Page 35 of Integrated (Mistress & Master of Restraint #11)

“Hey!” Katya chirps from her hospital bed, good health filling out her features. Her green eyes are lucid, skin no longer sallow and the shade of milk. “Are the kids okay?”

“Yeah.” I answer, trying not to smile. I can see Katya’s confusion as to why we’re visiting after she explicitly told us not to bother.

I’m not allowed to apologize or tell her about the amends I’m making, so I thought I’d show her instead.

No doubt Kat will hate the means of delivery of said amends though.

“You look so much better.” Cort gushes as he charges past me into the hospital room. “Thank God!” Cort breathes in relief as he envelops Katya in an embrace.

I battle the urge to get jealous over their mutual affection for one another and the way Katya looks so peaceful in Cort’s arms.

Feeling awkward, I lean against the wall and engage in a staring contest with the watchdog in the room. Sources say– Faith –that Caleb hasn’t left Katya alone for more than a few hours, and those hours were used to bitch Faith out for being a selfish cunt, then to move his belongings from his shared apartment in the Green Building into Katya’s house for good.

When Faith visited Shadow Haven today, Cort had had enough of all of us and actually left the house to get away from Faith and me. My source paced our living room, hissing like a pissed off bearcat for several hours this morning. Roarke got comfortable on the sofa, watching while eating popcorn like he was at the movies. I spent the entire time talking Faith down from maiming several people.

I believe Caleb and Faith aren’t on speaking terms at the moment. Something about miscommunications, misunderstandings, and people always assuming the worst of Faith– by people, she meant Caleb and Wil, who are tag-teaming her to be a better person, while simultaneously making her feel like a heinous person.

“What are you doing here?” Caleb demands, obviously exhausted and stressed out.

The man in question looks ten years older than when I cornered him outside of Misery Castle’s theater with my proposition to guard Katya. His shaggy brown hair is sticking up in all directions, as if he’s been running his fingers through it for the past few hours, blue eyes dull yet haunted.

The psychiatrist wonders if Katya’s present is bringing up Caleb’s past. Even though we were buddies in elementary school, I know the man doesn’t trust me enough to allow me to guide him through his troubles.

“We’re visiting my wife,” I stress. “The mother of our children. Did I tell you I integrated, and how Master Ez makes up the majority of my personality now? I’m quite possessive. If I had realized the depths of your obsession with my wife, I wouldn’t have asked you to watch over her.”

“So glad to see your newfound sanity isn’t affecting the level of insanity you possess.” Caleb volleys back, face stoic.

Beyond shocked, my eyes widen, leaving me speechless, because Caleb isn’t one to engage in verbal sparring.

“Asshole.” Caleb grunts, then chuckles underneath his breath, lips quirking up at the corners. “Why can’t I hate you?”

“Because I’m infectious.” I banter back, body warming because I managed to make Caleb chuckle. “A communicable disease.”

Taking one last opportunity to be a selfish, possessive, controlling bastard, I decide to touch Katya when she can’t get away from me. “Hi.” I whisper to her while shouldering my way past Cort, who flicks his eyes in my direction like I’ve lost my mind.

“Ez?” Katya’s eyebrows knit together out of confusion, taut lips clenching to stop what she truly wants to say. Probably a bunch of obscenities, listing all my qualities.

My hip nudges Cortez farther away, giving me space to bend down to my prone wife. Kat’s green eyes widen to huge proportions the closer I get. The heart monitor speeds up as my lips softly brush hers.

I ignore Cort struggling to block Caleb’s rescue attempts, knowing he would never harm Cort, fearing Wil retaliating.

“Katya,” I breathe into her ear. An unexpected warmth blossoms in my chest as she shivers from just the sound of my voice. “I was an idiot. I was upset, thinking you feared me physically harming you.” I press closer, making sure no one can hear what I whisper to her. “You fear how you feel about me– you’re still in love with me.”

“Arrogant ass,” spills from between clenched teeth. But to me, it sounds an awfully like you’re absolutely correct, Ezra .

“You must know I’ve always wanted you– there’s been this undeniable draw since the moment we met. I know you feel the connection too.” I pull back far enough for Kat to see the sincerity in my face. I don’t worry about upsetting Cortez with what I’m about to say, as he and I have shared our deepest secrets and desires.

“Ez?” Katya starts to panic, instinctively knowing what comes next. “No!” She pitifully denies, trying to push limp palms against my chest.

“I’m saying goodbye, Kit Kat.” Reality drips down my cheeks, knowing there is no going back and changing the past. “I promise. A goodbye to who we used to be together, and a hello to who we will someday become.”

Horrorstruck, Katya’s heartrate monitor is going crazy. “No–”

“At least let me do that, okay? You have the right to feel as you do.” Faith’s frustration over everyone assuming she feels a certain way was inspiration for what I say next. “Just let me tell you how I feel, so there won’t be any misunderstandings between us. Okay?”

Not touching her, just leaning into her personal space, I breathlessly wait for Katya’s answer. “Fine.” She sighs, falling lax into her pillow, as if exhausted by the two minutes I’ve dominated of her time.

“I’m gay and I belong to Cortez, everyone is in agreement with those two facts.” I say without a lick of remorse. “I know you left me because I was the world’s worst husband for you. We can all agree you deserve better. You feel as if I couldn’t want you or love you. I know you’re still in love with me. I know you left for Cort’s and my benefit, so we could find our happiness together. Well, I have one wish for you too, Kit Kat. I wish for you to be happy.”

“I can’t do this with you right now.” Katya whimpers, tears sliding down her cheeks. Unbidden, my thumb passes over the tear tracks, clearing away the evidence of her grief.

“I’ve. Always. Wanted. You,” I slowly and succinctly enunciate, as everyone seems to be doing to me for the past few days. Hopefully my message gets through Katya’s stubbornness, because it would hurt for her to experience a lifetime of insecurities I created.

“It wasn’t because my body recognized yours, or out of a sense of duty, or for procreation. I saw you as a gorgeous woman. Vivacious. You aroused me physically and mentally. If things were different… but alas they are not,” is sighed out in disappointment. “I just need you to understand that it’s utter bullshit for you feel as if no one wants you, is aroused by you, or lusts after you. Out of everything from your venting session, that comment struck me the hardest.”

“It’s true,” Kat breathes, and it tears my heart out. She looks lost and alone and hopeless.

“I understand that you feel as if it’s the truth, but it doesn’t make it so.” I try to be Dr. Zeitler mixed with her husband in the moment, to validate her emotions while setting her straight. “But my desire is not quantified by how you feel.”

“Good God, I’m such a headcase,” Katya rambles to herself. “I was about to argue with you, saying it’s how I feel that matters. But you’ve trapped me. Obviously, you’re the only one who knows how you feel. But that doesn’t change the fact that I know you don’t want me, because it makes no sense with you being gay.”

“My desire or lack thereof doesn’t predict whether or not anyone can want you, Katya. Saying I don’t want you, then not believing me when I disagree, that’s not the same as saying you’re undesirable to everyone, which is what you said to me.”

“Quit tripping shit in my head, Ez!” For a second, Kat almost gets me to back off, but after dealing with Cort’s lifelong insecurities, I will not allow Katya to use me as a crutch to close herself off from other people. That is a cross I refuse to bear, when I have so many others to drag along behind me.

Gesturing behind me, where Cort is barely keeping Caleb at bay, I make sure Katya catches the scene before her.

“If you don’t believe me, explain to me why Caleb is bleeding himself? He’s digging his fingernails into his forearms to stop himself from tearing me away from you. That ain’t just for your protection, Kit Kat– I can see it in your eyes that you know I speak the truth.”

“Gunner’s an anomaly,” Kat mutters, sounding more confused than ever. “I don’t know why he wants to know me. He definitely makes it known.”

Cort and I raise our eyebrows at Katya’s cryptic comment, and Caleb has the decency to blush and look away.

“I’m gay, but I’ve had sex with you for four years straight. I’m not that good at pretend– you were there, so you know how much I enjoyed myself. You can try and say it was because of Master Ez, but as I said to Caleb earlier, I’m mostly Master Ez now that I’ve integrated. I was always Master Ez and Ezra, because they were parts of me ,” I stress. “I still want you for myself, but I’ll leave you for you.”

“Please, no more.” Katya’s voice quivers in fear, and the only thing on earth I want to do is comfort her. “I don’t want to admit anything to you, and I shouldn’t have to. Don’t pressure me, Ez.”

“That’s enough!” Caleb barks. A second later, Cortez is wrapping his fingers around my wrist, trying to pull me away.

“Kitten just had an operation for Christ’s sake, Ez.” Cort pleads, attempting to tug me away from my wife. “Back off!”

Eyes slipping shut in desperation, I breathe through the need to attack both men, to get them away from my wife. Possessiveness is thick as it courses through my veins.

The closer Katya and I get to the end of our relationship, the stronger the pull feels.

Thoughts filter through my mind. Katya doesn’t belong to me anymore– she never did. Cortez has just as much right to touch Kat as I do, since she’s the mother of his children. As for Caleb. Well, I don’t want to think of my childhood friend coveting my wife, because the thought may lead to bloodshed.

“Just a kiss goodbye,” I breathe, barely projecting the words as my eyes slowly open to connect with Katya’s bewildered gaze. “This is the last time I will kiss my wife. Please back off and give us some space.”

Cortez and Caleb move less than six inches, like I’m some kind of monster.

But aren’t I?

No.

Not anymore.

“Katya,” is whispered as a benediction, as I descend on her mouth. “My Kitty Kat.” I breathe against her parted lips.

A shudder runs along my spine as our flesh connects, the pain so immense it’s suffocating, to know this may very well be the last time I touch my wife. My nonbroken palm cups her cheek, tenderly cradling her face, while I brush my lips against hers from side to side.

Tears spring to my eyes as Katya’s fragile hand wraps around the nape of my neck, holding me closer– proof my wife is still in love with me and I’ve ruined everything. But our lives together never stood a chance. Doomed from the start. It was always hopeless, and Katya was intelligent enough to understand this long before I could accept it as our reality.

Lips opening to me on a sigh, the flat of Katya’s tongue meets mine. My knees go weak as her taste explodes in my mouth. Kat’s scent, her essence seeps into my system and takes up residence for life. I will have to cherish this kiss for lifetimes, since it’s the last one we will ever share.

Quivering in my embrace, Katya sobs as she kisses me back, using all of her limited strength to lift herself up off the hospital bed to get closer to me. With a mournful moan, I fuse our lips together, marrying us for one last time.

All too soon, the kiss ends. I barely breathe the words, “I know I didn’t show it, but I promise I loved you every single day since we met, and I promise I will continue to do so for as long as I live.”

“Are my services no longer necessary?” Marcus sounds bewildered from his position at the door. I’m sure our tableau looks strange to him. Katya and I are passionately kissing, all the while crying, with a distressed Cortez and Caleb looking on.

“Goodbye, Ezra.” Katya whispers to release me.

“Goodbye,” is whispered back, as I gaze down at my wife. Then I roll my eyes up until they connect with Caleb’s furious and ruined stare. “Do you still find me adorable?”

“No, I loathe you right now.” Caleb coldly utters, but underneath the frustrated rage is complete understanding. Understanding of who or what, I do not know.

“You don’t loathe me, but you wish you could.” I take a few steps away from Katya to greet Marcus, distracting myself with the details. “I know he’s on your shit list, but Marcus is here with the divorce papers and custody agreement.”

“That’s why you were acting so possessive?” Katya asks, voice thin and weak.

I answer, “Yes,” fearing it will insult her.

“Thank you, Ez.” Katya whispers in obvious relief. As usual, Katya understands me more than I understand myself. “Thank you for letting me go.”