Page 84 of Insolence (Eisha’s Hidden Codices #1)

“It sort of is.” I give a soft chuckle. “You, by your very design, are a creature of desire and destruction. And your particular form of destruction can be kind, or it can be cruel. Fuck. I can’t imagine how you lasted till nearly nineteen.”

“That doesn’t make it right ,” she whispers.

“No. It doesn’t. Which is one of several reasons why clear consent and communication were always so important to us before.

Why we’re going to need to figure out how to build that up between us again.

” My hand cups her face, my thumb skimming her tear-streaked cheek.

“But I understand why that night in the atelier happened. And just so you know, I wouldn’t trade it or change it for anything. ”

“You wouldn’t?”

“Fuck, no! I first knew I loved you that night, although you had already sown your seed deep long beforehand. That was one of the best nights of my life. And Tiss, in case there’s any doubt whatsoever, I love you still. With everything in me.”

“I love you too,” she whispers. Then, so fiercely, she reminds me of the accursed day she came here: “I will always love you, El Asher. My heart will always call out to you. Always want you. Then. Now. Forever.”

“I would break realms for you, Tiss.”

“I would break my own heart again if it meant protecting you, sweetheart.”

“For fuck’s sake!” I say. “ No . Nobody’s breaking anybody’s heart. We’re done with that. Finished.”

“We are,” she agrees with a pathetic little shudder.

“But please, El, just talk to me from now on. I need honesty and direct communication from you, the same way you need me to respect your boundaries. Without answers, I drive myself crazy. Whatever the issue is, I promise I’ll do my best to be reasonable, but I can’t abide the withholding of information any longer. Not when it affects me.”

Love for her floods me. A river bursting a dam. I’m so overwhelmed, at first I can’t reply.

Taking her chin between my fingers, I lift her face to mine. “Here’s our new deal going forward: we’re starting over, you and me. Only honesty and directness from us both from now on, all right?”

“And respecting one another’s boundaries,” she adds.

“Even when we disagree,” I nod. “Even when we get angry. We talk to each other and work things out together from now on. How does that sound?”

“Deal,” she sniffles, nodding and dashing the tears from her cheeks. “Will you tell me something?”

“Anything.”

“Was I always like that before? Charming and confident and completely irreverent?”

“Always.”

A smile curls the corners of her mouth. “I think I would have liked Past Me.”

With a sigh, I pull her closer. “You were never afraid of anything. Very rarely angry. It took quite a bit to rile you, actually.”

“Ha,” she gives a humorless laugh. “And now?”

“I told you once, a long time ago, I’d never not want you, never not love you, and I meant that.

Before our soul-tie. And nothing about that would change for me now without it.

” An ironic chuckle falls out of me. “For gods’ sakes, we’ve been ruling and ruining each other’s lives since you walked up to me in Nehel and defiled my painting.

The crazy thing is, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But I do need you to promise me something and mean it this time. ”

“Hmm?”

I place my fingers beneath her chin. Lift it and look into her jewel-blue depths. “Don’t you ever, ever scare me so badly again. Not like you did pulling that stunt with Lydia today, and not like you did pledging yourself to the goddess. Do you understand me, Itissa?”

“I won't. You have my word.”

“You come to me from now on. Whatever it is, we’ll talk. Figure it out together.”

“Yes, sir,” she whispers.

I bring her face to mine. Our kiss is long and lingering, gentle and surrendering. It carries the pang of longing and the exquisite agony of something dangerous and addictively dark but irrevocably ours. Her hot tears wet my cheeks.

“Your roses,” she says, suddenly pulling away. “Your thousand-petal roses—”

I frame her face between my hands, thumbing away the fresh tears. “They’re your roses, Tiss. Always have been. You loved them before you knew me, and I love them now because I love you.”

Halfway between adoration and disbelief, she whispers, “I remembered last night that they were mine.”

“My first year here was difficult,” I say, slowly. “I was reconciling a lot of things. Missing you terribly, even though you tore my heart out of my chest. I was trying to figure out how to get by without being found out. Hiding what felt like endless secrets.

“One night, unsure where else to turn, I prayed to Eisha for a sign. The true goddess—not the bloodthirsty image of her the temple upholds. I asked her to show me I’d survive this hell.

“When the temple opened that spring, our very first visitor brought a big bunch of thousand-petal roses to lay at Eisha’s feet in the Gallery.” I smile at the memory. “There were so many of them, and so many more bouquets that followed. I figured she wouldn’t miss a few roses.”

Tiss’s breath stalls in her throat. She suddenly feels so small, so fragile in my hands.

“So I snipped five blooms. Propagated them. Three developed strong enough roots to plant. Two of them survived. It took them two years to establish their roots again. This past year they’ve really flourished, though.”

“With the way you dote on them I’m not surprised,” she smiles.

“Every time I’ve looked at them or smelled them, it’s almost as if you were with me again. If even for a short while. I didn’t feel so alone.

“Same reason I whipped up that pepper jelly in a fit of nostalgia last fall. Same reason I pickle blueberries every year, even though I can’t stand those horrid things. It’s always been for you. About you, my love.”

Her entire body lights up, her aura blazing with pure incandescence. My heart glows to match. Tucking her tight against me, I kiss the top of her head. Lift her hand to my mouth and kiss it too. Place it over my heart and hold it there.

I stop by Cordelia and Sadrie’s rooms after leaving Tiss. The former I arrange to meet up with in the Orrery Tower tomorrow so we can talk about demuns. Afterward, I’ll bring her down to the Sanctum.

She’ll be the only other acolyte to see it after Tiss, but with Maida’s permission, it’s time. Past time for me to start expanding my circle of trust. To open up to the select few whom I know are trustworthy. Even though it feels like stripping myself naked and walking through fire.

But if we’re going to get out of this gods’ forsaken place, it’s the only path forward.

I spoke to Sadrie about helping me and Maida with our plans.

I didn’t go into great detail, only saying the bare minimum that would get my point across.

She was receptive. Understood the risks involved.

To my pleasant surprise, she also didn’t push me when I told her I couldn’t answer all of her questions just yet.

So that’s a start, on both counts.

Afterward, I bring a cup of hot tea into the flower greenhouse and sit. Simply enjoying Tiss’s roses.

She and I still have things to discuss. We haven’t yet talked about the fact that our bond—my enthrallment to her—severely limits my autonomy. I actually can’t stay mad at her. Can’t hate her. Can’t leave her.

At times, like in this same greenhouse not so long ago, I literally can’t resist her.

And I will always, always love her and want her. Always forgive her, time and again. No matter what. Apparently.

She’s a creature of chaos and magic, and such is the nature of these things. We learned long ago that we don’t have a choice in our bond. But we can choose how to treat one another within the confines of it, and that’s what matters.

We had a system in place before. It worked well for us. I’m hopeful we can fall back into that a little easier now that things are transparent between us.

For the first time in I-don’t-know-how-fucking-long, dread doesn’t well up inside me when I think of the future.