Page 62 of Insolence (Eisha’s Hidden Codices #1)
Itissa
T he rage is untempered and all-consuming. Powerful. Pure in its simplicity.
So much of it comes on so quickly, the monster inside of me rouses.
“I take it Ghisele said or did something to upset you?” Elodie’s tone is infuriatingly mild, the unfeeling mask firmly in place.
Willing my feet to stay planted, I understand that much like strong arousal, anger of this intensity makes me vulnerable. It puts me at risk of losing control.
But I’m also tired . So very weary and wary of Elodie’s secrets—of demands that are starting to feel like emotional manipulation.
I want to give into the beastly rage more than anything. To become a tempest and scream and rush at her. But what if I black out or hurt her or myself again?
The air collapses from my lungs. As little as I trust her at this moment, surprisingly, I trust myself less. I hate what I become when I can’t regulate my emotions.
I drag in a breath so full I’m amazed my chest doesn’t split apart. It releases with a gasp. No more. I won’t lose myself this time—I can’t. I pull in another, letting my eyes close and my belly expand, seeking out the calm, dark place within me.
Although I don’t quite know who I am, by now I certainly know what I’m not. And I refuse to continue being a wounded, paranoid, temperamental bitch who makes myself and other people ill.
Not for Elodie’s sake. Not because of boundaries or “deals” or praise. No . When I get a handle on myself, which I will, it’ll be for me and me alone.
“You all right, Tiss?”
“I will be,” I whisper through tight lips.
She says nothing. Does nothing. She simply waits, giving me the time and space I need.
In the darkness behind my eyelids, I stumble and grope for unaccounted seconds. Desperation sharpens my focus, fear honing it like a blade. There.
Our glowing connection rises before me.
It’s a mere filament. A long and lonely strand. It’s practically nothing, and yet, in this moment, it is everything. Willing my predator with its snapping jaws and razor claws to relax for two damn seconds , I focus on the energy humming along it.
Breathe in. Breathe out. In. And out.
Miraculously, the outrage ebbs. My beast backs off, its frenzy less acute. Soon, a sense of peaceful quiet trickles through me, releasing my tight muscles and soothing nerves stretched way too far.
Elodie is leaning against the desk, watching me carefully when my eyes open again. For once, her scrutiny feels closer to caring than cold judgment.
“Better now?” Her face softens when I nod, and warmth careens into my torso. It’s from her. “Good. Now. Can you please explain what that was all about?”
“Enid overheard what Maida said to you. About a ‘Succubus and her Thrall,’ apparently in reference to you and me. Ghisele ambushed me with it just before the fireworks.”
Elodie’s hand goes up. Blinking several times, she slowly rubs her forehead. “And do you know what any of that means?”
“No. Well, I know the definition of thrall , but what is a Succubus?”
“Ghisele didn’t tell you?”
“A dark, unnatural force. She accused you of using dark magic to compel me. Of making me your Thrall.”
“Goddess.” Her expression cracks, her chuckle ironic. “If she had two more brain cells at her disposal, she might actually be dangerous.”
Desperation scrambles through me. “You’ve never denied that there’s something connecting us, Elodie. Why won’t you tell me what it is, unless there’s something to hide? And please don’t brush me off tonight.” The last part comes out sounding frayed. “I don’t think I could bear it.”
She closes the distance between us to scoop me into her arms. Gods help me, I return her embrace. Burying my face in the crook of her neck, I let frustrated tears sting my eyes.
“It’s our soul-tie, Tiss. The end result of your magic binding to mine.
You were right before—I feel it too.” I gasp, and she strokes my hair.
“It happens between changelings sometimes, when you can look at someone’s hard truths.
Truly, truly accept her for everything she is, imperfections and all. Ours was forged seven years ago.”
Seven years ago? I pull back, my heart bashing against my rib cage. “What does that mean ?”
Her fingers skim my shoulders through the light sweater I changed into before we hiked up here. Her hold on me is soft—careful, even. “It means you and I were together before I was sent here, Tiss. We were once deeply in love in our previous lives.”
The revelation seems to fill up the room, leaving little space for air. I tug out of her grasp, feeling like a ghost is breathing down my neck.
Deeply in love . But as shocking as it is to finally hear her say so, I’m not exactly surprised. Now everything else makes a strange sort of sense. “And I suppose you were just going to let me suffer indefinitely. Rack my brain like an idiot.”
“Like I said. I needed to trust you to manage your emotions. You just proved that you can—splendidly, in fact.” She drops into the desk chair.
“And it didn’t seem fair to tell you our souls were linked without first giving you a chance to form your own opinion about me.
Without giving myself the freedom to form a connection with you.
Something real —built on a foundation other than magic. ”
“I need you to tell me what we spoke about when I first came here, Elodie.” My hands curl into fists, the muscles in my arms twitching. “ Now , please.”
She shrugs, seemingly searching for words.
“You arrived like an earthquake. A force of nature.” She spins her thumb ring around.
“All pretty pandemonium hellbent on the terribly romantic but impractical notion of rescuing me. You hoped to sneak me out of here. Needless to say, that didn’t quite pan out.
” A sad smile lifts the corners of her mouth.
“At the time, you told me you’d never stopped loving me.
You regretted how you left. It was… not an amicable parting. ”
“Wait. I left you?”
“That’s what you said. I was sent here perhaps six months later.”
I came here to rescue her . I’m trying and failing to form a response. We once had some sort of life together. We were in love, and I… I left her!
“When you realized we wouldn’t be leaving together, you made me promise to keep you safe,” she continues with a jerk of her shoulders, as if she isn’t turning my world on its end. “Told the prioress you wished to pledge yourself to the goddess, and that was that.”
Questions crowd my mind—so many of them, I hardly know where to start. For the second time tonight, fear of what else I might learn about myself coils a knot in my chest. It’s all suddenly too much to hold in at once, and I stagger backward.
“Tiss?” Rising from the chair, Elodie cups my face.
A tide of amber and cedar rushes into my lungs, bringing calm and safety. I stare past her shoulder, concentrating on breathing her in as her fingers cradle my jaw, her grip soft but sure.
Two tidy piles of books top the desk. Bound in neutral shades of leather, embossed lettering crowds their spines.
“I’m fine,” I say when the worst shock passes.
Interestingly, it’s mostly the truth. Endless questions still swirl, but the overwhelm has ebbed along with the urge for immediate answers.
At least for now. “I understand why you kept it from me. Thank you for finally telling me. Perhaps we can finish discussing it once I’ve had a chance to digest everything. ”
Her agate eyes dart between mine, the look on her face a revelation. Pulling me closer, she tucks me into her arms. “Of course we can talk more later, sweetheart. Let me know when you’re ready. I promise to tell you everything I safely can.”
Secure in her embrace, I sigh, my eyes screwed shut. It feels like a release . Better than a strong orgasm or a badly needed bout of crying to know I have the option of getting more answers whenever I’m able to receive them. At least as far as what she’s able to give.
Our soul-tie quivers, a feeling like joy filling me up. Her joy , I realize with a sharp intake of breath. And mine, too . Gratitude floods me from head to toe.
“Ghisele was manipulating you,” murmurs Elodie into my hair. “Toying with your emotions. It’s a nasty habit she’s got. Please know this: I do not tamper with dark magic, Tiss. It is anathema to me. Against every value I hold dear.”
My poor, degenerate heart spasms in my chest as I cling to her. My foothold slips. I have the distinct sensation that I’m falling or I will fall; it can’t be helped.
It is inevitable. Ordained. Determined by some anonymous, all-powerful force without my input or knowledge, long before this moment arrived.
My fingers toy with her hair cascading down her back. “I believe you.” And while we clearly have far more to discuss, gods help me, for tonight, this is enough.