. Unicorn.” Cort lists off, using his fingers. “Obviously you know who named which pup.”

“What is up with MZ naming everything Unicorn?” I ask, sounding baffled.

“It’s not MZ who named his pup Unicorn. He named his boy puppy Demon after his sister, so Azrael named her girl puppy Unicorn.” Eyes tearing up from laughter, Cort struggles to keep speaking.

“Yeah, but why Unicorn?” Confused as all hell, every toy is either named Demon or Unicorn. Every. Single. Toy.

“It’s Az who loves the moniker. She wanted a real unicorn. When Ava explained that unicorns were imaginary, Azrael bawled, sobbed, and screamed for two hours straight. Her little heart was broken. So MZ held his sister’s hand and told her unicorns were like dinosaurs, but they evolved, and now they’re called horses.”

“NO!” I command, voice ringing out in the dreary woods, until all bird chirping ceases. “NO!”

“What?” Cort asks with faux innocence.

“No, tell me you didn’t!”

“I didn’t?” Cort’s words rise in pitch with an upwards inflection.

“Shit,” I breathe out. “You did.”

“We have a stable.” Cort innocently reminds me, as if I could forget what’s on my own goddamn ancestral property.

“Tell me you didn’t. Please.” I nearly drop to my knees to beg and plead that this isn’t happening. “If I walk to the sable, it better be empty.”

“It is,” Cortez happily offers, causing me to relax slightly. “I can most certainly promise that.”

“Oh, fuck.” I’m slow on the uptake today. “You did.”

“We have a stable.” Cortez repeats.

“They’ll fight over a horse,” I grumble in disgust.

“You’re right. We cannot have them fighting.” Cort sounds extremely serious as he nods his head in agreement.

“Christ!” is hissed out from between clenched teeth. “If I find four horses on this property, I’m throwing an epic shit-fit.”

“It’s my property too, lest you forget. My stables . I bought my babies a unicorn,” Cort murmurs dreamily, all proud of himself.

“Fuck! You didn’t,” is muttered in absolute denial.

“Perhaps I did. For arguments sake, say I did. Say I researched for months and commissioned two foals from a reputable breeder in Argentina. Say they will be ready for our enjoyment, entertainment, and education by early September. No fighting since the girls will own one and the boys will own the other. It will be their sole responsibility to take care of the animal while teaching their younger counterpart about hard work and dedication.”

“And they call me insane… you’re seriously delusional! Horses live as long as people do, you twit!”

“Good.” Cort huffs out. “Our twins won’t turn out like Ava. They’ll be well-rounded. Ava’s slowly changing back into who she should’ve always been, but the past four years have twisted her world view.”

“I could wrack my brain for the rest of eternity, and I’ll never see the correlation between Ava writing an exposé on Regina and me in defense of her mother and our twins getting a horse.”

“Humans need a passion to thrive, to help keep us from going off the rails. Az and MZ are obsessed with animals– who knows, maybe they will become veterinarians or run an animal shelter. I’m giving our children a passion to cling to when they could fall off course. I have my writing and you have your counseling. Give the kids something that anchors them, Ezra.”

“Okay,” I easily mutter in defeat. “But I’m not paying for someone to take care of their horses. They either do the upkeep themselves or the horses find a new home.”

“I completely agree, Ezra. You know me better than that. Yes, I was a spoiled shit, but I see how that fucked me up. I will not do that to our children. But they will need someone to teach and help them until they’re educated enough to do it themselves. Lucian is equally excited.”

Great. Something tells me the horses are Lucian’s passion, not the twins. The boy will never leave Shadow Haven, not that that’s a bad thing. But I’ll have to start paying the teenager a hefty salary. Not to mention procuring a competent horse trainer, because not a single one of us knows anything about horses.

“I bet those horses cost more than a house in The Gates.” Beneath my breath, I whisper, “Indulged, spoiled brats.”

“Pretend you have no idea how much a thoroughbred costs. After all, you love playing pretend.” Cortez relentlessly teases me, when it was my New Year’s resolution to do that to him.

We come to a standstill outside of our tent– it’s actually the fifth tent to stand on this small clearing of land. Almost in the center of Shadow Haven’s seven-hundred-acre estate sits a tent that memorializes our union. It’s a thirty-minute walk or a ten-minute jog, and it symbolizes home more so than Shadow Haven’s mansion does for me.

“I’m not going to molest you.” Cort purrs into my ear while standing next to me. “We don’t even have to have sex or anything. I just wanted to spend some alone time together. It’s been a long while with all the stuff going on in our lives. Ava’s imprisonment, the divorce, everyone in MdJ focusing on helping Marcus get back in the running for judge, and the wedding planning. I thought we could come here and forget about everything but each other for half an hour.”

“I don’t want to talk about any of that.” Reaching forward, I finger the zipper to the tent. “Life has been nothing but brutal lately.”

“That’s my point. No talk of divorce, no wedding planning–”

“No Katya, no kids, no endless stream of hungry animals,” I grumble as I crawl into the tent. “Huh?” Floored, I take in the clean, stocked, and well-loved tent.

“Aubrianna and Lucian have been taking care of the place for us. It got a bit boring around here without us to take care of. It’s not like they had any landscaping or housekeeping to do all winter. So the kids came out here to get away from their grandparents and mom. Nice, huh?”

“A double cot?” Ideas form in my mind. “Nice.”

“Let’s try it out.” Cort turns his back on me then zips us in. “Have a seat– I’ll give you some stress relief.”

“My little rhymer.” Chuckling, I drop my ass onto the cot. It’s slightly cold in here, but the homey atmosphere warms me up.

From the outside looking in, many would find it odd how Cort and I feel most at home in a claustrophobic tent, when we have a sprawling estate. Privacy and seclusion create intimacy that is lost in a cold maze of rooms.

“Aahh… thank you.” I release a heady groan as Cortez’s fingertips bite into the taut muscles of my shoulders. “I’ve been carrying so much stress back there.”

As I sit on the cot, Cort stands behind me to give an expert massage. It feels so pleasurable and relaxing, my scalp tightens and tingles with every squeeze of his fingertips on my flesh.

“Let’s remove this so I can get at you better,” Cort murmurs as he tugs at my sweatshirt in example. “Unless you’ll get too cold.”

“I’m never cold around you.” The tone and the words are filled with a flirty air as I yank off my sweatshirt, with my t-shirt quickly following in its wake.

Offering Cortez my naked back, I crave the affection and intimacy that has been absent lately. Not that we haven’t wanted it, life just has a way of getting in the way. If it’s between feeding your children breakfast and taking a shower together, you get to cooking.

“It’s good to know that I keep you heated.” Amusement is thick in Cort’s voice.

“The honeymoon–”

“Ez.” Cort cautions me, fingertips digging in sharply until I wince, punishing me for breaking the rules.

“Sorry,” blurts out before I can stop it. Cort’s touch lightens, always upset when I drop apologies nonstop. “I just don’t want you to be angry with me.”

“You paid the price for your wishes, and in the world of BDSM, that makes it a clean slate. No more talking about anything that isn’t pleasure or comfort. Okay?”

“Okay.” Allowing Cortez to take the lead, I lean forward to rest my chest on my thighs, making sure he has access to my entire back. He crawls up on the cot to kneel behind me, using it as leverage as he aggressively kneads my muscles. “Ugh.” Each press causes me to grunt. “Harder.”

Chuckling, Cort doesn’t say anything, but he does squeeze me harder. When he makes his way to my lower back, almost touching the top of my ass, a very persistent body part of mine demands attention. I have to lean back to allow it to arouse or cut the circulation off to my dick.

A deep sigh fills the tent as I rest the back of my head on Cort’s torso, his warmth permeating my skin. “I love you,” is a raspy whisper.

“I know.” Cort purposefully mimics what I always say when he tells me he loves me.

Suddenly impatient, I reach behind me to pull Cortez down to my mouth. Tenderly kissing him, I murmur against his lips. “You’re just buttering me up because you want to violently suck me off, don’t you? Hmm? That honeymoon punishment fed your addiction and now you can’t get enough.”

“Maybe,” Cort grumbles. He blushes so fiercely I can feel the heat of it against my cheek.

“One condition.” I begin our negotiations. “It’s mutual.”

“Why? Don’t you like it?” Crestfallen expression, Cort’s voice is filled with hurt and rejection. The tone speeds my pulse as it breaks my heart.

“Why? Don’t you like my mouth on you?” I play Cort’s game of hurt and rejected, even though I don’t feel that way. “I just want it to be mutual.”

I can’t confess the truth, how I fear I will injure Cortez one of these times. I’m not as controlled as Marcus. I haven’t had as much practice, nor does it turn me on as it does Marcus. In that regard, Marcus and Cortez are completely compatible, while it just freaks my ass out.

“Okay, but not on our sides. I want you to be on top, so it feels like you’re in control.” Cort has mastered the art of negotiation these past few months. Without waiting for my reply, he slides from the cot to begin removing his clothing.

No need for verbal agreement, I stand and unbuckle my belt and unzip my jeans. My cock isn’t as hard as it was, but with a half-naked and painfully aroused Cortez before me, it’s impossible to go completely soft.

I take a few moments to enjoy the sight of Cortez laid out before me on the cot. I love how he isn’t bone thin. Cortez has major insecurities about being fat because he doesn’t have my six-pack abs. If I wanted to screw myself, I’d go whack off. I love having a layer of flesh to bite and nibble. I love having something to grip while I’m fucking him into submission. Gorgeous tanned skin from the tips of his toes to his hairline feeds my hungry gaze.

“I love you so fucking much,” I announce as I climb over top of Cortez. “And I’m going to show you just how much. But if I hurt you and you don’t tap out, I’m never doing this again,” is a promise I intend to keep.

“That’s fair.” Cortez looks curiously bashful, skin blazing crimson from a combination of arousal and embarrassment. He loves this but feels shame over it too.

Never wanting Cortez to feel badly about his needs, while always wanting to be the one to feed his every need, I get into position.

Some may call us gross for loving the same sex, and some may call us sick for loving our own blood, but in this instance, it comes in extremely handy– everything perfectly aligns since our frames are built the same.

Settling over Cortez, I feed him my cock, laughing at how hungry the man appears– eyes wide with delight, lips parted on a labored pant, cock jerking on his belly.

“If you don’t choke on it, I guess I’m doing it wrong,” is a warning issued a split-second before I slam my hips down, my dick forcefully entering his tight throat. Cortez releases garbled grunts around my cock, then hums his fierce approval as communication.

Cort doesn’t want to suck me off, and he doesn’t want to bob on my dick. He literally wants to choke on it. He just wants my dick shoved down his throat, then left there without moving, until I orgasm from just the protesting grip of his gag-reflex.

The mutual suckage is for Cort’s benefit. He usually gets off on being suffocated by a dick, but it makes me feel guilty for not reciprocating. Perhaps the mutual suckage is actually for me.

Taking Cort’s pulsing cock between my lips, I repeat to him what he’s doing to me. It takes a lot of effort on my part not to freak the fuck out as that exquisite dick penetrates my throat.

I hate this– thoroughly hate it , but I do it for Cort.

Cortez is sensual or romantic in all things except this violent act.

Not my kink– I’m more vanilla than most realize. I don’t like to be choked, and I sure as fuck don’t enjoy being choked on. The experience always brings up a ton of guilt and baggage, but I won’t take it away from Cortez, because he needs it.

I don’t necessarily stay hard every time we do this either, which defeats the purpose. Which is another reason why Cortez gets grumpy when I suggest we do mutual suckage. I make it mutual because I know how long I can go without breathing. When I begin to struggle to breathe around Cort’s cock, I yank him off mine. Suffocating Cortez is my greatest fear, so doing this to him as he does it to me is my only balance of measure and a worthy compromise.

Closing my eyes, I try to calm as my body fights. My hips beg to lift, pressing deeper into Cort’s throat, as badly as my mouth begs to lift away from Cort’s cock. Petrified, heart thudding out of my chest, my lungs start to burn from a lack of oxygen.

Cort’s reaction is the complete and total opposite of mine. His cock goes wild in my throat, twitching and flowing a steady stream of precum. It’s a combination of choking on my cock while loving the way my throat is milking at his.

Not able to go a second longer, when I hit the point of no return where it’s either suffocate or throw up, I yank my face from Cort’s body, his cock slapping to his belly with a splat. Quickly jerking my hips back, I ensure Cort cannot reach for me until I can breathe again. I use my body’s natural responses to evaluate his.

Cort is such a glutton, no way would he tell me if he was being harmed.

Dropping down to lie on Cortez, I snuggle my face against his thigh, giving us a much-needed timeout. Nearly hyperventilating, I gasp for breath as Cortez does as well. I can sense his disappointment wafting around the tent, since he was about two seconds away from coming.

As we calm down, I touch Cortez the way I enjoy. Just for a few minutes, I lick and caress his thighs, testicles, and cock with my tongue and lips, adding a bit of teeth for a sharp edge. The purpose is to draw him closer toward his climax, so the next time I choke him, it won’t take but ten seconds. I nuzzle Cort until he moans my name and opens his thighs.

Cort’s kink has nothing to do with receiving gratification– the man has the ability to ejaculate without touch, just from being gagged. I don’t operate that way, because I need the intimacy of the act to get off.

The struggle of two givers in a relationship, I think to myself as I huff out a laugh.

“What?” Cort groggily slurs as he sucks on my inner thigh, giving me a lasting hickey. I shake my head, then end up sighing in pleasure as he runs his fingertips over my ass and up my back, randomly tickling me.

Sucking Cort’s cock into my mouth, I give him an ordinary blowjob as he protests. He protests because I’m not letting him return the favor. But I need this bit of normalcy to get hard again. This isn’t my kink. It’s my fear, so I have a hard time staying up for the act.

“Fuck!” is a sharp hiss around Cort’s cock, as blunt teeth press into my taint– hard as a rock now, I jerk up to locate an open and willing mouth to plunge deeply into.

Patience lost, Cortez’s fingernails bite into my ass cheeks, painfully digging in, refusing to allow me to lift my hips until I come down his throat. It has nothing to do with the fact that I’m sucking him off, he just wants to choke on my cock.

Impatient as well, because I refuse to suffocate again, I flex my hips, brutally fucking Cort’s face. Strong, violent surges seem to egg him into bliss. The slapping, pounding, wet sound echoes around our tent, where I commit an act I don’t enjoy simply because Cortez needs it.

Blackness closes in around the edges of my vision, signaling I can’t go a second longer. I fight the urge to pull away, suffering through it. My cock is softening, making it more difficult to please Cortez. But this isn’t physical in nature– it’s purely psychological.

I bury my softening cock to the hilt down Cortez’s throat, at the same time I sink my teeth into his. The biting flips my kink switch, throwing every trigger we both share wide open, and my cock goes from waning to as hard and thick and long as it can possibly get. Within a heartbeat, Cortez is grunting as he fires down my throat. Satisfied that I’m getting him off, I quickly jerk my hips back, making sure he can breathe. Then I suckle at his cockhead, while gently massage his balls.

This act always starts out violently, but I refuse to end it in that manner. Both of us gasping for breath, I continue to lovingly lick and nibble at Cortez’s flesh, until he slides down from the high of feeding his needs and climaxing. When Cort’s sated, I roll to lie next to him.

Drowsy, my eyes slip shut as I snuggle down on the cot. “Hey,” Cortez whispers in my ear, waking me. “You didn’t come.” He doesn’t sound offended or rejected, just stating a fact.

However, it always makes me feel inadequate. I know someone who always gets off on this shit, but no matter how hard I try, I can never come while doing it. All I can think about is how I’m harming Cortez and my erection flags.

“Hmm?” I murmur as Cortez rolls over on top of me, cuddling and warming me. “That always exhausts me– the lack of oxygen. Lightheaded and foggy.”

“It just makes me feel high.” Cort slurs his speech, sounding husky. “I want to please you back, but I know you’ll kick my ass if I try to suck you off. I want to though- the normal way. I want you to be relaxed too.”

“If I get any more relaxed, I’ll be comatose.” Chuckling, nothing but amusement bleeds from my tone, as my arms listlessly lift to hold Cortez back. “I needed that,” I hesitantly admit. “I may not enjoy it, but I think I’ve come to need it as much as you do.”

Tenderly kissing me, Cortez thanks me for how much I love him. Kissing me, rocking his body against mine, it takes less than a second and I’m hard and moaning.

This is what I look forward to the most– the after-effects. The love-making.

Cortez rolls his hips against mine, in a flowing movement best described as frotting. Insatiable, already hard again, Cort rubs his cock along mine in a long, sweeping motion. Our naked bodies mingle, arms and legs twisting in pleasure, as our hips writhe against one another.

For him, I took over during our punishing sixty-nine. For me, Cortez takes over and tenderly makes love to me.

Breathlessly gasping and arching his neck, Cortez offers me his throat in a different way. I take it as an invitation to run the edge of my front teeth along his flesh, biting and nipping. Cocks jerking, releasing precum, I know we’re both seconds away from orgasm.

I sated Cortez, now it’s time for him to sate me. Sharply setting my teeth into his neck, breaking the skin beneath the force, I erupt all over our bodies. Proving no one can satisfy him as well as I can, Cort comes a second time within minutes.

Holding each other as we slowly return to earth after flying high, emotions break over me. Emotions I’ve avoided for months. A sob hitches in my throat… followed by another… and another… and another…

Until I’m bawling out my grief.

“Shh…” Cort murmurs as he rocks me back and forth in comfort. “Let it out, Ez. Just let it out.”

“I loved her,” is sobbed against Cort’s neck. Then I pull him as tightly to me as I possibly can, needing him to take this pain away.

The emotional agony is more suffocating than the sexually punishing act we preformed moments ago. Breath refusing to pass my lips, my heart beating in overdrive, I gasp for dear life.

“I know you did.” Cortez whispers while rubbing soothing circles against my chest, attempting to coax me to breathe again.

“I still do,” I finally admit.

“I know you do– me too.” Cort admits his own painful truth. “And she still loves us. Always will.”

“I’m still in love with her.” I admit, even knowing the truth will hurt him. “No one ever believed I was back then or now.”

“Seeing all the pain you’ve experienced these past few months…” Cort trails off. I worried he’d be upset over the truth, but he sounds more upset for me . “I believe you.”

“But it wasn’t right.” Sounding nothing but lost and confused, I stare up at Cortez, trying to find my grounding force. My anchor. But it’s difficult when he’s as upset as I am. Both of us are crying, tears streaking down our faces in a torrent. My chest burns in need of air, as it aches from heartbreak.

“No. No, it wasn’t right.” Cortez emphatically agrees. “But it is now. It’s right between all of us now. Let it out, Ezra. Just let the grief out.” He commands, and the only thing I can do is submit.