Page 39 of Integrated (Mistress & Master of Restraint #11)

“Put yourself to rights and retake your seat, Ezra.” The order is tainted with sadness, tears glistening in his eyes. Marcus lifts his hips, pulls his pants back up, then tucks his erection behind several layers of fabric, as if needing a barrier from me. I quickly do the same, then sit back on the loveseat.

Muscles shaking uncontrollably, teeth chattering, breath wheezing from my lungs, it’s as if we’ve entered an alternate universe. We both sit as if nothing petrifying just happened. If it weren’t for the moisture clinging to my palm and the thick scent of Marcus wafting in my nostrils, I would believe I imagined the entire event.

Double checking that I’m not losing time or my mind, I quickly lick my palm, allowing the taste to burst on my tongue, a taste I know all too well from Cort’s mouth. Many a kiss was shared, my way of determining if Cort had sucked Marc’s dick that day, when neither realized I knew all along.

Suddenly sheepish, I gaze back at Marcus as if I’m a naughty, misbehaving boy as his resulting hiss of agonizing arousal hits my ears.

“Why? You asked. Ezra, I left because of that .” Marcus gestures to his bulging arousal, fingertips painfully squeezing until he grimaces. “I was almost twenty-one, the authority figure to two young men who were still minors. I had immense power over another human being. I knew given time, I’d only grow more powerful. More addicted. More brazen.”

“You wouldn’t have.” I’ll defend this man to the ends of the earth, even after that little display he just did.

“Yes, I would have. If I had you, I knew I’d easily get Cort too.” Smug confidence rolls off Marcus. “I was saving us all. From me . From things we didn’t or shouldn’t want. I’ve always wielded this power over you, and I’ve used it to my advantage over the years. I left to protect you from me ,” Marcus stresses again.

“As handsome, masculine, intelligent, and sexy as you are, I don’t truly want you in that capacity, Ezra. I’ve yet to come to terms with my sexuality, only accepting who I want, without labels. It was the power that drew me to you, not lust or sex– in all honesty, it’s the same with Cortez. The stronger our connection, the more potent our intimacy shared, the more hooked I became. The power is a high like no other. It’s stronger than any orgasm, and it transcends sexual orientation. Another hunger to be fed. What I just did to you was a demonstration. Understand?”

“No,” is mouthed from numb lips, too emotionally distraught to make an actual sound. Swallowing repeatedly, I rediscover my vocal cords. “I don’t understand.”

“I will clear up some misconceptions. First, you didn’t violate me, but I most certainly took advantage of you. Statutory rape, as you were only fifteen to my twenty. You hold no blame in that, Ezra, and it kills me that you’ve carried that shame around for a lifetime. You didn’t rape me– I took advantage of you .”

“It wasn’t like that–”

“Yes, it was. Second, what had me running to your mother’s room in a fury was because she put me into that position– one I was trying so desperately to avoid. If you would have asked, I would’ve said no. I never would have sought you out for sex. But there you were, a huge temptation I could no longer deny. We made love, and it was as incredible as it was quick. We kissed and touched and connected, and you even orgasmed twice. I wanted it to be pleasant for you, since I knew it would harm your psyche.”

“I shouldn’t have done it,” I hopelessly mutter.

“But you did, so I made the best of an unfortunate situation. I didn’t want to reject you, especially since I won’t lie and say I didn’t want it or enjoy it. I was trying so fucking hard not to be a predator. I wish I hadn’t freaked out, because no son should walk in and see their mother in that state.”

“It haunts me when I try to sleep.” I finally admit how deeply wounding that entire night was. Sometimes I look back and get so hot I can’t stop myself from masturbating. Other times, I end up getting physically sick.

“I know,” Marcus breathes, the sound so pain-filled tears sting my eyes. “I need you to understand that I didn’t rape your mother– it’s not how it appeared.”

Getting heated, there are few people I would defend when it came to this man, and my mother is one of them. Cort, Katya, and our children are the others. “Marcus, you’re delusional if you think I’m going to believe that shit!”

“I will admit the initial thrusts were accompanied by a very adamant no. But when Diane figured out why I was angry, she calmed and took it like a good wife. She said I was her punishment– na?ve idiot that I was, I was perfectly fine with that at the time. We both were suffering from what she put into motion by asking you to come to my bedroom– both of us surrendering. About a minute later, those screams weren’t from pain– Diane enjoyed me.”

“NO!” is a bark of pure, unadulterated rage. “You bastard! That is my mother you’re gloating about!” Fingernails curled into claws, ruthlessly digging into my thighs, I try to hold myself back from beating the shit out of my adoptive father.

“Yelling no doesn’t change the fact that Diane and I have had a seventeen-year sexual affair. Lesbian or not, Diane enjoyed my company. After I returned home from Vegas, if Diane came to my room, I obliged.” Marcus shrugs it off, as if his lie doesn’t kill a part of my soul– the part that trusts everything Marcus says and does.

Leaning forward, I get into Marc’s personal space. “I don’t believe you,” is a feral snarl.

“Since you obviously don’t believe me, just ask your mother. Diane and I were lovers until Adelaide came home from Wintercrest.” Nothing but a pair of honest amber eyes stare back at me. “Yes, Regina knows. We bonded over the truth, since Regina had her own spousal issues at the time. Why else would a man like me turn a blind-eye to Regina and Whitt’s indiscretions– their indiscretion with you ?”

“I don’t believe you,” comes out softer, filled with denial instead of being a denial.

“Son, you know more than anyone what you will do when you feel lonely and lost. It’s not about sexual orientation. It’s about trust and intimacy. Diane trusted me, and she and I care for one another. Mutual respect. Twenty years of sharing parallel lives. She shared that with Celeste– even though we married, she would not betray her partner. I didn’t realize that at the time, as I acted like a spoiled child, begging to consummate our marriage. Just before we signed our divorce papers, Diane confessed she thought I was gay like her, which is why she felt our marriage of convenience would work– you have to remember, same-sex marriage wasn’t legal back when you were a young teenager.”

“Don’t,” I beg, hating how I view the world around me is collapsing. Then I think of Katya at the Christmas meeting, and feel nothing but a wealth of agony for her predicament.

“After your aunt passed, your mother was under tremendous grief, behaving as if she were a widow. Thinking I was gay, she sent you to me, after intercepting all those looks I pretended I didn’t give, not realizing how harmful it would turn out to be. After I came back from Vegas, we were lovers until she fully committed to Adelaide. Quite frankly, Diane is a loyal, talented lover.”

“You make me sick, you lying sack of shit!” If I lean any closer, I’ll end up in that infuriating man’s lap. “Stop lying!”

“Ezra, you said you wanted the truth, so you’re going to shut the fuck up and listen. Your mother and I have been close confidants and lovers since I returned from Olivia’s tender loving care. What I experienced in Vegas was rape. I know RAPE !” Screaming, mouth open wide to produce deafening sound, Marcus stands from his chair to tower over me.

Breathlessly panting, Marcus pins me within an enraged glare, in juxtaposition, his voice is smoothly flowing calmness. “I was violated every day, in every way, for nearly a year, by some of the most deviant, sadistic sociopaths to ever grace this earth.”

“I’m sorry,” is muttered in a rush, adding two and two to make Pierre and Jon. Swallowing back bile, I blink continuously to remove the imagery of those terrifying assholes touching a ringlet on Marc’s perfect head. “If I didn’t fear how you’d react, I’d slit my wrists and bleed out before you to prove how self-loathing I feel over forcing you to flee Dominion–”

“Shut the fuck up!” Marcus bellows directly into my apologetic face, then he slumps back to his chair cushion. He waits a few moments, making sure my mouth stays firmly shut.

“You’re finally ready for the truth. After your illustrious blowjob that left me with more than a case of blue balls, I had a very serious problem– the problem I demonstrated a few minutes ago when you were going to freely allow me to fuck you on this chair.”

Simultaneously paling yet flushing, my body is conflicted on what emotions it wants to experience, so all of them overpower me at once.

“I had two boys I could command to do my bidding, while at the cusp of my budding sexuality. I needed help. During a fight with your mother, she screamed about how I was being a dominating bastard, saying how much she hated that shit . I asked her what shit , and she told me. Why do you think I ran to Vegas? How on earth would I have known Olivia existed? It was because I already knew I had a problem that needed to be resolved. I asked your mother for help, and she introduced me to her childhood friend.”

“Olivia didn’t resolve it, now did she?” Lost, terrified, I can’t help how snide that flowed from my lips.

“No. Olivia was just as imprisoned by her father as I was, only she was allowed to walk freely. From my view of events today, I can understand where we all stood back then. In all honesty, Olivia’s masterful training helped me.”

“How?”

“I was born to be a master, Ezra. I was born to be your master,” Marcus softly murmurs, reaching out to touch my hand in comfort.

“I’m glad you are,” is said in all sincerity, causing me to wince as I hear the reverent quality in my tone of voice.

“I know.” Marcus whispers without arrogance for the first time since this conversation started. “I’m honored, as I’m the only person walking on this planet who holds your leash. That was what the demonstration was for, how you’ll do anything for me. While I appreciate it, it scares me to death. I’m afraid of what I might ask of you one day. I’m afraid you won’t have the ability to say no. It leaves me feeling as if everything I ask of you is against your will, since you don’t have the ability to tell me no. Force is a trigger for me, in all ways. It makes me feel as sick as it does high.”

“You still didn’t need to leave us. It was a year of torture without you. We felt so lost without your guidance. We needed your companionship, your friendship– your advice. You were that big brother we never had.”

“Ezra, I lost my innocence to you.” Marcus tenderly whispers as he leans over to brush the hair off my forehead. “And I’m very glad I did. But it unleashed something inside of me, something that had been building for years. I then took my wife, whether she wanted it or not. Old school, religious horseshit about wifely duties or not, it wasn’t rape but it was wrong. Ezra, I found myself headed toward Cortez next. I was a monster in our home. I needed to leave to save us all.”

“That’s why you left? You were scared you’d hurt us?” I loathe how I sound like a hopeful child being told something bad wasn’t their fault.

“Not hurt you– harm you. There doesn’t need to be screaming and crying and fighting and bloodshed and violence for it to be rape. Violate you. Use you. Misuse the trust you all placed in me. When I left, I knew I had three people I could use to our mutual destruction. In Las Vegas, I found more than I’d bargained for, but I felt like it was a fitting punishment. I came back to Shadow Haven when I was finally safe to be around. I’ve never touched you like that again, while I fight the craving on a minute-to-minute basis. I’ve tried my damnedest to avoid Cortez. DO. NOT. APOLOGIZE. FOR. MY. SINS,” Marcus speaks directly into my face.

“I own my part,” I quickly mutter, proud that my voice doesn’t break.

“That’s right,” Marcus breathes. “Always remember that. I abused you, Ezra. I abused my power. I know how you felt, and I know how Cortez felt, because I felt that way in Vegas. You felt very good right here–” My eyes bulge from my skull as Marcus abruptly grabs my crotch and squeezes, rubbing his heavy palm on my straining erection. “Really good, if memory serves correctly.” He abruptly removes his palm from my screaming bulge, only to place it over my rapidly beating heart. “You felt warm here, happy to have served your master, because you made him proud and gave him pleasure. But up here–” Marcus taps my temple as he gravely whispers. “Was extremely upset.”

“Yes.” I nod in time with my heartbeat. “Cortez felt that way too.”

“I know.” Marcus admits in a devastated tone. “I can’t apologize enough. The power was an addiction. I never touched you again, because I didn’t want to harm you, and I didn’t want to touch you for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t in love with you. I didn’t naturally crave sexual acts from you. But it felt too good to be that very bad.”

“I know that feeling all too well.” I have to swallow a half dozen times to wet my suddenly dry mouth. “All too well.”

“I need you to understand how what I’m about to admit is never to leave this room. Do you understand, Ezra?” Marcus demands, changing the subject so quickly I reel from the shift.

“Yes, Master,” I robotically utter, then experience a whiplash affect for using that honorific.

“You’re dependent on me, and I’ve done some very bad things because of it. My demonstration was to be a wakeup call for you, make you see how you cannot deny me. I’ve always known about Ma?tre du Jeu, and I don’t mean the BDSM authority Olivia runs. Regina and I have known for a decade or more. I never questioned you or Cort, because I understood the loyalty behind keeping secrets that aren’t yours to tell.”

“You knew?” I gasp out in shock, eyes seeking out Marc’s for confirmation, and what I see reflected there is all I’ll ever need to know.

Marcus has always known what was going on.

“Of course,” Marcus grumbles, thoroughly perturbed. “Your mother told me– she likes to talk in the throes of orgasm.”

Yuck and aww war to roll off my tongue. “You were truly her lover?” I ask in complete and total disbelief.

“Yes, and you make it sound so salacious.” Marcus flashes me a wicked smirk. “Diane was my wife. I was madly in love with her when I was a seventeen-year-old idiot. Beautiful, intelligent, and cultured, with my grandmother’s stamp of approval. Diane didn’t want anyone to know, and she was worth the lies. She was an amazing lover.” Marcus releases a string of filthy chuckles dripping with lust. “I suspect Diane didn’t want her lesbian membership revoked.”

“You’re such an asshole,” is growled from between clenched teeth before I can stop it.

“Kidding!” Marc’s amber eyes spark with amusement. “This is a hard conversation to have, Ez. Your mother didn’t want it to be known, and I respected her wishes. She also hadn’t realized she blabbered about MdJ while screaming in ecstasy.”

“My mother wasn’t truly in the know, anymore than I was until Aunt Pearl told me.”

“Which is why Regina and I played stupid and continued to learn as much as we could– for a mute, Jamie sure is chatty with Regina and me,” Marcus mutters wryly. “As for bedding your mother, it was twenty times or so over all those years, and not once after the divorce was finalized– memorable and worth it. I revealed this to Regina when we were working through her issues over having to consummate her marriage to Whitt. We bonded over the confusion. Over how you can love someone but not be in love with them, yet achingly miss them, even if they aren’t the center of your universe. As far as MdJ goes, Regina is a genius.”

“How long has she known?” All along I thought it was hilarious that I knew something the Master of the Universe didn’t know, and then I felt bad for finding it thrilling. With Marcus acting crazy these past few months, I’ve felt so guilty that I wanted to tell him the truth prior to the Christmas party. Come to find out, I was the fool.

The Master of the Universe knows everything in all things. Always. Never doubt the Master of the Universe.

“Jamie let things slip here and there. Once the fog of grief cleared and Regina could think clearly, we found one another. We bonded until no secrets were left, and then we formulated a battle strategy. Faith drew Regina in, forcing her to do cyber-attacks with Boyd, which I’m sure you know, but she had a greater understanding of what was going on around her. I always knew Jamie and the rest of our people were playing me, which hurt like a sonofabitch. Jamie came clean to both Regina and me. Recently, I thought it best to act unhinged. Though not all of it was an act, because I was enraged to say the least.”

“And?” I prompt after Marcus waits more than a breath to continue.

“I had a lot of fun with Cortez, simply to get your head out of your ass and take what you truly wanted out of life, which you finally have. I also had some fun with your wife. Then Regina cheated with you and Whitt in the maze, which took all the fun out of everything.” Marcus actually pouts, looking disappointed that his entertainment was cut short. “I hate that goddamn maze.”

“What the fuck did you do to Katya?” is the snarl of a wild animal, as I lean in closer to get into Marc’s face.

“Next topic.” Marcus quickly dismisses by speaking over me before I can interject. “Regina just cornered her girls. Fate and Kris folded in an instant– we knew every single detail about everyone. Regina had fun looking sad and used, while I got into people’s minds. It was only fair after Regina lost the house she had built over her adult life, not to mention Jamie faking his own death, and I lost so very much since birth. I don’t enjoy being toyed with and used as a pawn.”

“You’re the fucking lunatic. Not me!”

“Never saner,” Marcus utters without remorse while eyeing me. I wait for him to say ‘ Pot calling the kettle black ’ or some other ridiculous phrase.

“By the way, Cortez was another lesson. I told Cortez I was in love with him to get him to crack, and it worked. Cort ran to your arms, as he should. I solidified it when I cornered him in the powder room. Cort was going to leave you, selflessly give you to Katya. But while I toyed with his emotions, I found out something astonishing– Cortez is stronger than you when it comes to me… he can tell me no where you cannot.”

“I can tell you no,” I grumble.

“No, you cannot.” Marcus laughs without humor. “You allowed your pregnant wife to suck my dick during her initiation, when she had no idea who I was. All because I whispered it into your ear, then look at the chaos that wrought. You allowed me to watch as she bedded my cousin, also my suggestion. At one point, you asked me if Katya was interested in being my lover, because you feared you weren’t enough for her, which was an insecurity I had bred in you. Had I said yes, she would have been in my bed before the night was through, as you owned her as much as I owned you. You tried to give Katya to me, just as you gave Cortez to me. If I ask anything of you, you will do it. I suspect the only thing you will fight me on is if I told you to kill Cort outright. Other than that, I own you.”

“I hate you!” I snarl, but there is no true weight behind it. The only thing I’m left feeling is deep-seated betrayal, as the man I thought hung the moon and stars destroys all trust I have in him. He’s no more ethical, moral, or rational than the rest of Dominion’s founders, and that is a sad realization.

Marcus is human, and a deeply flawed one at that, when I need him to be more.

Is Marcus being real with me now, or is this just another act, where he’s pushing me away for a reason? I’d like to believe that to be the case, but I fear discovering that this cruel, apathetic man is the Marcus I love and respect, which means I can no longer love nor respect him the way I have.

Just as we’ve all seen Regina as more, set her apart from all of us, thinking her more moral and ethical than the rest of us. Seeing both their behavior over the past few months, I don’t believe I can trust either one of them until they’ve earned it back.

No need to debate whether or not I can be trusted, but I am trying to earn it moving forward. Just as there is no debate the founders have used, abused, and twisted the denizens of Dominion. The only consolation is how we will admit outright that we’re rotten human beings, sometimes with shame and remorse, sometimes not.

Marcus and Regina’s bad behavior is worse than ours, because they are held to a higher standard, one they hold us to as well. They walk around as if they are above it all, when they’re in the thick of it, slinging shit at the rest of us, like we’re too unintelligent to realize we’re being toyed with in return.

“No, you don’t hate me, but you probably should.” As punishment for noticing the truth, Marcus hurts me deeply. “I thought it only fitting after you cheated with my fiancé– I fucked Katya a few weeks ago.”

“What?!” The scream echoes around the bedroom from my lungs, as I lunge from the loveseat, fully prepared to tackle Marcus and murder him where he rests.

We finally discovered someone Marcus is not exempt from harming, touching, or taking from me. My wife.

Impatient hands bat my pummeling fists away. Ignoring my outrage, Marcus acts like we’re discussing sports scores, not preparing to engage in bloodsports. “Well, I tried to fuck Kat, that is…” Sheepish grumbling is highlighted by a fierce blush.

“I discovered you no longer have a hold over your wife– your ownership has been revoked, therefore mine means nothing. Kat’s no never turned into a yes , so it didn’t get very far, since she kicked me in the nuts.” Marcus grimaces with remembered pain, shifting his thighs as if his testicles are being jarred. “It was more of an emotional fucking–”

“What the hell and why?!” Seething, I tower over his seated form. “Katya has been victimized by all of us, why did you add to it? She had enough ammunition to divorce me, but what you’ve done has only made it worse. Divorced or not, we have to raise our children together, not for eighteen years but until death do us part. Why would you think Katya would fuck you when that is not how she is built? Trust must be established for her to share intimacy, because she cannot have sex without trust after what Ray and I did to her. Only now we’ve added so many heinous acts on top of that rape.”

“Please sit, and then I will explain.” Marcus is leaning back as far as the chair will allow, trying to escape the intimidating waves of rage wafting from me.

I do as he bid, just as the bastard knew I would.

“It started off as an apology for trapping Katya, and it went all to shit from there.” Uncomfortable in the extreme, Marcus doesn’t do well when people don’t behave as he thinks they ought.

“I told Katya how I truly believed either you or Cort would have cut her loose in the first few weeks after she came to Dominion. I never thought it would go as far as a marriage and kids. Katya was just supposed to be a lesson and a wakeup call for you and Cortez, but it spiraled out of control.”

“No one ever believes a goddamn word I say.” Fists curled on my thighs, I barely keep my anger in check. “ I. Love. My. Wife. I. Want. My. Wife . No differently than I feel about Cortez. Someday, someone will get it through their thick skull, since you all go around telling Katya I don’t love her or want her, and now we’re getting a divorce because you’ve all destroyed our marriage.”

Watching me with a quizzical eye, I can tell Marcus still doesn’t believe me. Like perhaps I’m saying what I hoped was true, trying to convince myself of the lie.

“Marcus, I’m not lying to myself.” Fisting my chest with tears burning my eyes, I can barely grit the words out. “This suffocating agony I’m suffering is not that of a man who is relieved to be rid of the old ball and chain. It is that of a man who has lost his wife and knows there is nothing on this earth he can do to regain her love and trust. Stop telling me how I feel and take what I say at face-value.”

Marcus nods, but that simple gesture could mean anything. “I apologized to Katya for trapping her, for putting her into a position where the only outcome was her pain, then I tried to comfort her. Bear in mind, Katya never said a word to me during the whole event. Her actions spoke louder than her words when she kicked me in the balls.”

“A few days ago, I received a similar kick to the nuts. Then I experienced the exact opposite of that silent treatment at three this morning. I heard more from Katya than I ever have, and I couldn’t grasp why she loathes you so much. Roarke said you haven’t spoken to Katya in almost a year. What the hell was that about?”

“That was me trying to be a good person by giving Kat space to find her own path instead of living yours. Step one of fixing what I screwed up was ignoring Kat. Step two was breaking Cort in for you. Step three was watching Cort and Kat negotiate over you like you were a prize, which I believe you are,” he quickly mumbles. “Contrary to Katya’s opinion on the subject.”

“This shit I’ve been living was just a game to you?” Voice quivering with betrayal and injustice, does Marcus only see us as pawns in his game of life? I finally understand how everyone beneath me feels, and I absolutely fucking loathe it.

“No,” Marcus fiercely bites out. “Not a game, but I had to play it in order to maneuver you to where you needed to be, to where you should have always been. As I said, I was fielding this shit left and right. Playing the game to beat all games while pretending to be ignorant. I was trying to get my boys to grow up and move on. Once I had Cortez fighting for you again, no longer willing to give you to Katya by default, I went to Katya and told her the truth. All of it . How she wasn’t meant to be your wife, because you and Cortez belong to one another. You didn’t love her and could never want her the way she needed to be wanted and loved. She’s an interloper, which is why everyone tolerates her, unable to like her as a person since she injected herself into our lives.”

“You goddamn bastard!” is roared from my throat, words cracking from the force. “This is my wife you’re talking about here. These are my decisions, not yours. You act as if Katya trapped me, not the other way around. I wanted her, and I did everything in my considerable power to get her, while everyone around us bullied her for my decisions. My actions and words discount what all you motherfuckers believe to be truth.”

“Oh, that woman hates my guts now,” Marcus drawls out without a lick of remorse. Everyone thinks me the sociopath, but all I feel is contrition right now, whereas this man is getting off on Katya’s pain. “Not that Kat likes you any better than me, mind you. I needn’t have worried. She wasn’t about to fight for someone she thought was a worthless piece of shit, so my work was complete.”

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t recognize this manipulative, cruel, morally bankrupt human being,” is seethed while I point my forefinger in his face. Marcus swats my hand away, as if I’m just an annoying bug buzzing his head.

“Really, Ez? Splitting hairs there, aren’t we? You’re at Shadow Haven. Cort is in your shared bed as your partner. You are raising your kids, and Katya is civil with Cort. You’ll divorce Kat and marry Cort and run off into the sunset, as you always should have. It’s a dream life, which I just tossed it into your lap, so don’t be so judgmental and patronizing. Just say Thank you, Master . Then prove to me you appreciate all of my hard work, dedication, and love I’ve bestowed upon you by actually taking the gift you were given.”

“Thank you, Master,” is snidely twisted, but it’s too sick to contemplate that I may actually sound sincere and grateful. “I understand Katya’s fury even more now. I love you with every fiber of my being, but I hate your fucking guts right this second. You’ve treated me like I’ve treated Katya.”

“You were a HUGE dick to Katya, even I will agree with that. Katya and I were equally betrayed when you and Regina were unfaithful in that maze together. That’s not something I will ever forget, son– neither should your ex -wife.” Marcus laughs, laughs right into my face, and I just want to punch the smug…

…so I do.