Page 45 of Insolence (Eisha’s Hidden Codices #1)

She blots her tear-stained face. “You don’t need to forgive me, Elodie, but I want you to know how sorry I am for how I acted when I was out of my mind.

You called a codeword, and I was so far gone I just kept pushing.

Gods, I stabbed you. I’m every bit as bad as Sadrie, and I can’t stand it. I hate that I did that.”

My heart cracks for her a little bit. “Listen. It’s not a coincidence that you’ve been battling this monster of yours and having trouble regulating your emotions. I think the two things are deeply connected. But the good news is, you can teach yourself control with breathing exercises.”

“ Breathing exercises?”

“Measured, deep breaths. When you realize your feelings are growing too big to handle, it can help you self-regulate before you completely lose control. With practice it might make it all easier to deal with.”

Skepticism flashes in her face. “It’s really that simple?”

“Give it a try,” I shrug. “And it’s not simple, no. It takes patience and consistency. Controlled breathing is only the starting point. But you might be surprised at the results if you’re willing.”

“If you say so.” She purses her mouth into a perfect mauve rosebud.

“I’ll try anything at this point. I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again.

Not you or myself or Sadrie—even though she’s being shitty at the moment.

Not with my words or actions. I definitely don’t want to cause harm, like Mother Deirdre and her horrible dome. ”

I gaze at her, warmth glowing in my chest. Something close to joy of all things pulses through me. I wish with a vicious desperation I could tell her what she is. Even consider it for half a second.

But that’d only kick open a door neither of us is ready to walk through.

You know what comes next, Elodie. And with her and Sadrie on the outs, I know what I need to do now, too.

“That’s what matters,” I say. “And yes, Tiss. I forgive you. Of course I do.” As if I could do anything else.

She exhales a long breath, visibly relaxing.

“Can you forgive me for being selective about what I tell you?”

“I think so,” she nods. “You’re right. I’m not entitled to information. Especially nothing that could endanger your standing here or put you at personal risk.”

Goddess . A lump rises in my throat. I didn’t realize how much I’d been needing her to acknowledge it. “Need help removing those arm laces? Or were you planning to start a new fashion craze?”

The briefest of smiles softens her face. “Help would be nice. Thank you.”

I stand to fetch my sewing kit. Drop down next to her on the cushioned settee when I get back. “I need to ask you something personal about, ah… being intimate with Sadrie. But only if you’re comfortable answering.”

She shrugs. “Can I let you know if I’m not?”

“Of course.” I fish out the blunt-tipped scissors. Hold them up. “May I?”

She places her wrist in my hand.

“You said you drained her and that she accused you of taking something from her.” One by one, I snip the sutures. “Before that happened, were you the one in control? Er, the more dominant person in the equation?”

She looks at me strangely, cheeks reddening. “How did you know?”

“I know a thing or two about a thing or two,” is my vague reply.

She studies me for a long moment. I can practically see the gears turning in her mind.

But she doesn’t argue, doesn’t probe. “Before, when Sadrie was the one in control, nothing bad or strange happened. Which has been tripping me up worse than anything else about this whole situation.”

“Well. There’s nuance there. Believe it or not, it makes a difference.”

She gives that some thought. Watches my hands as I work.

“When I was in control—when I, um… finished— something strange happened. A couple of strange things, actually.” She holds up her opposite hand.

Gazes at it as if she can see something I can’t.

“The backs of both of my hands started glowing with some sort of design, almost like tattoos. After that, I-I think Eisha sent me a vision.”

Eh? I cock an eyebrow.

All the sutures now cut, I return the scissors to the kit and pluck out my tweezers.

“I heard her voice, and then a glowing sense of rightness filled me. She told me she loved me… Said that I belong to her. Sadrie and Cordelia described a similar phenomenon shortly before the lottery.”

“Ah.” So they both received omens. Wonder what that’s like. I pinch one end of the cut thread.

She holds her breath, her eyes briefly meeting mine before she jerks her chin, giving me the go-ahead. I yank the thread from her arm in a swift motion. Her eyes press closed, and she hisses through her teeth.

Recovers soon enough.

I haven’t the slightest idea what to make of this so-called vision Tiss just described, though. I’ll have to consult Maida.

“Sigils,” I say.

“What?” She braces herself while another bit of thread tugs free with a satisfying pop . “Shit,” she hisses. “That one had roots.”

A small spot of blood wells up where I yanked it out. “Sorry. Your skin actually adhered to them when it healed. Probably because it was so quick.”

“I figured as much.” She winces as the tweezers grab the next one.

“The glowing designs on the backs of your hands were sigils. Not tattoos.” I yank it out.

“ Ouch ,” she whispers. “Sigils?”

“Think of it like a magical signature. Sigils were the physical manifestation of your magic calling out to Sadrie’s life-force. That’s what you took from her, by the way. It’s why she felt drained.”

“ Gods , Elodie,” she says, her eyes stretching wide.

“What? It sounded like you’d already sort of figured it out.”

“Well, I was hoping I was mistaken! I mean, her life-force ? Really ?”

“It’s what healed you. It also regenerates on its own, so don’t worry too much. Physically, she bounced back after that first day. Her life-force will regenerate too. Eventually.” I pause to let her absorb it all. Continue plucking out the sutures.

Luckily most of them aren’t sticking as bad as the first few. “I also want you to keep in mind, nothing unusual happened when you submitted to her ,” I say. “And for future reference, there is a way to learn to control how much life-force you take and when.”

“Wait.” Her expression rearranges itself, her aura sparking vaguely with excitement. “There is? Do say more.”

The speed with which she slingshots from disbelief to dismay to extreme interest is more endearing than it probably ought to be.

I chuckle. Muster everything in me to keep from reaching out to stroke her cheek.

Goddess. This woman will drag me to exquisite ruin . At this point, I fucking welcome it. “I’ll make a deal with you,” I say. “Work on regulating your emotions. Then, perhaps, we can discuss the rest of it.”

She looks me up and down, her teeth tearing at her bottom lip. “Intriguing offer.”

“There. Finished,” I say, and return the tweezers to the kit.

I lean back, feeling a touch overheated all of a sudden.

Rest my head against the wall. “And since I’m feeling generous, what if I were to entice you with something else in the meantime?

” I look at her. “Something you’ve been asking of me for a little while now. ”

“Like what?” she says, one elegant eyebrow arched.

“Something you want bad enough to jam a paper knife through my shoulder.”

“Oh, gods.” She blushes a pretty shade of pink. “Wait. Really?”

I shrug.

“You’ll give me information?” she says, dropping her tone as well as her chin.

“Mm. Let’s say I’m willing to answer questions. Certain questions. Within reason. And you don’t need to be so shocked about it.”

The bridge of her nose crinkles. “Forgive my bluntness, but you’re cagey as all hell, priestess.”

That actually draws a laugh out of me. “It so happens I’m particular about who I trust. And you’re a force of nature. But yes, I give you my word. As long as there’s no more stabbing.”

A mischievous smile creeps across her face. Sends a delicious thrill through me. “Will you… tell me what we talked about when I first came here?”

“Eventually. We can work up to that conversation.”

“Fine,” she sighs. “I can agree—”

“Hold on, you don’t know my terms.”

Like the charming brat she is, she gives a sassy toss of her head. “I thought it was if I didn’t stab you again.”

“Right,” I snort. “Definitely don’t stab me. And pass the exam tomorrow.”

“What? But what if I can’t?”

“Then too bad for you. Wait and try again next time. Trust me, there's no shortage of opportunities. We’ll be having them every few weeks from here on out. But the more exams you pass, the more questions I’ll answer.”

“Damn,” she says, eyes round.

“I’m concerned about your studies, and I’m not above strategic bribery. Besides. Now you can’t claim I never did anything for you.”

“You have been more than fair, oh Wise Maker of Deals. It sounds like I had better start studying for that test.”

For fuck’s sake, Tiss. I get to my feet. “Yes. You probably better.”

She rises too. Follows me to the door, which I hold for her.

I wait until she’s passing through before doing something a little bit evil. Something I know better than, but she decided to be charming and bratty. So I drop my voice low and croon, “Study hard for me like a good girl, all right?”

She stops. Just clear of the doorway. A wall of pheromones hits me like a pallet of bricks as her neck goes scarlet.

“Good night, Tiss,” I say and shut the door.