Page 9

9

PENNY

Flashes of memories flitter through my brain at high speed of Mark Tanner on the night that changed my life forever. Claws scratch at the delicate walls of my mind, digging into the fragile darkness, and restoring freedom for the evil, vile man to resurrect.

His scarred face…

His sinister smile…

And the way his eyes track me…promising me that he is coming for me. He’ll be relentless.

Prison walls won’t keep us apart, not when he is taking up camp right here—in my own mind’s playground.

“Tsk-tsk, Penny…” His words are a hollowed-out echo, bulldozing through all the work I’ve done on myself, shattering me from the inside out.

“Don’t touch me,” I yell, not even sure my voice is making a sound that is outside my own head. My shoulders round inward, and I tighten my band of arms.

Please, don’t touch me.

I squeeze my eyes shut as I feel my body rocking back and forth, swaying to the rhythm of my frantic heart.

“Stay buried, stay buried, stay buried,” I chant in my mind.

The calloused hand touches me again, and as I resurface for air from the depths of the darkness, I reclaim my willpower.

“You dropped this,” the masculine voice says softly, now squeezing my shoulders, giving me a little shake. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m not falling for your charm.” My fist swings around—desperate to connect with anything. Anything to make this pain stop. But I miss and flop my body into the hardness of someone else. Someone safe.

“Here, I’ll take it,” the new voice cuts through the static sound crinkling in my ears.

Collins. He has me.

I let out a whimper but don’t dare open my eyes. My mind has played evil tricks on me before…tempting me to come out of this tight, little cocoon of protection…

Just to be deceived again.

“Penny?” His voice is in my ear, hesitation evident in his concerned tone, as he rubs soft circles along my back. “No one will hurt you.”

I clear my throat as I choke on a sob. “He was here.”

“Who?”

“Mark.”

I feel the tension radiate through his body, as he takes a step back, cups my chin, and coaxes me to look into his eyes. “Penny…”

“He was. I saw him.”

“No. He’s locked up. He’ll never hurt you again.”

Except he is…

My eyes scan the room, searching for the vile man, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

Of course he isn’t.

Mark Tanner may be rotting away behind the bars in prison until he has his trial, but he lives rent-free in my damaged mind every day I exist.

“I’m sorry,” I say, as tears fill my eyes—for what, I’m not too sure.

My stare grows wide. I know if I blink, I’ll be a crying mess.

“He can’t hurt you, unless you keep allowing him to.”

“He finds me.” I bite back a sob. “Every time I am vulnerable. He finds me. Every time a stranger brushes against me. He finds me. And those instances make me want to lose myself into the darkness and never come out. I want to hide.”

And that’s what I did that night—I hid—and never resurfaced until months later.

Collins pushes back a strand of hair that I’m sure is sticking to the side of my sweaty cheek. His eyes study my face, looking for what—I don’t know. “How can I help you?”

“I just need a moment.”

“Let’s find you a place to sit. There’s a chair in the hallway.”

It takes all my energy to nod. I feel like a freak. If physical touch can trigger me this much, how will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship—let alone an actual sex life?

“Here, take my hand.”

Reluctantly, I reach mine out and Collins envelops it. His touch feels different—safe.

“I’m sorry.” My words come out soft, almost as a whisper that I’m not even sure is loud enough to be heard. “I scared that person.” I know I did. There’s no amount of convincing me otherwise that will be believable. Not when I know the truth.

“Everything’s going to be alright. Just take a couple of deep breaths.”

His steady pace guides me blindly to a comfy chair several yards away from where I exited Plus None. I feel foolish. Being triggered this easily is not proving to anyone that I’m healed from the trauma that got me sent away in the first place. Maybe Graham and Nic’s fear that I was released too soon is valid.

Right now in this moment, I would have to agree.

I slowly open my eyes to find Collins kneeling at my side, my hand still in his. Tears drip out, and I move my head to get my shirt to capture some of the excess off my cheeks. I take a few deep breaths, allowing the stress to detach from my brain and melt away.

Mark Tanner can’t hurt me anymore.

And while his influence on my life hasn’t fully gone away—and maybe never will—I no longer need to keep living in the shadow of his evilness. I can choose to push forward.

“Penny, you can talk to me.”

“No, I can’t.”

Collins’s eyes twitch. “ Yes , you can.” He sounds offended.

I mean, what does he expect?

“Everything that has happened thus far will get passed along to my brothers. I have no one to confide in where they won’t find out. And while I do trust Angie and Claire, I don’t need to put them in a position to withhold the truth. So, no. I don’t have anyone to talk to. No one.”

Collins’s eyes confirm my fears. This is why I need a friend. Someone neutral and not obligated to walk on eggshells around me.

After several long minutes, he clears his throat. Then he places the ponytail band I must have dropped in the hall that started this whole emotional shitstorm into the palm of my hand. “I won’t say anything.”

“And why should I believe you?”

“Because I’ve been looking out for your best interests all along. Besides, my position is not to be a middleman.”

“Well then, what is your position?”

Collins stands, pacing in front of me. “We really need to have a conversation. But not here. We need to go someplace private.”

“That seems silly.” I watch as he stops moving to look at me. “You hate talking.”

I see a smirk play on his lips, and it does something to me in the pit of my stomach. At one time I thought Collins was incapable of showing any facial expressions, as if he was pumped up with Botox or just physically unable. Now, I see that he is just selective with his emotional expressions. So when he offers me one, I am tempted to savor it and commit it to memory.

My breathing settles as I recall our earlier discussion. It’s not that I forgot, but I guess I wasn’t expecting Collins to be waiting around for me while I toured Plus None. Doesn’t he ever get bored?

I start to stand and move past him.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going to use the restroom.” Now that I’m no longer in an equilibrium state, I feel a bit raw and vulnerable in front of him.

He nods, sucking in a breath. “I’ll be here waiting.”

“No doubt,” I mumble.

I turn and rush into the ladies’ room, feeling the sweat beading on my face. What is wrong with me?

I’m being silly.

This is how I react when any guy gives me a little attention—albeit completely platonic. I act silly. Awkward.

I finish up and wash my hands in the sink. I dab a clean paper towel on my cheeks, trying to tone down some of the blotchiness from my skin. I look like I just went for a jog.

Dammit.

Giving up hope, I toss the crumbled-up paper towel into the trash and exit back into the hallway, where I find Collins at his post like a perfect soldier.

“Ready to go?” he asks, eyeing me with suspicion.

Stop looking at me. I’m fine. “Yes, sir.” As soon as the words register to his ears, his eyes twitch and the rare smirk is playing on his lips once again. Shit. This isn’t helping. “Where are we going?” I quickly ask, trying to change the subject.

“You’ll see.”

“So you aren’t going to tell me?”

“I’m not planning on it.”

“So this is how it’s going to be?”

“Most likely.”

“Grrr…”

I pick up my pace to keep up with him as he hits the button for the elevator. Our descent to the lobby is less ceremonious compared to our frantic arrival earlier, where my indecisiveness got the best of me.

When we cross through the open space, several employees tilt their head toward us, as a sign of respect—at least I would assume. I think the attention is primarily directed at Collins, who spends exponentially more time here than I do, but I smile in response anyway. I can’t even assume people know who I am. It’s not like I’ve been back in the area long. But who knows when it comes to my brothers. There may have been a special briefing among staff where a printout of my face was used for reference.

The warm Portland air hits me as soon as the glass doors open to allow us out. Any day here without a canopy of rain clouds in the sky is a good day. Everything can look so doom and gloom when the sun is hidden.

Collins opens my passenger door and helps me inside with a gentle hand to my elbow and one to the small of my back. I don’t need that assist, but the gesture feels nice.

I’m still trying to figure out why some people can touch me and nothing scary happens inside my head, while others can cause such unrest and madness.

I dig into my bag and pull out the new journal he got me. Earlier, I transferred my goal list to the beginning pages, letting this gift be my main keeper of my thoughts.

If there is one thing I’ve learned through the numerous daily therapy sessions I endured, it is to write things down. There is something magical that can happen when I release my brain from holding on to the lingering information that could potentially be dragging me down.

Collins opens the driver’s side door and slides into his place behind the wheel. His eyes catch the journal he got me, and I can see a slow smile brighten his otherwise emotionless expression.

My lips pull into a smirk. “What are you smiling at?”

“Oh, nothing,” he says, clicking his tongue.

“Liar.”

“Perhaps.”

Every encounter with this man brings me more information that I’m trying to piece together. Why is he the way he is? Does he always use his calmness to subdue those around him, or does he really not have that much to say?

“I love the journal, Collins. Thank you.”

“I’m glad, Penelope.” Upon my groan, he chuckles and then corrects himself. “Penny.”

I look out the window as we pass through the city, heading northwest. Based on the direction we are taking, I think I know where we are going. However, I don’t bother asking. I know Collins won’t tell. He is the type to dole out information if he chooses—not answer questions like an interrogation.

But I can’t resist filling the silence. So I do what I do best. I make things awkward. “Do you have any family?”

I glance over to see Collins looking extra uncomfortable. His eyes darken, and I can see the twitch starting in his jaw.

“Doesn’t everyone?” His words are cold. Calculated.

“Not an active one, no.”

“Then, no.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t need pity.”

“Good thing I’m not giving it. What happened to them?”

“They died.”

What? “How?”

“I was raised by my grandparents. They passed and then I entered into the foster care system. Every few months, I got a new family.”

“Do you have any relationship with any of those families now?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

He clears his throat. “Because there was no one who made a positive impact on my life other than to give me a reason to build a fortress around myself.”

My eyes fill with tears as I think about Collins as a young boy, being tossed about from house to house. “This is breaking my heart.”

His sigh cuts through my sniffling, as he shifts in his seat. “Not every card in the deck is meant to be in your hand. Some people start out having better luck with life. Others have to make their own. What I have going for me that is going well, is my own doing. I’m not sorry about that. I have no one to thank, but also no one to blame.”

My lips press into a hard line. I can’t imagine what my life would be right now without the love and support of my parents and brothers. No matter how overbearing I sometimes think they are, I know deep down that they are coming from a place of goodness.

“Okay…”

“Okay.”

I want to know more about Collins. He has a deeper backstory. We all do. But something tells me that few know about it.

Collins and I drive in silence the rest of the way, until he pulls up to the entrance of the Portland Japanese Garden.

“I didn’t bring my season pass you got me.”

“I have my own,” he states simply.

“You come here often?” I can’t keep the surprise from my tone. Why is a man like Collins coming here so intriguing?

“If I need to think, I do.” He parks, cuts the engine, and then turns to look at me sternly. “Wait here, Penny.”

I watch as he rounds the front of the vehicle and makes his way to my side. Why is he being so formal all of a sudden? I surely can open my own door without putting a crease in his impeccable manners. I’m a twenty-first-century woman after all. The kind that can open her damn door.

I give the handle a try, pulling it toward me. Nothing. Seriously?

Then Collins grabs it from the outside, tugs it open, and offers a hand to me. I’m a bit intimidated not to take it, just by how determined he looks in this display of outdated chivalry.

I walk in step with him toward the entrance in silence. He seems too serious. It’s making me anxious.

“Are you mad at me?” I whisper.

Nothing. Seriously—what just happened? I can feel the cosmic shift in his entire mood.

We get to the perky female worker who is scanning passes, probably silently begging for someone to engage her with some meaningless chitchat. She just appears to have the personality of someone who needs that social interaction.

Collins shows her his phone where there is a barcode loaded. She’s oblivious to our silent standoff because she asks if we’ve been here before and mentions about a new hybrid plant that the facility has adopted to grow.

I answer all of the questions, while Mr. Grump Grump sulks.

Sheesh.

This man is going to ruin all of my Zen that I should be experiencing by coming here. Instead, he is harboring a lot of emotions and, quite frankly, giving me anxiety.

If Collins wants to talk, then he will talk. He is a grown-ass man who can make his own decisions.

The thing is, I’m a grown-ass woman who is trying desperately to hold on to my own decision-making capabilities. The fact that he’s struggling to see this is what irks me the most.

We walk through the main entrance, and I allow Collins to take the lead. Surely that will cheer him up. I’ve been here several times before, so when we end up in the Strolling Pond Garden, I’m thrilled to be at one of my favorite places here.

Our pace slows as Collins slides his hand along the rail bordering the path. While he’s not verbally expressing his thoughts, I can see that he’s visibly distressed—as am I. The garden might represent peace and tranquility, but I feel everything but those things.

“I take my job very seriously, Penelope,” he states directly, reminding me yet again of the formal name I despise hearing.

We continue our annoyingly gentle stroll, pass over the Moon Bridge, and then through the irises. He keeps his gaze forward.

I stop the walk, turning to look Collins straight in the eyes.

“I imagine you do,” I comment, “but I’m not going to budge on moving forward with my goals. So, no matter what you or my brothers say, I’m not going to back down. I’ve wasted too much time already.”

His lips flatten into a pensive line. “Taking care of yourself is not a waste of time.”

I bite my bottom lip that seems to want to quiver. “Fair enough. But that doesn’t change my determination to move on to a new chapter in my life.”

He gives a single nod, glancing off into the forest of trees. “Fine.”

“I just hope it isn’t a chapter that ends in tragedy.”

“It won’t if you just trust me.”

I soak in my surroundings. It really is magical here. The special thing about the Japanese Garden is that everything here is intentional and beautiful. It is majestic, yet not overdone. It’s easy to get lost here and still remain on the path, while thoughts drift into the serenity.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Collins.”

“Then let’s set some ground rules.”

I lean my butt against a handrail, crossing my feet at my ankles as my mind races with all of the possibilities. Collins has obviously given this some thought already for him to suggest it in the first place. And by the rigidness of his jaw and the way his back is in perfect alignment, I’m guessing this meeting will be less of a negotiation and more of a ruse to get me to comply.

So, out of pure curiosity, I entertain his train of thought. “And what might those be?”

His posture relaxes. “I become your official driver.”

“No.”

“No?” His nose twitches, as I veto the first of his demands.

“That’s weird.”

“Weird?”

Did he really think I would make this whole thing easy?

“Yeah,” I answer.

“Please explain,” he grinds out between clenched teeth.

When I’m reluctant to provide a valid explanation, he raises an irritated eyebrow at me—relaunching my self-preservation skills. He isn’t going to let me off the hook with this one, that much is clear. Anxiety forms in the pit of my stomach, multiplying and spreading outward. My teeth gnaw at the inner liner of my mouth, as I teeter on my heels.

Crossing my arms at my chest, I let out a sigh. “Fine. For starters, I’m going to be living in the city. So, I will either walk, get a taxi, pass my driver’s test, or hitchhike with some stranger.”

“Penny, I don’t?—”

“Oh my goodness…” I toss my hands into the air. “The last part is a joke. Chill.”

He looks so confused. “A joke?”

“Yes, silly—a joke.” I shake my head at him. I know he knows how to laugh. I’ve seen him do it at my birthday party which seems like a lifetime ago, because this discovery has literally been bogging me down the last few hours.

“Why can’t you just call me when you need a ride?”

“And I will do that?—”

“Good.”

I glare at his unnecessary interruption. “About seventeen percent of the time.”

“That sounds oddly specific,” he grumbles. His hand rubs at the back of his neck, and my eyes instantly narrow in on the tone of his arms through the fabric of his shirt.

Stay focused, Penny .

Do not get blinded by the biceps.

“My point is, I need some space. I hate feeling claustrophobic, and if you are going to be hovering on every sideline of my life, I’m going to”—my hands wave frantically in front of me as I think of my next words—“fill in the blank.”

I’m not even sure what I’m capable of doing, but I know I can only be pushed so far before I break.

“Why does my hovering upset you so much? We know each other. I’ve been working for your brothers for some time now. You can obviously trust me with your life and be confident that I have your best interests in mind. Why is this such a big deal?”

“Because I’m planning on having sex,” I blurt out. “Lots of it! Ooey-gooey sex.” I’m on a roll now, so why stop? “The type that you don’t want to know about. The kind that my brothers don’t need updates on or even acknowledgment of.”

“Penny…”

“I’m a grown-ass woman, Collins. I’m going to make mistakes that a background check and a fancy security system won’t be able to remediate. Let me. Just let me live my own life in peace and harmony, humping whomever I want and how often I want.” My voice is raised, as the words flutter out like caged birds seeking freedom, unable to be contained any longer. I don’t even know if I can actually complete a sexual act after the trauma I endured, but I sure am going to try to desensitize myself to all the things that would typically make me panic. I just don’t need Collins lurking around the corner, cockblocking me with his unrevealed-to-me orders from my brothers. “There, I said it. Happy now?”

I feel absurd, yet relieved, to get that off my chest. That’s the root issue. I really need to keep my private life private. Graham and Nic wouldn’t understand because the women they are protecting are actually in relationships with them. Who knows, they may even like their overbearing ways. But I don’t.

I glance over at Collins, who has the backdrop of peaceful trees swaying with the wind behind him, yet nothing about his demeanor hints that he’s at ease. “Well?” I probe.

“Well what?” he snaps.

I know he’s not this dense. “Are you happy?”

“Happy?” he asks, tension building in his shoulders, extending up to his now hard jawline. “You think any of your verbal confession makes me happy, Penelope? You are barely out of the facility. What about the hallway incident today outside of Plus None? Do you think you are even ready for that next step? But here you are threatening to go throw yourself at anyone with a semi-hard cock. And for what? To say you can? To prove your defiance?”

My mouth dries at how he says the word cock . A chill runs through me over his spitting rage. “Why are you upset? If anything, I’m the one who should be mad for you forcing me to overshare. You make me snap.”

Collins runs both hands through his short brown hair, grasping on to whatever he can and tugging. After a few minutes of silence and what I perceive to be the expectation that we are going to continue our discussion until we can come to a mutual understanding, Collins instead pivots and starts walking along the path toward the Sand and Stone Garden.

Why is he retreating?

Are we done?

I rush to keep up, nearly tripping to maintain the pace. “Is that it?” But my words fall on deaf ears. He is too far ahead of me to actually hear. I break into a slow jog, reaching for his arm to try to stop him from completely deserting me in the middle of the park. “What’s with you?”

Collins pauses his stride. And we just stare at each other. No understanding passes between us. It is emptiness. Like his mind has already been made up, and maybe if I’m lucky, he’ll let me in.

My throat burns from the harsh intake of air as my breathing levels.

“We are done here.”

“ You are done here,” I correct, propping my hands on my hips.

And just like that, he is back to power walking. “I’m taking you back home.”

I run to catch up again, tugging on his arm. “So that’s it? No more talking? You decide we are going, so we’re going?”

His eyes lack the anger from earlier and are void of any real identifiable emotion. It is eerie. It’s like he turned into a stone-cold statue, shielding himself from whatever stress guarding me is causing him.

“There’s nothing left to discuss.”